Help me!

[Hey Joe]

Here's the game people.

Imagine yourself a quite successful columnist when your editor pulls you into his office and puts you on the advice column! If it helps you get into the mood, you have a cat named Mr Bigglesworth and you live alone in a tiny apartment in London.

Anyhow, your mission is to give advice to other escapists. You will answer the question that is posed above, and then ask one of your own.

Feel free to give each other names in your questions/answers

QUESTION

Dear Jugurtha,

I have recently started a fitness program with my girlfriend in an effort to get some more time with her and get fit at the same time. We're strict Catholics so sex is out of the question, but I've found recently that while I've been making huge strides forward she's still floundering behind.

Should I skip ahead for the sake of my fitness or stay behind to save our relationship?

 

[Labyrinth]

Dear Escapee.

I do not believe that you will need to stay behind for your partner's sake. Clearly, as the Lord loves his flock so much, he will grant your girlfriend the strength and dignity to keep up, despite your clear superiority due to masculine strength.

However, if the Holy Father does judge her unworthy of such a gift, she is not worth your while, and should be left immediately for the sake of self-betterment with a more deserving vassal of God.

Yours in faith,
Jugurtha


Hey there, Monera.

I was sifting through a stack of old papers today when I came across one which, when folded twice across then twisted clockwise, portrayed a prominent female politician felating what appeared to be a gun barrel.

Is my concern that this is a sign of her eminent death warranted, and should I act accordingly with the celebration plans?

Yours truly,
Rickmaff Wiggley the 3rd of Kannahooka.

 

[Hey Joe]

Now ask a question for the next person

 

[Labyrinth]

Actually, I hit the Post button by accident, and have since fixed it. Enjoy.

 

[Anarchemitis]

Awesome. I like this thread already.

Dear Escapee

While it is of the utmost importance that Darwin awards are given appropriately, death of a member of the female persuasion via suicide may cause dramatic increases in followings to Extremist Feminist Terrorists Against Gamers (EFTGs), which is a very bad thing.
Therefore the only course of action is to move to Canada.
Glad I could comply,
..
Monera?

Dear Slartibartfastina:
I can never get any internet cookies, no matter how awesome I am! Can you help me?

[No name, nor return address]

 

[Labyrinth]

Dear Slartibartfastina:
I can never get any internet cookies, no matter how awesome I am! Can you help me?

[No name, nor return address]

Dear Unknown.

As it is clear to me that your browser is a heap of fail, there is only one route available to you. Go forth and learn C++ along with HTML and other coding systems. Create your own browser, with the automatic Cookie plug-in. Employ this for Win.

Yours in solidarity,
P. Earl


Dear Heffalump Help-desk.

My son of three years has yet to develop the enormous ears that the rest of my family is so proud of. We are concerned that he is a deficit in the species, and will be removed by the Gene Pool Police. Have you any advice for what we may do in this event?

Kind regards,
Worried mother.

Note: Monera is the biological Kingdom including bacteria and other Prokaryotic organisms. This has since been divided into Bacteria, Archaea, and Eukarya for the newest systems of classification.

 

[The Sorrow]

Dear Worried mother:
As the rest of your family has all developed such ears, it is obvious that he is actually not your child. You must have slept with an unknown person after one crazy night.
Be on the lookout for the tiny-eared adulterer. You know what to do when you meet him.

Sincerely, the Heffalump Help-desk.



Dear Committee for the Retaining of Amazing Perception (CRAP),

I was talking with one of my dearest companions, and he revealed to me that he was, in fact, gay. After I politely asked what it was like to be an abomination, he punched me in the face.
What did I do wrong?

With love,
Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern -schplenden -schlitter -crasscrenbon -fried -digger -dangle -dungle -burstein -von -knacker -thrasher -apple -banger -horowitz -ticolensic -grander -knotty -spelltinkle -grandlich -grumblemeyer -spelterwasser -kürstlich -himbleeisen -bahnwagen -gutenabend -bitte -eine -nürnburger -bratwustle -gerspurten -mit -zweimache -luber -hundsfut -gumberaber -shönendanker -kalbsfleisch -mittler -raucher von Hautkopft of Ulm. To do justice to this man, thought by many to be the greatest name in German Baroque music, we present a profile of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern -schplenden -schlitter -crasscrenbon -fried -digger -dangle -dungle -burstein -von -knacker - thrasher -apple -banger -horowitz -ticolensic -grander -knotty -spelltinkle -grandlich -grumblemeyer -spelterwasser - kurstlich -himbleeisen -bahnwagen -gutenabend -bitte -ein -nürnburger -bratwustle -gerspurten -mit -zweimache - auuber -hundsfut -gumberaber -shönendanker-kalbsfleisch -mittler -aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm.

 

[Birras]

Dear Johann McReallylongnameface

From your decription, I have found many faults, the primary being that you did not ask him what he would do for a Klondike bar.

