Captain America: Brave New Wordle
I had $4.90 and Monday off. If nothing else, Marvel's 35th movie proves I'd rather spend it on 2 hours of D-list capeshit than 215 minutes of Holocaust kino. Just terrible. If The Brutalist is still playing next Monday I'll go make amends.
Watching Captain America: Brave Little Toaster is a lot like suffering from early onset dementia. Take it from me, who hasn't seen any of the D+ shows. Where did all these people come from? I knew about Anthony Mackie donning the moniker and the frisbee, but turns out there's also a new The Falcon, and a new (old) Super Soldier, and joke's on me for never watching 2008's Hulk because we're following up on that particular banger too. The teeny-tiny girl from Unorthodox shows up as a Mossad badass who gets her own Hallway Fight and I don't know if she's from a show too or somebody simply yelled across the street "They're giving away Hallway Fights down the lot!".
Anthony Mackie's a charisma vacuum, and no lead. I could've told you that from the Twisted Metal show. The aw shucks underdog shtick felt especially phony. You've been part of this grift for over a decade, my dude. The only victim here is Julius Onah, who's going straight to director jail for taking 200M and cobbling together 2 hours of limp TV. A man whose exciting vision for a conversation is having two characters talk, walk, talk, walk and talk some more, all the while ensuring the actors never actually meet (the Giancarlo Esposito reshoots are about as subtle as Botox on a pig).
The whole thing was just aggressively uninspired and unexciting. What's so Brave or New about it? Mackie and his sidepiece discover a "secret lab" and are whispering in awe about it, forgetting it's directly under the equally "secret prison" they just snuck into. See it's not the multiple alien invasions or half of life on Earth coming and going or the planet birthing a colossal new continent just a couple of years ago. Nah man, look at this one room with the dentist's chair! Shivers down my spine. Talk about raising the ante.
4.8/10 - Not quite worth the $4.90.