Help a bisexual dude with some relationship woes

[Gmans uncle]

Maybe I'm insane for asking for relationship advice on a forum predominantly for gamin nerds, but here it goes...

I?m a bisexual male who was in the closet for around two years, one month ago I finally decided to come out at a vigil a few other LGBT students where having for Transgender day of remembrance (I'm a senior in high school by the way) they've all been very helpful and supportive as was my family, and overall I'd say that overall it went fairly well.

But that isn't my problem.

See, among the vast cornucopia of reasons I decided to come out (of which there are far too many to list here) was that for once one of the guys I had a crush on was actually gay. In other words, for the first time having an actual relationship with one of the males I've had strong feelings for was actually a feasible possibility in the real world. This was a first for me, and I didn't want to let the opportunity slide.

So after I had first came out, and after the initial shock period was more or less over, I started deciding on how I would ask him out, the initial asking, what we would do, what I should say, etc. After a while I thought I had my courage worked up and I literally was going to ask him the next day...

Then I met his boyfriend...

In real life, I reacted completely nonchalant, introduced myself, acted politely, etc...

Inside I felt like someone had just stabbed me in the heart...

His boyfriend's a pretty nice guy; we actually started hanging out a little ourselves, (he's Bi as well by the way, if that matters) but that doesn't change the fact that one of my only real hopes for romance before leaving high school had been all but dashed. There really aren't any girls or other gay/ bi guys in the general area I actually see having a relationship with me (with one potential exception), and from the looks of things the two of them aren't breaking up any time soon.

The worst part is I feel like an absolute jerk for hoping for the two of them to break up, I really care about this guy, and I've got absolutely nothing against his BF, I don't wish anything bad upon either of them, and I should just be happy that he's happy.

So how 'bout it Escapists? What should I do? Should I just move on and be happy for them? Should I remain a close friend and keep myself open just in case? Am I a jerk? Am I wasting valuable forum space? What?

PS: I couldn't think of a very good title for this, so I went with one that's kinda dumb, any suggestions on a better one?

 

[sms_117b]

You are normal for thinking all those things.

Keep close as a friend, don't try and break them up, if you're truly their (or his friend) if anything you'll be a shoulder to cry on and help keep them together if they're happy with each other (as much as it sucks).

So move on romantically, but keep friends close, good ones are few and far between.

 

[Rin Little]

Those are all perfectly normal reactions. I'm pretty sure everyone gets that initial wish that a crush would break up with their significant other to give you a shot, so long as you don't act on it and keep dwelling on it, that's the key. Remaining a friend is your decision, if you think you can behave yourself and be a good friend then go for it. But if it's going to hurt too much, then cut the ties and don't worry about it.

And as far as feeling like there's no one around to be a potential romantic interest, I feel your pain there. I'm in the same spot with the place I'm living in, but I don't have much choice for right now. Just kick back for a while, you never know who you'll meet and how you and others will change.

 

[Kynreave]

Move on, you don't have to be happy for them or even remain good friends. I understand that you may feel various things, irrational feelings of betrayal, but honestly nothing good can come over fretting about it.

My advice, look at the positives. Even though you never had a relationship with him you came out of the closet which has to be a good outcome, as from my impression you feel extremely happy about it being open. You now have a (small, I read your post about coming out a while ago) support network for your sexuality and you should feel glad that this person has unintentionally given you the courage to make that happen.

I hope this helps.

 

[Robert632]

Maybe I'm insane for asking for relationship advice on a forum predominantly for gamin nerds, but here it goes...

I?m a bisexual male who was in the closet for around two years, one month ago I finally decided to come out at a vigil a few other LGBT students where having for Transgender day of remembrance (I'm a senior in high school by the way) they've all been very helpful and supportive as was my family, and overall I'd say that overall it went fairly well.

But that isn't my problem.

See, among the vast cornucopia of reasons I decided to come out (of which there are far too many to list here) was that for once one of the guys I had a crush on was actually gay. In other words, for the first time having an actual relationship with one of the males I've had strong feelings for was actually a feasible possibility in the real world. This was a first for me, and I didn't want to let the opportunity slide.

So after I had first came out, and after the initial shock period was more or less over, I started deciding on how I would ask him out, the initial asking, what we would do, what I should say, etc. After a while I thought I had my courage worked up and I literally was going to ask him the next day...

Then I met his boyfriend...

In real life, I reacted completely nonchalant, introduced myself, acted politely, etc...

Inside I felt like someone had just stabbed me in the heart...

