Girlfriend Trapt in Abusive Household

[qazmatoz]

As we speak my girlfriend is having a panic attack caused by her abusive mother. Mental, physical, emotional, her family covers all the bases when it comes to making her life miserable.

She is 18 and in high school, I am 19 and in college with my own apartment. I've begged and pleaded with her to come live with me here as soon as possible or as soon as she finishes school, but she says she can't because her mom and step dad refuse to pay for any of her college unless she keeps living with them.

Her mother is mentally unstable due to her medical history and her step father acts like an abusive dictator over the house. It's a ridiculously cliche situation but nonetheless true.

I can't very well confront either of them without stirring up a veritable shit storm, definitely leading to more abuse. I tried telling her that she could make it through college by getting a job and financial aid and that I'd even help her pay too, but she won't budge and refuses to let me do anything.

So basically what should I do? What can I do? I'm at a loss and any advice would be much appreciated.

 

[theonlyblaze2]

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place my friend. I am in the same situation as your girlfriend. All I can suggest for you to do is be there for her as much as you can.

 

[Radeonx]

Try to console her, I guess. Have her spend as much time away from home as possible, too.

I went through horrible emotional and mental abuse as a kid, and being the oldest, I didn't really have anyone to help me out. I kind of snapped and drove my mom out of the house to keep my siblings from experiencing it, but it was still a very shitty experience.

 

[FFHAuthor]

It's hard to explain why a person won't leave something even when they have a better option available. Sometimes it's because of fear, they know what their abusive home is like, and yet they won't leave beacuse they're afraid of what they might find outside it. Other times, it's because they feel an obligation to 'take care of them' in the sense of wanting to help the people who are abusing them. The answers are numerous, but none of them are good.

The best thing you can do for her is to be there with her, let her know you care, let her know that you are always going to be there to help her and support her. Give her a safety zone, when she decides to leave that life behind, she will, but if you try to force her, you'll only turn into something like her mother and father in her eyes.

 

[Kpt._Rob]

Welcome to life, where shit sometimes sucks, and like it or not, you have to let people make their own decisions, even when the decisions they make will cause them a lot of pain. All you can do is be there for her, if it gets to be too much for her she still has a way out with you, but until then just be supportive and understanding.

 

[Woodsey]

I would suggest telling the police, but she doesn't sound like she'd react well to that.

Maybe get a friend of hers to speak to her, and keep pushing the angle. Surely she can take out some sort of loan to help with college fees? And try approaching the conversation in a different way, if she feels like she's being badgered by you about it every time she sees you, then shes more likely to just reject the idea outright.

 

[Ekonk]

I dunno, alert the authorities? That shit ain't legal. It would indeed cause a shitstorm, but hey. You can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.

 

[Numb1lp]

Keep trying, my man. Maybe she's just scared. You need to really show her that you care and can be there for her in long haul.

 

[Frozen Donkey Wheel2]

Well, tell someone else who's NOT on the internet. Your friends, your parents, the authorities...Just someone in person.

Also, you can't possibly think that's the correct way to spell "trapped".

 

[emeraldrafael]

Not to make this situation light or anyhting, but when I saw your title, I thought you were talking about the band. thats really why I lcikced, cause I was curious how this was gonna work out.

But since i'm here and see there is a much more serious incident on hand:
Go see a judge. have her legally extradited( right legal term?) as her parents are in poor parents. SHe's of legal age, and I'm sure she could move in with someone if the situation is truly as bad as you say it is.

However, I find most abusive homes to be more exaggerated then not. Obviously your gf is either
a) broken and accepts
b) enjoys the situation
c) wishes to remain where she is
d) sees hope

If its any of the above, you really cant change that on your own. The only thing you can do is be there as the friend and emotional support, while also letting her know the option is open (though not through repeated offers).

Honestly, you want her ot move in with you, let it go. Let it get bad. Wait till she's sad and broken, till there's no lower to sink. Then offer, and make it sound appealing. bait it. Cause in the cases like these i've witnessed been part of, thats the one way thats worked the most.

 

[ExileNZ]

You're pretty much stuck until she's willing to help herself - she needs out of that house, but does she really WANT it? Is she protecting other siblings by staying home? Is she willing to risk her folks burning all her stuff if she leaves?

You've got to look at the factors that are keeping her there, aside from abusive brain-fuckery. You can deal with that one when the others are dealt with.

I'm only going by conjecture here, I've never had to help someone out of an abusive household like that, but in my experience (and that of people I've talked to) people need to be willing to leave before they can really be helped.

 

[emeraldrafael]

I dunno, alert the authorities? That shit ain't legal. It would indeed cause a shitstorm, but hey. You can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.

It may not be legal, but I dont see authorities doing much when the daughter is of legal age to extradite herself (again, hoping I used the right term). As far as authorities are concerned this is a domestic disturbance, and depending on the reputation of your local authority force, they may not even care. By far, the biggest crime in the US is domestic abuse and it probably has the least done to prevent it. Its just simply not a big enough thing.

right now, her parnets could kick her out. Or make her pay rent. She's freeloading, and its only the good will of the parents that let her live there.

 

[Sux2bu]

Whack the father in the face, and give the mother a few meds.

 

[Radeonx]

Try to console her, I guess. Have her spend as much time away from home as possible, too.

I went through horrible emotional and mental abuse as a kid, and being the oldest, I didn't really have anyone to help me out. I kind of snapped and drove my mom out of the house to keep my siblings from experiencing it, but it was still a very shitty experience.

HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE LET ME PUT SOME SHAGGY IN IT!

Your tellin me you drove your mom out of her house while you were a KID?
Not callin you out though just askin how did this play out?
Did you just tell her off and you took care of your siblings or what?

When I was 14 I took all of her shit and threw it out of the house, and I said that if she began to treat my kids the same way they treated me (She didn't start it until I was about 8, and my next sibling was 7 at the time, so I was worried), I said that I would light all of her possessions on fire and beat the everloving shit out of her.
Looking back on it, I should've just punched the ***** in the face.

 

[Radeonx]

Try to console her, I guess. Have her spend as much time away from home as possible, too.

I went through horrible emotional and mental abuse as a kid, and being the oldest, I didn't really have anyone to help me out. I kind of snapped and drove my mom out of the house to keep my siblings from experiencing it, but it was still a very shitty experience.

HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE LET ME PUT SOME SHAGGY IN IT!

Your tellin me you drove your mom out of her house while you were a KID?
Not callin you out though just askin how did this play out?
Did you just tell her off and you took care of your siblings or what?

When I was 14 I took all of her shit and threw it out of the house, and I said that if she began to treat my kids the same way they treated me (She didn't start it until I was about 8, and my next sibling was 7 at the time, so I was worried), I said that I would light all of her possessions on fire and beat the everloving shit out of her.
Looking back on it, I should've just punched the ***** in the face.

Oh...Im sorry that must have been awful for you.You must be quite the hero to your siblings.
Well...can I ask where she is? Did she get help or what and If im triggering any problems you don't have to reply.

I have no idea where she is; I haven't talked to her in 8 years.

 

[lacktheknack]

Your job now is to ALWAYS be available for her, and let her know that if she ever changes her mind, your apartment is open.