Feel like I'm going insane

[Relish in Chaos]

OK, so lately, I've been feeling as if I'm legitimately going insane. Little bit of background information before I begin my quasi-venting/request for advice: I've been diagnosed with OCD, generalised anxiety disorder and clinical depression, and I'm currently taking 75mg of Sertraline with plans to upgrade to between 100 to 200mg over the coming weeks. I think some people on this forum might already know about my diagnoses, but whatever.

Anyway, first off: I can't trust my mind and body anymore. Or, to be more particular, I can't trust what my mind and body feels anymore. Part of that is because I obsess over everything. The fact that I'm nervous or on-edge about 90% of the time means that I have to void my bowels perhaps more often than other people, but although I'd had constipation a while ago possibly due to a mixture of poor diet and said anxiety and that issue has since cleared, there are times where I would think I'd have to go because I don't feel quite right comfortably, I'd try to go but nothing would come out, and afterwards I wouldn't feel it anymore. Or times where I go and it's like fucking diarrhea when it comes out. My bowels tend to fluctuate; what I'm saying is that it's unstable and I never know what my body's going to do, so I just have to cope as best as I can, without thinking about it too much.

Another big problem is that I'm functionally stupid. I'm clumsy, have trouble following directions, and overthink even little things like shaving or other stuff a regular 18-year-old should be able to do by now, to the point that I have such low self-esteem I need my mother to supervise me before I can confidently do something required to look after myself without worrying that I'd fuck it up, and then actually fuck it up because I already expect I will before it even happens...if that makes sense. It doesn't to me either.

Ultimately, my life just doesn't amount to anything anymore. I have no identity and feel like I'm trapped in a person I hate. I might as well be a goddamn alien, because I can be with my friends when they're talking about car insurance and stuff and I'm just off in my mind thinking about how different their lives are compared to mine and that I'm still such a fucking kid. I don't have interest in a lot of things anymore, aside from...well, this. Going on forums and watching videos on the internet; that's it. I haven't properly played a video game in a year, in contrast to when I was a preteen, it was practically a weekend necessity. Suicide isn't an option either, due to my crippling fear of if I were to fuck up and end up brain-damaged, or what would happen to me after death (complete unconscious darkness would be preferable to reincarnation, where I'd have to suffer existence and life again). I'm not as bad as I was maybe three years ago, thanks to the medicine and CBT, but it feels like I climb one step up a mountain, get knocked down a couple of steps when something crazy happens, and I have to restart the journey. I'm not sure if I'll even get there, or I'll just die of insanity or some shit like that. I'm fed up. I don't like living.

What good is life if you can't enjoy even the small parts of it? Where you're always distracted by some unimportant bullshit that'll make it hard for you to even live when you go to university, get a house, and try not to fuck even that up? Existence is a pain. I know I sound like a whiny fucking teenager with First World Problems, but you know what? Sadness is relative. The fact that I should be happy and that I am a good person who hasn't done anything to hurt anyone is frustrating, but I'm not happy and feel like I'm the fucking spawn of Satan, because at least then, it'd be an explanation for why my cursed brain works the way it does. It needs rewiring, but that's nigh-impossible. I can't take it anymore. I don't know what to do.

OK, so blah blah blah, story over. What are your thoughts, advice, or insults?

 

[Barbas]

My first thought is that reading your story gave me the strangest feeling. It reminded me of someone I used to know. You made the right choice by coming here. If you decide to speak, you will always find that there are people who want to listen.

Depression, you say...that's a common grievance, but each person's experience of it probably feels singularly cruel. The first thing I can say to help you is that you are definitely not alone in feeling what you've described. Not at all. I could try to write you a laundry list of possible solutions to your problems, but in my limited time with people, I've come to understand that sometimes, they prefer something with a simpler, more personal approach. Since you've decided to share your story with me, I'll tell you mine.

Spoiler: Enclosed.