His boyfriend's a pretty nice guy; we actually started hanging out a little ourselves, (he's Bi as well by the way, if that matters) but that doesn't change the fact that one of my only real hopes for romance before leaving high school had been all but dashed. There really aren't any girls or other gay/ bi guys in the general area I actually see having a relationship with me (with one potential exception), and from the looks of things the two of them aren't breaking up any time soon.

The worst part is I feel like an absolute jerk for hoping for the two of them to break up, I really care about this guy, and I've got absolutely nothing against his BF, I don't wish anything bad upon either of them, and I should just be happy that he's happy.

So how 'bout it Escapists? What should I do? Should I just move on and be happy for them? Should I remain a close friend and keep myself open just in case? Am I a jerk? Am I wasting valuable forum space? What?

PS: I couldn't think of a very good title for this, so I went with one that's kinda dumb, any suggestions on a better one?

Just be happy for them, don't break them up, etc. Really, just act the way you've been acting.

As for the bolded statement, mind elaborating?

 

[Gmans uncle]

Move on, you don't have to be happy for them or even remain good friends. I understand that you may feel various things, irrational feelings of betrayal, but honestly nothing good can come over fretting about it.

My advice, look at the positives. Even though you never had a relationship with him you came out of the closet which has to be a good outcome, as from my impression you feel extremely happy about it being open. You now have a (small, I read your post about coming out a while ago) support network for your sexuality and you should feel glad that this person has unintentionally given you the courage to make that happen.

I hope this helps.

I am much happier being open
Those 2 years in the closet did some damage to my mental health and now that I've discovered that I had such an understanding group of friends the whole time, and that my parents are as accepting as they are, well it feels a little silly that I kept it hidden for so long (yes, I'm well aware that that's a relatively short time considering, but it felt like forever to me) Thank you for the advise though.

There really aren't any girls or other gay/ bi guys in the general area I actually see having a relationship with me (with one potential exception)

Just be happy for them, don't break them up, etc. Really, just act the way you've been acting.

As for the bolded statement, mind elaborating?

erm... it seemed fairly self explanatory to me, I can't really think of any other people I'm in direct contact with that I can foresee having a romantic relationship with; don't get me wrong I have many friends, 99.9% of whom are girls, and there are a few people whom if he or she where to ask ME out than I would defiantly say yes, but I just don't see that happening.

Also, I would never think of "breaking them up" I care about him way too much to do anything like that. I guess I'll just remain friends and move on, maybe I'll meet someone else, maybe things'll change, who knows, but I'm optimistic.

 

[jacilon]

I normally tell my friends this quote when things like this happens.
"Throw away, find another, upgrade, be satisfied, repeat"

It always cheers them up

 

[geK0]

I suppose the fact that it's a gay couple opens up the possibility of you joining in (polyamourism); but I wouldn't count on them being open to that.
I suppose you could just stay friends; confessing your feelings IS an option, but be prepared for drama and awkwardness if that is your decision. I wouldn't recommend it.

There's always other fish in the sea though; leave yourself open and flirt a little, you might be pleasantly surprised when you find somebody.

best of luck.

 

[Sporky111]

Well if you're friends with them, that's great. I'm a gay man, and I find that hanging out with other gays tends to bring you into contact with more and more. If you like them, stick around. They might break up, or not. Or you might meet some friend of theirs who you like down the road.

The end of high school is not the end of your life. Quite the opposite, in fact. You'll probably have much better prospects for a relationship once you're out of the social cesspool of grade school.

 

[gorfias]

Maybe I'm insane for asking for relationship advice on a forum predominantly for gamin nerds, but here it goes...

I am kinda an old guy, yet, in raising my kids and dealing with a lot of crap myself, I find nerds similar to myself often very insightful (often within this forum). Don't knock'em.

In my mind, the best lovers are simply our good/best friends we have sex with. Hang with people you like being around. Be polite in your life understanding that, just cause you are friends with someone you'd enjoy having sex with doesn't mean that's the right thing to do.

(I'm married. There are many, many women in my life I am good friends with and would enjoy sex with, but it would be rude to my wife so I don't do it.)

As I wrote, enjoy your friendships for what they are. If a "sex window" opens up, great. If not, remember the people in your life are people with feelings and sensibilities and respect them.

Even if you are just friends with someone you are attracted to, try to embrace how fortunate you are to have them in your life at any level.

Sounds like you have a fun life. Too many people you appreciate in your life beats the hell out of not enough.

 

[Angie7F]

I normally tell my friends this quote when things like this happens.
"Throw away, find another, upgrade, be satisfied, repeat"

It always cheers them up

I love your quote!