Dumbest puzzle solutions you've ever seen

[Specter Von Baren]

So sometimes a game will have good puzzles, sometimes a game will have no puzzles, and then sometimes a game has bad puzzles. My question is, what are the worst puzzles you've ever seen in a video-game?


So my example comes from a PS2 game called Siren.
A lot of you may have heard of this one but it involves being a character in an early level, grabbing a towel, getting it wet, and then putting it into a freezer. The reason you do this is so a character in a much later level can take that now frozen towel and... balance it on the space between two desks and then place a piggy bank on top of the towel, move away from it, and then wait for the towel to melt so the piggy bank will fall and smash open, thereby distracting a demonic police officer to come out of a room so you can sneak up from behind and bash him down.

This is P&C Adventure Game levels of obfuscation. You play as multiple characters in this game who are doing things independently so just the idea of someone just deciding to do this for seemingly no reason so it would help someone else is bad enough, but there is nothing that tells you this problem with the police officer can be solved in such a manner. If the puzzle involved just this one stage then it would be a little weird but creative, but the fact that it requires you to do this before this level makes it so this puzzle is a true Guide Dang It moment through and through.

I was reminded of this puzzle today when watching an LP of the game and the frustrating memories it brought back to me compelled me to post this topic.

 

[Squilookle]

How about The Witness- a beautiful island puzzle game where literally every puzzle is just joining dots? May as well just make Myst: Sudoku edition.

 

[Specter Von Baren]

How about The Witness- a beautiful island puzzle game where literally every puzzle is just joining dots? May as well just make Myst: Sudoku edition.

Ok, tangent time.

As much as I kinda like The Witness, it is WAAAAAAYYYY overpriced. 40$ for the kind of game it is is just way too much and the money worth from the game comes from how how much detail is put in the world, the voice recordings, and even a short clip from a movie. And I wouldn't have a problem with this if the game actually was like Myst and had some kind of story significance to how things look or why things are how they are.... but there isn't.


There is no actual plot reason for why things are so pretty or why there's so many audio logs and it makes the game feel a bit hollow. It's a good game, the puzzles are good and the method of progressing through learning how to solve different puzzles in different areas but... the game really needs to be cheaper, they really needed to cut a lot of the fat on this game because it's really overpriced for what you're getting.

 

[WhiteFangofWhoa]

Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass. In order to get an NPC behind a locked door to open it for you early in the game, you must make a noise to alert them that someone is there. To do this, you don't set off a bomb. You don't roll into the door, or swing your sword around to make Link yell on his own. They won't hear any of that.

No, what you do is yell into the DS microphone. Despite never having used the microphone before in the game, and the game only telling you that you need to make a noise to alert the person. This led to me returning the rental unable to solve this 'puzzle', though from the sound of things it doesn't improve much past that part anyway. I enjoyed Spirit Tracks much more, and when you need to blow into the microphone to play a musical instrument, it is very clear about it.

 

[Palindromemordnilap_v1legacy]

Any time I'm asked to break something...but for some reason can't just use the, for examples, axe or crowbar I've been given. You give me a smashy tool it shouldn't be only smashy on one thing!

 

[Canadamus Prime]

Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass. In order to get an NPC behind a locked door to open it for you early in the game, you must make a noise to alert them that someone is there. To do this, you don't set off a bomb. You don't roll into the door, or swing your sword around to make Link yell on his own. They won't hear any of that.

No, what you do is yell into the DS microphone. Despite never having used the microphone before in the game, and the game only telling you that you need to make a noise to alert the person. This led to me returning the rental unable to solve this 'puzzle', though from the sound of things it doesn't improve much past that part anyway. I enjoyed Spirit Tracks much more, and when you need to blow into the microphone to play a musical instrument, it is very clear about it.

I'm guessing that means you never made it to the puzzle where you had to physically close the DS to make a copy of an image onto a tablet on a wall. As I recall I actually had to look that up because the game was really vague on what the hell I was supposed to do.

