Done thread- no more comments please.

[Getatron]

First of all, communication. It's the make or break of any relationship - hell, it's what ended the relationship I had with my ex, and even then it was only based on her not loving me anymore.

What you need to brace yourself for is a long and potentially very emotionally excruciating talk. The issue you need to work out, if that wasn't clear enough already, is where to draw the line; how friendly can you two get with friends? Does this friendliness allow footrubs? Does he give you footrubs, and so on?

It might be a stretch to quote Pulp Fiction here, but Vincent Vega and Jules Winnfield talks about giving footrubs, I'm don't consider it far from the truth. While footrubs does not equate oral sex on the same person, it still definitely means something. This is what you need to establish; what does the footrub mean? What does the flirting mean? And above all: how far are you willing to accept the flirting and physical contact?

Oh, and the most important thing: if it hurts, it definitely is not worth it. If it hurts you to know he's doing these things, either tell him to stop it, or end it then and there. You should never have to accept anything that hurts you. Remember that, if nothing else.

Good luck; it won't be easy.

[Edit] Huh, too slow with the Pulp Fiction-metaphor.

 

[Mylinkay Asdara]

Now that I think about it, I really hope he doesn't read this >.>

And to make one thing clear, other than the trust issues I have with him, he really is an amazing guy and my best friend. That's why I'm so torn. We've been so close for 3 years, and I can't imagine myself being with anyone else.
Everyone who assumes that he was cheating is doing exactly what I've been doing, assuming. That's why I made this, to see if I was justified in my reaction or if maybe I need to give him another chance to explain and work things out.

It feels like we're meant to be, because we just sort of naturally click together. But at the same time, I don't know if that's just me being overly optimistic.

And again, I still feel awful about the facebook thing, especially since it's FACEBOOK and seems so childish. But it seems like most of the people here have the same idea: "talk to him"

I would say talk to him, but I stress that you should let him know you have reason to believe he's been dishonest with you. You should probably confess your Facebook snooping in the interest of honesty (he's going to be pissed, you might have to postpone talking about the issue until he cools off).

If, after you clear the air and everyone knows how the other person feels, he should reduce or break off contact with the ex, at least for awhile until you guys get yourselves right again. If he isn't willing to do that much... then you should probably just end it, because being second best isn't what you deserve. That's a hard thing to face up to, but it isn't your fault or anything wrong with you - people feel how they feel it isn't always rational.

 

[Fetzenfisch]

Out of my collection of Exes i am very good friends with 3 of them. I meet 2 of them in my favourite clubs regularly and then we all party together. When one of them throws a party and i dont want to /cant leave during the night, i stay overnight. One of them accompanies me to a 5 day music festival every year, while my gf stays home, because she doesnt like the music.
Out of courtesy we avoid to explicit topics when my gf is around. But when she isnt why not talking about our past? even making some sexual jokes because of some embarrassing or strange experiences? no problem there. And think what, i haven't even touched one of them in any nonplatonic way since the break ups.
We needed our time after it ended, a few weeks to month mostly, but are nothing but very close friends no. Yes we share a past where we made the beast with the two backs, but its just that, past.
You got to learn to trust. If you can't trust, you shouldn't be in a relation with someone anyway.

 

[Lnc0]

A few days ago I went over his house and caught them sitting on the back porch massaging each other's feet.

If Pulp Fiction has taught me anything, it's that your best of throwing him of the side of a balcony

 

[Zorak the Mantis]

If he is still hung up on his ex you need to tell him to get over her or end it with him. Now that being said, there's no reason he cannot be friends with his ex, as long as their intentions are just that, all you have to do is ask.

I'm good friends with one of my ex's. We've both accepted that the close and romantic aspect of our relationship is over and we've moved on with our lives. However we still talk occasionally but not in the same manner as before. Since then she's had another boyfriend and I respected that by letting him know my intentions and I know she would do the same if I were in a relationship as well.

EDIT: After reading back through some of the other posts, tell him you think he's up to something and dump his ass if he persists.

 

[Lpreki93]

Oh my, I didn't expect to get so many posts on here. Although possibly my favorite advice I've gotten so far is "Date his ex."
Even I'll admit, she is quite hot.
As to the whole logging on to the facebook thing, I practically have been living with him for 2 months already, and he looks through my phone all the time, (not to see if I've been doing anything bad, but because he knows most of the people I text and sometimes texts them himself) and he looks at my facebook a lot too. So as for privacy, I was under the impression that we were open with each other and that he had nothing to hide. And he also was okay with me knowing his password to everything he has. Which again, is why I didn't think there would be anything bad.


Thank you everyone for your advice and thoughts though.

 

[TheBlakkat]

Right now, it comes down to what you,re comfortable with. If you're able to talk with him, work things out and rebuild trust, go for it. If you're not able to do that, or you don't want to, you've every right to dump him. I know that if a girl did that to me, I'd probably break up with her.

Some people have different boundaries in relationships than others. I know people who are comfortable with their partners sleeping with other people. Some of my friends, on the other hand, are very paranoid and posessive about their loved ones and get enraged at extremely minor things that didn't even have romantic undertones. Talk to him about it and see if he's willing to change, and if you're willing to forget about it if he decides to change or compromise if he doesn't. It's your decision.

 

[Lpreki93]

Well, if this is who I think it is we both know eacother and the guy in question here. If I am incorrect in my assumption here then I apologize for the confusion this may cause. If you are the person I believe you to be then we both know that this guy doesn't always make the best decisions even if he doesn't mean any harm by it. I think your best option, like many of the other people here agree with, is to talk it out and see if you can get you anywhere. If you can work something out then you must also be careful and watch for any of the same signs you had before you found out. Also posting this here may not have been the best idea as we both know he checks this site and may come accross it himself.

I actually think you might be right...

 

[Lpreki93]

I'll just put this out RIGHT NOW, if the guy in question reads this:

I'm sorry I put our troubles public like this but I didn't want to tell anyone we knew(since we basically have the same friends) because I don't want anyone treating you differently in person, and that in the end I overreacted a bit but you also crossed the line a bit. So we're both at fault.

 

[Sarah Frazier]

If what his friends say about them kissing is true, he may not be as over her as he thinks. It's a valid concern to have, especially with someone he already knows intimately and is able to spend time with physically.

Talk to him.


Tell him that you're concerned that their online flirting may lead to more physical things besides foot rubs. If he really is over her and loves you he will at least agree to stick with less intimate conversations, but telling him to not talk to her at all would paint you as a jealous little girl not wanting to share. If he's willing to keep things as 'just friends' and reserve the kissing and cuddles for you, give him a bit of space to prove himself but don't completely ignore things. If he's still paying more attention to her than to you, if he seems to be hiding things and suddenly changing passwords or making new accounts to places, and if friends still mention how close they seem to be... You did give him a chance to show where his heart is and it looks very much like it's with someone else.