Desperation and love

[Vredesbyrd67]

There are varying levels of love. I'd put you around...teenage, yeah? 99% chance it's 99% hormonal. Doesn't mean your feelings are meaningless, it just means they're super, super intense. It doesn't mean you're a fool, you're just a victim of basic human chemistry and psychology, which, you should keep in mind, could well have happened to any of your friends as well.

There're three aspects of love, as defined by Sternberg: intimacy, passion, and commitment. Obviously since she's your best friend, you've already developed a strong sense of intimacy. Passion isn't hard, since you're a teenager, and, you know. The hormones. Commitment is where you can break the hold she has over you. Right now, you're committed to her. You refuse to let yourself stop thinking about her, about wanting her, whether you know it or not. You refuse to allow yourself to stop wanting her. Breaking your sense of commitment to her, I'd say, is your best bet. The best way to do that is to find something else that you can be passionate about to shift your focus away from her. It doesn't have to make you as passionate as you felt about her, just make it something you enjoy doing. Start a Warhammer army. Teach yourself to play the guitar. Hang out with your friends more. Actually, yeah- that's probably your best bet. Spend more time with friends, have them cheer you up. Have a few laughs. Ask a friend you trust to sit down and talk about things with you. You'll be surprised how much it helps.

Also, please don't kill yourself. However attractive or funny or sweet she may or may not be, she's definitely not worth your life.

 

[klaynexas3]

most things above would be good advice.

just ignore her, and maybe she'll go away. she might ask why you're doing this, just tell her your doctor told you to. if she doesn't back off at that point it's a clear sign she doesn't really care about you, she just wants to screw with you. give it some time and maybe after a while you two can be friends again. and don't kill yourself, it seriously isn't worth it. it'll cause a lot more harm than you think. trust me

 

[El Poncho]

Cut her off, it's for your own good.

 

[Alon Shechter]

I had the exact same experience a couple months ago...
After some hard work and a lot of depression I finally started just completely ignoring her (Unless she contacts me, of course) and 2 weeks after I think of butt scratchers more than her.
Yeah. Ignoring helps.

BUTT SCRATCHER!

 

[Rednog]

As a person who went through a similar kind of thing with a girl a few months ago, my best advice is complete avoidance and ignorance of her. And surround yourself with your friends and keep yourself busy. Eventually you will forget her and even though you may see her occasionally and feeling will flare up and it will hurt like hell, go home, spend an hour or two feeling bad, pick yourself up and move on with something else. Each time the pain and feelings will get less and less and eventually you can treat her just like a stranger on the street.
No offense to the female population on the forums, but from my experience many females really don't know what they want in a relationship until they are out of college and dealing with real life. Many that I've met have this tinted, primarily by media and other things, view of what a relationship should be and when it doesn't work exactly like how they plan it or expect it they over-think it and bail.
Yes, this doesn't apply to all of them, but in your case I think your friend fits into this category.
Seriously, use this time to focus on studying or pick up a new/interesting hobby. When all is said and done you'll get over it and actually come out of it with something new/interesting.

 

[Dastardly]

I dated my best friend over the summer, and we made it about a week into the school year, when one day, she shows up at my house and dumps me, no explanation given. I never get an explanation, just "I'm so sorry" "I don't know why I did that" for about a month. Then during the beginning of November, I man up and admit to her that I've been in love with her, even after she broke up with me. A few hours later, she asks me out. Not even two days later, she breaks up with me, again, this time with the "I think we're better as friends" statement. I go through depression, threaten my parents with suicide and go get mental help. The doc tells me to stay away from her for two weeks, as she's evidently the source of my depression. I do, but I get worse. She goes away for a week, and my depression goes to the point that I refuse to leave my room. Now, she's back and we're talking exactly like we did before we started dating the first time, and I've realized I'm desperately in love with her. For this reason, my friends have started calling me a fool, and telling me I'm making everything too hard for myself. They may be right, I don't know. I won't dare tell her, because I'm too afraid of a repeat of three weeks ago.

What I come here asking is for any suggestions on what to do; whether it be ignore it, move on, find something to occupy my time.

She's using you, and you're letting yourself be used so that you can feel wanted. You're not wanted. You're just being used to fill a momentary emotional gap in her life, the way someone who is waiting for a steak will eat a doughnut to pass the time.

