Like most successful, young and stylish young men, I buy most of my clothes in WalMart. Only the finest silk-lined plaid shirts and XXL golf shorts meet my exacting standards. If they're 20% off due to missing parts and/or water damage, even better.
I was making my way through WalMart's excess Halloween stock displays (Now it can be Halloween every day! Or at least for the next three months if you buy this 300lb box of pumpkin shaped Cheetos) hoping somewhere amongst the Chinese knockoff TV's they keep in the electronics section I'd find a copy of Gears of War 2, when I came across these.
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That's right. Fanboy pants.
The fanboy pants were available for a number of different consoles and games including the 360, PS3, Nintendo, (strangely pajamas with 'Wii' written on them wouldn't go down very well) Halo 3 and, of course, Guitar Hero, because nothing says "rocking the fuck out" like a pair of $15 furry PJ bottoms.
Naturally because of my deep rooted journalistic instincts and my equally deep rooted lack of dignity and hatred for disposable income I had to own a pair.
It took me awhile but I decided, as I was there for Gears of War 2 after all, that I'd pick up the 360 pants. And hell, if I'm going to have a giant faceless mega-corporation's logo sticking to my balls for 8 hours a night it sure as hell has to be a Western faceless mega-corporation. I'm a patriot like that.
So I get my pair of 360 pants home and I'm telling you, the anticipation was killing me. I dumped Gears of War 2 on the floor (more on that later) and immediately set about opening my new dong warmers.
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The fanboy pants came in a metal tube which was, for some inexplicable reason, moulded to look like a beer can. Actually scratch that. 'Re-branded excess stock' is the reason. Guinness pants make sense, as do coca cola pants, you can't drink a console, not even the 360. The can itself is fairly sturdy and if I'm right the kind of frat boy mother fucker who actually buys one of these (interestingly they didn't come in child's sizes, these pants are adults and man-children only) will will have an irresistible urge to crush the can against his forehead like some kind of hooting neanderthal and he's going to have an unpleasant surprise when it doesn't crumple and instead punches through his skull and ends up buried in his frontal lobe.
Oh and did I mention?
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That's right motherfuckers. That small, coin shaped hole on the top of the container isn't just there to ensure whatever rodents or insects that have infested your pants during transit have air to breathe. You can keep coins in it. Ingenious. It shall replace my current coin jar (a repurposed dill pickle jar) post haste.
Oh and the packaging also states that the product is "not for food use" so any people with crippling brain injuries wanting to chow down on some long johns are going to be pretty disappointed.
[http://www.freeimagehosting.net/]
The fanboy pants themselves are a little underwhelming. It seems the trade off for the awesome coin collecting can was that these PJ's aren't thick and furry and are instead made out of thin cotton. They are comfortable and spacious however, allowing ample space for my commodious testicles to bounce back and forth freely like darling baby lambs in the great green fields of my crotch, spraying sweat at one another like flirtatious dolphins as my man meat watches on like a proud and noble lion. Also they have a draw string.
[http://www.freeimagehosting.net/]
Printed alongside the 360 logo there are the words "That's mine but you can play with it". Normally I would assume this is some kind of crappy innuendo laden joke but, when I give it due consideration, no one who buys a pair of these pants is ever going to get laid so I'd take that at face value.
I was making my way through WalMart's excess Halloween stock displays (Now it can be Halloween every day! Or at least for the next three months if you buy this 300lb box of pumpkin shaped Cheetos) hoping somewhere amongst the Chinese knockoff TV's they keep in the electronics section I'd find a copy of Gears of War 2, when I came across these.
That's right. Fanboy pants.
The fanboy pants were available for a number of different consoles and games including the 360, PS3, Nintendo, (strangely pajamas with 'Wii' written on them wouldn't go down very well) Halo 3 and, of course, Guitar Hero, because nothing says "rocking the fuck out" like a pair of $15 furry PJ bottoms.
Naturally because of my deep rooted journalistic instincts and my equally deep rooted lack of dignity and hatred for disposable income I had to own a pair.
It took me awhile but I decided, as I was there for Gears of War 2 after all, that I'd pick up the 360 pants. And hell, if I'm going to have a giant faceless mega-corporation's logo sticking to my balls for 8 hours a night it sure as hell has to be a Western faceless mega-corporation. I'm a patriot like that.
So I get my pair of 360 pants home and I'm telling you, the anticipation was killing me. I dumped Gears of War 2 on the floor (more on that later) and immediately set about opening my new dong warmers.
The fanboy pants came in a metal tube which was, for some inexplicable reason, moulded to look like a beer can. Actually scratch that. 'Re-branded excess stock' is the reason. Guinness pants make sense, as do coca cola pants, you can't drink a console, not even the 360. The can itself is fairly sturdy and if I'm right the kind of frat boy mother fucker who actually buys one of these (interestingly they didn't come in child's sizes, these pants are adults and man-children only) will will have an irresistible urge to crush the can against his forehead like some kind of hooting neanderthal and he's going to have an unpleasant surprise when it doesn't crumple and instead punches through his skull and ends up buried in his frontal lobe.
Oh and did I mention?
That's right motherfuckers. That small, coin shaped hole on the top of the container isn't just there to ensure whatever rodents or insects that have infested your pants during transit have air to breathe. You can keep coins in it. Ingenious. It shall replace my current coin jar (a repurposed dill pickle jar) post haste.
Oh and the packaging also states that the product is "not for food use" so any people with crippling brain injuries wanting to chow down on some long johns are going to be pretty disappointed.
The fanboy pants themselves are a little underwhelming. It seems the trade off for the awesome coin collecting can was that these PJ's aren't thick and furry and are instead made out of thin cotton. They are comfortable and spacious however, allowing ample space for my commodious testicles to bounce back and forth freely like darling baby lambs in the great green fields of my crotch, spraying sweat at one another like flirtatious dolphins as my man meat watches on like a proud and noble lion. Also they have a draw string.
Printed alongside the 360 logo there are the words "That's mine but you can play with it". Normally I would assume this is some kind of crappy innuendo laden joke but, when I give it due consideration, no one who buys a pair of these pants is ever going to get laid so I'd take that at face value.
