Have you ever told a joke...
- Thread starter AngryPuppy
- Start date
My friends' teacher had a few that were off-color if you liked animals.
I'm not exactly sure if I'm allowed to repeat them.
I'm not exactly sure if I'm allowed to repeat them.
This joke got no laughs from my friends but maybe you will.
There was a man crying in a bar over some scotch when a older man came up to him and asked what's wrong.
"I just found my wife having sex with someone else!" he said with tears in his eyes. "I just want to get revenge somehow!"
The older man told him that he was a professional hitman, and maybe he could help him. He could kill the man for $1000 a bullet.
"Great!" The guy thought, "I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and the man in his dick!"
The old man agreed and went with the crying man to go make the kill.
Since I'm so awesome I have 3 endings to this joke.
There was a man crying in a bar over some scotch when a older man came up to him and asked what's wrong.
"I just found my wife having sex with someone else!" he said with tears in his eyes. "I just want to get revenge somehow!"
The older man told him that he was a professional hitman, and maybe he could help him. He could kill the man for $1000 a bullet.
"Great!" The guy thought, "I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and the man in his dick!"
The old man agreed and went with the crying man to go make the kill.
Since I'm so awesome I have 3 endings to this joke.
They are situated on top of the roof, and the hitman says, "So do we agree that its $1000 a bullet?" The crying man agrees, and the hitman takes out a minigun.
They are situated on top of the roof, and the man reminds the hitman about where to shoot them, "I want two shots, on in his dick, one in her head." The old man looks into his scope and says, "Looks like you'll save $1000 dollars"
They are situated on top of the roof, and they finalize the deal. "I want two shots, on in his dick, one in her head." The old man looks into the scope and says "Erm... which dick is it?"
Awww poor OP, I enjoyed that joke.
Here's a joke I told and no one laughed:
The city begins to flood, and a Christian guy waits on the roof of his house to be rescued. A guy on a raft comes up offering the Christian a ride to the nearest shelter. But the Christian replies, "No it's ok, I'm waiting for my God to save me". So the guy in the rowing boat moves on.
A few moments later a small family in a rowing boat comes along and says "Hey dude, hop in". The Christian replies, "No it's ok, I'm waiting for my God to save me". So the guy in the rowing boat moves on.
About an hour later, a life boat comes along and offers to rescue the Christian. But again the Christian rejects, "Don't worry, my God will save me". Life boat moves on. So the Christian eventually dies and goes up to heaven where he meets God. The Christian asks, "God, why didn't you come and save me?"
"What are you talking about? I tried three times already", came the reply
Here's a joke I told and no one laughed:
The city begins to flood, and a Christian guy waits on the roof of his house to be rescued. A guy on a raft comes up offering the Christian a ride to the nearest shelter. But the Christian replies, "No it's ok, I'm waiting for my God to save me". So the guy in the rowing boat moves on.
A few moments later a small family in a rowing boat comes along and says "Hey dude, hop in". The Christian replies, "No it's ok, I'm waiting for my God to save me". So the guy in the rowing boat moves on.
About an hour later, a life boat comes along and offers to rescue the Christian. But again the Christian rejects, "Don't worry, my God will save me". Life boat moves on. So the Christian eventually dies and goes up to heaven where he meets God. The Christian asks, "God, why didn't you come and save me?"
"What are you talking about? I tried three times already", came the reply
Heres a classic one but unfortunately it doesn't get much of a reaction from people that don't have two brain cells to rub together:
(This must be said as if its something that actually happened to you, not "Hey! i got a joke, listen!")
The other night i was driving home from work and there was this hitchhiker in the road, since it was pouring down with rain i decided i would be a nice guy and give him a lift. Once i pulled over i got out and helped him get his bag in the car, seriously, the bag was big and really heavy.
Anyway, we get in the car and i pull out and start driving but this guy is really quiet so i figure i'd make a bit of smalltalk and make him feel a bit more comfortable so i ask "Phew that bag was really heavy, what you got in there?" and he says "None of your fucking business" - That shut me up for a moment but now i was curious and maybe a bit annoyed so i ask him again trying to reason with him that its my car so i should really know just in case but he says again "None of your fucking business" now im getting pissed and i bug him again to tell me but he says it again so i get real pissed and kicked him out of the car and drove off.
It was only when i got home that i realised i still had his bag.
(Stop here, wait for them to ask)
Person: "So, what was in the bag?"
