Some common gaming maladies and their cures
By Dr. Doitpow MD
Fanboyism
Symptoms: One of the more common maladies, afflicting usually younger gamers, and well known. The gamer displays illogical love of a particular console, developer or franchise. Subject cannot be reasoned with, will bleat statistics and whine when confronted with any evidence that their obsession is anything less than the glorious messiah of the industry.
Cure: Repeated slamming of head in fridge door
Japanophobia
Symptoms: Fear and hatred of any game or concept originating from the east. Will not play JRPG's. Clings to FPG's.
Cure: Daily playing of earthbound,No more heroes and kingdom hearts. Subject will be lulled in by familiar american elements, and them after about two weeks the subliminal Japaneseness will enter their brain, overriding their desire to be either a power armoured space marine or endlessly refight WW2. Subject will have spiky hair and be cosplaying in no time
Japanophillia
Symptoms: Reverse of the phobia, Subject will not play any game without androgynous main character, spiky hair and turn based combat. May enjoy dating sims in extreme cases
Cure: Zero Punctuation
Retroism
Symptoms: Refusal to accept changes to gaming, including 3d graphics, online multiplayer or complex controls. Overuse of the phrase 'Golden Age'
Cure: Super Mario Bros Wii daily, then Super Paper mario, leading into Galaxy, then the world is their oyster. Regularly force the subject to actually play rather than talk about games like Zelda 2 or Altered Beast and then they will slowly realize how changes can actually be good.
Angry online child syndrome
Symptoms: Racism, overuse of swearing, high pitched squeal and addiction to ritalin.
Cure: Cause is often deep rooted neglect issues. long term psychotherapy. Or, find where the child lives and inform his parents that he is playing a violent video game, which are the cause of most of society's ills. Inform the parents that such games were the cause of the columbine and Virginia tech massacres, high college dropout rates, disrespect for the elderly, communism and 9/11. It's for his own good to take the child's game away.
Realism...er...ism
Symptoms: Subject plays only FPS's set in real wars and/or featuring real weapons. Subject is convinced that playing this game has made him
A. An expert on said weapons or war
B. A real trained soldier
C. More adult
Cure: Take subject to real warzone (recommend Gaza or Somalia) hand them their favorite weapon from World at War and leave for a week. After a week take them home, present them with a Wii and a copy of Mario Kart, pat them on the back (gently) and tell them to have fun.
Madden playing
Symptoms: plays madden
Cure: no known cure, suffering can be eased by suffocation.
By Dr. Doitpow MD
Fanboyism
Symptoms: One of the more common maladies, afflicting usually younger gamers, and well known. The gamer displays illogical love of a particular console, developer or franchise. Subject cannot be reasoned with, will bleat statistics and whine when confronted with any evidence that their obsession is anything less than the glorious messiah of the industry.
Cure: Repeated slamming of head in fridge door
Japanophobia
Symptoms: Fear and hatred of any game or concept originating from the east. Will not play JRPG's. Clings to FPG's.
Cure: Daily playing of earthbound,No more heroes and kingdom hearts. Subject will be lulled in by familiar american elements, and them after about two weeks the subliminal Japaneseness will enter their brain, overriding their desire to be either a power armoured space marine or endlessly refight WW2. Subject will have spiky hair and be cosplaying in no time
Japanophillia
Symptoms: Reverse of the phobia, Subject will not play any game without androgynous main character, spiky hair and turn based combat. May enjoy dating sims in extreme cases
Cure: Zero Punctuation
Retroism
Symptoms: Refusal to accept changes to gaming, including 3d graphics, online multiplayer or complex controls. Overuse of the phrase 'Golden Age'
Cure: Super Mario Bros Wii daily, then Super Paper mario, leading into Galaxy, then the world is their oyster. Regularly force the subject to actually play rather than talk about games like Zelda 2 or Altered Beast and then they will slowly realize how changes can actually be good.
Angry online child syndrome
Symptoms: Racism, overuse of swearing, high pitched squeal and addiction to ritalin.
Cure: Cause is often deep rooted neglect issues. long term psychotherapy. Or, find where the child lives and inform his parents that he is playing a violent video game, which are the cause of most of society's ills. Inform the parents that such games were the cause of the columbine and Virginia tech massacres, high college dropout rates, disrespect for the elderly, communism and 9/11. It's for his own good to take the child's game away.
Realism...er...ism
Symptoms: Subject plays only FPS's set in real wars and/or featuring real weapons. Subject is convinced that playing this game has made him
A. An expert on said weapons or war
B. A real trained soldier
C. More adult
Cure: Take subject to real warzone (recommend Gaza or Somalia) hand them their favorite weapon from World at War and leave for a week. After a week take them home, present them with a Wii and a copy of Mario Kart, pat them on the back (gently) and tell them to have fun.
Madden playing
Symptoms: plays madden
Cure: no known cure, suffering can be eased by suffocation.
ratio. Regards games as a medium for showing his dominance. Little regard for fun. Cure is to tie them up and watch their character killed by a little sister or grandparent.