Depression....

[Jeopardy]

Hi all,

I was just catching up with some episodes of No Right Answer that i have missed when i came across an episode which resonated with me. The episode in question was 'Living With Depression'.
Now this is something that i have never really spoken to anyone in this life about as i have never really had anyone who would give a damn about me anyhow. But listening to Chris, his experiences and most importantly his call for us as a community to stick together, i feel that maybe now, maybe at this point in time i can put this out there and see how people feel about this, maybe now is the time that i can tell the truth about this and not need to worry about being treated like some kind of freak or something.

Im going to try and make this too long winded, im basically just going to give bullet points at this stage as i admit i still feel a little apprehensive about bringing it up.
What it boils down to is this, i have never had what i would consider a happy life. I was always told as a kid to shut up by my parents, they didnt want to listen to me and this led to me later in life isolating myself and not really speaking to people unless asked a direct question.

In fact the only friend, the only one i ever felt i could talk to was my cat, he was always there for me and he always seemed to care and stick by me.
Of course one day he was gone and i was devastated and alone, that was more years ago then i care to count and yet i still feel the same way.
Ever since then ive just been living life in the theory that i am just waiting to die. I have been close to suicide many times and have actually tried on occasion to end it all. I dont know how i am still here.

I dont really know what i expect from writing this, i only know that i feel alone in a world where i do not belong and that im not sure where the end lies, only that the light at the end of the tunnel grows closer every day. I guess im hoping to find some good in this world, hoping and searching for something to get me through one more day.

Anyway, thank you for listening to me. I hope none of you ever feel as i do, because the word pain does not come close to describing what is in me.



I just realised that i have accidentally posted this in Gaming rather then Off Topic, this was an error is mouse click which i did not realise until just now, my apologies. If this can be moved please let me know how.

 

[Savagezion]

Im going to try and make this too long winded,...

Best not to advertise that.

I was always told as a kid to shut up by my parents, they didnt want to listen to me and this led to me later in life isolating myself and not really speaking to people unless asked a direct question.

Honestly, that isn't a bad thing necessarily. I used to be the same way. Now days, I blabber on and on all the time now if people let me. However, in unfamiliar environments, this is the smart move and even I shut up if I am in a new environment. It is more important to observe the environment for as long as possible before blabbering, but I tend to strike nerves in people a lot. So maybe that's a bias viewpoint.

I have always been outcast since even childhood. Ignored and bullied at home, THE kid to pick on at school, my social activity in elementary school was talking to the new kids before they learned it wasn't cool to talk to me.

The answer is simple. Fuck people. People are fuckwad douchebags who are selfish as fuck and superficial as hell. Why give a shit if they like you or want you around? I don't like having THEM around. I know I am cussing but I like Spongebob's definition in this situation with "sentence enhancers".
Loneliness can lurk in at times, but ultimately if I have to pick being lonely or spending time with someone for the sake of it - screw that. I certainly don't NEED someone around if they aren't offering companionship. DOn't ever tie your self worth into what people think though. Your self worth is for you. Be the person you wish more people were like and hold your self worth to THAT.

I have managed to collect a small group of friends who are cool but it took like 25 years to find like 4 of 'em. I have a few more still pending because I just met them a couple years ago. Yeah, fuck people man. People suck. Always trying to find a reason to hate other people, always bitching that they have it the hardest, always talking shit behind the backs of others. I could go on, people suck. Don't tie your self worth up in people. However, this is coming from a people.

There is 1 person that is always there listening and caring about you though. Jesus. He is the one cool person. Give him a shot. He doesn't disappoint. You ain't doing anything else by the sound of your post anyways. I'll even say a prayer for you, as akward as that is when complete strangers tell you that shit. Then just try communicating with him however you feel comfortable.

 

[Ratty]

Hey man I've been through depression, I can understand how you feel. Hang in there, you have known sorry so when the clouds clear you will be able to feel joy all the more one day. Have you sought professional help? Couldn't hurt to try some counseling. Life can be pretty hard but it's worth living, and you're worthy of living it. You have to learn to love and respect yourself because you're worth it. If your parents couldn't see that that's their flaw not yours.

 

[HardkorSB]

Ever since then ive just been living life in the theory that i am just waiting to die. I have been close to suicide many times and have actually tried on occasion to end it all. I dont know how i am still here.