The only reason I am able to speak to you now is that several years ago, I was unfortunate enough to feel some of what you have described. Over the course of several years, I had begun to feel more and more melancholy. In my case, this gave way to the infrequent meals and, after several weeks, the protracted days when I didn't leave my house, then my room, then my bed. I started off hating my misery for bringing me low, then I embraced it and turned it into hostility that I pointed at anyone who came near. It was always scathing "wit", sarcasm and apathy. Spreading that misery was the only thing that made me remotely happy, at least until the inevitable self-hatred came around again. It made me sick. It made me retch until my stomach cramped. By this point, I had begun to speak less and less to my friends and family, finally deciding that all I wanted out of life was for my room to be where I died. I thought I knew exactly what was outside that door and I didn't want any part of it. The sliver of it that I could see through the curtains had lost its colour, reflecting my own sickly complexion. This was it, I was sure of it. My friends, family and the people I passed in the street, I'd never have to see any of them again. Nothing but a long sleep, the kind I hadn't had in far too long.

To this day, I'm not sure exactly what caused me to change my mind. Much of my memory of that time is patchy at best, but I remember that I started to feel like I was throwing up not because of anger or anxiety, but because I wanted to reject it like a poison. At some point, I realized that I wasn't going to die lying in a bed and wishing for it, so I could either continue on this downward spiral, presumably toward some suicide attempt, or try and do something to stop the constant nagging fear and loathing that was taking away everything it meant to be a human being.

I started to look for different reasons to be happy, because I had to. I started to challenge myself to look for the best, the most inspiring examples or the most selfless acts. Partly because I hadn't been outside for what felt like the longest time, I didn't have to go very far to find them. Ironically, the people I had convinced myself I hated began to become a source of new-found respect. People, not just the celebrated figures I saw in old, collected books and film reels, but the kind and considerate ones who had often been living a single wall away, became the most powerful factor in my recovery. They kept surprising me, over and over again, and through everything I could find about them - all I could read of their books, films and personal testimonies - they rekindled my flagging interest in history and the world around me. I got better and better and I no longer bear resemblance to the person I once was.

I am no doctor. You could decide to double your medication and it still might not help you overcome your problems. A vital part of life is perspective. You could point out a beautiful building to the person next to you or remark upon the astonishing variety of life in the ocean, but they might only see a grey world, a callous and indifferent world. Perspective is never set in stone; it can be changed and doing so can work wonders. I went from someone who had crippling anxiety and debilitating hatred to someone who was able to view people with an honest curiosity. I wanted to learn as much as I could about the world, because I realized how very little I knew about it before.

Now, having braved all of that, you might well be wondering how it relates to your own situation. That story is an example of what can happen if you allow yourself to be overcome by the simple worries of life. Stopping frequent meals, avoiding exercise or the outdoors, the constant worrying over thing you personally know that you can do, these and so many other things can build up. Life definitely feels like a journey with a lot of twisting corners, ups and downs. A lot of feelings you've described are things we all feel. I'm still scared of some things. I'm scared of the certainty of death and the uncertainty of an afterwards, I really am, but now I can view these things in a different light. It is when we are unsure and afraid that we are at our most alive and alert.

If life is like climbing a mountain, is that really so bad? There are a lot of things we can't change in life. The lesson is in learning to accept them as they are and adapt ourselves to them. That flexibility is one of our greatest qualities. Why do we climb mountains? Well, because they're there, of course - because it's a challenge and life without its challenges would be no life at all. Maybe you're focusing too far ahead into the future. Maybe what matters is the here and the now. Maybe you've been living for the future, for somewhere you aren't, which means that when you get there, you're never able to enjoy it. Does it matter so much what happens tomorrow? Go and tell your family how much you love them today. Then, do something small that makes you happy, anything a all. Find a piece of music you've always liked, pour yourself a warm drink, find some pencils and sketch the view outside your window. Forget the bigger picture for a moment and you'll find yourself loving what you're doing now. I don't think there's anything stupid about you and if that's what you think, then you're telling yourself lies. You are a human being, a fantastically complex thing.

