Girlfriend Problems

[Apollo45]

I know girlfriend problems are relatively common topics here, but I think I'm going insane. It's kind of a long story, so hang in there for this and I'll get to the question at the end.

Two weeks ago my girlfriend was admitted to the hospital with a blood clot in her lung. It's relatively serious, although these days it's completely curable, and the first couple days she was doing fine. She was released a couple days after she was admitted, we got home, ate dinner, and then she was back to feeling the same pain that she had gone in for in the first place. We rushed back, she was re-admitted, and she stayed for the rest of the week. After the second admission I stayed with her the whole time, except for a couple hours during the day when her parents were there to shit and shave. I just graduated college and am currently jobless, so that didn't present any real problems for me, and I guess I helped her a ton getting through everything. At this point all is well, and about a week ago she was released.

The first couple days after she was released I stayed with her at her parent's, just making sure she was ok and all. Once we were sure I started sleeping in my own bed again - which was nice, to be sure - and I just spend the days there. Then, about three days ago, she suddenly starts acting distant. When I ask if she wants me there that day she says "I don't know", or "maybe" (I asked a few times, since it was so weird). She had a fantasy football draft for the league I'm not in that night, and she said I should just eat dinner at my parent's since she both wasn't feeling up to going and apparently didn't want me to be over there and sit through the draft. Afterwards I ask if she wants me over and she says no, she wants to sleep. So that's fine and all, but yesterday rolls around and it's more of the same. I ask if she wants to do something for lunch, she says maybe. Lunchtime rolls by and she says "I don't know" a couple more times before I switch to dinner, where she continues with more of the same. We end up not doing anything because the one time I say I'm gonna head over she ends up saying she's running errands with her mom.

So this morning I try more of the same, but a bit more specific. I ask if she wants me to pick up some pizza and bring it over for lunch, something she normally likes. More I don't knows. I end up saying I'll head over at 1 with the pizza, at which point she's suddenly running errands again. I ask her to let me know when she gets back, and then proceed to wait. And wait. And wait. I ended up shooting her a text at 9:00 asking if everything was alright. She says "ya", and then we get some more of the same until I ask her very specifically what was wrong (in longer fashion than that). All of a sudden she starts telling me how I'm never around, and how I've abandoned her when she needs me most, and so on.

Here's where I need the advice:I don't feel like I've done anything wrong, and in fact have spent most of my days making sure she's ok and trying to spend time with her. At a couple points from her responses I figured she might need space (which I felt like was reasonable, given her responses) and tried to give her that, especially today. But apparently that was the wrong thing to do. Currently I'm still being accused of abandoning her.

Am I insane? Or did I miss something? Or what? I really have no clue how to react to this at the moment. I'm starting to get pissed off more than confused, and I don't want to explode on her if I can help it, but it's definitely reaching that point for me. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Anything that you've experienced before?

Sorry for the wall of text, I just wanted to be a specific as possible to see if someone else catches something I've missed.

 

[phylline]

That does sound really odd of her and incredibly frustrating for you. How long have you been dating, and is it one of those relationships where you can confront problems by talking about them and being honest?

I find when someone is pissed off, it's a purely emotional response (rational or not), it doesn't really matter who's technically right and who's technically wrong, and going on the defensive ("you have no right to be pissed off at me because X") just makes it so much worse, because they're not looking for a defence. Try to instead see it as just her emotions, if that makes any sense.

Although it sounds really clichéd, if this is still a problem with you two it'd probably help if you could talk about it straight (although if she's still doing the "I don't know" thing that could be hard...). If you do though, it'd probably be best to employ the usual conflict-reducing/"effective listening" tactics with language.

Good luck. :3

 

[gazumped]

Oh, hey, I just had blood clots on my lungs too, there must be something in the air.
(That's not how it works, by the way, before anyone starts freaking out about a blood clot toxins conspiracy.)

The only insight I can give into this is that she's recovering from a serious thing and is likely to be very tired while her body heals itself. Her apathy may have simply been due to wanting to sleep all the time, but because it made you think she didn't really want you around and made you hang back, she's going "wha? Where's my boyfriend gone? :/"

Simple solution: tell her you were simply getting the impression that she wanted you out of her hair while she was recovering, and that you'd very much like to be by her side if that's alright by her, thank you very much. (In other words, the truth!)

 

[Batou667]

Hi OP.

Mixed signals a-go-go, huh.

This is probably horribly sexist of me, but sometimes girls don't say what they mean or mean what they say (a bit like us fellas) and if she's feeling unwell then that probably makes matters even worse.

It sounds like you're asking her lots of questions and asking her permission a lot of the time - and if she's under the weather probably the last thing she wants to do is give long, thought-out and eloquently expressed answers. Maybe try a change of tack - from now onm try to propose rather than ask ("I'm coming around in an hour to see how you're doing, ok? I'm bringing some DVDs" rather than "So, would you like to meet today? And if so, what time? And if so, what would you like to do?"). She might appreciate you taking the initiative.

Also, don't forget the power of little gestures. Maybe buy her some flowers, or a small gift, or write her a card or letter. So, if you turn up and she really doesn't feel up to spending time together (understandable - some girls hate the idea of being seen in a vulnerable state, messed up hair, no makeup, etc) then at least she'll have a smal reminder that you're thinking of her.

Just do your best, dude. Relationships are tricky things. All you can really do is give it your best shot, stay positive, and remember that you only regret the things you didn't do.

 

[manic_depressive13]

Wow, that's really mean of her. From what you've told us it doesn't seem like you did anything wrong. If she was mad about something you did, she should have explained it at the start instead of leading you on for days with bad excuses and "I don't know"s. I would suggest just giving her a call and trying to persuade her to talk it out with you. Going to her house unannounced is always an option, but I think that might come across as a bit aggressive since she's obviously trying to avoid you.

Anyway, she seems terribly passive-aggressive. It would help to know how long you two have been together and if she has ever acted like this before. This may well be a sign that the relationship is over.

 

[Simalacrum]

Hmmm?

It could just be stress, I'd imagine having a blood clot and staying in hospital for long periods of time is a pretty exhausting experience. Could even be she's had some shitty days as of late. Despite the detail you've gone into its kind of hard to tell from an outsider's perspective? you know her about a bazillion times more than we do, after all.

If you have close friends that are also well acquainted with your gf, perhaps you could consult them? Sometimes girls tell one another things that they would never tell even their closest male friends/boyfriends/husbands, after all (apparently, at least, thats what any girl I know well tells me at least XD).

 

[WolfThomas]

An important thing is that it is okay to tell her when your frustrated or annoyed by this confusion, obviously not exploding or yelling. But I find there's times with my girlfriend where I have to stop and say "No, that's crap"

 

[Galletea]

Remember that she has been through a lot recently. It might just be that she is still exhausted, both physically and emotionally.

Another thing is that if you've been there for her constantly, she might be feeling a bit smothered. Feeling that she might be a burden on you could be making her feel resentful.

If you've been together for a while then I would suggest you ask her parents if she is ok, this might give you an idea of whether it is just towards you. If it turns out that it is just you she is being off-hand with, then you should confront her. Make it clear how it looks from your end, and ask her to be straight with you.