More than likely, you didn't actually want to end your life at that moment. If you did, you would jump off a building or something like that.
My way of dealing with it is this:
Life goes by so fast that you'll be dead really soon anyway so why not see what it has to offer rather than ending it?
Remember, once you'll kill yourself, there will be no turning back.
If you don't see a point in life then how about experimenting with it a little? Do some crazy fun things so that, even if you're just waiting to die, the wait isn't all that bad.
Here are some suggestions:
- engage in some extreme sport
- learn how to play a musical instrument
- every time you see a beautiful girl (or guy, depending on your preferences) that you wish you had the balls to talk to, talk to her, you'll probably never see her again so there's no need to be shy

Here's a very important thing to remember:
Whenever you'll hear that voice at the back of your head going "there's no point, why do I even bother?" - tell it to shut up, no matter how persistent it will be.

 

[ZZoMBiE13]

I hope you can seek out some assistance for this. Clinical depression isn't something you can just will yourself to get over. Please seek out some medical professionals who can help you.

Your life, all life, has value. And there is lots of good in the world, you just have to seek it out.

Good luck.

 

[lacktheknack]

Psychiatrist.

Now.

We understand depression more than ever before, and psychiatrists are better equipped than ever to deal with it. You don't deserve to sit around feeling pitted, so it's always worth a psychiatric consultation, just in case they can help.

Please don't just hang yourself. If you attempt suicide, be creative. For example, get high and bomb a police station.

What on EARTH made you think that this was an OK thing to post?

 

[persephone]

I understand the feeling of waiting to die; I live with daily pain and disability, and I often despair at the idea of having to live possibly forty-plus more years in this condition. And I'm no stranger to depression, anxiety, or the desire to die.

You aren't a freak; you're just suffering. That's okay. The first thing that's important is not to feel guilty about it. It may help you to know that depression is a pretty damn common problem; you're not alone, nor have you failed in some way because you suffer from this condition. Wanting to die is also more common than you'd think, and it doesn't make you a freak or a failure, either.

First, I would advise you to seek professional help. It's helped me a lot in the past, and it can help you too. If the first therapist doesn't work out, find another. If cost is a problem, there are therapists who do pro bono work. Keep at the search and you'll find what you need.

Second, I would advise you to find something you love and throw yourself into it. What are you passionate about? When you're feeling depressed, seek that something out, even if you don't remotely want to. In fact, if you don't want to do things you normally enjoy, then it's all the more important that you do them anyway. That was the best advice I ever got on how to deal with depression: do things you love, especially when you don't want to. It prevents that particular wave of depression from getting too strong a foothold, and it can even make it stop.

Third, if you don't have another cat to replace the one you lost, get another cat, if you can. I understand about feline company; my two cats make my daily life livable!

Finally: you are loved. You are worth it. You have a purpose and calling in this world, a job that only you can do. Stick with it, with the knowledge that you are meant to be here, and that God is with you, even and especially when you suffer.

 

[Robert Marrs]

Yea depression sucks. I know I still have it even though I don't feel "sad" in the traditional sense anymore. I still have all the other symptoms of it but I manage it by self medicating. Probably the worst way to actually deal with it but it works for now. I don't have the money for any kind of professional help. Honestly I don't really think there is any way to cure depression. You just manage it.

 

[Spider RedNight]

I'm not sure how you'd feel about this sort of advice, but have you considered finding a religion if you don't have one? I know that's a really polarized subject, especially in the internet world but PERSONALLY religion has really helped me through my depressive stages and even if it's not what you think will help in the long run, it won't really hurt to try.

Also if/when you go to a therapist, it's important to tell yourself that they're just trying to help. I'm the paranoid type and I had a LOT of trouble with counselors and psychologists for a long time because the depression was overwhelming and it was telling me that they didn't really care and that I was just a paycheck for them. It wasn't until my eighth counselor that I finally figured out that it was my irrational thoughts that contributed to that feeling of anxiety.

So I kicked those suicidal feelings in the ass because they don't belong in my head :I It's not that easy half the time but another way I cope is with humour; if I had feelings of suicide, I reminded myself of why I was able to stick it out for at least 21 years.

All my tangents aside, it IS good that you came forward with this and just... let your emotions and feelings out. A lot of society today is of the "conceal, don't feel" mentality and it can be overwhelming when you don't think you're worth it when you're ALWAYS worth it to at least one other person.

