Does Distance Always Ruin Things?

[PlainTwo]

-Scroll to the bottom for TL;DR-

I can't sleep, and feel there's a bit of things I need to get off my chest. I met a girl at a party in early September, whom I ended up hitting it off with that night. However, I initially dismissed her as a one-time drunken encounter who I would never speak to or see again. Part of me wanted to continue talking to her, to see where things would go, but I let fear hold me back.

I was fortunate enough for a second chance. We once again met at a party not too long after the first one, and were pretty much glued together for the entire night. With a little self-motivation, and pushes from my friends, I chatted her up on Facebook a few days later to see where things would go.

All I can say is I've never been able to talk to a girl more easily in my entire life. Right from the beginning, we would talk from hours on end almost every single night, something we still do to this day. She's someone I can easily have fun with, which I find surprising given how different we are. Since I built up the courage to talk to her, we've gone on numerous dates, as well as gathered with groups of friends together. I'm not yet ready to call it love for a few reasons, but I can say with certainty that I have very strong feelings towards her.

She's older than me by a year, (20/19) and has never once been in a relationship, or had anything serious with a guy. As a result, I've been having to take things very slow with her, which I don't mind. At this point, she openly admits that she has feelings for me, she's cuddly, willing to hold my hand / kiss me in public or in privacy, and we've slept in the same bed numerous times, but says she doesn't want to put an 'official' label on it just yet. (This is what she said when I asked her what we were to each other maybe three weeks from now.) However, when my friends refer to her as my 'girlfriend' or refer to us as 'in a relationship', she doesn't seem to mind, nor does she deny it. Perhaps because she doesn't want to embarrass me, who knows.

I've always had bad anxiety when it comes to girls. No matter how many signals I get, I'll still have a hard time believing that the girl I'm involved with, or any girl I have been with in the past, is or was attracted to me. I don't know whether to call this a self-esteem issue or not, as I'm for the most part incredibly confident in other aspects of my life.

There's something unique about this girl, however. Recently, maybe for about a month, a month and a half maximum, I've been having dreams about her, and not good ones either. They usually happen the day before, or the night after I see her, or even at times while I'm sleeping in the same bed as her. Occasionally, but not often, they'll happen on random nights as well.

These dreams always depict her and I in a different situation. In these dreams, something always goes wrong, and she ends up leaving me, never wanting to see me again, etc, it varies. Now I don't necessarily believe in dreams foretelling events to come, what concerns me is the frequency of them. It's safe to say I have them at least once a week, sometimes twice in the same night. I'm left curious as to what they could mean.

Now, for the distance part. Let's say there's Town A, Town B, and Town C. Town A and Town B are right beside each other, easily accessible. People from Town A and Town B can easily see each other on a regular basis should they choose to do so. I live in Town A, this girl lives in Town B. We're maybe a 20 minute drive apart, give or take a few minutes. We can also reach each other through public transit quite easily should we need to.

This girl has been in Town B, living with her parents as a result of a co-op she's doing for her school program. However, semester two is rolling around, and she'll be going back to Town C until April/May, where her University is. Town C is about an hour drive away, an hour and a half if using public transit.

I've had distance ruin things for me before in the past, and I have friends who tell me that distance can never work. I like to have hope, seeing as an hour isn't really that far away at all. We both have Friday's off in the coming semester. That leaves Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights for us to spend together. (She's told me I'm welcome to stay overnight in her apartment, and she's also welcome at my place, should she come down to see me.) Between travel expenses, and my own school / part-time job, it's safe to say I'll probably see her once a week, should the circumstances permit.

We've already established that I'm coming to visit her. My concern is that I don't know if 'visit' means a one time thing to her, or a reoccurring thing. I plan to talk to her about it within the next few days.

I suppose the question I have to ask is, should I continue pursuing this girl? Or am I just setting myself up for failure? I'd really rather not deal with a heartbreak later down the road, especially over something like distance, but on the other hand, I would really love to be with this girl, and continue seeing her. So, advice forum, my question is; do you think that this can work, given the circumstances and the back story? Or am I wasting my time? (Anyone who's able to give me advice on the dreams I've been having would also be much appreciated.)

TL;DR: Hit it off with a girl a few months ago, we're into each other, she's moving about an hour away for University in a few days. Can we make it work, or am I wasting my time?

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

Distance can work, your friends are silly for suggesting that it can't (although admitably it is harder to do).
I'm in a long distance relationship, much longer than 1 hour away and it works fine.

Just make sure you see each other when you can and when you can't, there's always Skype and the phone. Ultimately whether it works or not will come down to patience, on your part and hers, but there's no reason to not try.