 

[k0n9]

Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass. In order to get an NPC behind a locked door to open it for you early in the game, you must make a noise to alert them that someone is there. To do this, you don't set off a bomb. You don't roll into the door, or swing your sword around to make Link yell on his own. They won't hear any of that.

No, what you do is yell into the DS microphone. Despite never having used the microphone before in the game, and the game only telling you that you need to make a noise to alert the person. This led to me returning the rental unable to solve this 'puzzle', though from the sound of things it doesn't improve much past that part anyway. I enjoyed Spirit Tracks much more, and when you need to blow into the microphone to play a musical instrument, it is very clear about it.

I'm guessing that means you never made it to the puzzle where you had to physically close the DS to make a copy of an image onto a tablet on a wall. As I recall I actually had to look that up because the game was really vague on what the hell I was supposed to do.

There was one like that in Hotel Dusk as well. How about the one in Gabriel Knight 3 where you have to make a fake mustache to disguise yourself as a guy who doesn't have a mustache.

 

[NerfedFalcon]

You press a button and a fish flies out of a machine, flying straight into a hole above your head. Above the hole is a hook. So you hang your dressing gown on the hook.

You press a button and a fish flies out of a machine, bounces off a dressing gown and falls down a drain. 'press button and catch fish' isn't a legal option, and you can't do anything else while the fish is flying around. Someone gave you a towel a few minutes ago. So you lay your towel over the drain.

You press a button and a fish flies out of a machine, bounces off a dressing gown, lands on a towel and is immediately swept up by a cleaning robot that comes out from a nearby panel. It's at this point you assume that the game is just messing with you. No matter; someone else in the room has a satchel, so you borrow it from him and use it to block the panel.

You press a button and a fish flies out of a machine, bounces off a dressing gown, lands on a towel, causing a cleaning robot to come out from a panel and send a satchel flying into the air. It also sends the fish flying into the air... where it's grabbed by another cleaning robot on the ceiling. At this point, you start to wonder how you could possibly solve the puzzle. If you've been picking up absolutely everything possible, then you may realise that you need to put the set of junk mail from in front of your house on top of the satchel. If you haven't been picking up everything, then when you hear this solution, you'll go to try and get it... except you can't, because the Earth's been destroyed.

You reload the game, pick up the junk mail, go to the spaceship, and press a button. A fish flies out of a machine, bounces off a dressing gown, lands on a towel, causing a cleaning robot to come out from a panel and send a satchel and a whole lot of junk mail flying into the air. A cleaning robot on the roof is so preoccupied snatching junk mail out of the air that it doesn't notice a fish arcing gracefully into your ear.

This is the very first puzzle in the game, and if you don't get the fish, you won't be able to repair the second spaceship's hyperdrive.

Welcome to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Infocom. And yes, it gets worse.

 

[09philj]

This is the very first puzzle in the game

Getting out of Arthur's house and onto the ship is an insane troll logic puzzle in and of itself.

 

[NerfedFalcon]

This is the very first puzzle in the game

Getting out of Arthur's house and onto the ship is an insane troll logic puzzle in and of itself.

I forgot about that. Mostly because I didn't think it was that difficult, since you just do what he did in the book: lie down in front of the bulldozer, go to the pub, drink three beers, and get a cheese sandwich to feed a dog to stop it from eating a microscopic space fleet.

...Wait.

 

[Dalisclock]

Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake had a doozy of a stupid puzzle. Since someone on TVtropes already described it, I'm gonna crib a bit from there.

You are attempting to bypass a gate, which has a high-voltage laser across it. Behind the gate, there is a guard, who has the ability to shut the gate off, and has been instructed to do so only at night. Your task is to somehow trick the guard into shutting off the gate.