I'm agreeing with above posts; find a hobby. I occupy myself with painting and I don't worry about what others will say or think, I just paint and I look back on my pictures and I'm reminded of how I felt and how glad I am that I haven't felt like that in awhile. The depression's still there (as Chris said, it's kind of a part of me, now) but I have it under control and it takes fever pitch before anything bad happens.

SO baby steps. Psychiatrist, hobbies, letting your feelings out. And most importantly - YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Others have felt as you do - half of us here probably have - and it sucks, it really does. But it's important to never forget that you are not alone in your feelings and that it is NOT all over. It doesn't have to end in misery and isolation.

 

[Patathatapon]

With my depression I learned to live by pure hatred and spite for myself.

You see, I've known for the longest time that my worst enemy was me. I wanted myself to die, I was making myself miserable, so why the fuck would I do anything I want? I'll live as long as I can just to piss myself off.

Not exactly a happy story mind, but it's the truth.

 

[Master_of_Oldskool]

I've been there, man. My last actual suicide attempt was about a year ago. It was the tail end of my senior year, I was stressed all to hell, and to top it off I'd started having these borderline-schizophrenic delusions about living life in a time loop or some shit. Crushed up my meds into a big glass of cinnamon schnapps and downed it. Thank god for Firewater tasting so awful, because I couldn't keep it down for more than a couple seconds. Long story short, I switched to different meds, and I've been... well, "fine" isn't the right word. I still go through depressive episodes, and every once in a while I get this really strong sense of deja-vu. But it's taken the edge off, and I feel like I'm actually able to be happy the vast majority of the time.

My advice is that meds and talk therapy are both helpful and if at all feasible you should try to start yourself on both. Aside from that, find any little thing that makes you happy- gaming, drawing, writing, whatever. One of the things I'd always tell myself when I was badly depressed was that I wasn't making anything out of my life, that everything I was doing was trivial. But I think the Eleventh Doctor really sums it up best- "Every life is a pile of good things and bad things." The idea of finding your calling and meeting the perfect person and buying the perfect house and never being sad again is crap- life is mostly a series of little trivial happenings, and anything that makes it feel better for you is important.

Hang in there. We all want you to see this through.

 

[T3hSource]

You need someone(not a girlfriend, just a good friend), simple as that. But you need someone real, who isn't afraid to open up a bit.

 

[blackrave]

But listening to Chris, his experiences and most importantly his call for us as a community to stick together, i feel that maybe now, maybe at this point in time i can put this out there and see how people feel about this, maybe now is the time that i can tell the truth about this and not need to worry about being treated like some kind of freak or something.

Oh my non-existent God, how you even dare feel depressed and lonely?
Freak? No, you're worse than that- you are an abomination, a monster.
Now stay your miserable ass put, while we gather lynch mob armed with torches and pitchforks.
Then glorious Escapist militia will deal with you for good.

Nah, just kidding
If feeling sad and lonely would be enough to be classified as "freak", then most of us would fit the term.
After all, we don't stone suffering people to death (at least not anymore )

What it boils down to is this, i have never had what i would consider a happy life. I was always told as a kid to shut up by my parents, they didnt want to listen to me and this led to me later in life isolating myself and not really speaking to people unless asked a direct question.

No siblings I assume? Yeah, that's sucks :/
Do your parents even suspect what damage they've done?
Maybe speaking with them about this could be a good start.

In fact the only friend, the only one i ever felt i could talk to was my cat, he was always there for me and he always seemed to care and stick by me.
Of course one day he was gone and i was devastated and alone, that was more years ago then i care to count and yet i still feel the same way.
Ever since then ive just been living life in the theory that i am just waiting to die. I have been close to suicide many times and have actually tried on occasion to end it all. I dont know how i am still here.

That's the problem with pets.
They only look like they care about you.
You are basically God for them, of course they will worship you.
So transferring your emotional needs to pets eventually will only make things worse.
Friends are better

I dont really know what i expect from writing this, i only know that i feel alone in a world where i do not belong and that im not sure where the end lies, only that the light at the end of the tunnel grows closer every day. I guess im hoping to find some good in this world, hoping and searching for something to get me through one more day.

Well, obviously you expected advice.
So, after using all my wisdom, past experience, knowledge of human psyche and throwing save against confusion, I came with unique solution for your problem.
Become serial killer who specialize in murderers, rapists and drug dealers. That way you will fill your life with purpose and cleanse mankind from parasites who...

Psychiatrist.