Your doc was absolutely right, but you didn't follow his instructions. You didn't stay away from her for two weeks. You were geographically away for two weeks, but you didn't spend those two weeks busying yourself with anything else. So she was on your mind for those two weeks. You're not "desperately in love" with her, you're just "fixated on the idea" of her.

Somewhere in your mind, subconsciously, you believe that your depression over not being with her is proof of how much you care--after all, if you didn't care so much, how could it hurt so much, right? That's why you're unwilling to let go of that depression. If you do, you'd have to admit that not having her is not the end of the world, and that therefore would mean she is not your world.

Please know that I'm not saying the feelings you've got aren't based in reality. They're just based in a slanted view of the current reality, and it's getting worse because of the weight you've given to those feelings. Feelings are not an insight or an indicator of anything, and they are never, never to be followed. Felt, yes. Followed, no. Feelings are a reaction to what is going on around you, so when you follow them you are letting your environment yank you around at random... or worse, at the will of the person in control of those feelings (because right now, it's not you).

Going further, this girl happens to be the object of your current fixation, but other than this there is nothing special about her. Not saying she's bad or boring, but there's nothing magical or once-in-a-lifetime. It's only a few bits of happenstance that make you believe this:

1) She has caused you to feel some emotions that are new to you. These emotions are novel, exciting, even intoxicating... but that doesn't mean they are pure, honest, or even productive. They're just new and exciting. You haven't had practice in handling them yet, because this is the first time you've had them... which is what gives them the mistaken appearance of being "once in a lifetime," in some way.

2) She occasionally sends you (mixed) signals that make you feel wanted, even needed. Note well that it's obvious she's not trying to do that. She's in this for herself, and your feelings are simply a side-effect of that process. She doesn't know what she wants, so she has no problem going back and forth on you, and in the process she's giving you "the vibe" to keep you around while she decides. (This is likely not intentional, but that doesn't mean she isn't doing it)

Regardless of which of these emotions is stronger, the fact is that it is the emotions you are fixated, even addicted to. Not her. Feelings are ridiculously intoxicated and misleading, especially when they are strong and new. The only cure for feelings is time--they will eventually die down as your body and mind become adjusted to them and learn how to handle them properly.

Basically, take your doc's advice. For real this time. Get involved in something completely separate from her. NOT ANOTHER PERSON OR RELATIONSHIP. A hobby, a game, something. Something with other guys, preferably, so you can have the social interaction without the emotional baggage. Do this for at least a month, and do not contact her or accept contacts from her. It will be hard, but it is necessary.

If you don't, the problem will get worse. Additionally, if you do end up with her, it would be out of an unhealthy need that will put unfair strain on her as well as you. Basically, even if you "got her," you wouldn't be the kind of guy that's any good for her. Fix your stuff first, before trying to attach it to someone else's.

/advice from someone who's been there.

 

[Ampersand]

Dude, don't crash and burn after just a bit of emotional turbulence, In life you gotta take the good with the bad. If anything you should be greatful that you're alive enough to feal as shit as you do right now because that my friend also means that you're alive enough to feel fucking fantastic later down the line. You just need to give yourself a chance to get there.

 

[InnerRebellion]

Now that break's over, I'm back in school in about 5 hours, and near her. I want to thank everyone for their insight and suggestions; you've all really made me think out quite a few things.

Too tired to actually type out all my thoughts, so...Thanks to you all!

 

[Johnny Impact]

Eegh. You told her you love her and she still flip-flops as if you don't matter at all. Only one thing is certain here. You cannot let this wishy-washy crap or the girl pulling it run your life for you. Think about it like this: if she were really the person you think she is, would she torture you? Hopefully the answer is no. It follows that she is NOT, in fact, the person you love. She is either amusing herself by hurting you, or is too foolish to understand her behavior has consequences. Either way, this great girl you think you love -- doesn't exist. You're lusting after a phantom. Of course, the real problem is *knowing* you have a problem will not in itself be enough to make the problem go away.

I'm *not* going to tell you to man up, or get over yourself. I once wanted a girl more than I wanted oxygen, and I remember the utter wretchedness after discovering she would have been happier if I had never been born. I know how hard it is to drag yourself up out of there. I'm not a very constructive guy, can't think of any helpful advice. This will probably be cold comfort, but please know you're not the only one who ever felt bad.

Edit: Damn, I should have read the whole thread. Just replace everything I said with what "dastardly" already said.