Going out to a bar/pub/disco ...

[Shadowcreed]

Hello my fellow Escapist members,

I feel like I've been missing out on quite a bit in my short life already, I'm 19 years old and just finished high school, now I'm in my freshman's year of university and things are, normal I suppose. Which I think is just the problem. You see I've never been one to have many people around me and I can easily do with 2 or 3 close friends. I really never tent to hang out much or do much in my life other than scrolling the web and playing dumb video games, which I don't even enjoy that much anymore, I used to, but nowadays it feels like I'm just playing just to do something, - something I know that I'm able to do.. My mindset after high school has altered somehow. Things don't matter any more like they used to, I don't feel the need to challenge myself, to educate myself, to compete with others, what's the point? Why does everything feel pointless?
I had a bad romance thing going on with a girl for about 4 years, never really gotten anything out of that, a hug, at most, and a somewhat decent 'goodbye'. That used to depress me quite a lot, and it still has left its mark on me, I feel alone. The single most thing I care about right now is not my education or future, but its having someone I can support, I need to make myself viable to someone I love, but there is nobody like that. I'm not even sure if I'm good enough to do that for anyone.. My self-esteem took a plunge in those 4 years of having feelings for that one 'what-I-felt-as-special' girl, I still miss her, but I've moved on. Though I still feel so lonely... I wish I had someone that would say "I love you" and mean it. That said all it really comes down to is meeting someone I can love and for her to love me back, right? Here's the catch - I don't feel needed, at all. I feel like I'm an empty void with high-school knowledge that never gets you anywhere.
I'm just a guy that plays games because its the thing he knows he's good at, its not real enjoyment any more, most of the time its just 'what I do'. I need to stop this - I need to get out more.

the main clause; How? You can deduct that I'm not exactly a very social person, I've developed decent social skills and I'm not afraid to talk to strangers, I don't even care if I make a fool out of myself. But I've got no idea how to 'act' or be like when I'm in a pub or disco, what do people do? they sit on a chair at the counter and have small talk? They make excessive and unneeded movements with their limbs in an overcrowded hall with some epileptic lights and deafening music? (yeah I'm being a bit exaggerative here, its just the experience I've had with going out with friends and such - Didn't really have a bad time either but again, it felt pointless being there.)

Now that I've gotten this off my chest I see that its quite a large wall of text
Sorry about that - Once I've started writing its hard to end somewhere, even with such a basic question as this one. I felt the need to at least give some pointers that define my personality, to make it easier to relate, if anyone even gets in such a situation. Jeez even my apology is large as hell, this situation I'm in bothers me more than even I thought.

 

[Jedoro]

Huh, I share the same sentiment regarding bars/clubs/whatnot. You don't have to go to those places, just go do different things until you find something you actually enjoy. It's easiest to find something when you're not looking for it, and I think that applies to significant others as well. Basically, do what you enjoy and be someone you're happy with. Unless you really fuck something up, things fall into place a bit more after that.

 

[Shadowcreed]

This is another thing I think you should stop yourself from doing. When you first date someone, you should date them because you enjoy their company or want to learn a little more about them- nothing more. Wanting to love and be loved from the beginning moves things way too fast. Take it slow and don't rush. The journey is the destination.

I agree that you need to get out more. I propose that perhaps taking an interest in the lives/needs of others would be beneficial for you. Maybe you could look into joining a volunteer group?

I've never been on a date with anyone before and I do think I've gotten down with the idea of it though - I'm not one to go about and pick up a girl to bring home, I'd rather get to know someone and see if I genuinely feel anything for them. Its a shame nobody is around like that in my current environment so that's exactly why I need to get out more, to get to know more people.

I recommend you 'act' or be like yourself. First because I usually find that people who put on bar personas are dicks. Second because while putting on a persona may fool dumb (/drunk!) women into a snog or a shag, most people can spot someone being fake pretty far off. And those who can't get competed over by a lot of fake people who have a lot more practice than you at being fake.

You have a good point there, I hardly fake anything about myself, other than adapt to my whereabouts like normal people would, I suppose. You wont see me be that extrovert in an environment I'm not familiar with so I tent to observe first then act, this might be a good quality when I'm in a bar, though the lack of experience will get me uncomfortable the first few times, just gotta get over that. Perhaps find some friends to tag along the first few explorations^^

The first rule of being at a bar- don't be rude or obnoxious or insulting to anyone. The second rule after that is do whatever you feel like doing. You'll probably get by further talking to people, but whatever you're comfortable with will probably be what works best for you.

That's a very nice and clear way of putting it, thank you =)
I'm a very open-minded person so I doubt I can be negative to a person I don't even know, I don't really judge, or try not to in any case. Everyone has their own life and own experiences, maybe I disagree with someone, that doesn't make him or her more wrong or right than me now does it? Unless its about facts xD

A quick word about clubs/discos- personally, I usually like them. But first of all, never, ever go there on the pull unless you have the sort of looks that you don't need to go to a club to pull. Because a lot of what happens between strangers in clubs comes down to looks, so it doesn't matter what your personality is or how social you are. It's a very shallow environment. Now, if you go there with the strict purpose of enjoying yourself, none of that may matter and you might end up meeting someone who wants to meet you later. It's happened with me and I'm no looker. But the moment you get it into your head that your reason for being in the club is to hook up with someone, well, let's just say when it happens to me it's practically guaranteed that I won't hook up with anyone because I spend the whole night making myself miserable that I'm not hooking up with anyone. When I go to a club my goal is to people-watch and drink while listening to music I like. After that anything else is a bonus.

