Girl troubles etc.

[Calibanbutcher]

Hi there, and welcome to my thread, in which I am going to completely set aside my forum persona and instead ask for actual advice about a certain situation.

What this is all about: Interpersonal communication to some degree:

A while ago, I asked a girl, let's call her XX (biology jokes HURRAY) out for coffee ( we are both of legal age, no problems there, we do not live with our parents etc...) and was very much dismayed when I found out that she had a boyfriend.
But I managed to move on, mingle with other girls for a bit, a slight crush on one girl, a slightly bigger crush on another girl, etc pp.
Then the exams came around and dating was probably the least of my worries, seeing as I managed to go days without setting a foot outside, instead spending all of it learning. After that, I departed into my spring vacation for a month and then some, bla bla.
Now it get's interesting, though.
I came back a week before my next semester was about to start, in order to get some partying in etc and one specific evening is where it gets interesting:
I was at a local store, waiting for a group of friends to swing by to buy "stuff" for the evening, when lo and behold, XX comes out of the store, obviously carrying stuff for a party of her very own. She saw me standing there, apparently recognized me, came over, I managed some small-talk and the end of it was that she invited me to her party
Slave to emotions that I am, I decided to accept this invitation, had a beer with the fellas and then left them and went to her party.
It was a good party, nice people all around, we stayed at her place for a while, talked a bit, I learned that SHE DIDN'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND ANYMORE, we danced through the night and I walked home exhausted but happy, carrying her cellphone-number with me.

3 days later, I text her that I still would very much like to get a coffee with her.
Her response was puzzling to say the least, which is why I decided to ask you guys for advice.
The message was incredibly well-written, probably the most beautiful text I have ever received in terms of writing etc, but it pretty much boiled down to:
"I have a heavy heart and my head full with things at the moment, but as soon as summer reaches me, we could meet up for a coffee".

Now, I know that she just went through a break-up, which apparently took a toll on her, but is this an incredibly gentle NO, a MAYBE, a LATER, or, as one of my friends speculated, a "Hm, maybe keep that guy on the hook for later".
Bear in mind, this was a week ago and since then neither have I texted her again, nor has she contacted me again, causing me to come to terms with the fact that she probably wont contact me again.

But am I correct in making that assumption or do you think that this is a "I'll get back to you as soon as I have my life in order again", rather than a gentle "no"?

 

[funkyjiveturkey]

my girlfriend and i were friends for years before we started dating. she had me on hold for when her life was on order and so far things have worked out amazingly. it doesn't look like a solid thing but don't lose hope, and try to maintain some simple small-talk here and there.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

Sounds like a giant "Maybe Later". She has a lot on her plate and needs to sort things out for herself. If she just went through a bad break up, it makes sense that she doesn't want to jump into another relationship right away. I wouldn't suggest waiting around for her though if you happen to find another girl you're interested in, but you should try to keep in contact with her at least.

 

[Rip Van Rabbit]

Now, unfortunately, I can only assume from the myriad of possibilities towards her intent, that your mind is in a current state of confusion. This leads me to my next question?

Do you absolutely have to be around her with the intent to one day create a relationship? Or can you set aside your feelings and just be friends with her?

If it's the latter, I would propose that you offer to extend your hand in some manner, to be there for her. (Bear in mind, I'm not suggesting any ulterior motives here) This way, you are able to gain a friend (A friend I feel, is more valuable than a potential girlfriend) and simultaneously get to know her better.

^ That comes with the risk of not being able to control your feelings. So if that's the case, I would advise against it.

[hr]

If friendship is not an avenue you wish to explore, then I would give her a break during these times. What she's saying is a largely "Perhaps at another time. Right now, I am not in any emotional state at the moment to entertain a coffee date." (I used the term "date" broadly there.) You can keep the occasional communication up, letting her know that you are still around and retaining the small-talk.

^ I wouldn't bank on waiting around to see if it turns into something more than it is. Her description is vague and there's no way of knowing if her intent is even remotely romantically inclined, especially after a breakup.

[hr]

All in all, this is not a reflection on you. I'm sure you're perfectly wonderful and that she'll be extraordinarily lucky to have someone like you in her life. Unfortunately, the timing could not be any worse and it's best if you keep things friendly.

I'm a gooey romantic at heart, but you have to respect her time to process and deal with her break-up first and foremost. Whether you're directly there to support her or keeping up communication every now and then. I would advise against pursuing her while in her current emotional state or torturing yourself while waiting around for too long.

 

[Calibanbutcher]

Now, unfortunately, I can only assume from the myriad of possibilities towards her intent, that your mind is in a current state of confusion. This leads me to my next question?

Do you absolutely have to be around her with the intent to one day create a relationship? Or can you set aside your feelings and just be friends with her?

If it's the latter, I would propose that you offer to extend your hand in some manner, to be there for her. (Bear in mind, I'm not suggesting any ulterior motives here) This way, you are able to gain a friend (A friend I feel, is more valuable than a potential girlfriend) and simultaneously get to know her better.

^ That comes with the risk of not being able to control your feelings. So if that's the case, I would advise against it.