 

[Angie7F]

i think you should give it a try. If it works, it works.
In a lot of cases distance can be difficult, especially when you are young.
But with skype and stuff, you have it a lot more easier than generation before you.
I dont see why not .

 

[lechat]

1 hour is hardly the other side of the world
go check google and see if there is a romantic cafe (or creepy park) half way between your 2 locations

 

[Weaver]

I saw you're Canadian. The area you're describing sounds like the Kitchener/Waterloo, Guelph and Cambridge area in Ontario.

Is this where you live?
If so, I tend to travel around the area a lot and I have a car. I may be able to help you skip the public transit and save some time.

I say you should go for it. Long distance, in this case, really isn't too bad a problem IMO.
Yes you're a bit far apart, but a standard co-op is only 4 months.

The hardest long distance is when you're really far apart, with no end in sight, and no easy way to close the gap.

 

[PlainTwo]

I saw you're Canadian. The area you're describing sounds like the Kitchener/Waterloo, Guelph and Cambridge area in Ontario.

Is this where you live?
If so, I tend to travel around the area a lot and I have a car. I may be able to help you skip the public transit and save some time.

Kitchener/Waterloo happens to be my destination. I'd be coming from Oakville, close to Burlington.

 

[Weaver]

I saw you're Canadian. The area you're describing sounds like the Kitchener/Waterloo, Guelph and Cambridge area in Ontario.

Is this where you live?
If so, I tend to travel around the area a lot and I have a car. I may be able to help you skip the public transit and save some time.

Kitchener/Waterloo happens to be my destination. I'd be coming from Oakville, close to Burlington.

I live in Kitchener. Unfortunately, I don't spend a lot of time down in Oakville (in fact it's probably been like 3 years since I've even just driven through it ).

The closest I'd be is probably Georgetown/Milton, but that's not overly common; certainly not every weekend

Sorry! The most help I could probably be at this point is to offer you guys some good places to eat for a date
I do live close to the train station and the GO station though, so if you're ever stuck there I could probably give you a ride somewhere in the city.

 

[gazumped]

Town C is about an hour drive away, an hour and a half if using public transit.

Wow, is that it? I'm just saying, I live in a big city, it takes about an hour and a half just to get to the other side of town for me. It takes me an hour just to get to college, and has done for the last six years.

I see my boyfriend once a week. Sure, I miss him for most of the week, but I'm at my final year of uni and just have too much work to see him very often. It's fine, he's got his own stuff to do as well and it means that when we do see each other it's all the more special.

To me, what you have going on sounds good. It sounds like it's progressing at a good rate, not too fast nor too slow.

And no one wants to deal with heartbreak, but if you want to pursue anything good you risk losing it. Because, yehknow, you can't lose what you never had. So in the end, why not just go for it?

 

[thesilentman]

You have it better than me, OP. I make a long distance relationship work, despite the fact that I live near DC and my girlfriend now lives in Texas. No one realizes how tempted I am just to drive there and visit her...

It'll work out, OP. Just keep in touch and make sure to meet periodically.

 

[PlainTwo]

I live in Kitchener. Unfortunately, I don't spend a lot of time down in Oakville (in fact it's probably been like 3 years since I've even just driven through it ).

The closest I'd be is probably Georgetown/Milton, but that's not overly common; certainly not every weekend

Sorry! The most help I could probably be at this point is to offer you guys some good places to eat for a date
I do live close to the train station and the GO station though, so if you're ever stuck there I could probably give you a ride somewhere in the city.

Yeah, I don't blame you. Not much reason to pass through Oakville haha. The date locations would be much appreciated, though!

Wow, is that it? I'm just saying, I live in a big city, it takes about an hour and a half just to get to the other side of town for me. It takes me an hour just to get to college, and has done for the last six years.

I see my boyfriend once a week. Sure, I miss him for most of the week, but I'm at my final year of uni and just have too much work to see him very often. It's fine, he's got his own stuff to do as well and it means that when we do see each other it's all the more special.

To me, what you have going on sounds good. It sounds like it's progressing at a good rate, not too fast nor too slow.

And no one wants to deal with heartbreak, but if you want to pursue anything good you risk losing it. Because, yehknow, you can't lose what you never had. So in the end, why not just go for it?

Very true! I suppose I just feel a bit demotivated because I'm letting my past get to me. I had a girl when I was younger who didn't want any sort of commitment because we lived about an hour and a half apart. Or, maybe that was just her excuse, who knows?

You have it better than me, OP. I make a long distance relationship work, despite the fact that I live near DC and my girlfriend now lives in Texas. No one realizes how tempted I am just to drive there and visit her...