I've read that psychological statement somewhere, looking for someone in your life won't let you find it, it just happens as you go, which for me didn't really take place other than that fiasco that shred 4 years of my life... Not exactly sure if I'd like being in an environment where the single most thing that matter would be looks, not that I lack them, its just so shallow that I can't really commend it, of course its pretty much always like that when you meet someone, its only natural. Hell I probably do it as well, though I try to just speak to whoever when I get a chance to just to boost my confidence a bit and get experience with talking to strangers, its not really difficult for me but I do tent to feel like an idiot sometimes when I attempt small talk with some random person I don't know xD
Doesn't matter to me anyway^^

If you find a smaller bar with quieter ambiance, try sitting at the bar. Bartenders are usually pretty good about talking to customers unless they're busy. Good luck, have fun, and take it slow until you learn your alcohol limits.

Yeah I'll probably end up doing that - if I can pull myself together a bit more and actually DO what I'm telling myself to do - much like my studies, I tell myself every day and I even plan every day on when and what to study - only to ignore myself and give in to that feeling of banality, why bother learning something I'll probably end up forgetting before putting to use? Even if it ever happens that I need this put to use. Its a dumb mindset, but its how I feel, and I know that its not the way it should be. Tell that to my emotions^^.

Also the idea of going to a bar alone is kind of.. well lonesome isn't it? It feels like a place to meet up with friends, and going to such a place alone would make me feel a bit underrated, though I suppose enough people do it. Maybe...

Thanks for the insight I appreciate it.

 

[Shadowcreed]

I'd be wary of the contrapositive claim. Being desperate for a hook-up interferes with finding one, but I'm very suspicious of anyone who claims that not being desperate for a hook-up actually leads to hook-ups.

This is often the kind of advice that dicks give when they want to covertly brag about their success to someone who doesn't have it. "Oh, you don't have a girlfriend? Aw, that sucks bro! What you need to do is be more confident like me and not go looking like me because I'm totally confident dawg and that's why I rule. You should try to rule like I do." This behavior smacks of actually being very insecure.

Well the advice still is solid, other than the fact its an attempt at bragging, which I'd read between the lines of anyway since that's not the message I was looking for ^^
I don't really like to compare myself with others, I'm fine of who I am and what I can achieve, there's no reason for me to look at someone else's life and figure "oh God how I wish I was him/her!! " That's not my way of going about at all
I'm happy with who I am and I tent to stay like me, the only downside is that I'm not engaged with a lot of things so I'm boring myself out a bit, which I need to fix, somehow, aka going to a pub, or something similar.[/quote]

Kind of, but so what? Why should you adjust your behavior to avoid something you want to do or want to try just because most people are too insecure to do it? I go to bars on my own all the time (I have a lot of friends who are teetotalers.) Some bars are really terrible for this. Other bars are great. The only way to find out is to walk in and have a drink and see what it's like.

The problem isn't that I would feel lonely//weird//alone, I'm not that insecure of myself but yeah I'd probably feel a little weird, the main problem would be that I've got his idea that others would point me and say 'God that guy is weird!'

I wouldn't mind that, since its quite a shallow remark and I doubt any kind of intellectual would engage in that but honestly, the idea to go to a pub/club/
for me would be to find someone I could build something up with, and as you sad such a place is rather shallow and goes by -- looks --- in first base, so it would end up being shallow in the same way as 'Hah look at that lonely guy WTF is he doing here go back to home and cry because you've got no friends and <add shallow and random remark #3>.' That would get my blood boiling a bit. I'd be angry having to deal with people that exhibit such a mindset. Not that I'd show such a thing to strangers I'd just brush it off but that nonetheless pulls to a rather negative side of things. I suppose I'm just speculating here though it's pretty much how my mind is viewing it right now - I'd need experience before I should make such assumptions.

 

[jobu59749]

I know this is very general, but I feel like it might be the best advice. People don't usually lose interest for no reason, it's typically the bi-product of something mental going on. I'm not saying you have a problem, just that it is a possibility. It may not be a relation that is needed, it could just be that you're suffering from a form depression and your brain is telling you that a relation will fix it. This isn't always the case and can do more damage than help. I suggest talking with a certified specialist (psychologist/therapist/etc.) Do some research and find out which would be the best and see what they can offer to help. That's what they are there for. Also, a pill won't fix you, it helps, and if you have a chemical imbalance it's there to help correct it.

Thanks for asking for advice.

 

[Shadowcreed]

I know this is very general, but I feel like it might be the best advice. People don't usually lose interest for no reason, it's typically the bi-product of something mental going on. I'm not saying you have a problem, just that it is a possibility. It may not be a relation that is needed, it could just be that you're suffering from a form depression and your brain is telling you that a relation will fix it. This isn't always the case and can do more damage than help. I suggest talking with a certified specialist (psychologist/therapist/etc.) Do some research and find out which would be the best and see what they can offer to help. That's what they are there for. Also, a pill won't fix you, it helps, and if you have a chemical imbalance it's there to help correct it.

Thanks for asking for advice.

I think I can cope with the problems I'm having right now - though I do have the feeling that someone who I can love and someone that loves me back outside of my family circle could be a big help - I'd really like someone close to me that can support me and someone that I can make my life useful to.
I've always managed to break trough and I'll do it again - there's this gnawing feeling I have when someone recommends medicine or a shrink, of course it might/will help - though I'm certain I'm mentally strong enough to sustain myself and prevent myself from doing something stupid, chemical imbalances can fix themselves over time as well. I'll manage.