[hr]

If friendship is not an avenue you wish to explore, then I would give her a break during these times. What she's saying is a largely "Perhaps at another time. Right now, I am not in any emotional state at the moment to entertain a coffee date." (I used the term "date" broadly there.) You can keep the occasional communication up, letting her know that you are still around and retaining the small-talk.

^ I wouldn't bank on waiting around to see if it turns into something more than it is. Her description is vague and there's no way of knowing if her intent is even remotely romantically inclined, especially after a breakup.

[hr]

All in all, this is not a reflection on you. I'm sure you're perfectly wonderful and that she'll be extraordinarily lucky to have someone like you in her life. Unfortunately, the timing could not be any worse and it's best if you keep things friendly.

I'm a gooey romantic at heart, but you have to respect her time to process and deal with her break-up first and foremost. Whether you're directly there to support her or keeping up communication every now and then. I would advise against pursuing her while in her current emotional state or torturing yourself while waiting around for too long.

1.
I really don't think that I could conceivably just be friends with her, ignoring my feelings.
That would just cause me to get hurt and I would much rather avoid that, even if it means that I won't be gaining a new friend, plus it might seem a tad off, seing as we really aren't friends nor anything more than acquaintances at the moment, excepct for me having asked her out a few times already.

2. I had no intention of pressuring her and I probably won't text her again in the foreseeable future, but should I happen upon her in the street, I will make perfectly agreeable small-talk and then leave her to her own demise.
If she has romantic intentions, I do very much hope that she will contact me again, if she does not, well, bother.

3. I won't specifically wait for her and should I happen upon someone amazing, I will start dating again.

4. Oh I am pretty much perfect, the best human being you could ever wish for, if someone looks up perfection in an encyclopedia they will find but my name an image. Yeah, I seem to have a knack for terrible, terrible timing.

5. I do not intend to pressure nor pursue her at the moment. I have approached her twice now, and if she truly is
interested in me, she will hopefully contact me, but as far as I am concerned, the ball is in her court now.

 

[Rip Van Rabbit]

Snipped for being rational!

It may not be an ideal situation (bad timing and all), but I'd say that you have the right approach and mentality towards the entire situation.

You already set your own boundaries, you know how far you're willing to go, you're not indulging in self-delusions and you know yourself pretty damn well.

My apologies though! :C I wish I had miracle advice that would simply "make it work", but I tend to take all factors into account on the other persons end and play things safe.

While I wish this could take a directly positive turn towards you, since I wish all the best for you, it's good to hear that you're keeping a cool head and rational outlook on all this.

 

[sarkeizen]

But am I correct in making that assumption or do you think that this is a "I'll get back to you as soon as I have my life in order again", rather than a gentle "no"?

The fact of the matter is that she might not even know the answer to that question. My advice is to use a backoff algorithm. Let it go for a month and if you don't hear from her call her. Ask her to coffee the following week on a specific date. This puts you just before the beginning of summer. If she says no, then let it go. If she gives a specific date in response e.g. "Can you do Thursday?" then accept if she simply says "another time". Try again in August - again ask her to coffee, again use a specific date. If she says anything but "yes" then let it go.

 

[Calibanbutcher]

But am I correct in making that assumption or do you think that this is a "I'll get back to you as soon as I have my life in order again", rather than a gentle "no"?

The fact of the matter is that she might not even know the answer to that question. My advice is to use a backoff algorithm. Let it go for a month and if you don't hear from her call her. Ask her to coffee the following week on a specific date. This puts you just before the beginning of summer. If she says no, then let it go. If she gives a specific date in response e.g. "Can you do Thursday?" then accept if she simply says "another time". Try again in August - again ask her to coffee, again use a specific date. If she says anything but "yes" then let it go.

Now this was very helpful as well, thank you.

 

[Calibanbutcher]

Snipped for being rational!

It may not be an ideal situation (bad timing and all), but I'd say that you have the right approach and mentality towards the entire situation.

You already set your own boundaries, you know how far you're willing to go, you're not indulging in self-delusions and you know yourself pretty damn well.

My apologies though! :C I wish I had miracle advice that would simply "make it work", but I tend to take all factors into account on the other persons end and play things safe.

While I wish this could take a directly positive turn towards you, since I wish all the best for you, it's good to hear that you're keeping a cool head and rational outlook on all this.

By the way, I think I forgot to thank you for your advice beforehand, so thank you. I mean it.

And thanks for the flowers, it's always nice to be complimented.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

It sounds too flowery and ornate a text for my taste. Anybody who is less than direct to you when you're more than direct to them isn't worth your time if you ask me. Obviously there's a MAYBE in there but so what, the world's full of maybes. If she's not ready to be with you fuck it, nothing you can do about it. If you respect this girl go on minding your business, don't stay around waiting for her. You made your moves, played your cards. Well done, move on. I'm sure she's not the only girl you fancy.

 

[Calibanbutcher]

It sounds too flowery and ornate a text for my taste. Anybody who is less than direct to you when you're more than direct to them isn't worth your time if you ask me. Obviously there's a MAYBE in there but so what, the world's full of maybes. If she's not ready to be with you fuck it, nothing you can do about it. If you respect this girl go on minding your business, don't stay around waiting for her. You made your moves, played your cards. Well done, move on. I'm sure she's not the only girl you fancy.

