Before I start this story, I want to tell you a little bit about it. First of all, this is not originally written by me. I am only translating it to English so people from all around the globe can enjoy it. This is an article by Nnirvi and I am doing this out of respect. He is my favorite video game journalist. It first appeared in the 6th issue of this year in Pelit-Magazine. All of the copyrights belong to him. I have changed the names of everybody to either make it look and feel more global, not so Finnish, or more personal to me. I will split this to 2 parts, it's so long. Translating it on one go would be too time-consuming for me. Without further ado:
La Divina Scrrittura:
INFERNO
Taking my trash outside, a wolf killed me.
With wonder in my eyes I watched my hot body, when beside me I heard the cling of an elevator and a voice said: "Hello! I am the poet Gamelius, your guide on the journey to your final resting place!". I had a bad feeling about this, especially when the elevator started playing "The Most Played" by all of the teen pop-stars of the late 2000's and the elevator started going down. At the -666th floor the doors slowly opened and before my eyes lied Hell itself. It resembled a normal North-Korean suburb, but was quite not that depressing. I stepped through a gate and passed a sign that said "If it's in the Inferno, it's in the gaaaaame!". Gamelius sighed and mumbled: "Damn that Dante-license, the old one was better".
First Circle: Limbo
"Here roam everyone that didn't accept video games as the savior of their pass-time.", Gamelius informed. "They have to watch American Sit-Coms or read books about single mothers falling in love with alcoholics and/or rockers, or about middle-aged men having a hard time." "That's pretty terrifying, but I don't think it's my fate", I said and so we continued our way downwards.
Second Circle: Lust
In the second circle lie the slaves of lust. They lust for that game that is only coming. Excited as crap they sit in a circle over the rotting corpse of the video game industry watching that supergames teaser over and over again speculating about the game mechanics from that one-minute clip. Every hundred years that game comes out and it SUCKS! And then a new teaser comes out. "These guys are the favorites of Lucifer. He calls them "Damn Morons!""
Third Circle: Glutton
In the third circle lie the gluttonous gamers, that just play games and do nothing else. For every one of them are created "That One Game" that has everything they have ever wanted out of a video game. Then they are given a job, wife, kids and a dog, that demand, whine and ***** eating up all the time they had for playing games. Once a year they get a brief moment to play that game to remind them of their loss. "HEY!" I said when I saw a face I recognized. "How did you get to paradise?" asked a surprised Chupacabrawolf and continued: "Wait a sec, I'll feed the kids and talk about my relationship with my wife, then let's try to play some Terraria!" "Let's leave, I can't take it!" I said to my guide tearing up.
Fourth Circle: Cheap-asses and Massive Spenders
In the fourth circle lie the cheap-asses. The store-keepers that refuse buying games from the companies and the gamers who think the new games are too expensive. They spend the eternity selling each other the same over-priced floppy-discs over and over again. The store Keepers drool over the massive spenders behind the big fire wall, who even on Christmas buy video games, even though his kids need shoes and wife medicine. Now they get what they deserve. Games are extremely cheap, but when they get their credit card ready, they get nothing but air. Names on the screen, bytes on the servers, nothing to hug, stack or love! Because the games are simply just... STEAM! "Was this really thought throughly?" I asked confused.
Rest of the Circles coming in Part 2! Be on a lookout.
La Divina Scrrittura:
INFERNO
Taking my trash outside, a wolf killed me.
With wonder in my eyes I watched my hot body, when beside me I heard the cling of an elevator and a voice said: "Hello! I am the poet Gamelius, your guide on the journey to your final resting place!". I had a bad feeling about this, especially when the elevator started playing "The Most Played" by all of the teen pop-stars of the late 2000's and the elevator started going down. At the -666th floor the doors slowly opened and before my eyes lied Hell itself. It resembled a normal North-Korean suburb, but was quite not that depressing. I stepped through a gate and passed a sign that said "If it's in the Inferno, it's in the gaaaaame!". Gamelius sighed and mumbled: "Damn that Dante-license, the old one was better".
First Circle: Limbo
"Here roam everyone that didn't accept video games as the savior of their pass-time.", Gamelius informed. "They have to watch American Sit-Coms or read books about single mothers falling in love with alcoholics and/or rockers, or about middle-aged men having a hard time." "That's pretty terrifying, but I don't think it's my fate", I said and so we continued our way downwards.
Second Circle: Lust
In the second circle lie the slaves of lust. They lust for that game that is only coming. Excited as crap they sit in a circle over the rotting corpse of the video game industry watching that supergames teaser over and over again speculating about the game mechanics from that one-minute clip. Every hundred years that game comes out and it SUCKS! And then a new teaser comes out. "These guys are the favorites of Lucifer. He calls them "Damn Morons!""
Third Circle: Glutton
In the third circle lie the gluttonous gamers, that just play games and do nothing else. For every one of them are created "That One Game" that has everything they have ever wanted out of a video game. Then they are given a job, wife, kids and a dog, that demand, whine and ***** eating up all the time they had for playing games. Once a year they get a brief moment to play that game to remind them of their loss. "HEY!" I said when I saw a face I recognized. "How did you get to paradise?" asked a surprised Chupacabrawolf and continued: "Wait a sec, I'll feed the kids and talk about my relationship with my wife, then let's try to play some Terraria!" "Let's leave, I can't take it!" I said to my guide tearing up.
Fourth Circle: Cheap-asses and Massive Spenders
In the fourth circle lie the cheap-asses. The store-keepers that refuse buying games from the companies and the gamers who think the new games are too expensive. They spend the eternity selling each other the same over-priced floppy-discs over and over again. The store Keepers drool over the massive spenders behind the big fire wall, who even on Christmas buy video games, even though his kids need shoes and wife medicine. Now they get what they deserve. Games are extremely cheap, but when they get their credit card ready, they get nothing but air. Names on the screen, bytes on the servers, nothing to hug, stack or love! Because the games are simply just... STEAM! "Was this really thought throughly?" I asked confused.
Rest of the Circles coming in Part 2! Be on a lookout.
