Grow a Goddamned Skin!!!
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One of the most useful if rarely used phrases in the English language is "I'm comfortable with my level of hypocrisy."emeraldrafael said:
Good. Viscera is quite fragile and you don't want your internals going all external.TestECull said:
Personally, I do sometimes get upset by the things people say online, but what keeps it from taking too much from my overall happiness is the refusal to let cruel people drag me down to their level. I feel far happier trying (sometimes not succeeding, but always trying!) to be nice and patient towards others than I would if I let myself cast slurs and insults. At the end of the day, we turn off the computer and we have to be able to look ourselves in the mirror and know that we tried to be a decent human being in all our interactions. Keyboard anonymity is no excuse for being a jerk, no matter how many other people think it is. As such, I don't really think I have a thick skin; I just protect my thin skin with the armour of courtesy (to use a phrase from Sansa Stark's point of view in A Song of Ice and Fire).
'It's now very common to hear people say, "I'm rather offended by that", as if that gives them certain rights. It's no more than a whine. It has no meaning, it has no purpose, it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. "I'm offended by that." Well, so fucking what?'
- Stephen Fry.
Perfectly sums it up, I feel.
- Stephen Fry.
Perfectly sums it up, I feel.
QED.TestECull said:
This too, which is why I end up laughing (although I probably shouldn't) when I see another dumb fucking teenager has killed themselves over something hurtful somebody said online. People tried to bully me online, back when Bebo was still a thing. You know what they did? They set up "I hate X" groups and spammed me with messages etc., and you know what my response was? Delete my account and get the fuck over it, fast. And these were people I actually KNEW, not some anonymous dumbfuck, and it still didn't bother me. The beatings perhaps, but not the name calling.Craorach said:
You really do just snap your fingers and get over it (figuratively speaking.) Knowing how much smarter I am than the people pissing me off, and knowing that their opinions dont make a lick of difference in my world, how COULD I get upset at what people say?
Hammer down. Make fun of me for being bald. Make fun of me for being skinny. Make fun of me for being poor. Make fun of the fact that one of my parents is dead. I really dont care.
I know that I just naturally have thick skin and you dont, but I dont know what to tell you. Some people are built broken. Some people have no sense of empathy. Some people are born with crippling genetic disorders. If you have polio, dont run track. If you have thin skin, stay away from mean people and stay away from online forums.
Maybe its the fact that at a young age I was taught that no one wants to listen to my bitching. I learned to stop bitching, which make me stop thinking about the things that piss me off. If you learn to have a short memory and not dwell on the negative, it gets easier and easier. Using the depression and stomach cramps as an excuse to slack off is only going to make situations spiral out of control and the hole you dig will only get deeper.
In your bathroom is there a bottle of pepto next to a bottle of throat spray, next to a box of losenges, next to a bottle of tums, next to a bottle of calamine lotion, next to 3 bottles of different pain killers? If so learn to get on without them. Toughening up takes time and is harder to do the older you are.
Sorry for the tough love, but you need to start somewhere. You want specific instructions, but what you get is similar to the answer I would give to anyone who wants to gain or lose weight. It's not quick and its not easy.
If all else fails, try doing something physical; the more exhausting the better. Nothing takes your mind off things like genuine fatigue. Im guessing its a natural human coping mechanism. Im not a behavioral scientist, but I try to tie things back to evolution. If you exhaust yourself running from a predator, you'll be too tired to dwell on it, and wont be too scared to go out and hunt for your clan the next day.
Hammer down. Make fun of me for being bald. Make fun of me for being skinny. Make fun of me for being poor. Make fun of the fact that one of my parents is dead. I really dont care.
I know that I just naturally have thick skin and you dont, but I dont know what to tell you. Some people are built broken. Some people have no sense of empathy. Some people are born with crippling genetic disorders. If you have polio, dont run track. If you have thin skin, stay away from mean people and stay away from online forums.
Maybe its the fact that at a young age I was taught that no one wants to listen to my bitching. I learned to stop bitching, which make me stop thinking about the things that piss me off. If you learn to have a short memory and not dwell on the negative, it gets easier and easier. Using the depression and stomach cramps as an excuse to slack off is only going to make situations spiral out of control and the hole you dig will only get deeper.