It'll work out, OP. Just keep in touch and make sure to meet periodically.

Much respect for that, it must be difficult. As I said above, I suppose I'm just worried over past experiences. It also doesn't help that a few of my close friends have told me distance would never work. I personally don't consider an hour 'distance', but there are some people out there who would, which I suppose is part of what has me worried. (Due to the fact if she somehow considers an hour too far away, there's not much I can do.)

Thank you all for your replies, though! The positive reinforcement is certainly helping my morale.

 

[The Comedian]

the hole distence always ruins things is pure bullshit. my girlfriend lived in another town then I do when we started dateing it was a 40 min drive 1 hour on puplic transport and we saw each other on weekly bases our relaitionship works perfictly and I said she lived in another town becouse right now she is in another country and I only see her 1-2 a month and she is going to be there for a while.
But you can make it work if you work hard enough on it. I'm not saying you may not go a few sleepless nights but if you want it to work it will work.

 

[ChippedShoulder]

It's only an hour dude, my girlfriend and I have been doing that for six months now and it's fine. We spend weekends together and see each other during the week when we can. You can make it work, I believe in you. /corniness

 

[Havtorn]

Having a distance relationship doesn't need to ruin anything, especially in this day in age. It's entirely possible to talk every day and meet up at least a couple of days every couple of weeks, no matter where you are.

In my experience keeping the flame going, so to speak, isn't much of a problem in a distance relationship once you've found a good balance of visits, calls and whatnot. No, the distance has never been the problem for me, it's the moving back together afterwards that I haven't gotten the hang of. That's a hurdle people don't often talk about.

 

[Weaver]

I live in Kitchener. Unfortunately, I don't spend a lot of time down in Oakville (in fact it's probably been like 3 years since I've even just driven through it ).

The closest I'd be is probably Georgetown/Milton, but that's not overly common; certainly not every weekend

Sorry! The most help I could probably be at this point is to offer you guys some good places to eat for a date
I do live close to the train station and the GO station though, so if you're ever stuck there I could probably give you a ride somewhere in the city.

Yeah, I don't blame you. Not much reason to pass through Oakville haha. The date locations would be much appreciated, though!

There's a few places
A cheaper option is the symposium. It's a (small) chain, you might have eaten at one before. However, the Waterloo one has couches that you can sit on as a couple. It's quite nice, I've taken my girlfriend there.

A far more expensive option is "The King Street Trio". It's expensive, I won't lie. A bottle of wine and dinner for two ran me $100 (baring in mind I bought a $50 bottle of wine ). However, the food is fucking phenomenal and the atmosphere is nice and romantic. My girlfriend is from Germany and she said it was, without hyperbole, the best food she's eaten in Canada.

 

[Saviordd1]

Until about a year ago I'd say "FUCK NO SON, GET A NEW GIRL"

But as my best friend has been in a constant long distance (as in, Connecticut to Kentucky long distance) relationship for nearly a year and are both very happy I'd say at least give it a shot.

 

[renegade7]

What's 1 hour in this day and age? Just take a bus up for a weekend.

 

[EeveeElectro]

It depends on how much you like/love each other. I think you have to be pretty mature and loyal to handle a long distance relationship and they're not for everyone. I found that out the hard way...

An hour isn't bad, there's no harm in trying and if it doesn't work at least you can say you gave it a bash.

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

It depends on how much you like/love each other. I think you have to be pretty mature and loyal to handle a long distance relationship and they're not for everyone. I found that out the hard way...

An hour isn't bad, there's no harm in trying and if it doesn't work at least you can say you gave it a bash.

Pretty much exactly this (even down to finding out the hard way. I know that feel, bro). If you really care about each other and it's not just a bit of fun or whatever, then you should be ok. If one of you isn't looking for something very serious then it might not work out.

 

[SinisterGehe]

Well let's just say this.

A good family friend and my Mother's good friend.
She and her husband have been married for 40+years. The husband is a pilot for cargo ships in Finnish archipelago and she works as a dentist in the mainland. But they both live almost 12 hours trip away with sea ferries.

They spend 4-6 months apart at times. They are together from weeks to few months. And then apart again. They have 4 (really beautiful - side note ) daughters from 22-15 years of age.

And again... Over 40 years. Most people don't live to be married for that long. And they have lived like this since they been together.

Distance doesn't ruin things. It makes the things tastier when you get to taste them. It can be THE BEST spice or the worst... It is all about how committed you both are to the relationship - how ready you both are to withstand the hunger and thirst - are you both ready to wait for each other.