Friendship Security Advice

[LightningBanks]

Before I start my dilema appeal, Ill mention that I have anxiety problems, but one of the main reasons its still around is because alot of the things I suspect are true, so its almost like a sixth sense. The other one being that I dont hate my best friend, its more jelously and blaming myself. Anyway, moving on to the problem.

Me and my best friend have been friends since the start of Junior school, and weve just ended our first year of sixth form (For those who dont know due to living in other countries other than the UK, thats 10 years) and were very identical, we play similar games, like similar music (and he's the only other person I know that likes k rock and pop) we read manga, have a passion for music etc etc.

Now, the main difference between me and him comes from a social standpoint, were both try to be funny, but he makes a much bigger aspect, in all aspects of social standpoints. Now this is where the problem comes in. Were not tied by the hip, and we now go to different schools, so were obviously gonna make different friends, and we did. Now, on two occasions, one about a year and a half ago and one a few months ago, hes met and become friends with two very close friendship groups of mine, and its safe to say hes made a big impact.

Which doesent help me at all :/

My friends just like him alot better than me. With the first set of friends, two of my best friends which have been going out for 3 years this year, but borke up recently. we used to have social gatherings all the time, me and the boy used to talk to 5 in the morning every night(summer time this is) and it was great. Then my best friend became friends with them, and allthough it did take a while to fully form, they now treat him as a higher friend, always talking to him online, while I can barely get a word out of both. Theyve even gone as far as too have outings without me, and doing things like leaving the room if Im left alone with them. And Im pretty sure the girl and him are hiding something, through small things that my anxiety helps pick up, which is extra annyoing, because of past times Ive been there for her and other affections passed (long story). And they're both in the year below, which means they were in the same school as me this year iswell (I stayed at the same school)

The 2nd Group is just one girl, who ive had relational interests in, and although it didnt work out, were still close friends. And after the result of one party that was about 2 months back, she went from talking to me every night to barely talking to me at all, and even changing her actions etc when out with me, asif Im now boring. She also talks to a few friends of mine at the party almost every night (my best friend being the biggest one by far) and its even come up to the point where shes invited them to her 18th, over her long lasting friends (and by the convos that have happened it seems I got a 'pity invite') Even my friends she has talked to says its a bit wierd

Like I said at the top, its more envy than hate, but thanks to my anxiety, It just makes me feel shit and worthless. And as a trusted community in the past, I turn to you for advice.

I feel like just cut and running and finding new friends, but its probably not hte best idea, does anyone have any help/suggestions?

(Before any 'its just your anxiety' answers crop up, while I agree it contributes, the things above are fact, and people have said it in the past, no exceptions)

TL DR My Best friends steals my friends affection. and makes me feel bad, help? (actually, this is really bad, your probably gonna have to read the whole thing)

Thanks guys, Im really sorry if this sounds really stupid an stuff

 

[LightningBanks]

Double post

 

[Kasten]

Find new communities? It's a last resort but it sounds like you should at least know it's there. Don't jump into it, but disappearing from that group and relocating yourself socially might just let you find people who are willing to appreciate you more. Then again, I'm a fellow paranoid guy, so take my advice with that in mind.

 

[LightningBanks]

Find new communities? It's a last resort but it sounds like you should at least know it's there. Don't jump into it, but disappearing from that group and relocating yourself socially might just let you find people who are willing to appreciate you more. Then again, I'm a fellow paranoid guy, so take my advice with that in mind.

Yeah I know what you mean, in the past when friends have been less appreciative ive been too scared to relocate, mainly because I wasn't really popular during secondary school, and it felt like they knew they could treat me bad because I was all they had. Its always been worrying iswell because of how we all share similar interests, but I think being happy and feeling good about yourself in a group is alot better, and its not asif their the only people who are like me in terms of personality.

 

[Kasten]

Hope it helps.

 

[artanis_neravar]

snip

Talk to your friend about it, and if he brushes you off or doesn't seem to care then find a better friend

 

[Broady Brio]

I'm not one with many friends. Mainly because I have issues with Trust. Too many times it's been broke.

Other than joining a club of some sort, I can't give any sound advice.

