Gurl problemz tho

[Relish in Chaos]

OK, so I know this is a really cliche teenage 'issue' that I hoped I would never have to ask advice on but...here it goes.

I need some tips on how to...well, make close girl-friends. I'm not even talking about the 'romantic partner'-type girlfriend, although that would be nice as well - not that I would specifically be looking to make friends with girls just to date them. I mean, I already have friends that are girls, but only a few, and none of them are ones that I'd really consider close. The closest one I have doesn't even go to my school anymore and works most days, not to mention she's pregnant now, so I'll barely have any time to meet up with her in town or something. Additionally, I want to know how to "get lucky" with girls in bars and clubs, since it seems like my friends barely even have to try to do so - just walk up, start talking about something, and in about eight minutes, they're eating each other's faces.

I do try. I don't try to come across as desperate, but being idle all the time doesn't do any good either. I dance, but that just makes me look stupid. I like to think I clean up pretty good, wearing smart shirts and nice-smelling aftershave. Part of the problem might be that I'm by far the least confident person in my friend group, but I can't be the only one.

So basically, how do I talk to girls that I don't really know?

 

[Mr.Cynic88]

The same way you talk to everybody, by finding common interests. Just walk up and start talking. Don't give into your fears and just pretend you're confident. It'll go one of two ways. One, she'll engage you and begin talking. Say whatever, it depends on how intoxicated you are. Look at the girl and start observing. If nothing else, you know she's having a night out at the bar. She's probably not alone. Maybe she's out with coworkers. Where does she work? These are all things that inspire conversation.

If she continues to talk to you, you're probably not fucking up. If you meet a girl at a bar, you both understand the sexual implications of approaching a stranger. If she's down with your presence, just keep telling yourself everything is cool and see where the night takes you.

It could, of course, go way number two, which will be far less fun for you. Is she acting disinterested? Looking towards her friends, or just saying things that are really bitchy? If so, then she doesn't want you around. Move on, you got rejected, now try again with someone else.

The guys I know who are always "getting lucky" as it were, are typically total sluts. They spend the entire night trying to meet chicks, and they often do, because that was what they were trying to do for hours. In the process they face constant rejection. It's so funny to watch guys try to dance up on girls and the girls darting away like a frightened housecat. It's a shotgun approach. There are far more denials than steamy love affairs. They play the law of averages

If that's what you want, then you just got to put your mind to it.

 

[Relish in Chaos]

The same way you talk to everybody, by finding common interests. Just walk up and start talking. Don't give into your fears and just pretend you're confident. It'll go one of two ways. One, she'll engage you and begin talking. Say whatever, it depends on how intoxicated you are. Look at the girl and start observing. If nothing else, you know she's having a night out at the bar. She's probably not alone. Maybe she's out with coworkers. Where does she work? These are all things that inspire conversation.

If she continues to talk to you, you're probably not fucking up. If you meet a girl at a bar, you both understand the sexual implications of approaching a stranger. If she's down with your presence, just keep telling yourself everything is cool and see where the night takes you.

It could, of course, go way number two, which will be far less fun for you. Is she acting disinterested? Looking towards her friends, or just saying things that are really bitchy? If so, then she doesn't want you around. Move on, you got rejected, now try again with someone else.

The guys I know who are always "getting lucky" as it were, are typically total sluts. They spend the entire night trying to meet chicks, and they often do, because that was what they were trying to do for hours. In the process they face constant rejection. It's so funny to watch guys try to dance up on girls and the girls darting away like a frightened housecat. It's a shotgun approach. There are far more denials than steamy love affairs. They play the law of averages

If that's what you want, then you just got to put your mind to it.

Hmm...yeah, it sounds simpler than I thought. It's just that I'm the kind of person that'll do almost anything to avoid an awkward situation because, if it goes wrong, I'll end up neurotically thinking over and over about what the hell I did. But anyway, I'll just try and be more confident and not be so intimidated by basic social conventions.

 

[Relish in Chaos]

Why do you want to be close friends with a girl?

