Does this feel wrong to anyone else?

[Griff Morivan]

So, I looked up to see the calming blue of the Es...sorry. the e~scapist's site replaced with a blairing white to all sides except for that obnoxious up angle shot that the Duke Nukem gang have been so fucking proud of, only to glance up, right and literally every other language, seeing the phrase DUKE NUKEM FOREVER IN STORES NOW.

...Does this feel weird? This is the gaming equivalent to the headline GOD APPEARS IN NEW YORK or REPUBLICANS KILL ALL STUPID REPUBLICANS or MICHAEL BAY FORGETS WORD, EXPLOSION. It's something you sort of always wanted to see happen in an idealistic world, but in the REAL world, it just isn't possible.

Duke Nukem Forever was first teased fourteen years ago, as I recall. I've heard 14 and 12 flung around interchangeably, but when 3D realms was being kicked in the balls two years ago, everyone was saying twelve, so I think we're at 14. 14 years. I realize not everyone on this site is my age, but I know some of us are in our early to mid twenties. Fourteen years is literally almost 2/3rds our total age, or at least half for almost everyone. And the jokes are as much part of gaming as the character. Seriously, Duke Nukem Fukin' Never becoming inaccurate feels like there really was a deep, complex reason as to why the chicken had to cross the road all along.

And while I don't own a copy, I'm not in the press and I strongly doubt this is how it's gone, I got to admit. The trainwreck we've seen so far is precisely how I'd have done it. Let's say I'm the guy Gearbox said, 'here, this is a game most everyone forgot about until the old guys got sued. This is what they've done. Fix it.' and they handed me the carton of moldy chocolate milk that is what DNF turned out to be. I'd look at it, prod it a moment and then have a stroke of genius.

"Okay", I'd say, "This is a boring brown shitty modern FPS with all the boring tropes of mowing down commies and towel heads, because... uh... kicks. We need to finish exactly this game. We can finish this in about three months", and we would do just that. We'd make a 6 hour game over the course of three months, using boring, brown, samey, two weapons, blah. Release screen shots and tout it as amazing. THEN, I'd get to work on a wonky, colorful, amazing game that was all of what made the better DN titles good. In humor for gamers and movie nerds, big fuck off guns that destroy everything but the option to occasionally switch back to the ol' mitts, not to mention being able to snap a demon's head off and punt it.

Then, I'd release a demo for the brown one, and make it sound like this is what we're going for. And that we're super hyped for it. Then I'd even leak it on BitTorrent a week ahead of time, but it'd be the brown shitty one. And then come release day and WHA-HO! I'VE BAIT AND SWITCHED ALL OF YOU, LOOK AT MY AMAZING RETURN TO FORM.

Of course, that's a bit too high minded of me. And if nothing else, Duke has taught me that intelligent humor is appearently, as with power armor, for pussies.

 

[Snowy Rainbow]

It went on for so long I stopped caring ages ago. It went from a sad story to a joke to a sad story. And the joke was never even funny. No surprises for me that it's a shallow, poorly made relic that got railed by critics.

 

[GrimSheeper]

I never played the original Duke Nukem games, but I felt it was wrong to give Duke only two guns, regenerating health and brown realism. It could have been the flashiest, most stylish fun shooter since Serious Sam or Painkiller, but it's more like Duke Nukem: Modern Warfare, really.
I found the game to be full of more or less hidden references to games I liked though. For example, the arbitrary five minute wait mission on Duke Burger seemed a lot like the Mercy Hospital campaign of Left4Dead.
But for a game that was 14 years in the making and promised so much, I just didn't feel like this is the best it could have been.

 

[Griff Morivan]

You know, I had another though. Duke Nukem Forever is Solid Snake. Not entirely perfect metaphor, mind you, but hear me out. Back in the day, Duke was the solid bad ass that everyone liked, if only ironically. And when we finally heard there would be a return, it turned out we got some different comedy shooter guy. Let's go with... aaaah... Serious Sam. Yeah. Sure. And most people liked it, but it became a lot of like Duke Nukem but, until they both disappeared for several years. And then a new character came alone. Painkiller will be our metaphorical Big Boss. A new character, kind of, but all of it was sharper, better, cooler.

And then something happens. We finally go back to the original guy. Duke Nukem is being paid attention to again. Except now, he's old. He's feeble. Meanwhile, half way through it, a hero arrives that people give a shit. Why, Serious Sam died and came back as Cyborg Ninja Bulletstorm! And while Duke is going around doing all the shit we typically leave to boring regular boring mcboring soldiers. Bulletstorm is doing all the stuff Solid Snake used to do in that he's being the quirky, fun, if not a little disjointed hero.

...

I feel I've tortured this metaphor some.

 

[Pandaman1911]

I know, it's weird, isn't it? It's like that lamp you just brushed up against actually had a genie in it, and he's just staring at you, and he says "Well?" and you can't wrap your head around the fact that it's actually happening. I've got shit to do today, but I'm gonna pick it up later! Woohoo!

 

[Smooth Operator]

Well they had a chance to be a shining beacon of fun in the world of crippled modern shooters, and they get the brilliant idea turning it into a crippled modern shooter... amazing innovation right there.