Mark J Kline said:
Dissociation Through Gaming
The upsides and downsides of gaming.
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Really one of your absolute best articles (and great to see you back)!
I've found myself occasionally in a similar place in my life, in which more and more of life feels more like a "thought experiment" than an actual event. I'm beginning to see that it's not necessarily a bad or destructive behavior (you know, unless that kind of detachment develops into a pronounced sociopathy).
The big question to ask yourself is whether or not this detachment is removing your capacity for empathy. If you're no longer really caring how what you do impacts others, there is the root of a very big problem (which, in this person's case, doesn't seem to be so -- his concern is evident). If the feelings of others are a complete mystery to you (eg, you stomp on someone's foot and are shocked when they're upset), same deal. That stuff is like losing your anchor to your humanity, and that of others.
But as far as not necessarily feeling every emotion as strongly as you think you ought to... I don't know that
itself is the problem. And note the use of "ought" rather than "want." If you genuinely
want to feel things more deeply, it's a valid concern. But if it's a function of feeling you
ought to, what you really "want" is to avoid seeming abnormal (to yourself or others).
(I could liken it to the difference between someone who loses weight because they want to be healthier -- increased energy and stamina, lower cholesterol and risk of heart disease, etc. -- and someone who loses weight because they want to "not be considered/called/thought of as fat." Neither is an invalid reason, but they are quite different, and the second can lead to and reinforce unhealthy behaviors and thought processes.)
But really, my thoughts are that a lot of this
does have to do with gaming. Just not the sort that one might think.
If you were to play
Tetris a lot, and I mean
a lot, you might start to view the world with "Tetris vision." A part of your brain is always toying with how this object could stack with that object, or how these things might fit together... and you might be bugged a little if objects on a shelf aren't arranged in neat horizontal rows. That's because the game is "exercising" those spatial skills, improving them, getting them pumped up and excited about doing their job, so they're getting used to a constant state of being Ready.
The "game" a lot of folks "play" when dealing with trauma is just the Game of Metacognition (a game you might not even realize you're playing right now). You're thinking a lot about
how you think (and feel). Circumstances get painful sometimes, and some of us sort of step back and consider the circumstances before deciding whether or not we want to feel them. If we decide it's not worth it, we kind of acknowledge the emotion and set that emotion aside (which is different from suppressing it, which is also a possibility in this kind of process).
And because we can, due to life circumstances, end up playing this "game" very, very often. And sometimes we end up playing it with others, "Hmm, I wonder what that person is thinking, and what they'll think of such-and-such happens," and we look for patterns and make predictions. It's kind of a fun and very engrossing mental "game." Well, it's like Tetris. After awhile, we kind of tend to see the world through the filter of the game, even if just in a subconscious way.
There can be excesses, to be sure. When it causes you to shrug off actual interaction with other people, or when you start to look down on them as something less than individuals, or if you (as mentioned before) start to lose your capacity for empathy... those are some of the things that can make this unhealthy.
But don't assume that "not feeling enough" is the problem, necessarily. Talk with someone about it -- they'll play the Game with you, in a way -- and be sure not to "throw the baby out with the bathwater." You're obviously not
unfeeling, you're possibly just more conservative about which feelings you act upon and how. The opposite of that, being Impulsive, isn't a preferable state. In fact, I'd argue that someone who internalizes emotion a bit
too much has a harder time making an adjustment than someone who is more conservative emotionally.
Some of what you have going for you are strengths -- the ability to "step outside" your own thoughts and feelings to consider them, for instance. The opposite, a person who is entirely absorbed in their own emotions, may
seem the carefree warrior-poet to the outside observer, and we may envy that person's perceived "freedom"... but in another sense, they're only "free" in the sense that they're not taking responsibility for themselves and are letting their emotions (which are heavily influenced by the outside world) lead them around.
(The dog on a leash is jealous of the power of the person holding the other end, and sometimes the person at the other end is jealous that the leashed dog seems to have no responsibilities. Grass is greener, all that jazz.)
You have worries and concerns, and that's actually a very good sign that what you're concerned about may not be as awful as you think. Your concern for others may feel a bit more intellectual than emotional, but it's still present, so don't ignore that. Emotions have a different place in each person's life and mind, and there's not just one "right" way to Think or Feel.
Also, it's clear you
very much want to talk about your experiences and how you feel about them. That is both a Very Good Sign, and your best course of action -- it'll help you reconnect with some of the emotions you've compartmentalized, but in a safe and helpful environment.