 

[LightningBanks]

snip

Talk to your friend about it, and if he brushes you off or doesn't seem to care then find a better friend

It seems like a good idea. Its not like he's TRYING to do this or anything, he is just being himself, and out of them all I think he still appreciates me, but it might be a good idea to at least ask him about a few things, to calm my worries a tiny bit at the least

 

[artanis_neravar]

snip

Talk to your friend about it, and if he brushes you off or doesn't seem to care then find a better friend

It seems like a good idea. Its not like he's TRYING to do this or anything, he is just being himself, and out of them all I think he still appreciates me, but it might be a good idea to at least ask him about a few things, to calm my worries a tiny bit at the least

Glad I could help

 

[LightningBanks]

I'm not one with many friends. Mainly because I have issues with Trust. Too many times it's been broke.

Other than joining a club of some sort, I can't give any sound advice.

Yeah my trust gets broken quite alot, and I wouldve probably moved on by now, but its just that I find it hard to talk to new people, being shy and anxious all the time.

I may go back to football, but it seems a good idea to find a place to anchor before swinging to the otherside

 

[LightningBanks]

Double post ><

 

[Alexi089]

Oh god, I think I can feel another long winded essay brewing within me lol...well I'll try to give you the benefit of my high school experience:

I want to clarify a few things: 'because of past times Ive been there for her and other affections passed (long story).' In your fifth paragraph: Does this mean that you and your new friend's ex girlfriend basically admitted romantic feelings for each other/ kissed or something. If so, it could be that you new friend is jealous or think's you're trying to move in on his ex girl; and seeing as they still hang out, I'm guessing there's some hints of an off- and-on- again thing going betweent them?

I guess it makes the most sense to talk to your oldest friend and ask him (but tell him to keep it in confidence) if this first group of friends has said they're upset with you over anything, since they don't seem to want to talk so much now. I wouldn't recommend explicitly saying 'I think my friends like you better than me and are going to replace you with me', because a) he can't really know that anyway and b) if for any reason, he's in an unpleasant mood, he may even agree, just for the ego trip (hopefully he's better than that though). If he doesn't know of anything, you could ask them out right: 'Have I done something to upset you, because you keep leaving the room when leaves?'. If the issue is that he is jealous or worried about you and his ex getting together, they may not reply honestly to this one, but it's worth a shot. I can't really give any advice other than try to stay friendly with them for the opportunity of making more friends through them, if they continue to avoid spending time with you.

And this second girl basically invited new friends to her birthday, but didn't invite her old ones, yes? She may just be a bit of a flake; or the type that has insecurites who deals with them by snubbing others to make her self feel more important. If she's snubbing her old friends like this aswell, it obviously isn't you who's got the problem, it's her. If you asked her out recently, and she said no, she may be avoiding you for now because she's worried about you thinking she's changing her mind; or she's simply unsure how to deal with it. Try approaching her a few times to talk to her. If she makes excuses to go every time, try to talk to her privately and say 'I just want to clear the air here. I'm totally happy with us not being a couple and just being friends. I don't see any reason for things to be awkward'. If she's a true friend, this should at least improve things. If she's still avoiding you or snubbing you after this, it may be best to simply move on. Maintain the social connection, because it will extend your social circle, and help you make more new friends. Just don't go out of your way for her if she won't do the same for you. Be aquaintances with her in your mind, be civil and polite, but accept that she's more someone you know who might help introduce you to more people than a friend now. A friend who doesn't appreciate you isn't a friend worth having. She may be one of these silly high school girls who tests poeple to see how poorly she can treat them or how much she can get out of them, just to give herself some misguided sense of value. This will come back to bite her on the arse eventually, as more and more people get fed up with her.

Despite what you might believe, an overwhelming majority of people your age are socially anxious and insecure (so I doubt you're an exceptionally anxious member of your peer group). Many of these people will do stupid things like exclude old friends from gatherings, either to make them feel like they're in an exclusive club, or because they're afraid of being replaced as the 'best friend' of someone by someone else. If there are specific things you feel self concious about, try to confront them and sort a solution head on. It may be worth speaking to your parents or siblings (especially older), a teacher you trust or a school councellor if you have one. I understand it can be daunting, letting other peopl in on your feelings, but it may be worthwhile.