You must backtrack to a laboratory, where there's a pair of eggs which can be taken. One egg will hatch into a snake, which eats your rations - the other will hatch into an owl, which will eat the snake if it hatches while the snake is in your inventory. There is no way to tell these two eggs apart in-game, oher then the room they're found in. Hatch the owl, and head back towards the fence. Then, equip the owl. The owl hoots, the guard, despite the broad daylight, declares it nighttime, and switches off the gate. You then get to put the worlds dumbest guard out of his misery and nobody ever turns the gate back on.

It's lampshaded by someone that the people here trust the hooting of the owl even more then clocks and the owls presumably only hoot at night, which still doesn't explain why the guard disregards the fact it's clearly still daytime and decides to shut off the gate. It's never explained why one would shut off the gate at night though, despite the fact it would make more sense the other way around.

Apparently Big Boss brought all the E-grade mooks with him for the early MG games.

 

[Elvis Starburst]

No, what you do is yell into the DS microphone. Despite never having used the microphone before in the game, and the game only telling you that you need to make a noise to alert the person. This led to me returning the rental unable to solve this 'puzzle', though from the sound of things it doesn't improve much past that part anyway.

Nintendo has a hardon for trying to make use of every feature a system has for its games, and the DS was especially bad for that.

I'm guessing that means you never made it to the puzzle where you had to physically close the DS to make a copy of an image onto a tablet on a wall. As I recall I actually had to look that up because the game was really vague on what the hell I was supposed to do.

That's actually kinda genius though. If they explained it a little more clearly it'd probably be remembered as a pretty cool puzzle idea, not one that got players lost.

I enjoyed Spirit Tracks much more, and when you need to blow into the microphone to play a musical instrument, it is very clear about it.

Spirit Tracks was so much better than Phantom Hourglass. Looks much better, actually has good and memorable music compared to maybe 3-4 songs from Hourglass's soundtrack, has some well done cutscenes and moments... And just overall felt a lot more satisfying. The last few dungeons felt a little tacked on though, but the game's final moments were really exciting

 

[Specter Von Baren]

Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake had a doozy of a stupid puzzle. Since someone on TVtropes already described it, I'm gonna crib a bit from there.

You are attempting to bypass a gate, which has a high-voltage laser across it. Behind the gate, there is a guard, who has the ability to shut the gate off, and has been instructed to do so only at night. Your task is to somehow trick the guard into shutting off the gate.

You must backtrack to a laboratory, where there's a pair of eggs which can be taken. One egg will hatch into a snake, which eats your rations - the other will hatch into an owl, which will eat the snake if it hatches while the snake is in your inventory. There is no way to tell these two eggs apart in-game, oher then the room they're found in. Hatch the owl, and head back towards the fence. Then, equip the owl. The owl hoots, the guard, despite the broad daylight, declares it nighttime, and switches off the gate. You then get to put the worlds dumbest guard out of his misery and nobody ever turns the gate back on.

It's lampshaded by someone that the people here trust the hooting of the owl even more then clocks and the owls presumably only hoot at night, which still doesn't explain why the guard disregards the fact it's clearly still daytime and decides to shut off the gate. It's never explained why one would shut off the gate at night though, despite the fact it would make more sense the other way around.

Apparently Big Boss brought all the E-grade mooks with him for the early MG games.

It's all made clear when considering it's from a series where horses can also poop in real time to cause vehicular spin-outs.

 

[Trunkage]

Can't remember anything specific but I do recall Discworld games making no sense. Just slap everything together and see what happens.

 

[Specter Von Baren]

Can't remember anything specific but I do recall Discworld games making no sense. Just slap everything together and see what happens.

See... At least with P&C Adventure Games like this where everything is straight up presented as being humorous and not meant to make sense you can kind of get into the logic of the game. If you're in Cloud Cuckoo Land then just act like a Cuckoolander yeah?

It's when these kinds of ridiculous puzzles show up in serious games like the infamous rubber ducky puzzle in The Longest Journey that I get mad about these things.