In your bathroom is there a bottle of pepto next to a bottle of throat spray, next to a box of losenges, next to a bottle of tums, next to a bottle of calamine lotion, next to 3 bottles of different pain killers? If so learn to get on without them. Toughening up takes time and is harder to do the older you are.
Sorry for the tough love, but you need to start somewhere. You want specific instructions, but what you get is similar to the answer I would give to anyone who wants to gain or lose weight. It's not quick and its not easy.
If all else fails, try doing something physical; the more exhausting the better. Nothing takes your mind off things like genuine fatigue. Im guessing its a natural human coping mechanism. Im not a behavioral scientist, but I try to tie things back to evolution. If you exhaust yourself running from a predator, you'll be too tired to dwell on it, and wont be too scared to go out and hunt for your clan the next day.
I've honestly never been sensitive to it. It's all just a bunch of anonymous nobodies (no offense people). I have a life, a job, friends, etc. Trolls troll. Nothing can be done about it. Not worth getting upset at them.
Slowpoke is slow, also, surely people stated it before, but whattahell...Saulkar said:
Self-confidence is the key to grow armor that even Space Marines would betray Emperor to acquire one!
Whatever people say, whatever they do, if you're sure that there's more in you than what they claim, nothing will hurt you that deep and for long. Let me remind this marvelous anecdote :
That's it. Self-confidence. Whatever they launch at you, you know, you're too big for their puny attacks.
How to gain self-confidence ?
This process takes some time, but it's worth it. Simplest way to do it is to win, constantly win, numerous times. Challenge yourself. At first your challenges may be easy ones, for example "do something you never did", or "resist urge to do something you're 'addicted' to".
Walk longer and further than usually. Drink no Mountain Dew (or whatever you like) for whole week. Write short story even thought you don't like to write and you don't know what to write about (just don't publish it
. Then try something more complicated, more challenging. Try some sports, do things you're mildly afraid of. Try crazy stuff that are against your personal beliefs - if you're an atheist, go to church and just stay there during mass passing no judgement, just observing. If you're religious person, read some atheist books and resist your rage or whatever emotion you'll feel. You dislike people of different nationality ? Speak with some, read about their heritage, history, try to use this nation in your next RTS game. You're active and all sports ? Stay at home for whole weekend and do nothing useful.
Then try even harder things.
Finally, at some point you'll awake with single thought : "geeeee, it seems that i can do almost everything, try anything, achieve whatever i want". And believe me, with that kind of attitude nooone will scar you for life, no matter what they say and or do.
Like you, I never had an inherently thick skin. Emotional response has never felt to me like something I can control: I feel how I feel.
Internet assaults have never bothered me TOO much, though, mostly because I was constantly bullied in school and by the time I got into the more social aspects of the Internet I had long stopped caring what random people said to me. Exactly how I stopped caring, I'm really not sure. I think I gradually (not by choice) stopped seeing them as people, or even as animals, since they never behaved in any way to which I could relate. They are objects, programmed to spew bile at every opportunity. They should be avoided when possible, but are of no consequence.
I feel like a tremendous asshole even saying that, and I can't really recommend that particular mechanism. Still, that's my story, take from it what you will.
Internet assaults have never bothered me TOO much, though, mostly because I was constantly bullied in school and by the time I got into the more social aspects of the Internet I had long stopped caring what random people said to me. Exactly how I stopped caring, I'm really not sure. I think I gradually (not by choice) stopped seeing them as people, or even as animals, since they never behaved in any way to which I could relate. They are objects, programmed to spew bile at every opportunity. They should be avoided when possible, but are of no consequence.
I feel like a tremendous asshole even saying that, and I can't really recommend that particular mechanism. Still, that's my story, take from it what you will.
I used to ***** and moan and argue on the internet all day, every day. I used to take everything seriously and go for every idiotic drivel, grab every argument, feel every half-hearted jab someone typed without even thinking. The internet was, in short SERIOUS BUSINESS.
