I have a project due for my AP Language class. All you have to do is write a satirical skit, essay, short story, whatever. I wrote an essay, but I'm not so sure about it. If you have the time to read it, any feedback would be appreciated (provided it's at all useful).
In it, I make fun of (some very briefly):
-The authority parents allow teachers; parents shirking responsibility.
-Patriotism.
-Lack of self-awareness/ hypocrisy.
-Not questioning the things you take issue with.
-Ridiculous/ extreme solutions to the perceived problem.
-Discrimination.
-Ignorance of religion of others.
-Ignorance of religion of your own.
I don't mind if you disagree with what I'm saying, but rather than contest me on it (there are plenty of other places to do that), I'm really just looking for some literary criticism.
EDIT: I have yet to write a concluding paragraph. Also, if this is the wrong forum, inform me and I will go elsewhere.
Ladies, gentlemen, esteemed colleagues; I come to you today to present an issue that weighs very heavily on my conscience, with hope that you might share the burden with me, for I cannot go much longer bearing it alone. It is a matter of utmost importance, one which threatens to shake America to its very core. It challenges the Christian values we as a nation hold dear; it compromises the sanctity of our children; it jeopardizes the integrity of our country at large. Because the U.S. census does not collect religious data, it's difficult to get a hard number. The statistics fluctuate between PBS and USA Today, but all parties seem to agree that there are at least a few million Muslims living in the United States, and the population is growing all the time.
I understand that this news can be very distressing to behold, and I regret to inform you that it only worsens as it sinks in. I, for example, did not think much of it when I first heard. However, as time passed, the terrifying seeds sown in me began to bloom. I find sleep to be very elusive as of late, and whatever of it I can nick is spoiled; I am plagued with nightmares, and I constantly wake in a cold sweat from fear. I find myself suspicious of everyone around me. I go pale when I see my wife wearing a towel to dry her hair. I nearly have a heart attack every time somebody says the word "crayon."
I am haunted by the thought of these terrorists being among us, and I came to realize that if we do not do something about it, it will soon be me being among them. I waited and waited, anticipating the day that somebody would take a stand against the Muslim scourge, and that nobody did was a great source of concern for me. I could not keep my mind away from the subject, and from what I can only conclude to be divine intervention, it suddenly occurred to me that as a Christian and as an American, I should take on that responsibility for myself; and so I have.
I have mulled over the topic, turned it this way and that way, and considered it at length for several months. It baffled me that a religion that proselytizes murder and rape and slavery could possibly gain such a following. What about this evil doctrine could possibly be so enticing, so hypnotic? What seduction from this wicked and forked tongue inveigles and entangles men, baits them and lures them in? I eventually reached the conclusion that Muslims recruit people from a young age through indoctrination. They exploit the malleability of children and manipulate their pliable minds. It's a despicable act of cunning, and one which is difficult to contest; but having dedicated myself to this cause, I was determined to find out how exactly they are doing it.
Ladies and gentlemen, I hate terrorists more than anything in the world, but I will give credit where credit is due: These Muslims are crafty. It took me a long time to pinpoint how exactly they were conditioning our children to value Islam over Christianity. They could not do it openly, lest they catch the public eye and get shut down. It took months of critical deduction; I truly left no stone left unturned. They hid their dirty little secret very well indeed; if I was thinking as intensely as I was about the whereabouts of El Dorado, I suspect I would have taken less time to find it. The trick is so masterfully executed that it might even demand applause were it not so underhanded. It was buried so deep I could feel the heat of the Earth's core as I uncovered it, but rest assured, it has been uncovered:
"Quran" scores better than "Bible" in Scrabble.
Think carefully, you know it to be true. Bible scores a respectable 9 points, but that pales in comparison to Qur'an 14. Scrabble is one of the first boardgames our children are introduced to. Of the hundreds of millions of sets sold worldwide, America is responsible for purchasing between one and two million annually. It disguises itself as an innocent game for children, but I today unveil it to truly be an indoctrination device crafted by secret Muslim Alfred Mosher Butts. It subtly conditions our nation's youth to favour the Qur'an over the Bible, and therefore, Islam over Christianity.