For instance, I (along with many other teens and uni students) was quite self concious about the fact I had quite bad acne. Eventually I started using retinoid gels (differin specifically), a salicylic acid lotion and I stopped eating refined sugar and drinking alcohol, after I discovered these drove my hormones up, making me break out. It's still not crystal clear (at 22, annoyingly), but it's much better, so if this is something you are self concious of, I'd try those things. I'd also suggest you go to you GP (find out which one specialises in dermatological issues) to seek more advice and figure out what might work for you.

On the subject of appearance and people feeling self concious; it's worth remembering that being good looking isn't an accomplishment. It will always be something that will be celebrated, and, yes, it's nice for people to feel good about their appearance, and there's nothing wrong with making an effor to look the way you want; but it isn't the be all and end all of your self worth. Take Vic Reeves. Granted he's not going to beat Jared Leto for a modelling add, but he's much wittier, more charming and likeable (I think). He also seems quite popular with women. This is because he's confident in his abilites as a comedian and his personality. He takes care to dress nice, sure, but he doesn't worry that his cheek bones don't rival Johnny Depp's. Prince and Angus Young are confident as fuck. They're both little over 5 ft. I could go on. People will always find fault with other's appearance (I've heard people slag off Kelly Brooke's looks; I expect the motivation behind this was just jealousy or insecurity on the part of the person making the comment), so seeking validation from others for that will ultimately leave you unhappy. What tends to really matter is maintaining the best hygiene you can, keeping your clothes clean and in good shape, and generally making an effort to be well groomed (hair cut and tidy, nails cut). Put this together with some confidence (if you don't have it, fake it til it becomes natural. seriously); and most people will probably be at least somewhat drawn to you. Also, remember that everyone makes stupid mistakes from time to time. I bet your confident best friends just laughs these off. I bet you can't even remember half his mistakes, cos you were too busy worrying about yours (just like everyone else lol). So if you do something stupid, laugh it off, or if needs be apologise if you've upset someone. But only if you honestly think they're being reasonable and you think you'd feel the same in their shoes. Don't be a doormat.

I think your priority now should be looking to develop more confidence and self assurance. In my opinion, confidence boils down to a belief that you can satisfactorily cope with and solve problems that commonly occur in your everyday life. Therefore, I think you should start doing things that give you a sense of accomplishment and make you believe in yourself and your abilities. Here's what helped me a lot: I started working out, and I got into a couple of martial arts (my recommendation though, is Judo, cos in my experience, everyone loses sooner or later to someone of a lower belt, so you tend to get less of the 'I'm a higher grade than you! bow before me!' bullshit that might crop up in other clubs where the higher grades basically carry authority over the lower ones. This is no good for you. You don't need some insecure sad bastard taking cheap shots at you just cos you'll get it in the kneck for telling him to fuck off cos 'he's a higher grade!'. Plus there's nothing like knowing you can actually throw someone who's really trying to stop you. Ultimately though, if you do choose a martial art to boost your confidence, you should just stick with the club you feel happiest at. There's no sense in joining a club you dread training at.

Now, I'm not suggesting you just bulk yourself up and start picking physical fights over every tiny little problem (and don't getting into street fights, people who start street fights NEVER fight fair! Just swallow your pride and walk away. They already have by being too scared to fight fair), but I expect at your age, confrontation with difficult people may often go like this:

You: "I disagree". Obnoxious Ponce (O.P.): "Oh yeah! well you're wrong!" You: "Sorry, but I still disagree" O.P.: "various family related insults... you wanna fight about it/ you want me to kick your arse!"

In such situations, even though I wouldn't condone you attacking the person; or encourage you to fight if you don't need too; it's good for you to know a few tricks if they do actually start a fight with you, so you know you'll stand chance; and you can confidently stand your ground and say: "Calm down. You're blowing this out of proportion, and I'm still not going to agree with you".

Granted, being good at fighting does not = 'you are the best man in the world', but it should help you overcome any fear of confrontation by providing you with the tools and techniques to stand up for yourself. Something like Judo will also help you keep cool under pressure when things are changing rapidly around you.