 

[Canadamus Prime]

I'm guessing that means you never made it to the puzzle where you had to physically close the DS to make a copy of an image onto a tablet on a wall. As I recall I actually had to look that up because the game was really vague on what the hell I was supposed to do.

That's actually kinda genius though. If they explained it a little more clearly it'd probably be remembered as a pretty cool puzzle idea, not one that got players lost.

I suppose it wouldn't have been so bad if it weren't a case of "How the hell was I supposed to figure that out?"

 

[Dalisclock]

It's all made clear when considering it's from a series where horses can also poop in real time to cause vehicular spin-outs.

True but MG2 was fairly grounded for this series, especially since it was before the crazy started really taking hold. A lot of the puzzles are video-gamey for sure but generally kinda make sense(the swamp maze can fucking die in a fire though). Well, except the POSION ZANZIBAR HAMSTERS which notably have never been mentioned again, so apparently Koijima is ashamed of his words and deeds there.

 

[Meximagician]

The fangame Zak McKracken: Between Time and Space has one so stupid, it puts the game it's based on to shame.

You must talk to a French researcher, and he agrees to talk with you, if you help him out. He's forgotten his wallet and is in the middle of eating a meal at his favorite fancy restaurant which will take nothing but cash. You have plenty of money, but only on a debit card. You also have a live cockroach, but are not allowed to just drop it in his food...

Spoiler: So you must...

Take a road trip back to the airport to get a fake mustache, take a round trip to Waikiki to get a book on French etiquette (as well as dispose of the current waiter of the restaurant).

Talk with the maitre d' about getting a job (who somehow knows about his missing waiter). Meet the maitre d' at the back of the restaurant. Fail the last part of the job interview by dropping a handful of plates (this way he won't stop you from talking to one of the diners). Speak to an indecisive diner in the restaurant (with the French etiquette book) to convince them to choose the soup over the salad.

Return to the back of the restaurant and use the cockroach to trick the chief to step into the pantry. Lock him in the pantry with a crowbar. Use a chamberpot to dish up some soup.

Return to the dining area and, in full view of the maitre d', put on the fake mustache and serve the indecisive diner (the maitre d' wouldn't let you talk to this man, but he will let you serve food appearently). You automatically leave the restaurant. The indecisive diner realizes midway through his soup what he's been served with, then smashes the chamberpot over the head of the maitre d'.

Then the French researcher tells you nothing you didn't already know, except the name of a different researcher you must talk to in Scotland. FUUUUUUUU--

 

[Drathnoxis]

Yeah, Siren had some good ones. If I remember correctly, you can actually distract that guard a different way if you are fast enough and a bit lucky.

[hr]

Basically any puzzle that requires outside information to solve. If I need to leave the game and look something up on Google, I consider that a complete failure of a puzzle. I'm playing STAY at the moment and one puzzle requires that you know the countries that 5 different numbering systems are used in, and no it never tells you at any point in the game.

The final puzzle in PT was really awful too. Finding the solution required translating phrases that are shown on screen for a couple seconds from German, speaking into a real life headset, and collecting all the pieces of a picture one of which is hidden in a menu. A menu! All the others are actual objects in the gameworld, how does the menu possibly fit into that context!!

It's like being asked to put a jigsaw together, and after a while you realize that the box only contains half the pieces and the rest are hidden around your's and your neighbor's house. It's not a fair puzzle.

 

[maninahat]

In Life is Strange, the protagonist Chloe gets impossibly powerful, reality bending super powers that let her rewind time itself. One of the earlier uses of this incredible ability is to... make an obstructive teenager move out of the way. Rather than just step around the obnoxious girl, Chloe has to repeatedly go back in time to set up a complicated Rube Goldberg machine in which a paint can has to fall off of some nearby scaffolding and cover the kid in paint.

It won't be the most convoluted or ridiculous puzzle on the list here, but it feels especially egregious for being so at odds with the story the game is telling.