Because I've never really had a close friendship with a girl since, like, Year 9, and I've been thinking that perhaps the reason so many of my friends take the piss out of me for things I can't control (or feel I can control; it's kinda complicated) is that kind of 'male deprecating banter'-type dynamic, whereas what I've observed from girl friendships is that it's less based on 'banter' and more based on compassion. I know, I'm probably stereotyping a hell of a lot, but still.

Close friendship is something that develops pretty organically, through common interests or a shared sense of humour.

Even if your closest friend is pregnant, you can still meet up at her house and natter over a cup of tea and a piece of cake in the evening after work/school.

True, and organically is how most of my own close friendships have developed - often, even, out of coincidences, like being sat next to them in class and just starting to talk about stuff. So I know it's not good to force it. But at the same time, sometimes I just don't feel like I either have enough friends or that I'm close enough with the friends I have for them to value me the way they may do with others (with a few exceptions). Although that could be more to do with my self-esteem than anything else. I'm really quite neurotic due to my OCD.

Bars and clubs might be the most difficult place to 'pick up' somebody, and if you do worry about things when they go wrong, then it's probably not a good place to try. As Mr.Cynic88 said - the number of rejections heavily outweighs the number of encounters.

I would suggest that if you're going to a bar/club then make relaxing with your friends your primary motivation - certainly, chat to people, but if a one-night encounter is your goal then you'll spend most of your nights feeling like you've failed. If you go to have a good time with your mates however, then if something does happen, hurrah! if not - well that's not why you were going out anyway.

Yeah, most times I just try and have a good time, but other times, if I see my friends getting success in such a short amount of time, I kind of feel like, "How the fuck did that happen? They aren't that much different from me!" But ech, shit happens.

 

[Blitsie]

Well for starters, quite the scary fact I've learned is that women are also people! There's really no trick to becoming close friends with a girl, it happens pretty much exactly the same way it happened with any other close friend you have, you meet a stranger, you find a common thing to talk about that, use that to find more common things to talk about and just become friends and grow closer as time passes.

From what I can gather the main reason you want a close girl friend is because you don't really like it when your (male) friends dis the hell out of you and want something more, what's the word, loving (in a friendly manner) in a way? You also sound like you are slightly longing for a girlfriend there to be quite honest, nothing wrong with that hey! Just means you're gonna have to start putting yourself out there a bit (note, this also helps with making new friends), just be social, be chilled, read up on the spotlight effect to help you a bit as well.

Also, generally regarding males harping on each other, if they do that it means they see you as a proper good bro and the benefit of being proper good bros is that you can draw a line and have them respect that (only not good friends will cross that), just be like "Hey dicknobs, I don't mind you ripping me a new one about X but seriously, dissing me about Y? Not cool man, not cool" They might still sneak a few remarks in but if they see you're serious, it will stop.

Otherwise, hooking up at bars and such is not my thing so I can't help you there, you say you've got some friends who are good at it, ask one to be your wingman one night and at the same time teach you his tricks.

 

[Moth_Monk]

Why do you want to be close friends with a girl?

Because I've never really had a close friendship with a girl since, like, Year 9, and I've been thinking that perhaps the reason so many of my friends take the piss out of me for things I can't control (or feel I can control; it's kinda complicated) is that kind of 'male deprecating banter'-type dynamic, whereas what I've observed from girl friendships is that it's less based on 'banter' and more based on compassion. I know, I'm probably stereotyping a hell of a lot, but still.

I would be careful with assuming that girls are just going to naturally be more empathetic than guys. Women can be as malicious in other ways...

 

[DisasterSoiree]

You'll need hedge clippers. A chainsaw will work, but it'll make sewing her head back on her shoulders rather messy later on. And be careful of the carotid artery; just grazing it will ruin the whole effect.

Other than that, you'll need a needle and thread (naturally), some epoxy, and quite a bit of patience. You'll find that the girls you stitch together will be mismatched no matter how closely they hew to your idealized Woman; heads will be too big for necks will be incompatible with arms. But with time and care, your labour of love will prove more easy than you might imagine.

Redheads bleed more than any other species of the sex, so unless you're an expert taxidermist you may want to avoid them for all the runny red stuff you'll get all over the place. I prefer raven-haired girls myself. You'll come to learn your own preference through trial and error.

