Difficult decision

[droosk]

So, I have a difficult decision to make. I was previously living with my parents in order to help them get by, as my father was a cancer survivor, and no longer able to work. They made just enough to get by, but having me help pay the bills was very good for them. I say he "was" a cancer survivor, because we lost him in late May.

At the start of May, I moved about 100 miles away, because my son was struggling in school, and in life. Since I moved to the area, he has improved a bit, and is working his way through school and life.

So now my conundrum. With the passing of my father, my mom lost the income he provided through his disability. So, now she no longer has the income to pay her bills, and could possibly lose the house, car, everything they worked for. I am paying for things like the mortgage, and the electric bills, but that is only a piece of the overall pie. Problem is, paying my bills, AND her bills, are starting to strain the bank.

So, I have 2 choices. I can move back, take on the full bills related to the day to day needs of my mom and her life. However, this would mean I have to leave my son again (He would still be with his mom of course).

What would you do? Go help your mom more than you can currently? Or hope for the best for her, while sticking it out to continue helping your son/child through school via your local presence?

 

[IndomitableSam]

First, I am deeply sorry for your loss. I know that it's hard and everything changes.

I don't mean to sound harsh here at all, as I stayed at home longer than I should have to help out my mom and dad (as my mom was unable to work as well), but what I say may come out a bit rough. A lot of this is basically everything my mom and dad told me when moving away was discussed.

Your mother is a grown woman and can take care of herself. Is she working? If not, why not? Does she need to stay in that house? Can't she sell it, sell things, and move into a small apartment as it's just her? Standards of living change during the course of someone's life - just because you could afford it before doesn't mean you should get to keep it always.

Second... You do what's best for your son. Full stop. If he's happier where he is with you there and is living a better life, you cannot uproot yourself and go home to help someone who is fully capable of helping themselves. Your son is not, he isnt even number one - he is the only number. And money is needed to take care of a family, and if you're stressed out or money is tight because you're taking care of a fully grown adult and only able to feed your kid Kraft Dinner some nights... no.

I hope your mother nows how hard this is on you and has told you to take care of yourself and your son. A son needs his father - you know that very, very well. Don't let your son grow up without you right nearby. Again, I'll say it - your mother has been an adult for many, many years and being an adult is full of hard decisions. Hers will be to change her entire life now, because she can't afford the way of life she's used to. She'll just have to deal.

Every single one of us, when we moved out, moved into something less than we had known all our lives, and we made do. She can, too. I hope she tells you to stick with your son... it's the only decent thing to do.

Also, save some money for yourself. Retirement is something everyone deserves.

As for the discussions I has with my parents? Well, my mom basically told me (and while it's not verbatum, it's what she told me) to get the fuck out and live my own life because she was a grown woman who would learn to deal with her disability and she would never, ever forgive herself if I sacrificed my happiness and well-being for her. That is not a child's job. That is a parent's job. She felt like a failure for me having to be there to help her out and finally decided that her own dignity was just as important and kicked me out.

It was hard - I'd been taking care of her for so long that I felt like a horrible person for leaving her... but she and dad have done just fine. She's learned to work around her disability, her and dad really tightened their budget without my help, they sold things, they did without, and they just sold the house we bought in 1984. Now they're happy and enjoying themselves and adjusting to a new life. It's not always easy (and it will never be as easy as it was before), but they're dealing. As for me? I feel so much better knowing they're okay and that I don't have to worry about them all the time.

So... yeah. A bit ranty and a bit harsh, but a similar story to yours.

 

[EeveeElectro]

I'm very sorry about your father and your situation.

Can your mother not move in with you? I don't know if she is elderly and unable to work or if she would struggle living by herself but you do need to look after yourself. You can't continue like this forever.
If she could sell the house and move into a small apartment, you'd still be paying the electricity bills and everything else.
She should be entitled to something, it's completely unfair for the government to leave her with no income.
Try seek some help money wise for her, such as housing benefits. There should be someone she can talk to about it if she explained her situation. If she's able to work, they could help her finding a job.
It's admirable to be so caring but you have to think of yourself and your son, his school work will take a knock because he'll be without his father.

If you have the space, I think it would be best if she didn't mind living with you, or if she has a friend she could live with then the bills would be less stress on you.

I don't know much of the situation so I can't help an awful lot, sorry. ;~;

 

[Miyenne]

I'll echo what my sister @IndomitableSam said. And I'll be much more harsh.

You have a child. He is your ONLY concern.

Your mother is a grown adult, and even if she is disabled or unable to work for some reason she's a grown adult. You should not be supporting her. She is her own responsibility, no one else is obligated to take care of her. You father had cancer, you seem to have known he was dying for a long time. Your mother and father should have planned out her financial future. Her lack of responsibility should not affect you.

Stop paying your mothers bills, full stop. You have a child, until that child is an adult your life revolves around him and nothing else. You do not put anyone before your child, not yourself, certainly not someone who should be able to take care of themselves. You have a child, he is the only person in your life that you should be supporting. (Yourself as well, because you need to be in good health and good standing to take care of him, but that comes back to taking care of him.)

I can't believe anyone would let their child pay for their bills. She cannot sustain her level of comfort so she has to downsize. Fact of life. If you can't afford it, don't get it/keep it. Relying on your child who has a child of their own to support is sickening. I'm sorry. Does she have no self respect nor any respect for you or your son?


Our parents raised us to be independent, and I wish everyone was raised like that. If I ever get married, I would never rely on anyone else to support me. I've been unemployed for nine months now, but I still pay my half of everything as I live with my sister, and we don't live in a cheap place. I'm just spending all my savings. If Sam picks up the dinner tab sometimes, I appreciate it. I keep the house clean, her laundry done, meals cooked and all that in exchange for her picking up the 'extra's'. That's as far as I'll ever go to being reliant on someone. No one should be so completely reliant on another person, because inevitably something will happen and being left destitute is a choice.

Aside from that, I am sorry that you lost your father. That's a terrifying thought.