Then something just clicked, and it wasn't my mouse. What the hell was I doing? Why? Was I seriously letting myself get this worked up about people who I didn't know, would never meet and who, in all seriousness, didn't probably give a shit? And then, a wonderful new option sprung up from this poor man's enlightenment: I don't have to. I can simply sigh, shrug and let it be. Hell, I don't need to do even that! I can totally ignore all I want to! I CAN let it be and take seriously only those people I know worthy of it.
And never again was I forced into carrying on a pointless argument "because someone's wrong and mean! ON THE INTERNET!" For I realized that there will always be bile and horrible things and incredible ignorancy on a worldwide information lane with free access for any subhuman simian with a computer and a prodding implement to manipulate its keys. And that wouldn't change. What could and would change is how I'd react to these things. I could choose to take that pathetic drivel seriously, and allow myself to be hurt, and thus empower the aforementioned subhuman monkeys. Or I could just let it go and forget.
In the end, there's no real instructions to dealing with trolls or idiots (who, even if the term gets thrown around more than a basketball during the game, are different things), other than the fact that you really should ignore it. It's hard at first, but you need to realize that this is the internet, where actions very seldom have consequences and other people are just faceless blobs of text. Realize that these people, too, are most of the time ordinary blokes in real life, and write the shit off as just being what internet does. And then carry on, you have better things to do after all than to empower trolls and possibly turn them into Dire Hellish Fiendtrolls or something. Sooner or later, you'll notice your skin is no longer a skin, but a hide. A thick hide with +30 damage resistance against troll bile, which is pretty good.
Then something just clicked, and it wasn't my mouse. What the hell was I doing? Why? Was I seriously letting myself get this worked up about people who I didn't know, would never meet and who, in all seriousness, didn't probably give a shit? And then, a wonderful new option sprung up from this poor man's enlightenment: I don't have to. I can simply sigh, shrug and let it be. Hell, I don't need to do even that! I can totally ignore all I want to! I CAN let it be and take seriously only those people I know worthy of it.
And never again was I forced into carrying on a pointless argument "because someone's wrong and mean! ON THE INTERNET!" For I realized that there will always be bile and horrible things and incredible ignorancy on a worldwide information lane with free access for any subhuman simian with a computer and a prodding implement to manipulate its keys. And that wouldn't change. What could and would change is how I'd react to these things. I could choose to take that pathetic drivel seriously, and allow myself to be hurt, and thus empower the aforementioned subhuman monkeys. Or I could just let it go and forget.
In the end, there's no real instructions to dealing with trolls or idiots (who, even if the term gets thrown around more than a basketball during the game, are different things), other than the fact that you really should ignore it. It's hard at first, but you need to realize that this is the internet, where actions very seldom have consequences and other people are just faceless blobs of text. Realize that these people, too, are most of the time ordinary blokes in real life, and write the shit off as just being what internet does. And then carry on, you have better things to do after all than to empower trolls and possibly turn them into Dire Hellish Fiendtrolls or something. Sooner or later, you'll notice your skin is no longer a skin, but a hide. A thick hide with +30 damage resistance against troll bile, which is pretty good.
A man can only be offended with his own permission.
It's your state of mind. What are these people saying? Why would they say it? But most importantly, do you think there's any truth to it?
Most people that truly find something offensive is because they're particularly sensitive to the issue being raised. This is often caused by either insecurities about themselves, or past unpleasant experiences (eg, your brother being victim to a racist attack).
You can't shrug off negative comments if you have either past issues to resolve, or insecurities to overcome. Being so easily hurt by others implies you're really not a strong person to begin with, that's what you have to work on.
It's your state of mind. What are these people saying? Why would they say it? But most importantly, do you think there's any truth to it?
Most people that truly find something offensive is because they're particularly sensitive to the issue being raised. This is often caused by either insecurities about themselves, or past unpleasant experiences (eg, your brother being victim to a racist attack).
You can't shrug off negative comments if you have either past issues to resolve, or insecurities to overcome. Being so easily hurt by others implies you're really not a strong person to begin with, that's what you have to work on.
Long post following.Saulkar said:
I think a lot of what has been said so far in response to this discussion has been what you might call "Solipsistic". You draw a line in the sand between "me" and "other people", and then set about systematically removing yourself from engaging in certain types of discussion by not putting yourself on the line, setting yourself up in such a way that crossing the line is something you develop coping mechanisms for (humour/self-confidence/self-deprecation/distance), or drawing the line in such a way that nothing is ever personal.
