Fatherhood

[BringBackBuck]

A few months ago my wife gave birth to our second child (less than 12 months after baby no1). So I now have 2 babies < 1 year apart. Baby no2 is unsettled and cries almost constantly when not being held. This has got baby no1 out of his routine and results in very little sleep for us (particularly my wife) at the moment. Basically it is hard work.

I help out as much as I can and will take care of both children on the weekends - I have managed to give her a couple of breaks to go out and get her hair done or go out with girlfriends.

I work all day in a very stressful and demanding job. Normally I would be working 12-14 hours a day during this time of the year, however I leave at 5-6pm each day to get home and help out with dinner and bathing children - which only results in more pressure at work. I get home some days to a wife in tears who is struggling to cope. I tell her things are going to be OK, and she has support groups (me, her family, friends, mother's group, etc).

When things have been going well I have told her I am struggling to cope but it always ends up in a competition about 'who's doing it tougher' and I don't push it because my job is to support her not add my problems to the situation. I don't have any support as I have no friends in the same position, and my own Dad just tells me how easy it is because it was 30 years ago for him and he has forgotten (and probably had a much less active role in child care).

I think this is why male suicide is 4-5 times more common than female. Men are just expected to bear the emotional load in a relationship and just suck it up in stoic manly fashion.

Anyway (sorry for the wall of text), my question is this: Are there any dads out there who have experienced similar and have any advice, or know of any, preferably online, support groups?

 

[SiskoBlue]

I had a very similar experience. Although we had our kids over 2 years apart so that made a big difference. Also it was our first child that had trouble sleeping whereas the second has been mostly "normal" in her sleeping pattern.

I never got support either. It was always about how tough it is for the mother, and it usually is, but as you say this means any needs you might have get completely ignored. And yes you are expected to suck it up in stoic fashion. If you complain you'll be treated as if you're a spoilt child. It's not fair.

Not sure what you can do to help your wife. We struggled through and a few occassions I took a strong lead and told her to just go sleep. Which was tough because sleep deprivation can take you to very strange emotional places and make it impossible to just sleep. We basically had two rules in the end 1. No discussing the issues between 12am-5am in the morning. Tempers are at their thinnest, get through the night and wait until morning.

Rule number 2. Do whatever it takes to survive. In the end I had our eldest in one bed with me, and my wife carried on with the baby. I had numerous shift jobs when I was young so handle sleep deprivation pretty well, and fortunately my job is NOT stressful or time demanding. Still, going on 4-6hrs sleep a night for over a week will take it's toll. Learn to manage it. It took a little while to get my eldest to sleep on his own but at least once everyone was getting sleep it was a problem we could handle.

Fortunately I had a friend, he wasn't a dad but I could bend his ear occassionally, and he understood. I'd have to demand the time though. Pointing out to my wife that although she may be stuck at home and always with the kids she gets visits from family and friends a couple times a week. I got to see a friend, any friend, about once a month. I didn't argue fairness, I argued my sanity. And that's kind of the deal for you. Don't argue about who has it worse, discuss how you're going to manage all the problems.

Kids grow up so it will get better but it came seem like an impossible dream at 2am in the morning with kids screaming. One thing to remember, before the age of say 2, the kids don't mean it. There are times when you feel the little bastards are deliberately doing it just to drive you insane. They are not. They will do stuff to drive you insane, but they don't do it deliberately until at least 2 or 3. So try not to get to angry at them. It's hard and you will anyway but try to keep it all in perspective.

I really feel for you. It gets very lonely. You should be relying on each other in a marriage but neither of you is up to much supporting. I soldiered on and it got better. No idea if that's the best way, the only way, or a bad way to do it. I never sought groups or advice, partly because you get jerks that say "I never had a problem with that? Maybe you should try....." why do they even finish the sentence then?

If you have family that can help with the kids, lean on it. We had our eldest stay with in-laws about once every two weeks for a while. Knowing that there was at least a break in the future makes it more bearable. Good luck.