If you worry that your life doesn't amount to anything and you don't know how you're going to deal with the inevitable cars, houses or taxes, let me let you in on a little secret: I have no fucking idea what I'm doing! I'm still here, though, and steadily getting better. The trick is to start small. Life is about the little goals and when those start to tally up, you'll already have big ones to be proud of. As for the idea of you being insane? I don't think that's the real you. A lot of us feel we can't take it, surprisingly often, but life's about how you react to the necessary pitfalls and challenges. The size of things, the inevitability of things, can make them seem terrifying or hopeless, but it can also help you appreciate what you know and have.

If you read through all that, I hope it makes some positive difference to the way you look at yourself and at life. It's not a pain, my friend, it's a feeling of exhilaration. It's an adventure that you're living in and when you realize that, you'll understand what people mean when they say that you can go anywhere and do anything, because you'll be able to.

 

[Relish in Chaos]

Thank you for devoting your time to talking to me. I really am glad that I'm able to take to someone and be reminded that other people have gone through similar things as I have. I understand that I have to train myself to accept things and have a brighter perspective on life's challenges - it's just that it can be so difficult sometimes.

But I do feel a bit better about what's coming ahead after reading your post. I mean, I don't expect to suddenly wake up tomorrow and be as happy as Larry, but...I guess there's no point in worrying about the what-ifs when the future isn't even written yet. My thoughts are irrational; I suppose I just need to dissociate myself from those thoughts by seeing them as all they are: thoughts. Or something like that.

But yeah, again, thanks. I'll try to take those words on board, and not sweat so much over the petty things.

 

[Barbas]

Well, I'm glad I could do something to help. Like I said, If you've got any questions or concerns, you'll always have an ear here. I'll leave you with a bit of music that always helps me feel better:


Take care and be well!

 

[Relish in Chaos]

Hello you

What I would like to add to the (brilliant) post of Barbas is this:
Mental illness is hard. It really is. And sometime you're stuck with it for a long period of time (mine I'll probably never get rid of). The thing to remember is, even though the problem might be permanent, the pain isn't.

Now, I'll assume you're young and you probably got diagnosed not long ago. I know it feels like the end of the world to be labeled as X or Y. You feel anxious about the future, you don't know how you'll manage things, there's big questions coming in (Will I ever be employed ?). It might take a while to get over it but you will.
Everybody, even people who have terminal diseases have better days.

Sadly, the Buddhist says that life is suffering and there is a big part of truth in that. There are a lot of bound of happiness. You just have to savor the good bits and tell yourself that when you're in the shitty bits that it will pass.

Look, I know mental illness is hard, there ain't much you can do. Your feeling of not trusting your brain and that it need rewiring is well known by me. I don't know where you live but if you have some good therapy resources, try to get as much as you can. I think to successfully help someone with a mental illness you need to heal both the brain and the soul: medication for the brain and talk therapy for the soul. I know I had a hard time managing when I wasn't medicated. When I got on my medication, I still felt like I needed something. Therapy really helps in the long run. If there is group therapy try to join them too.
You probably would like to find someone to relate to right ? The first resources that comes in mind is the internet but... I wouldn't recommend it. It can help sometimes but too much of it you'll get depressed after a while.

Look, I know your shit is tough.
If there is anyone in your life that is really positive or that you feel a lot better after you talked to them, try to see them more often.
Don't isolate yourself. I know we often want to be alone when we're in these bad times but try to get out of your comfort zone. Try something new. Anything you ever wanted to do but couldn't do it ? Now is maybe the right time.

Anyway hope that helps.
Don't stress on the negative, try to have a more positive outlook. I know being happy feels like a mountain away but you'll get there eventually. Do what you have to do to help yourself.

You can do it man.
Take care !

Yeah, I was diagnosed about 2 to 3 years ago, but I'm not too caught up on the labelling of it. It's at least good to know that I have names for the weird shit in my head, even if it's not always as quantifiable as I'd like it to be.

And yes, I'm getting therapy. CBT, in fact. And I'm on antidepressants, with plans to increase, as I mentioned in my opening post. I guess all I can do now is hope and continue going with the flow. Thanks.