I don't think this is the right way to go about resolving the problem of being offended, for the simple reason that you don't really address what it was about what they said that gave rise to the perceived offense. Someone else has said something that would have offended you; this was said in the way it was for a reason, and dismissing that reason can in certain situations result in a misinterpretation of the other person's intent in saying it. Joking around it or shrugging it off are deflection methods, whereas being offensive towards you sometimes has a very important part to play in explaining perceived problems with the way you have conducted yourself.
Resolving occasions of offense isn't about building your own sense of self-esteem and set of personal defenses up. It's about reading the situation from the lens of the intention the other person has in causing it.
Often, this reading is easy. Someone might have said something just because they're starved for attention, and offense is a very good way to attract it. Then there's no reason to think that what is said has anything to do with you whatsoever. Sometimes it's a strategy they adopt in order to distract you from the game they perceive to be in effect - in which case, again, it's just because you're their opponent. Someone might have said something because they're frustrated that you don't agree with their opinion, even if you've given a reasonable explanation of why you believe what you do - in which case, explaining your perspective and calmly asking them to acknowledge the difference is often good enough. Usually online, these readings tend to work because of the typically fleeting nature of conversation.
It's occasionally a little trickier, and that's where interpersonal empathy is a very useful tool. Try to view what had happened up to that point from a different perspective, and see if you can think about how has the occasion of offense-giving emerged from the context. If you can't work it out, then ask them!
Everyone acts for a reason. People can act "irrationally" and act in ways that don't always make sense from the impartial viewpoint, but they have their own internal logic that drives their decisions (albeit one usually mired in contradiction). If you accept this as a premise, and consider the resultant important role that interpretation plays in the function of words and language, then maybe you can use sensitivity to offense as an opportunity to engage deeper in the intentions and thoughts of the other people involved in the discussion.
It's not so much about self-confidence as it is about Strength of Will. You can be happy to change things about yourself and respond positively to emotive criticism wthout backing down from authority and ownership of your position in the conversation.
tl;dr - escaping from offense isn't always the most constructive approach to dealing with people.
I'm a very sensitive person and I get very emotionally invested in arguments I take on the internet. This, you would think, makes me an easy troll target. But no. I always fight with logical claims, if someone can prove me wrong, then I'm wrong. If it's a matter of opinion, than I don't go too far. If someone is getting ridiculous, I DON'T start getting agressive or asshole-y, I usually just say "look, if you want to argue about this calmly and logically, I'm all ears, but if you're just going to start flailing your arms about and yell, I have nothing more to say to you." Then if they start making hurtful comments I consider them a troll, make a witty comment to them (preferrably not about their mother) and leave them be. Also I tend to rationalise, if they're really angry about a topic and fight with so much passion they can't see how wrong they are, I usually think their life is consumed by this, if I want to be better than them, I simply have to live my life and not do the same.
Always remember, ad hominem (personal attacks) is a weak and cowardly weapon and is in no way a logical statement. The moment this comes up, they are thereby branded a troll and no longer worthy of your time.
Always remember, ad hominem (personal attacks) is a weak and cowardly weapon and is in no way a logical statement. The moment this comes up, they are thereby branded a troll and no longer worthy of your time.
My reasoning is that even if I do feel that way who cares? Sure I don't like being insulted but in the grand scheme of things it will not affect me. The world would be a happier place if people stopped taking offense at the tiniest things.
If I went out and insulted everyone in the universe in alphabetical order would it matter? I wouldn't make many friends but I am sure people would live.
Lets pretend I went and insulted someone for being whatever race. What would be worse? If they said "Oh well, he is an idiot." or if they started a massive problem over it and it got out of hand and making everything worse.
If I went out and insulted everyone in the universe in alphabetical order would it matter? I wouldn't make many friends but I am sure people would live.
Lets pretend I went and insulted someone for being whatever race. What would be worse? If they said "Oh well, he is an idiot." or if they started a massive problem over it and it got out of hand and making everything worse.