Give us your jokes!

[Orange Monkey]

Hey Escapists, now I know that at least some of you have working brain functions, time to put the to good use for shits and giggles! Give us any original or creative jokes you have.

''What do you think happens when a Lesbian couple are both PMS'ing at the same time?''
''Probably a localised Apocalypse''

 

[Metric Monkey]

An orange monkey?
At least it's not another metric one.
OT: John had just forgotten her wife's birthday, and needless to say, she was pretty damn angry.
So she told him "I want something going from 0 to 200 in six seconds, and it better be there, in the driveway, by tomorrow."
Then, the next day, John's wife wakes up, heads outside to find a scale in the driveway.
John has been missing ever since.
[sub]Think I heard that one somewhere, so screw me for originality.[/sub]

 

[comadorcrack]

"Hey I just completed Metal Gear Solid 4"
"Hey, You don't have a PS3"
"Yeah... But I have Youtube"

 

[Necrofudge]

"Why did the guy post the jokes thread on the escapist? Because he didn't use the search bar"

Half Asleep and not feeling too creative... so i'll just use my friend's:

Q: What should you do if you get into a fight?
A: You move to Bel-Air

 

[Cmwissy]

I think the Kooks are a really good band, with original, high quality music and awesome songs, they're all attractive with cute curly hair and sexy skinny jeans - and if you don't like them; you're just jealous.


I am a joke.

 

[Jon Etheridge]

"Guess what I did this morning?"
"What?
"Go fuck yourself."

I guess it's not really a joke but I laugh when someone says it.

 

[OneBig Man]

"I tell ya I get no respect. Like this one time I was talking to this girl on the phone. She told me to come over; nobody's home. I went over; nobody's home!"

Q:Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A:It was dead.

 

[Orange Monkey]

An orange monkey?
At least it's not another metric one.
OT: John had just forgotten her wife's birthday, and needless to say, she was pretty damn angry.
So she told him "I want something going from 0 to 200 in six seconds, and it better be there, in the driveway, by tomorrow."
Then, the next day, John's wife wakes up, heads outside to find a scale in the driveway.
John has been missing ever since.
[sub]Think I heard that one somewhere, so screw me for originality.[/sub]

Monkeys are awesome regardless fo shape, colour, size, or unit of measurement.

 

[HollywoodH17]

Just how offensive can these jokes be? Can we make wanton fun of celebrity deaths? Is there a permaban for dropping an n-bomb in the context of a "joke"? I need to know what's acceptable here.

 

[Snork Maiden]

Huh, I try and repeat my super-long-joke-of-fun (http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.168737#4565715), and apparently a word limit has been implemented between then and now :/

 

[Batfred]

Huh, I try and repeat my super-long-joke-of-fun (http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.168737#4565715), and apparently a word limit has been implemented between then and now :/

Oh yeah, thanks for that. I got a lot of odd looks about the general lack of activity while reading that epic. Good joke though.

Oh well, here comes my first ban although I really hope not.

A spazzy kid goes up to an ice cream van:
Spazzy Kid - {spazzy voice} Can I have an ice cream please?
Ice Cream Man - Sorry?
Spazzy Kid - {spazzy voice} CAN I HAVE AN ICE CREAM PLEASE?
Ice Cream Man - What flavour?
Spazzy Kid - {spazzy voice} Doesn't matter, gonna drop it anyway.

 

[Amethyst Wind]

Not original but I gotta get to work:

I was walking down the street as a child when a man pulled up in his car and offered me some sweeties if I got in his car. Now I like sweeties very much so I got in. Of course the man was a bit put off because the sweeties made me hyperactive and I raped him.

 

[Armored Prayer]

Knock knock!
Who's there?
An Owl goes.
An Owl goes who?
Exactly!

That actually made me laugh when I first heard it.

 

[Snicks]

I have CDO.

It's like OCD, but with the letter in the correct alphebetical order, as they should be.

 

[TheYellowCellPhone]

Q: Why can't Helen Keller drive?
A: Because she's dead, moron.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure

What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.