Drummer Jokes

[Mr Frogurt]

Here's an oxymoron. Drum music.

I lol'd, English Language FTW

 

[crimson5pheonix]

What's the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner? You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

 

[Fruhstuck]

A list of bass player crimes and penalties (from craigslist):

Spoiler

Bass player offenses/fines list

Name of offender _____________________________
Date of offense(s) _____ / _____ / _______

Musical offenses

Playing loudly during warm up — $10
Sound-checking amp with funk slapping — $25
Loud cursing after mistake — $10
Playing high and fast after mistake — $20
Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes — $20
Asking for "E" tuning note — $25
Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb — $50
Playing written-out walking line — $50
Failure to play written walking line — $75
Writing note names over ledger-line notes — $50
Writing beat numbers under dotted figures — $50
Playing eighth notes — $5 each
Playing sixteenth notes — $10 each
Playing above 1st octave-immediate dismissal
Dragging fast tempo — $75
Dragging ballad tempo — $100
Blacking out during ballad — $200
Ignoring drummer's tempo — $100
Following drummer's tempo — $250
Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me — $1000

Upright player offenses

Showing up before first downbeat — $25
Playing audibly — $25
Faking changes — $25
Slapping — $150
Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass — $25
Excessive sweating — $25
Pedal point double-stops during horn solo — $50
Asking leader for a solo — $30
Accepting solo when offered — $50
Taking second chorus — $100
Playing solo arco — $400
Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune — $25
Playing "A Train" ending on every tune — $200
Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune — $500

Electric player offenses

Checking hair between tunes — $15
Experimenting with odd meters — $25
Missing root at end of blistering fill — $25
Playing with a pick — $50
Tuning during ballad — $30
Playing Jaco groove on samba — $75
Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad — $150
Attempting last word on final chord — $50
Achieving last word on final chord — $100
Long gliss down to final note — $200

Equipment violations—electric

Forgetting strap — $10
Changing strings after every set — $15
Using electric tuner — $15
Setting up mic "just in case" — $75
Forgetting to turn amp on — $40
Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip — $50
Asking horn player for help moving amp — $25
Bringing custom-made bass — $100 per string above 4
Bringing more than 1 bass — $100 per extra bass
Skull decals on bass — $150
Bringing fretless bass — $500

Criminal bad taste

Telling bone player about all the gigs you get — $10
Asking bone player about their day gig — $10
Sitting behind drums on break — $10
Quoting "Birdland" — $25
Practicing scales during break — $25
Practicing scales during drum solo — $50
Practicing — $150
Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player" — $50
Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" — $100

Basic stupidity

Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt — $10
Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt — $20
Asking when the rock set starts — $20
Continually asking "where are we?" — $25
Continually shouting "Yeah!" — $25
Asking bone player where "1" is — $50
Taking cellphone call during 4's — $100



PostingID: 11644109

This is brilliant, do you have a list for drummers, guitarists and vocalists?
I want to use them lol

 

[crimson5pheonix]

What do you do if you accidentally run over a drummer? Back up.

 

[Bored Tomatoe]

Ha these are good, why do drummers and bassists have to take all the shit?

The guitarists and singers are too busy doing their hair?

True, true....

 

[crimson5pheonix]

What's the difference between a high school drum line and a dryer full of shoes? Nothing.

 

[gibboss28]

Also System of a Down is bad music with no meaning behind the lyrics, crappy vocals, and overall sound that can be replicated by garage bands made of highschoolers.

Listen to the first System album and tell me that there's no meaning behind the lyrics.

 

[crimson5pheonix]

What do you call a beautiful woman on a drummer's arm? A tattoo.

 

[Jolly Madness]

How can you know that the scene is in balance?
-The drummer drools from both sides.


How many third-trumpeteers is needed to change a lightbulb?
-None, they can't reach that high.

How many first-trumpeteers are needed to change a lightbulb?
-Three, one to change it and two to brag about how much better they could'æve done it themselves.

 

[crimson5pheonix]

What has three legs and an asshole? A drum stool.

 

[crimson5pheonix]

Why are drummers always losing their watches? They can't keep time.

 

[Shellsh0cker]

Neil Peart and Mike Portnoy would like to have words with all of you.

Here's some bass jokes:

Q: What's the difference between a bass and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.