You: "None of your fucking business"
I said this to my little sister a while back and the punchline flew well over her head.
(This must be said as if its something that actually happened to you, not "Hey! i got a joke, listen!")
The other night i was driving home from work and there was this hitchhiker in the road, since it was pouring down with rain i decided i would be a nice guy and give him a lift. Once i pulled over i got out and helped him get his bag in the car, seriously, the bag was big and really heavy.
Anyway, we get in the car and i pull out and start driving but this guy is really quiet so i figure i'd make a bit of smalltalk and make him feel a bit more comfortable so i ask "Phew that bag was really heavy, what you got in there?" and he says "None of your fucking business" - That shut me up for a moment but now i was curious and maybe a bit annoyed so i ask him again trying to reason with him that its my car so i should really know just in case but he says again "None of your fucking business" now im getting pissed and i bug him again to tell me but he says it again so i get real pissed and kicked him out of the car and drove off.
It was only when i got home that i realised i still had his bag.
(Stop here, wait for them to ask)
Person: "So, what was in the bag?"
You: "None of your fucking business"
I said this to my little sister a while back and the punchline flew well over her head.
the worst jokes are the few that arent meant to be funny but are so dreadful that you do hope to get a laugh:
what do you call a chinese acrobat
jum ping
its crap, but crap enough to make people go "haha thats terrible"
but obviously you have bad taste jokes that really show how twisted your friends are:
what is similar between an onion and a 5 year old?
i cry when i chop them up
you dont really expect a laugh with it, but if you do you can then go on to tell more to see where their limit is
what do you call a chinese acrobat
jum ping
its crap, but crap enough to make people go "haha thats terrible"
but obviously you have bad taste jokes that really show how twisted your friends are:
what is similar between an onion and a 5 year old?
i cry when i chop them up
you dont really expect a laugh with it, but if you do you can then go on to tell more to see where their limit is
one of my personal favorites.
A priest, a rabbi, and a leprechaun walk into a bar, the leprechaun says "Oh Bejesus! I'm in the wrong joke!"
A priest, a rabbi, and a leprechaun walk into a bar, the leprechaun says "Oh Bejesus! I'm in the wrong joke!"
I lean towards british humour but the joke i told which i got nolaughs at was
A priest, rabbi and buddhist died in an unexpected car accident, all 3 went to heaven and stood at the pearly gates. St Peter approached them and said " i can see that this is not your time to die and i will send you back to earth for a fee of 5 pounds"
The buddhist searched his robe and found enough change so back down he went.
The priest not wanting to miss out on this pulled out a fiver and back down he went.
Back on earth the Priest had called a pickup truck and once it had arrived there was still no sign of the rabbi, so the buddhist said " if you give me 5 pounds i'll go back up there quick and see what's going on" so the fiver was given and he jumped in the path of a speeding lorry.
A few minutes passed and the buddhist reappeared and the priest turned and said.
"What's happened to him? he hasn't gone to hell has he or anything like that?" to which the buddhist replied " No no it's nothing like that,don't worry, He's just haggling over the price!"
Another really bad one was:
a priest, rabbi, aetheist, hindu and buddhist walk into a bar, what are the chances!
A priest, rabbi and buddhist died in an unexpected car accident, all 3 went to heaven and stood at the pearly gates. St Peter approached them and said " i can see that this is not your time to die and i will send you back to earth for a fee of 5 pounds"
The buddhist searched his robe and found enough change so back down he went.
The priest not wanting to miss out on this pulled out a fiver and back down he went.
Back on earth the Priest had called a pickup truck and once it had arrived there was still no sign of the rabbi, so the buddhist said " if you give me 5 pounds i'll go back up there quick and see what's going on" so the fiver was given and he jumped in the path of a speeding lorry.
A few minutes passed and the buddhist reappeared and the priest turned and said.
"What's happened to him? he hasn't gone to hell has he or anything like that?" to which the buddhist replied " No no it's nothing like that,don't worry, He's just haggling over the price!"
Another really bad one was:
a priest, rabbi, aetheist, hindu and buddhist walk into a bar, what are the chances!
That's cool. I didn't ask you to like it did I? Everyone has different tastes when it come to humor just like everything else. I was just sharing an experience. I'm sure your a gold mine of comedy and have never had this happen though, so I guess you can't relate. On a side note, Do you often post just to be rude? Or did I offend you in some way so your lashing out?jjcobra said:
