Friendship Advice

[Kel-C]

I?m looking for answers regarding what my next course of action should be. I?m one in a group of 4 close friends (2 men, 2 women, strictly platonic). We are all currently heading into our senior year of college and we all go to separate colleges (so we only see each other on holidays and during the summer occasionally).

Over the course of the previous two semesters, things have changed.
I am the type of person who tries to maintain contact with the important people in my life. This usually consists of a text or phone call once a week just to keep in touch. I tend to avoid trying to contact them more than that due to the fact that we all have very busy lives.
However, I came to notice that I was always the one initiating the calls/texts. And if I didn?t, then I wouldn?t hear anything from them for a month or more. Additionally, I would often send texts and not get a response for days at a time. OR, they would talk to me on the phone for 15 minutes about themselves and then 5 minutes into me discussing my current events, they would have to go. There would be a promise to call me back later that day and a week would go by and I would be the one returning the call.

Finally, I became very angry with the situation and finally let them know why I was irritated with the way they were treating me. Their explanations consisted of being ?too busy? to stay in contact. (Which I find to be very rude because that seems to be implying that I am not busy). In addition, while they are claiming to be busy, they have time for social networking. It literally takes seconds to send a simple text. Just an acknowledgment of my text would be sufficient; I don?t expect anyone to drop everything to have a conversation.

So I told them how I felt and we had a discussion about it roughly two weeks ago. They were very apologetic and it seemed like we had started to move forward. Fast forward a week. Everyone?s schedule has drastically slowed down and we are trying to plan a trip. They are back to doing the same things they did before. I sent a group text so we could all plan our schedules for the trip that everyone seemed so intent on us taking. No one has yet to get back to me. This coming weekend is when we were supposed to do the trip. I have already made plans for myself since no one has responded.

My problem is this; I?m so angry. I have no idea what to say to any of them because I really just want to tell them to f*** off and then delete them from my life. I?m so hurt that my closest friends have no consideration for my time, plans, or effort. We always discuss plans so it?s not like I?m deciding on get-togethers without them, they are just simply not willing to worry about doing things ahead of time.

It is such a painful situation and the fact that this is the last summer we may have together is upsetting. We all will be graduating next May and going our separate ways and I feel as though I should keep trying because it?s our last bit of time together. But it is SO agonizing to keep caring and trying when it truly makes me feel like dirt that they can?t acknowledge me. I feel like I can?t talk to them about anything because I get a bullshit response. I don?t know what to do.

 

[Miyenne]

Some friends are like that. Let them know that you still want to be friends even if you don't talk often.

I'm that friend. I'm very anti-social and some of my friends I don't talk to for a month or more at a time. I just said up front I'm that type of person, and it doesn't mean I don't still love them. And if they make plans with someone else when I mentioned I wanted to do something a month ago, I understand.

My best friend totally understands, but we're clear on our relationship being adults and having been friends since high school. And my other friends are cool with it too, but we're all adults and they have kids and/or jobs and it's normal to not get together often as adults.

Just ask them, "Even if you ignore me for a month, we're still good, right?" And if yes, great! If not, decide if it's worth the effort.

A true friend is someone you haven't talked to in weeks who you know if you're in trouble and text, they'll throw themselves in their car in their pjs without showering and rush across the city for you.

 

[Lilani]

-snip-

Not everybody invests in friendships in friendships the way you do. In fact, I would say your method is quite unusual. I have many close friends, but we'll go a few weeks without communicating sometimes. We only really communicate when we have something to say, like to make plans or ask a question. But we make plans to meet if we haven't seen each other for a while ("a while" being 3-4 weeks) and there are places we regularly see each other and catch up. Personally, I would consider a weekly check-in "just because" to be a invasive, and honestly a bit annoying. It might just be because I'm a more introverted person, but even my extremely extroverted friends don't do anything like to me, or anyone else as far as I know. Hell I know people who are in college and don't call their own families that often.

So it seems you and your friends have clashing beliefs in what a friendship should consist of. This is all speculation, but given what you've said I imagine they are feeling your frequent check-ins are just too much. You can be friends without communicating every single week, in fact I would say I'm like that with most of my friends, and most of them are like that with me. A friendship shouldn't feel like a chore, and while you may not consider weekly check-ins a chore, they probably feel that way. So that right there is probably why they aren't initiating--because they don't feel they should have to. And with you doing it all the time, why should they?

My advice to you would be, chill out. I have never in my life heard of somebody who calls their friends as often as you do. Family maybe, but friends? You can be very close friends without this sort of a thing. And respecting each other's boundaries is just as important as communication in a friendship. In fact, in a way that is a form of communication. By respecting their boundaries and working with them on how often you should communicate, that shows that you are thinking about them rather than yourself. Because while you complain about them being selfish, I see a lot of selfishness in what you're doing. You're demanding at least 20 minutes of their time on a weekly basis, which to most people I know is a LOT of time to just be talking to one person on the phone. Their actions seem to be telling you they want more space, yet your reaction is resentment toward them. Rather than asking them what is the matter and working it out, you feel entitled to communicate with them completely on your terms.

So, yeah. Calm down. Talk to them about this, ask them truly and honestly if they are a bit annoyed at how much you call them, and be prepared for whatever answer they might give and how you might approach fixing the problem. I'm sure they don't have a problem with the idea of talking with you, but you need to understand not everybody is like you, and if they want to communicate not as often or in a different way then you should try to work with them to find that happy medium. Wanting to keep in touch doesn't make you a bad friend, but bothering your friends and not respecting their boundaries or communication styles doesn't exactly make you a good one, either. So don't take it as an insult if they don't want to talk to you every single week. Some people are just like that. And while some people are just like you as well, it's always more rude to ask someone to do something they don't want to do than it is to ask someone to not do something they want to do. Because asking you to go a few weeks without talking is a lot less of a burden than asking them to constantly stop their life to satisfy your need to talk.

 

[FieryTrainwreck]

This is gong to sound... mean.

Don't text them first anymore. Don't email them or call them either. Don't be the one to initiate contact. Think of it like tennis. If they contact you, "hit the ball back". And be friendly because these are your friends. But don't send consecutive texts or emails to any of them. Don't sit on the phone listening to their life stories when they never reciprocate. If they're making plans, by all means, participate if you feel like it. But don't wait around for them anymore - physically or emotionally. Direct your energy at those immediately surrounding you - the people who care enough to make you a priority and an on-going part of their lives.

People grow apart. It's an unavoidable fact of life. It sounds like these friends of yours are sort of embracing the growing chasm, which can be hurtful if you're still attached. But the thing to do in that situation isn't to grab on for dear life and push everyone away. Just let them go, and try to fill the void with new friends who give a shit. You deserve friends who want to spend time with you and care about how you feel. If these are no longer them, move on. Texting once a week hardly seems unforgivably overbearing...

 

[Foolery]

Yeah. Granted I don't contact people on a weekly basis. But I can relate to that. Some of my 'friends' have done the exact same things. Talking between themselves was never a problem, but when it came to me, I always had to be the one to initiate the conversation. What was my solution? I just don't bother anymore. The end result is that I haven't heard from any of them in over a year and a half. It's ok. Life's too short to be around people who don't give a damn. Move on. I'd take FieryTrainwreck's advice. Just be cool about it. Don't put anymore energy into a relationship that isn't really there. People come and go. Friends for a season and all that.