Hope this helps-
Co-Help desk secretary for CRAP

Dear Top Hat Association,

After reading your pamphlet and noticing that the bowler, fedora, and trilby hats have become acceptable in your association, I have to ask. What about the humble flat cap? Please explain why the simple flat cap has yet to join your elite ranks of hats.

-Birras, hat enthusiast

 

[Ultrajoe]

Dear Birras,

Our dear chairman, Lord Funkleberry, was once assaulted, burned, raped, had his kneecaps shot out, run over, blown up, had a postman inserted into him, was launched into space, shaved, punched, tackled, licked, broken, taped, flayed, electrocuted, grated over a massive cheese grater and then glued back together with the paste of his wifes remains by a flat cap.

Hence, he was reluctant to accept anything but very tall flat caps. Making them, of course, not flat.

Sincerely, Sir Lord Duke Bottinglyton the 5th
-----

Dear high council of terra.

As a mutant, i am constantly oppressed and beaten down by the harsh prejudice you inspire in my peers. I was walking down the street the other day when i saw a great big poster encouraging passers by to 'Burn the Mutant'. I've half a mind to come down there and give you three stiff middle fingers. This government funded hate is frankly disgusting, the Tau would never stand for it, i've half a mind to emigrate there.

All i'm asking for is the right to walk the streets like any other citizen, and not get weird looks in church because i have a thing for the Emperor.

What, he's studly.

Sincerely, Glortch, Hab unit 4, 56 street, Green level, Arcanis Hive, Terbis prime, Vordis System, Sector 5.

 

[Fire Daemon]

Dear Glortch.

Us at the High Council of Terra understand your situation and we wish it to be know that while we may want you to die pathetically like the wretched, filth encrusted abomination that you are we don't wish for you to feel any anger towards the Imperium of Man. As such, we are sending the Inquisitorial Fleet "Emperors Divine Judgment" to virus bomb you and any others you may have influenced in Sector 5 with your false teachings, lies and propaganda. We hope that this death will appease any resentment you may hold for the Imperium and hopefully will force you to cease any Heretical teachings and Editorials.

If the Fleet is lost in the Warp or you some how survive the virus bombs we advise setting yourself on fire so that you may suffer the way the Emperor intended for you to do so.

Your's Sincerely.

T. Emperor.
__________________

Dear Elderly Persons magazine.

I recently read an article on nursing homes adopting the use of these "Wee's". The article informed me that these are devices that come from Japan and that they play Video Games on them. How could you not realize the dangers of this. Have you forgot that it has been known forever Videogames are devil? Have you also forgot that Japan is also the devil? Frankly, your magazine disgusts me. If I had any idea you all supported the teaching of Satan and gave his foul creations to the Elderly, I would never have bought your magazine. Oh yes, what was I saying? Oh thats right!

Yours sincerely.

Chester.

PS. Wheres my Hat?

 

[Brett Alex]

---++++++Vox-cast---open transmission---broad range---encryption level: Vermillion---Thought of the day: 'Walk softly and carry a big lascannon'---Begin Transmission++++++----
Dear Glortch,

How is Terbis Prime this time of year? I here that the hive smog positively radiates in the 4th rotation cycle. Oh and I certainly agree with you about the Emperor (have you seen the topless fold-outs of when he was still conscious? To die for) that is not the main issue is it?

While we understand that as a 'mutant' you have certain deficiencies that prevent you from integrating into normal society, there is so far nothing that can really be done to help you.

The best I can suggest is that you cast yourself out. Along with any traitors or heretics you may associate with.

Failing that, feel free to join one of the Penal Legions. Your death in the jaws of a carnifex would be an acceptable outcome for all of us I am sure.

As for your suggestion of emigrating to the Tau, I think you would be making a great mistake. Do you realise they are blue?! What kind of horrible genetic- Oh right. Mutant...

All the Best,
Grand Lord General Militant Marshall Frederick,
High Council of Terra

P.S. In case you couldn't make up your mind, I have forwarded your address and situation to the Ordo Hereticus No need to thank me. Have a nice day!
--------------------------
Dear Jenny Tailya

I read your advice column weekly and have always wanted to write in but have never had a problem worth mentioning, until now that is. I am currently writing this letter from underneath a Coca-Cola vending machine, which collapsed on me as I was trying to buy some of my favourite beverage.

I am interested in what kind of reparation I could be receiving from Coca-Cola/Amatil. Is it possible that I could get a refund for the beverage that caused the accident? I only ask this because I am rather parched and cannot reach my wallet at present time, what with my lungs slowly collapsing and all.

Yours sincerely,
Slowly Crushed to Death,

Mansfield Business Park,
27 Franklin Road
Lot 4,
Floor 2,
Under the Vending Machine

 

[Anarchemitis]

Dear Escapee.
We thank you for your continued patronage.

Sincerely Coca-Cola Company
(Enclosed is a coupon for one free 2 litre bottle of Diet Cola that expired 2 weeks ago)

Dear E.V.I.L.:

What relevance has lemons?

Signed
A Concerned Citizen.