I've read a lot of hate-mail over the years, directed to various people about the internet. If there's one thing opinionated people love, it's mongrel savages disagreeing with them. Partially to validate why they stick by their opinions, but mostly because posting the emails on the internet for all to poke fun at is a good way of placating your audience when you update as regularly as Halley's Comet. Occasionally though, you do find yourself wanting to express your hate in mail form. So how do you avoid ending up on the hate wall, being laughed at?
There's two ways you can win at hate mail, not including the get-on-with-your-life-and-stop-wasting-time technique. You can either convince the target of your rage that they are wrong, causing them to rethink their opinions, or you can work them into a rabid frenzy of hatred and bile, then watch them destroy themselves as they paste your work up for all and make them look like a dickhead as they try to ruin it with weak, irrational arguments. Either way, there are some simple things you need to avoid in order to win.
Language. Communicate in theirs. If they from England, write your email in English. If they're not English, either learn their language or find someone who knows it to translate for you. Two exceptions to this are French and American. When sending hate mail to the French, especially French Canadians, use Babelfish or a similar online translator to convert from English to French. The result will be a nightmarish mess and will cause said Frenchman to instantly devolve into mindless rage. Against an American, be sure to use the King's English. It causes them pain to read and know they can't argue against without looking like total pillocks. If you happen to be American, adopt the King's English. Not only is it useful for hate mail directed against other Americans, it also sets you a level above your ignorant, unwashed, stinking countrymen. Along with regular showers.
Avoid arguments about intelligence. Never make the assumption that you're hating an imbecile. Even if you're up against terrible page layout, poor grammar and rambling arguments that go nowhere, do not bring intelligence into it. The moment you mention "Your IQ is totally double digits, while mine is totally Mensa level, I operate so far beyond you that you're like an insect to me", you lose. Aside from the point being totally irrelevant, it makes you look like an idiot. Nobody likes an elitist, so the easiest way to get to mockery central is make yourself look like one and the fastest way is to mention IQ.
I don't see you doing any better. Most of the time, your ire will be directed at a critic. Some self-righteous clod whom, despite never participated in the event/activity/ideal they are criticising, enjoys nothing more than to spend their time nitpicking and critiquing a particular subject. Calling them out on this is another way of either raising the white flag or taking a good verbal kicking, depending on how nice the critic in question is to people who state the obvious. Either way, you lose, so avoid it. Unless the critic does claim to have partaken in said activity and you can prove that they have not. This one is a risky argument that requires actual evidence to back up your claim.
Subcultures. A lot of the time, your hate mail will be in defence of the particular subculture you identify most closely with, whether it be Ghetto, Goth or Furry. Remember the old adage, "The best defence is a good offence." Do not make any mention to how people who conform to your subculture are totally unique. Never use the, "We have every right to do what we like in our free time" argument. Finally, I refer to my previous mention of intelligence. You may have a piece of paper pulled out of your arse that says that Snake-Handling Skydivers are more intelligent than average people. Now re-read that last sentence. It doesn't make sense, does it? Unless you're a snake-handling skydiver, of course. This applies to all subcultures, regardless of the physical risk they put themselves in. Instead, find their subculture and attack it, aiming for the reduce them to mindless rage outcome.
Godless Corporations. The final point for today. Don't defend a corporation. Ever. They have PR and Legal departments for that. Unless they are giving you cash/freebies to waste the time of their detractors with hate mail, don't bother. The minute the thick scent of unpaid lackey or fanboy is detected, the rest of your arguments fall apart like a leper in a wind tunnel.
So there you go, some helpful hints at winning the pointless internet war. Said points also equally apply to flames/forum posts, too. So now that you have a better idea how it's done, don't do it.
There's two ways you can win at hate mail, not including the get-on-with-your-life-and-stop-wasting-time technique. You can either convince the target of your rage that they are wrong, causing them to rethink their opinions, or you can work them into a rabid frenzy of hatred and bile, then watch them destroy themselves as they paste your work up for all and make them look like a dickhead as they try to ruin it with weak, irrational arguments. Either way, there are some simple things you need to avoid in order to win.
Language. Communicate in theirs. If they from England, write your email in English. If they're not English, either learn their language or find someone who knows it to translate for you. Two exceptions to this are French and American. When sending hate mail to the French, especially French Canadians, use Babelfish or a similar online translator to convert from English to French. The result will be a nightmarish mess and will cause said Frenchman to instantly devolve into mindless rage. Against an American, be sure to use the King's English. It causes them pain to read and know they can't argue against without looking like total pillocks. If you happen to be American, adopt the King's English. Not only is it useful for hate mail directed against other Americans, it also sets you a level above your ignorant, unwashed, stinking countrymen. Along with regular showers.
Avoid arguments about intelligence. Never make the assumption that you're hating an imbecile. Even if you're up against terrible page layout, poor grammar and rambling arguments that go nowhere, do not bring intelligence into it. The moment you mention "Your IQ is totally double digits, while mine is totally Mensa level, I operate so far beyond you that you're like an insect to me", you lose. Aside from the point being totally irrelevant, it makes you look like an idiot. Nobody likes an elitist, so the easiest way to get to mockery central is make yourself look like one and the fastest way is to mention IQ.
I don't see you doing any better. Most of the time, your ire will be directed at a critic. Some self-righteous clod whom, despite never participated in the event/activity/ideal they are criticising, enjoys nothing more than to spend their time nitpicking and critiquing a particular subject. Calling them out on this is another way of either raising the white flag or taking a good verbal kicking, depending on how nice the critic in question is to people who state the obvious. Either way, you lose, so avoid it. Unless the critic does claim to have partaken in said activity and you can prove that they have not. This one is a risky argument that requires actual evidence to back up your claim.
Subcultures. A lot of the time, your hate mail will be in defence of the particular subculture you identify most closely with, whether it be Ghetto, Goth or Furry. Remember the old adage, "The best defence is a good offence." Do not make any mention to how people who conform to your subculture are totally unique. Never use the, "We have every right to do what we like in our free time" argument. Finally, I refer to my previous mention of intelligence. You may have a piece of paper pulled out of your arse that says that Snake-Handling Skydivers are more intelligent than average people. Now re-read that last sentence. It doesn't make sense, does it? Unless you're a snake-handling skydiver, of course. This applies to all subcultures, regardless of the physical risk they put themselves in. Instead, find their subculture and attack it, aiming for the reduce them to mindless rage outcome.
Godless Corporations. The final point for today. Don't defend a corporation. Ever. They have PR and Legal departments for that. Unless they are giving you cash/freebies to waste the time of their detractors with hate mail, don't bother. The minute the thick scent of unpaid lackey or fanboy is detected, the rest of your arguments fall apart like a leper in a wind tunnel.
So there you go, some helpful hints at winning the pointless internet war. Said points also equally apply to flames/forum posts, too. So now that you have a better idea how it's done, don't do it.