Now.

or that.
A bit boring solution, but I guess it could work too.
Now that I think about it, maybe it would be better solution.
Alright, solution2: discard everything I wrote as pointless waste of your irreversibly lost precious time and follow what lacktheknack wrote. He sounds like a smart guy

P.S. But if you liked my original suggestion I can help you with cheesy name. Every vigilante needs stupid name, right?

 

[wulfy42]

Life is, for the most part, depressing if you really think about it.

The trick is not to think about it.

That is not a joke, it's quite true. The best way to fight depression is to live for the moment. Find things that interest you and hoard them. At it's worst, depressing can make finding ANYTHING that interests you impossible. It can take away any desire for food (or joy from eating it) and certainly any desire to associate with other people.

I have fought with depression my whole life, and have tried to commit suicide multiple times. If I was prone to insanity, I would consider myself immortal as I should have died many times and somehow didn't (in my crazier/more depressed moment I have considered that I am already dead and in hell).

A few things I have done that have helped me life a productive, and sometimes enjoyable life.

I focused on others. Initially that was helping other people I met, which eventually caused me to have groups of friends throughout my life. Eventually this developed into a relationship with a woman and eventually my wife.

That in itself was...not easy. I went into the relationship because she needed help. She was diabetic (Didn't know that at the time) and had drastic mood swings. I eventually got her on paxil and finally years later once I found out about her diabeties, insulin, and that has helped, but...it was very trying at times.

Helping others, when you have nothing in your life that currently interests you, or that you want, can help you get through the tough times...at least if you care about other people at all. I have always cared about others and wanted to prevent suffering, so that has helped me alot.

Find hobbies...things that you enjoy doing. I have a few, and other then when I'm at my worst depression wise, video games and good books have always been a crutch for me. If I'm feeling bad, a good video game, or even better, a great book...will grab my interest and drag me through the days it takes for my depression to get better.

Therefore, I hoard them. I have good games that I have not played ESPECIALLY for when I am feeling down and need something to interest me. I maintain a nice supply of books as well, always series so they don't end too fast, that I can read and keep me lost in another world.

Try, if you can, to find a sport of some kind, or some kind of excersize you enjoy (even something like dance dance revolution) as that can help as well....as long as you keep it up. Physical activity can help if your depressed...but you often won't have the motivation at that point. A routine is important since you are less likely to just skip it then. Try and find someone else to do the physical activity with as well if possible. Tennis, Raquetball...heck even table tennis (ping pong as some call it)..can be fun and rewarding. Anything really works though. I do water areobics with my wife for instance.

As far as the over all meaning of life etc...who cares? I personally believe it's all meaningless and when we die, we cease to exist completely. You could look at that like there is no point to living then, but...there is....suffering also all goes away when you die...but many people are suffering all the time. You can help prevent that...and even if you can't do that, you can help make other peoples lives more enjoyable by.....enjoying your own life with them.

Time goes by faster if you are happy, or occupied. Find other people and do things with them that make life better for all of you. Try and avoid just passing time by yourself all the time if you can. Try and be social even if you want to go hide in a cave (room) and stay on the internet/read/play games etc. Sometimes it's hard to be social, but....it can drag you out of depressing faster then just about anything else.

Finally be careful of what you eat. Even though food can often be a tool to fight depression (if it's not too bad, food can bring a sense of happyness/joy which you desprately need...as it can be the only thing you look forward to at some points). Even with that being the case, get rid of bad habbit foods. Avoid soda all together if you can, there are a variety of water flavoring products like MIO that are cheap, taste great and are way healthier then soda. Try and avoid eating potato chips or other unhealthy snacks on a regular basis. I'm not saying cut out all yummy foods, but aim to only have pizza at most once a week, and try and toss in healthy foods at least a few times (eat some veggies, fish etc).

Finally, while I said live for the day...and meant it.....long term goals can also be a great motivator. Just be careful that the goal you choose is general and fairly assured. Having a long term goal that you struggle for over years and then finding out you won't attain it...can be very hard to deal with if you struggle with depression. Any goals you make should be goals you will either certainly be able to reach, or that you enjoy the process of attempting.

Last but not least, and this is maybe the hardest one. I failed completely at it. Try and fill your life with positive people. They don't have to be happy all the time, but try and find people who look on the bright side, who can help you find joy in life, and who, even if they are depressed, fight against it. It can be hard to do if your using the whole helping others because you see nothing worthwhile in your life, especially when you are younger. I spent most of my life helping very depressed people with no motivation, and that was often the cause of my worst cases of depression, since so much effort had gone into helping them with no positive outcome.