 

[FieryTrainwreck]

Because I've never really had a close friendship with a girl since, like, Year 9, and I've been thinking that perhaps the reason so many of my friends take the piss out of me for things I can't control (or feel I can control; it's kinda complicated) is that kind of 'male deprecating banter'-type dynamic, whereas what I've observed from girl friendships is that it's less based on 'banter' and more based on compassion. I know, I'm probably stereotyping a hell of a lot, but still.

Sounds like the problem is your male friends are assholes. Find new friends, period. If some of them are female, bonus. Definitely do not assume that female friends will be nicer to you. In fact, I've found women are far more capable when it comes to inflicting deep psychological pain; your current mates might dog you for something surface or minor, but the "right" woman can cut out your heart.

Also, beware falling into the role of surrogate boyfriend with girls. If you approach them with no romantic intentions, they might use you for the sort of emotional/financial support that typically comes from a real boyfriend. Be especially careful if you develop feelings for any female friends. If you can't stomp that shit out, you need to put yourself out there... and then comes the "let's just be friends" rejection followed by the usual mess.

 

[theboombody]

I wanted a wife, but other than that, I really had no interest in the gender of my friends. After you're married, you definitely want to stick to your own gender with regards to close friends, just to avoid suspicion. Or better yet, just spend time with your family.

Getting lucky is overrated, and can easily turn into a huge nightmare if you avoid making certain precautions even one time. Much smarter to just control your urges as best as you can. As much as I hate pornography for how long it kept me in its snare, I'd recommend that over a one night stand any day.

I went on a few dating sites to try to learn how to date and all that, never intending anything to go very far, but I never really learned how to do that since I ended up marrying the second girl I dated using a site. That was about four years ago. You'd be surprised at how some people love you and some people hate you regardless of who you are or what you do. So if you're discouraged, just keep trying. Everyone is definitely not the same and will not react to you the same way.

 

[theboombody]

You'll need hedge clippers. A chainsaw will work, but it'll make sewing her head back on her shoulders rather messy later on. And be careful of the carotid artery; just grazing it will ruin the whole effect.

Other than that, you'll need a needle and thread (naturally), some epoxy, and quite a bit of patience. You'll find that the girls you stitch together will be mismatched no matter how closely they hew to your idealized Woman; heads will be too big for necks will be incompatible with arms. But with time and care, your labour of love will prove more easy than you might imagine.

Redheads bleed more than any other species of the sex, so unless you're an expert taxidermist you may want to avoid them for all the runny red stuff you'll get all over the place. I prefer raven-haired girls myself. You'll come to learn your own preference through trial and error.

Sweet, I'm an expert taxidermist. I knew all that WOW leatherworking would come in handy.

 

[Relish in Chaos]

Also, generally regarding males harping on each other, if they do that it means they see you as a proper good bro and the benefit of being proper good bros is that you can draw a line and have them respect that (only not good friends will cross that), just be like "Hey dicknobs, I don't mind you ripping me a new one about X but seriously, dissing me about Y? Not cool man, not cool" They might still sneak a few remarks in but if they see you're serious, it will stop.

Otherwise, hooking up at bars and such is not my thing so I can't help you there, you say you've got some friends who are good at it, ask one to be your wingman one night and at the same time teach you his tricks.

The thing, my friends (not all, but a lot) don't draw a line in regards to how much and what they take the piss out of me for, even if I do. I'm not sure if it's just that I'm more sensitive than the rest of them or they just don't know when to cut it out, but even when I tell them to stop (or I show that I'm getting annoyed, as it's very hard for me to just ignore things like that), they just brush it off as "banter" and continue anyway.

And my friends aren't good wingmen. Most of the time, I just end up saying the wrong thing anyway, like drunkenly asking a girl one time at a cashpoint if she knew what the density of the earth was. Wasn't a good moment.

But yeah...I'll try and be less "woe is me" and just relax. Good thing is that in about two years' time, I won't be a teenager anymore, my hormones will hopefully balance out, and I'll get to the point of caring so little that I'll be able to easily have relationships just by acting casual rather than pretending to act casual. If that makes sense.