I hope you've enjoyed my umm.. article. Now go forth! Isolate what issues are causing you to feel anxiety and lack confidence; confront them, as best you can with the help of someone you trust if needs be; and start doing things that make you feel confident. Continue to try to make new friends (parties, parties, parties! people are so much more approachable at parties and when drunk; sports/ social clubs too); and see if you can't encourage your old friends to tell you why they've been a bit off with you lately. Remember, Sixth form is only more more year anyway, you can make new friends at clubs, in your classes (work with someone new in group work) and parties. And you will make more friends in uni/ work. (p.s. if you go to uni, make sure to get there as early on the first weekend as possible, and try to be as outgoing in freshers week as possible. This will make meeting people so much easier).

Good luck

 

[LightningBanks]

Snip

Thanks for that, that was brilliant I'd though Id clarify a few things though

With the first bit about the 'because of past times Ive been there for her and other affections passed (long story)' you were technically right, when they were on a break me and her kissed at a party and anoounced feelings for each other. Although nothing bloomed and they got back together, I felt like it helped us bond alot, and because of that shes been able to share everything with me. And the only bit that her bf got wind of is the kiss, but he had kissed people that night iswell (they were on a break after all) so no big deal was made.
But it seems like now shes going for my best friend that way, and whereas normally that wouldn't really phase me, its just that it helps prove that im being replaced, as she barely talks to me about anything these days, always going to him.

As for the girl I asked out, I asked her out a month and a half before the party, and we were talking again almost the next day, and it was all fine ntil the party. So I dont think its to do with me asking her out. (I wrote that as me asking me out at first )

And coincedently (I know thats not spelt right) I have done tae-kwon-do for 8 years. But I think thats only worsened the problem, because I started aged 9 and didnt really focus as I should off. I got through the grades, but now Im older and want to take it seriously, Ive realised I can barely stretch and do kicks properly etc. And I think it would be fine normally, but because Im a black belt, I feel p[ressured to do well, especially in things like sparring. Which I dont think helps >< Im thinkin of switching martial art and going from the start, but I do like our community in our club, Im not sure yet.

But thanks again for your paragraph, it was brilliant

 

[LightningBanks]

snip

Just to provide an update, although much hasnt happend in terms of me confronting them, due to me recovering form an operation, My beliefs about my best friend and one of my friends dating (The whole because of past times Ive been there for her and other affections passed thing) was true, and they are 'Casual'.

I found out because, while round my best friends, the computer didnt turn off when instructed due to a urgent message. As it stayed on, I passed it and out of the corner of my eye saw a naked picture of said girl, with various messages underneath proving it. One of the messages also said about how he didnt even consider me to be a 'best friend' anymore

I would also like to clarify that this was completely accidental, I know it sounds weird, but it was, and the messages were like msn lines, but I could tell excatly what was going on from those few lines.

Anyhow, I havent confronted them yet, but after feeling like crap for ages, Im thinking of just leaving the group. I feel like I have no place anymore, and it only seems fair that I try to focus on my own from now on.

 

[azraelthor]

snip

Just to provide an update, although much hasnt happend in terms of me confronting them, due to me recovering form an operation, My beliefs about my best friend and one of my friends dating (The whole because of past times Ive been there for her and other affections passed thing) was true, and they are 'Casual'.

I found out because, while round my best friends, the computer didnt turn off when instructed due to a urgent message. As it stayed on, I passed it and out of the corner of my eye saw a naked picture of said girl, with various messages underneath proving it. One of the messages also said about how he didnt even consider me to be a 'best friend' anymore

I would also like to clarify that this was completely accidental, I know it sounds weird, but it was, and the messages were like msn lines, but I could tell excatly what was going on from those few lines.

Anyhow, I havent confronted them yet, but after feeling like crap for ages, Im thinking of just leaving the group. I feel like I have no place anymore, and it only seems fair that I try to focus on my own from now on.

Wow dude, that sucks just dump them. If they are going to treat you this way then they are not friends that you need. Find people who actually care about you and not someone who just acts like a friend.

 

[Dr. Pepper Unlimited]

Anyhow, I havent confronted them yet, but after feeling like crap for ages, Im thinking of just leaving the group. I feel like I have no place anymore, and it only seems fair that I try to focus on my own from now on.

If your friend outright says that he "doesn't see you as a friend anymore", then it's time to move on and find new friends. Sadly, this might not be the course of action you wanted, but it seems in your best interest. I'm sorry it turned out that way. I wish you the best of luck.