Balance is important, you always want to try and have positive things to balance the negative things in your life, try and avoid large dissapointments as much as possible. Play it safe, and don't rely on chance when there is something you really want. If there is a trip you are planning on, have a backup plan in case the initial trip falls through etc. Avoid situations that can get you really depressed as much as possible.

If you do get really depressed, try and recognize it. It is amazing how many times I have gotten very depressed and not even realized it for weeks, even though I would have no energy/motivation and not be enjoying anything in my life. Many people keep journals etc, which is one way to do it I guess. I am in my mid 40's and never expected to live past 30. I have a masters degree, have been married for over 14 years, and live in a nice house with a pool in the back yard.

You can have a decent life even when dealing with crippling depression. It's work, and sometimes really hard, but it can happen. I can look back at my life and see that I have helped many people and made their journey through life easier/better. That is enough meaning for me.

 

[Megazuurkool]

I've had my down period when I was about 13-15 years old. My parents sent me to a psychiatrist, which really helped. But I know there are people who just don't want to go to a psychiatrist, and I can't force you. One of the things that really helped me was this: you need to make a list of all the things you want to have, for example get a job, lose weight etc. The next thing is to actively start working on these things, all at the same time.
I didn't accomplish everything on the list but just the feeling of working to improve your life makes you feel really good.

 

[Yankeedoodles]

Hang in there buddy! I've been going through some of the same things lately. Everyone else has offered some pretty good advice so I'll just leave it there.

 

[TheDrunkNinja]

Psychiatrist.

Now.

We understand depression more than ever before, and psychiatrists are better equipped than ever to deal with it. You don't deserve to sit around feeling pitted, so it's always worth a psychiatric consultation, just in case they can help.

This needed repeating.

It's not guaranteed that consulting a professional will make your life easier to live, but know that at no point is it ever going to be a "waste of time". Seeing a psychiatrist will in no way harm you any further, and you will almost always come away at least a little bit better than when you started. If you consider yourself to be "just waiting to die", you pretty much have nothing to lose at this point.

 

[Alssadar]

Something that may be helpful is to notice your choice of music. Ask yourself the main question: what are you listening to?
During my depression phase, I was listening to Simple Plan and bands where they ragged on about how life sucked and how shitty everything was. To be honest, they were some songs I cried to, believing the depressing words they sang about.
But then I discovered metal. Apparently, what I found is called "Quest" Metal-- the kind of shit where Swedes sing about killing dragons and being warriors and the like--things that make you want to go on a quest.To that purpose, it got me pumped.
The depressing songs that once listed my Mp3 like "Deathbed," "I'm Just a Kid," and "How Could this Happen to Me," became "The Chosen Ones," "Highlander -- The One," "War of the Universe," and "Heavy Metal In the Night." Sure, call it machismo and whatnot, but who doesn't want to become a Conan-like figure, with swords, castles, glory, and (the lamentations of) women--but those inspirations are a lot better than a dull gray world of sadness and death.

That being said, it doesn't have to be metal. 60's rock is happy, peace, love, and that kind of jazz.
Reggae is just feel good vibe, where evah cha go, mon.
Blues, despite its name, often feels good to sing along with--the emotional tone sometimes help ease troubles.

Additionally: this is always necessary
Fight on, noble paladin, against whatever darkness may rise against you.

 

[Wasted]

As a therapist I highly recommend you seek professional help, since it sounds like confining to friends and/or family is out of the picture. If you have never had mental health services the following should guide you in the right direction. The following information should be true for residents in the United States.

A psychiatrist has a medical doctorate and he or she specializes in administering and monitoring medication. They do not give counseling! A psychiatrist will usually see you for about 30 minutes a month to check up on your medication and make adjustments.

A psychotherapist has at least masters in clinical counseling and is qualified to give counseling therapy. They do not have any training to prescribe medication. Therapy is usually once a week for 60 minutes.

A psychologist is also a psychotherapist but has a doctorate in clinical counseling. They offer counseling therapy like a master's level therapist but can also administer and evaluate psychological testing.

Seek a therapist, psychiatrist, or both. I wish you luck, depression is something I wouldn't want on my enemies. I have seen how devastating it can be.