I have done a service to you today by bringing this fact to light; and while your minds, which by now must be rife with horror as the truth of the situation dawns on you, race to find solutions to this issue, I ask you to remain calm. I am all too familiar with how numbingly colossal the predicament before us is, and it is even with this understanding that I offer you assurance and ask you to rest easy: for I have already devised a way we can counteract.
In order for my plan to work, I turn to those responsible for the youth of the nation; the ones in charge of teaching them right from wrong, promoting a solid work ethic, instilling in them the values America holds dear, and imparting upon them tradition and heritage. I call upon those who instruct, mentor, and guide our nation's posterity; those who we trust to mould our progeny and give direction to their potential; those who raise our children: The public school system.
With but a few changes to our schools' policies and curriculum, we can effectively combat this wave of anti-Christian propaganda. The new rules I propose are slight, barely noticeable even, cost-effective, and very easy to implement; it truly is just a matter of doing it. For the sake of the children, America, and God, I propose the following be implemented immediately:
1: Ban Scrabble
This is our top priority. Even if all of my other proposals are rejected, it is imperative that this evil brainwashing tool is eradicated from America. I ask this of you on behalf of the next generation of Americans, who suffer most from its vile conditioning.
2: Teach Christianity in Schools
Under the banner of secularism, the terrorists have been pulling Jesus out of the classroom. This neglect of our Lord and Saviour means that our kids only have one day a week to properly worship Him. This lack of God's presence is damaging, and it is with these adulterated souls that people turn to Islam for guidance; guidance which they should be receiving from Jesus, in school. This rejection of Christ, this idea of secularism, is not only anti-God, but also anti-America. There's a reason "In God We Trust" is on our money; because we are "One Nation, Under God."
3. Replace Paper Towels with Air Driers
What characteristics could be ascribed to a towel that do not also apply to a turban? A towel is a turban; turbans are practically synonymous with Islam; therefore, promoting the use of towels is directly averse to creating a Muslim-free world. Of course, we cannot prohibit towels outright; that would be silly. However, we must remove them at least from schools, where they might accidentally impart Muslim influence. There aren't typically many traditional towels in a school outside of a Foods room; but there are paper towels in the bath and classrooms. If a towel is a turban, then a paper towel is also a paper turban. Now, I know that using air driers instead of paper towels would, as an unfavourable side effect, be more environmental, and consequently more liberal, but you can't make an omelet without cracking a few eggs.
I understand that this news can be very distressing to behold, and I regret to inform you that it only worsens as it sinks in. I, for example, did not think much of it when I first heard. However, as time passed, the terrifying seeds sown in me began to bloom. I find sleep to be very elusive as of late, and whatever of it I can nick is spoiled; I am plagued with nightmares, and I constantly wake in a cold sweat from fear. I find myself suspicious of everyone around me. I go pale when I see my wife wearing a towel to dry her hair. I nearly have a heart attack every time somebody says the word "crayon."
I am haunted by the thought of these terrorists being among us, and I came to realize that if we do not do something about it, it will soon be me being among them. I waited and waited, anticipating the day that somebody would take a stand against the Muslim scourge, and that nobody did was a great source of concern for me. I could not keep my mind away from the subject, and from what I can only conclude to be divine intervention, it suddenly occurred to me that as a Christian and as an American, I should take on that responsibility for myself; and so I have.
I have mulled over the topic, turned it this way and that way, and considered it at length for several months. It baffled me that a religion that proselytizes murder and rape and slavery could possibly gain such a following. What about this evil doctrine could possibly be so enticing, so hypnotic? What seduction from this wicked and forked tongue inveigles and entangles men, baits them and lures them in? I eventually reached the conclusion that Muslims recruit people from a young age through indoctrination. They exploit the malleability of children and manipulate their pliable minds. It's a despicable act of cunning, and one which is difficult to contest; but having dedicated myself to this cause, I was determined to find out how exactly they are doing it.