Q: Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?
A: Even a virus has some pride.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Never mind. The piano player can do it with his left hand.

Q: What's the first thing a bass player says when he knocks on your door?
A: "Pizza!"

------------

There was a poor ragged bass guitarist panhandling for spare change on a street corner. One day someone came by and threw a brass lamp into his guitar case.

Upon rubbing the lamp, a genie appeared and offered the bass player three wishes. "I wish I was a better musician", said the bass man. Next thing he knew he was in a band that was cutting its first CD and had a loyal following.

He was pretty happy, but he wanted more. "I wish I was an even better musician", said the bassist. Before long he was playing on an extended world tour in front of tens of thousands of adoring fans. He was ecstatic, but he wanted even more.

"Genie", he said, "make me an even BETTER musician!" Poof! He found himself standing on his old street corner . . . playing drums.

------------

A couple, who's relationship was on the rocks, went to a marriage counselor who could not get them to discuss anything. The communication block was so heavy that nothing he suggested could make them open up and talk.

Finally after several sessions of non-communication, the counselor stands up, walks to the corner of the room and produces a bass guitar. He brings it to the couple, plugs it into a small practice amp and begins to play fervently. Gradually their barriers break down and they begin to discuss their problems and little things that always bothered them that they never felt encouraged to bring up before.

At the end of the session, they were smiling and laughing just like old times. They paid their bill and before leaving, the couple asked the counselor, "What did you do? How did that song help make everything work out?"

He answered simply, "Everybody talks during the bass solo."

------------

Q- What's the difference between a bass guitarist and God?
A- God doesn't think he's a bass guitarist.

Q- How do you get a bass player to stop playing?
A- Put a sheet of music in front of him.

Q- What do a vacuum cleaner and an bass guitar have in common?
A- Both suck when you plug them in.

Q- How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A- None--they just steal somebody else's light.

------------

All of these courtesy of studydrums.com

 

[crimson5pheonix]

What do you call the smartest drummer in the world? Mildly retarded.

 

[D_987]

I play drums...this thread makes me sad =(

 

[crimson5pheonix]

What do you call 10 drummers in a drum circle? A dope ring.

 

[Limos]

Ow, this really hurts man.

I'm a Drummer. Not a Rock band type of Drummer. Sure I've played Drum set, but I played other things too. I was in Drumline for 3 years, and in band for 7 years.

Have you ever tried playing four Mallet marimba? [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxajOkxdKXs] How about playing in a Drumline. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T57Xg59wem4] A real one, not like that really lame movie with Nick Cannon.

The Percussion section takes just as much skill as any of the winds or brass. And we're usually the only section that can do anything right, every, single, time.

 

[crimson5pheonix]

Why do bands have a Bass player? To translate for the drummer.

 

[Gummy]

What do you throw to a drowning Lead Guitarist?
His Amp



(and I've seen variations of these already:

what does the Bass player do?
translates for the drummer.

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
you only have to punch the information into the machine once.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
none, theres a machine for that too now. does it faster as well.

Did you hear about the band that locked the keys in the van?
it took them 3 hours to get the drummer out.

)

Keith Moon, Nick Mason, Lars Ulrich, Scott Travis.
My Generation, anything by Pink Floyd or Metallica, Judas Priest Painkiller.

Also System of a Down is bad music with no meaning behind the lyrics, crappy vocals, and overall sound that can be replicated by garage bands made of highschoolers.

Lars Ulrich is a Metronome. and I mean that in a bad way. unimaginative danish asshole.

As a progressive rock drummer i get that alot from the musically uneducated who don't understnd anything other than 4/4 (you know who you are bass players!)

9/8 is 3 sets of triplets in a row, 12/8 feels like 4/4 but has 6 beats per bar and if you play in 3/4 while the rest of the band plays in 4/4 it sounds awesome.

I do like prog

Danny Carey for the win! any tools in tonight?

What has three legs and an asshole? A drum stool.

lol, nice.


I'm a drummer btw, but the jokes are fine, I just mentally substitute 'drummer' with 'bass player'

 

[crimson5pheonix]

How can you tell a drummer is behind you? You hear his knuckles dragging the ground.

 

[Librarian Mike]

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to change it, and two to stand around talking about how Neil Peart could have done it better.


Here's another one: How many lead singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. He holds it in place and the world revolves around him.