Favorite Comeback

[PedroSteckecilo]

Groucho Marx:

I never forget a face, but for you I'll make an exception.

 

[xitel]

You're drunk!
And you're ugly. The difference is, come morning, I will be sober. Priceless.

 

[Erana]

I can't compete in a dick-waving competetion.

(Unfortunately, it is only effective with men...)

 

[SmugFrog]

I like my comeback to "your mum". You look teary eyed, stare at the floor and say in a shaky but blank voice, ".. My mum's dead." And just stare at the floor piling on the melancholy.

I once did that to a guy, he was almost shitting himself with apologies.

See now, my mom really is dead. She died when I was 18 - and for a while I really took offense to the "your mom" comeback. Then I got over it. Nowdays when I half jokingly use the "Yeah, well my mom is dead, so you're a sick bastard." - people don't really seem to care or just assume I'm joking.

Personally, I like to just take it over the top. For example:

There was this big guy that was always an asshole to everyone on the ship. He would always have some foul language remark (clearly grew up as a bully), loved picking on people, and would generally get other people to laugh at whatever he said.

One day at lunch he turned his attention towards me. I forget what he said, but I just smiled at him. Then I stood up and yelled in a deep barbarian caveman type voice: "HEY EVERYBODY! Look at me! I'm Chuckie Stevens! " (name changed for protect his identity) "LOOK AT ME! I'm such a fat ass, I've always gotta get in the chow line first because I'M SO DAMN HUNGRY!" I grabbed my mash potatoes in my hand and slammed them into my mouth - "MMMMMmmmm DAMN that's good! I'm Chuckie Stevens! I'm a fat ass so I yell at other people to make myself feel better!" Other people started laughing at him and me, and he turned so red. He was even laughing it was so outrageously over the top. He never did mess with me again though - I don't know if he was impressed or freaked out.

 

[RAWKSTAR]

if i cant think of anything witty to say i usally just throw out a "no your a (insert random inament object)" it usally leaves the person baffeld and me looking kind of retard, still worth it though.

example

"you moma so fat when she sits around the house she sits AROUND the house"
"no your a toaster"
akward silence....

This is possibly the most awesome idea ever. I really will have to give this a shot!

 

[fix-the-spade]

i) Say that again when your opinion matters.
ii) You are entitled to your wrong opinion.
iii) This is why we never invite you out.
iv) (Long silence) No.

Or, for the more physical among you.

Pick someone up by their hair. You have to be bigger than them and they have to have plenty of hair, but the look of abject, total terror in their face never gets old.

 

[Jobz]

A friend and I had just finished having a rather heated religion argument, him being catholic and me being an atheist. When it was over we went back to watching TV and forgot about it for a bit. They were showing something about Paris Hilton on TV and my friend mentioned that fact that he hated people like here that were only famous because of who their fathers were. Me being a Ricky Gervais fan and remembering something I'd heard in one of his acts, I couldn't resist saying:

"Yeah, well you could say the same thing about Jesus." he stayed silent for a second, the stormed out of the room.

A few of my other favorites are a bit overdone now, for example "You should have been a blow job." That one really used to put people off.

The rest of my preferred comebacks aren't really comebacks. They involve agreeing with whatever the person says to me in order to weird them out and make them go away. Things like:

"You're gay."
"Yep...wanna fuck?"

or

"I fucked your mother."
"Oh, so you're the premature ejaculator she was so pissed about."/"Enjoy the AIDS."/"That's fucked up man...my mom's been dead for years."

They work well if you're a shameless individual like me.

 

[theklng]

i don't usually use comebacks, i prefer to just insult them, and wait. so while they're trying to tell me something to my face, i slow change my facial expression from a grin to a death stare to a mischievous smile. i also tend to do this also while in a regular conversation. people look up at me, stare blankly for a second or two, blink, and proceed to tell me i'm weird or start laughing or back off.

it's funny, because i started by insulting these two arrogant persons while i was working in a bar, so they tried their best comeback and i just did the face switch. one of them just looked at me and said, "you know, i have considered myself psychotic for years now, but i think finally, i've found someone that has bested me."

he then asked me whether i studied something, and upon telling him, he gave me his card and said i should call him about a job.

 

[noodleboy]

Your mama sooooo fat taht when she jump for joy... SHE GOT STUCK! (In fob asian accent btw)

 

[electric discordian]

Thats rich coming from a man who can read by the light of his own Gonorrhea..

Talk to the face the hands busy...

And to the person whinging that he had his wages cut by twenty pound the week I was made redudndant...

I will use last pay check to buy you the worlds smallest violin.

 

[LordCraigus]

Anything involving someones mother, it's so crappy and cliched it's hilarious.

 

[ChromeAlchemist]

And old Churchill, in response to a woman calling him drunk: "I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly."

Still one of the best comebacks in history, I lol every time i hear it. Churchill was such a legend.

 

[Jaythulhu]

I prefer to develop them on the fly, preferably using the person's statements back on them. That said, a lot of people aren't worth a well thought out retort, or they're just too stupid to understand them. That's when I pull out one of the following:

Whilst everyone has something to bring to a conversation, the only thing you should bring from now on is silence

or

Sorry, you've mistaken me for someone who cares

and finally

Go get a big black dog up ya.

 

[lenneth]

one of my friends likes saying 'your face' as a comeback (if anyone can think of something i can say back please let me know)

So's your whole familys face

I'm sure there is some very clever meaning to that but, whatever it was, it went straight over my head.

No higher meaning here its just meant to be a lame immature comeback to a lame immature comeback

 

[DeadpanLunatic]

I have removed my words from this site.

 

[smallharmlesskitten]

One million sperm... and you were the fastest?

Your momma is so fat... I rolled over twice and i was still on the *****

 

[Graustein]

What if they take my book? I reach into my bag, pull out another, and continue as if nothing ever happened.

I love you.

 

[Vuzzmop]

Am I the only one who finds "your mum" come-backs to be both boring and childish?

 

[perfectimo]

Am I the only one who finds "your mum" come-backs to be both boring and childish?

Nope but that's the point nowadays. I don't have a favourite comeback, I will only use them in a pathetic way.

 

[Librarian Mike]

I always liked the one from Aliens, between Hudson (male) and Vasquez (female):

Hudson: Hey Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man?

Vasquez: No. Have you?