1. Thank you for the reply.

2. Don't worry, I do not intend to bother her any furthe, I might do what sarkeizen suggested with his back up algorithm,
but I am not sure if I want to do that.

3. The other girl that I fancied has just gotten back together with an ex-boyfriend of hers.

 

[Calibanbutcher]

my girlfriend and i were friends for years before we started dating. she had me on hold for when her life was on order and so far things have worked out amazingly. it doesn't look like a solid thing but don't lose hope, and try to maintain some simple small-talk here and there.

Sounds like a giant "Maybe Later". She has a lot on her plate and needs to sort things out for herself. If she just went through a bad break up, it makes sense that she doesn't want to jump into another relationship right away. I wouldn't suggest waiting around for her though if you happen to find another girl you're interested in, but you should try to keep in contact with her at least.

This is just to thank you for taking the time out of your day and answer to my inquiry.
You are awesome people and I greatly appreciate your input, I just forget to thank you before.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

snip

Whatever you choose to do, I hope everything goes well for you.

 

[Calibanbutcher]

snip.

Thanks again for the support, btw, didn't I read somewhere that your avatar is a creation of yours truly? If so, stellar work.

snip

First of: Thanks for the algorithm.
Second: I really like your avatar, who is that?

snip

Since you said something about being a romantic at heart, I do believe that a quote I just read could serve to brighten your day, or at least make you think for a bit.

"The idea, you know, is that the sentimental person thinks that things will last - the romantic person has a desperate confidence that they won't, but hopes against hope that they will."

snip

Snip

Seeing as all of you offerd me advice, I figured that maybe you would be interested in being updated.

I went with the proposed back-up algorithm and called her yesterday, which resulted in...

Precisely nothing, since she wasn't at home and thusly could not answer her phone.


Being the desperate fool rational human being that I am, I decided to call her again today, which lead to nothing, again, since she did not pick up.

So I resolved to try again another time and went so spend some time with a good friend of mine. We talked for a while and had lunch together and afterwards decided to go for a leisurely stroll in the park. However, before doing so, I had to get back to my place first and go get some things, including my cell-phone.
Lo and behold, she had called me back.
And this time I had missed it...

Tension rising yet?

After this setback, I decided to call her once more, hoping against hope, to catch her this time.

She picked up, yada yada bla:

We're having coffee / ice-cream on tuesday.


So wish me luck all of you, I think I could do with some.
Or even a lot.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

We're having coffee / ice-cream on tuesday.


So wish me luck all of you, I think I could do with some.
Or even a lot.

Thank you, and good luck!

 

[Rip Van Rabbit]

<------ Hey, even my avatar is giving you a celebratory/good luck dance!

Since you said something about being a romantic at heart, I do believe that a quote I just read could serve to brighten your day, or at least make you think for a bit.

"The idea, you know, is that the sentimental person thinks that things will last - the romantic person has a desperate confidence that they won't, but hopes against hope that they will."

Thank you very much for that! I've never come across that quote before and I find it quite inspiring -

Hey, wait a minute - ! This is your thread on the advice forum, we're meant to help you. Not the other way around. OP is all that matters, gosh darn it!

[small][sub]Suppose it works both ways...but thank you again. [/sub][/small]

[hr]

She picked up, yada yada bla:

We're having coffee / ice-cream on tuesday.


So wish me luck all of you, I think I could do with some.
Or even a lot.

I'm glad some positive progress was made.
Thumbs shall be held! Best of luck!

*Read the first line of this post again, for added effect.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

snip.

Thanks again for the support, btw, didn't I read somewhere that your avatar is a creation of yours truly? If so, stellar work.

snip

First of: Thanks for the algorithm.
Second: I really like your avatar, who is that?

snip

Since you said something about being a romantic at heart, I do believe that a quote I just read could serve to brighten your day, or at least make you think for a bit.

"The idea, you know, is that the sentimental person thinks that things will last - the romantic person has a desperate confidence that they won't, but hopes against hope that they will."

snip

Snip

Seeing as all of you offerd me advice, I figured that maybe you would be interested in being updated.

I went with the proposed back-up algorithm and called her yesterday, which resulted in...

Precisely nothing, since she wasn't at home and thusly could not answer her phone.


Being the desperate fool rational human being that I am, I decided to call her again today, which lead to nothing, again, since she did not pick up.

So I resolved to try again another time and went so spend some time with a good friend of mine. We talked for a while and had lunch together and afterwards decided to go for a leisurely stroll in the park. However, before doing so, I had to get back to my place first and go get some things, including my cell-phone.
Lo and behold, she had called me back.
And this time I had missed it...

Tension rising yet?

After this setback, I decided to call her once more, hoping against hope, to catch her this time.

She picked up, yada yada bla:

We're having coffee / ice-cream on tuesday.


So wish me luck all of you, I think I could do with some.
Or even a lot.

Wish you the best of luck, hope it turns out well Whatever happens just enjoy the hell out of the date.