Enemy Chatter

[No-Superman10]

Let's face it, NPC grunts are DUMB, that's what makes sneaking up on them and listening in or their conversations so entertaining, be it discussing nose-picking strategies or bragging about their latest exploits of questionable legality.
Have any favourites? List them here!

A few to start:

From XIII:
Grunt 1: What does the target look like? We don't even have a picture.
Grunt 2: Relax, if you spot a woman who freaks out when she sees you just grab her.

From Timeslpitters: Future Perfect
Guard 1: It's not fair! The girls get much nicer uniforms than we do!
Guard 2: Uhhh... you want to wear the girls' uniforms?
Guard 1: Yes. I think they give good freedom of movement, and they must be nice and cool in summer.
Guard 2: Huh, man... you're weird. Why are you telling me this?
Guard 1: I think you will understand. I have watched you a lot. I think you are not like the others. I think we could become special friends... but now we are alone. Now is time for action, not words.
Guard 2: Mummy!

 

[the_pleasure_is_mine]

Not sure about idle NPC chatter... but I know some lines in Battlefield: Bad Company were absolutely hilarious.

Also, if it kind of counts, the random one liners that Cole swill spout out during Gears of War multiplayer.

 

[TornadoFive]

The guards from Batman: AA. Especially the bit where one of them is recounting how Joker told him to kill his sister. Then another guard says Joker told him to do the same thing, but as he didn't have a sister, he just went and killed the first girl he came across. As he put it "Joker seemed happy enough".

 

[RuralGamer]

Rainbow Six Vegas 2: everything they say is classic when in combat.

Bad Company 1: the legionnaire's men were pretty funny

 

[Mr Thin]

And yet another reason to praise Splinter Cell Chaos Theory. I talk about this game too much.

There's a bit on the Hokkaido level where two guards are having a conversation about the nightingale floor panels they have installed.

One guy tells the other guy they use those floors to detect ninjas. The other guy makes fun of him, and they have an argument, which ends with the second guy walking away, sarcastically saying "Watch out for ninjas."

I of course then grab the guy from the shadows, and he proceeds to gush about how ninjas are real, he knew it all along, and when I threaten to kill him, he's like, "Wow! I'm gonna be killed by a real ninja! Awesome!"

I couldn't bring myself to do it. I knocked him out and laid him down gently.

 

[iFail69]

Rainbow Six Vegas 2: everything they say is classic when in combat.

Damn it, someone beat me to it... but yeah, THIS! xD

 

[Pearwood]

Portal turrets are my favourite, those guys are just adorable.

 

[razerdoh]

Stormtrooper chatter ...

/thread

 

[General Twinkletoes]

Rainbow Six Vegas 2: everything they say is classic when in combat.

XD fond memories

Grunt 1"Cover me!"

Grunt 2"Fuck you!"

 

[GrizzlerBorno]

Anyone else remember the guard in Max Payne who was telling a collegue about how he "named" his M16? I remember that being friggin hilarious, though it was so long ago I forgot the details. Anyone?

 

[Flames66]

Jedi Academy:
Stormtrooper 1: "That Bith was really getting on my nerves so I shot him. How was I supposed to know he was a friend of the Admiral?"
Stormtrooper 2: "You'll be executed for sure."
Stormtrooper 1: "No way. They don't know it was me."
Stormtrooper 2: "Sure they do. Your pistol has a tracking device in it. The higher-ups can trace when your weapon was fired and where."
Stormtrooper 1: "You're kidding? Ummm?I have to go check on something."

Mercenary 1: "I can hardly see in this thing. It's like being a stormtrooper all over again."
Mercenary 2: "You were a stormtrooper?"
Mercenary 1: "Yeah, but I couldn't stand taking orders so I jumped ship first chance I got."
Mercenary 2: "Smart move. By the way, the boss gave us orders to patrol the north hall."
Mercenary 1: "Okay, let's go."

From XIII:

What is XIII?

I of course then grab the guy from the shadows, and he proceeds to gush about how ninjas are real, he knew it all along, and when I threaten to kill him, he's like, "Wow! I'm gonna be killed by a real ninja! Awesome!"

I couldn't bring myself to do it. I knocked him out and laid him down gently.

So did I.

 

[roostuf]

the first far cry grunt chatter, brilliant.

 

[Daggedawg]

Timesplitters: Future Perfect has a few really good ones.

Soldier 1: You know what best way to keep warm is?
Soldier 2: No, and I DON'T Want you to show me!
Soldier 1: But arctic explorers do it all time...
Soldier 2: I don't care!

There was also a funny bit in Thief: Deadly Shadows where two guards were playing cards, and one of them accidentally made the other one win while explaining the rules to him.

 

[Durananrananrananran]

From XIII:

What is XIII?

I assume this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/XIII_(video_game) but it could be Final Fantasy 13... XIII was almost good but it did have the voice of Adam West in it

 

[evilstonermonkey]

Portal turrets are my favourite, those guys are just adorable.

Haha I loved them so much. But every time one of them said "I don't hate you" I actually felt bad about it...

 

[annoyinglizardvoice]

Eat Lead! with Matt Hazard has some great ones, my favourite being"
Merc1: people don't realise how hard it is being a mercenary....
Merc2: don't say that.
1: What?
2: Mercenary. I hate when you call us that.
1: But we get paid to attack people. Isn't that what mercenaries do?
2: Don't make me go a find someone to come and pay me to come over there and kick your ass!

 

[chromewarriorXIII]

Rainbow Six Vegas 2: everything they say is classic when in combat.

My favorite is after you shoot one:

Guy 1: Shit! That ***** owed me money!
Guy 2: Me too!

 

[AnAngryMoose]

Anything from Timesplitters

 

[Gottesstrafe]

Ah shoot, you guys took the best Time Splitters: Future Perfect quotes. Here's a third set.

Female Guard: So Goran and I finally did it last night.
Female Guard 2: Really? What was it like?
Female Guard: It was fascinating. I always thought cults were for losers, but Goran said the Cult of Ultra Science was different. So we argued, but he persuaded me that we should join, and we did last night. I certainly don't regret it, we are special now, and we are going to get more and more so.
Female Guard 2: What do you mean special?
Female Guard: I can't say, unless you join yourself. Don't worry the initiation isn't too bad, although it still hurts to sit down!
Female Guard 2: Well, I am curious. I want to be special too, and I don't mind a little pain.

There are a few CELL trooper quotes in Crysis 2 I vaguely remember, most of them talking **** about me despite acknowledging I had a cloaking system.

 

[Serioli]

And yet another reason to praise Splinter Cell Chaos Theory. I talk about this game too much.

There's a bit on the Hokkaido level where two guards are having a conversation about the nightingale floor panels they have installed.

One guy tells the other guy they use those floors to detect ninjas. The other guy makes fun of him, and they have an argument, which ends with the second guy walking away, sarcastically saying "Watch out for ninjas."

I of course then grab the guy from the shadows, and he proceeds to gush about how ninjas are real, he knew it all along, and when I threaten to kill him, he's like, "Wow! I'm gonna be killed by a real ninja! Awesome!"

I couldn't bring myself to do it. I knocked him out and laid him down gently.

'When you kill me...Will you...use your blowgun?' Ha, he was great.

OT: I can't remember which one, but one of the thief series had two guardsmen talking, one mentioned he was ill and the horrible stuff the herbalist was making him drink and the other guy was sympathetically saying that's why he didn't trust healers, you don't know what they're giving you.