All right. Take a few deep breaths, and calm down. I will walk you through the busterkeatonrules solution.
CAUTION: busterkeatonrules is not qualified as a doctor, nor as a whole lot else. He is a random stranger from the Internet, of whom you know absolutely nothing. The first thing you should do is go see the kind of doctor who has an actual doctor's office where you can physically show up and talk to a real human being. The Internet can probably help you find several such places close to where you live. Once you have done this, you may proceed.
You back? Excellent. Let's begin!
*Cut a small baguette in half, lenghtwise. If you have no baguette handy, two slices of freshly baked bread will do nicely.
*Apply a thin coating of butter or margarine to the bottom slice. If you're feeling creative, spreadable cheese will also do.
*Place a leaf of lettuce on top of the aforementioned substance.
*Now is an excellent time to place a slice of cheese on top of the lettuce, especially if you didn't use cheese before.
*Add some meat. Smoked ham is excellent. Roast beef is magnificent. Or a slice or two of salami. Anything goes - including nothing (the vegetarian option.) If vegetarian option is desired, more vegetables should be added. A few slices of tomato are especially recommended.
*Cut a slice or two from an onion. Separate individual rings, and arrange them on top of stack.
*Apply small amount of mustard to top slice, followed by slightly larger amount of ketchup. Add top slice to accumulation of ingredients on bottom slice. Condimented side should face down.
*Eat the resulting sandwich.
*Relish feeling of contentment and relief, and learn to accept yourself for who you are.
*Repeat as desired.