Ladies and gentlemen, I hate terrorists more than anything in the world, but I will give credit where credit is due: These Muslims are crafty. It took me a long time to pinpoint how exactly they were conditioning our children to value Islam over Christianity. They could not do it openly, lest they catch the public eye and get shut down. It took months of critical deduction; I truly left no stone left unturned. They hid their dirty little secret very well indeed; if I was thinking as intensely as I was about the whereabouts of El Dorado, I suspect I would have taken less time to find it. The trick is so masterfully executed that it might even demand applause were it not so underhanded. It was buried so deep I could feel the heat of the Earth's core as I uncovered it, but rest assured, it has been uncovered:
"Quran" scores better than "Bible" in Scrabble.
Think carefully, you know it to be true. Bible scores a respectable 9 points, but that pales in comparison to Qur'an 14. Scrabble is one of the first boardgames our children are introduced to. Of the hundreds of millions of sets sold worldwide, America is responsible for purchasing between one and two million annually. It disguises itself as an innocent game for children, but I today unveil it to truly be an indoctrination device crafted by secret Muslim Alfred Mosher Butts. It subtly conditions our nation's youth to favour the Qur'an over the Bible, and therefore, Islam over Christianity.
I have done a service to you today by bringing this fact to light; and while your minds, which by now must be rife with horror as the truth of the situation dawns on you, race to find solutions to this issue, I ask you to remain calm. I am all too familiar with how numbingly colossal the predicament before us is, and it is even with this understanding that I offer you assurance and ask you to rest easy: for I have already devised a way we can counteract.
In order for my plan to work, I turn to those responsible for the youth of the nation; the ones in charge of teaching them right from wrong, promoting a solid work ethic, instilling in them the values America holds dear, and imparting upon them tradition and heritage. I call upon those who instruct, mentor, and guide our nation's posterity; those who we trust to mould our progeny and give direction to their potential; those who raise our children: The public school system.
With but a few changes to our schools' policies and curriculum, we can effectively combat this wave of anti-Christian propaganda. The new rules I propose are slight, barely noticeable even, cost-effective, and very easy to implement; it truly is just a matter of doing it. For the sake of the children, America, and God, I propose the following be implemented immediately:
1: Ban Scrabble
This is our top priority. Even if all of my other proposals are rejected, it is imperative that this evil brainwashing tool is eradicated from America. I ask this of you on behalf of the next generation of Americans, who suffer most from its vile conditioning.
2: Teach Christianity in Schools
Under the banner of secularism, the terrorists have been pulling Jesus out of the classroom. This neglect of our Lord and Saviour means that our kids only have one day a week to properly worship Him. This lack of God's presence is damaging, and it is with these adulterated souls that people turn to Islam for guidance; guidance which they should be receiving from Jesus, in school. This rejection of Christ, this idea of secularism, is not only anti-God, but also anti-America. There's a reason "In God We Trust" is on our money; because we are "One Nation, Under God."
3. Replace Paper Towels with Air Driers
What characteristics could be ascribed to a towel that do not also apply to a turban? A towel is a turban; turbans are practically synonymous with Islam; therefore, promoting the use of towels is directly averse to creating a Muslim-free world. Of course, we cannot prohibit towels outright; that would be silly. However, we must remove them at least from schools, where they might accidentally impart Muslim influence. There aren't typically many traditional towels in a school outside of a Foods room; but there are paper towels in the bath and classrooms. If a towel is a turban, then a paper towel is also a paper turban. Now, I know that using air driers instead of paper towels would, as an unfavourable side effect, be more environmental, and consequently more liberal, but you can't make an omelet without cracking a few eggs.
In it, I make fun of (some very briefly):
-The authority parents allow teachers; parents shirking responsibility.
-Patriotism.
-Lack of self-awareness/ hypocrisy.
-Not questioning the things you take issue with.
-Ridiculous/ extreme solutions to the perceived problem.
-Discrimination.
-Ignorance of religion of others.
-Ignorance of religion of your own.
I don't mind if you disagree with what I'm saying, but rather than contest me on it (there are plenty of other places to do that), I'm really just looking for some literary criticism.
EDIT: I have yet to write a concluding paragraph. Also, if this is the wrong forum, inform me and I will go elsewhere.