Help Please?

[Eggsnham]

Well, I've decided to write a long story. Not just another short story.

I figure this is a good idea, as I plan to become a writer. Anyways, I know that I'm complete shit at writing novels and the like. Which is why I stuck to short stories.

Anyhoo, I would like people to critique the first chapter of my book, which takes place in the post apocalyptic world and is written in the perspective of a man writing in a journal.

Spoiler: Warning: Bad writing may cause brain damage

The following is from a Journal recovered from the Texas Crater. The Journal seems to give insight as to what caused the almost overnight change in the world population from 7 billion, to less than 1 billion in the year 2011:

It?s snowy. Then again, this is post apocalyptic New York, when is it not snowy? My name is Shawn Wilts. I?m a special agent in the New York sect of the world. If you?re reading this from the future, then I?ll fill you in on a few things.

First, the world as we knew it 300 years earlier is over. All we really know is that some country got a hold of some really powerful bombs, other countries threatened to launch their missiles if they tried to drop their bombs, things got out of hand and the world went boom. This was on December 27th, 2011. It?s December 27th, 2324 right now, exactly 313 years later and the remaining humans on Earth have tried to reestablish civilization in the still inhabitable areas of the planet. I?m currently in the New York sect, which resides in what used to be Canada. There is also a California sect, an Australian sect (which resides in post-apocalyptic South Africa), a Russian sect, An English sect and a Chinese sect. These are the last bastions of life. You?d think that would pull us together. Well, you?d be wrong to think that.

Yeah, even when there are less than a billion humans left on Earth, we still can?t peacefully coincide. It?s always something, resources, land, water. We can?t share, oh GOD no, that would be defeating of trying to set up civilization. Whatever, I?m not here for false nationalism, I?m here because I was born here and because I need to feed myself and my family.

I should get on with this now, this journal, the one that I?m writing in now, is one of the last records of human life, and I hope to God, if he?s out there, that it doesn?t stay that way.

 

[chromewarriorXIII]

Looks like a great start! My only recommendation is know how you are going to end your story. It doesn't matter if you don't know anything else, just have an ending. That way, you know what you are building towards.

 

[Undeadpope]

Warning: Bad writing may cause brain damage

Thats the spirit!
Its not bad at all,though Shawn seems very keen to play the historian,but that may be just trying to give us a brief taste of the plot without making an unclimbable wall of text.

I don't really dig the post-apocalyptic scene myself,but regerdless I think its fairly solid,and if your like me in some of my VERY casual writing,you proably have alot of history for this universe which you are just looking for a nice point to wove it in.

I tend to fail at that part,producing more of a pseudo-history book that I love reading but everyone doesnt because it was made to be gripping,it was made as the objective truth,and how it was perceived by others.

That was suppose to be encouraging *thumb up*

 

[xdgt]

Seems a bit too literate and knowledgable for a guy who was born and raised in a world that has been demolished over 300 years ago... Hell it's weird he knows anything about the world before the apocalypse, it is slightly less weird that he knows of how the apocalypse occured (but that could just be speculation and legends for all we know, so it's less problematic)

 

[NewClassic_v1legacy]

The following is from a journal recovered from the Texas Crater. The journal seems to give insight as to what caused the almost overnight change in the world population from 7 billion, to less than 1 billion in the year 2011: (The phrasing here strikes me as a little odd. "Almost overnight" seems a little awkward. Also, prefacing it like this is kind of alienating. Try having an actual printed foreword, as if it's a single journal in a published book, not just a "To the fourth wall" description.)

It's snowy. Then again, this is post apocalyptic New York, when is it not snowy? (Even though this is dialog, it's awkward. Wouldn't he say "Then again, when is it not snowing in New York. Especially after the apocalypse." or "In apocalyptic New York, is it ever sunny?" or something. The way you had it set sounds like stage direction, or setting, not someone's personal journal. Even if he was feeling exposition, he wouldn't do it mid-sentence like that. Just my take on the character, he sounds unnatural.) My name is Shawn Wilts. I'm a special agent (For whom? He's described every detail previously, why get oblique now?) in the New York sect of the world. If you're reading this from the future, then I'll fill you in on a few things. (If you're reading this from the future? Does anyone speak like that?)

First, the world as we knew it 300 years earlier is over. (Even though it's stated later, the audience is reading as if this happens in 1711.) All we really know is that some country got a hold of some really powerful bombs, other countries threatened to launch their missiles if they tried to drop their bombs, things got out of hand and the world went boom. That was on December 27th, 2011. It's December 27th, 2324 right now, exactly 313 years later and the remaining humans on Earth have tried to reestablish civilization in the still inhabitable areas of the planet. ("where it's still inhabitable"? He sounds very stiff in writing.) I'm currently in the New York sect, which resides in what used to be Canada. (How does he know the changes?) There is also a California sect, an Australian sect (which resides in post-apocalyptic South Africa), (How on Earth would he know that?) a Russian sect, an English sect, and a Chinese sect. These are the last bastions of life. You'd think that would pull us together. Well, you'd be wrong to think that.

Yeah, even when there are less than a billion humans (Humans? How robotic. "Even when there are less than a billion of us seems better.) left on Earth, we still can't peacefully coincide. It's always something, resources, land, water. We can't share, oh GOD no, that would be defeating of trying to set up civilization. (Awkwardly phrased. "That would defeat trying to set up civilization." seems a little better, but I'm not sold on that either.) Whatever, I'm not here for false nationalism, I'm here because I was born here, and because I need to feed myself and my family. (Why is he talking to the audience? How does he even know something would be reading this. Try to rationalize this in the first person, or at least make it feel more like a diary than a journal, or a narrative. Not as a spokesperson for the future.)

I should get on with this now, this journal, the one that I'm writing in now, (The word "now" is in there twice.) is one of the last records of human life, and I hope to God, if he's out there, that it doesn't stay that way.

It feels like it's addressing an audience, as if it's a TV announcer telling a story to a televised audience. Except there is no audience, this is the man's personal journal. He writes about himself and humanity in the third person, which sounds weird. Use "us" and "we" instead of "humans" and "humanity."

Too short to really comment a lot. The voice feels a little awkward, over-detailed in some places (which sects are still alive, where these sects are, the exact dates of what happened, exactly how many years ago it was), and under-detailed others (Special agent of what? Why is he even writing this journal? Pre-facing work like how it was found, why it's important, etc.). Hopefully that's helped. If you have any questions, feel free to let me know.

Warmest Regards,

 

[manythings]

I would say careful with the way you are throwing around numbers without more cement context to keep them in perspective. You said there is less that 1 billion people in 2011 and less that 1 billion in 2324. Why is there no fluctuation? A traced idea of the change in populations would be handy note, even as a chart in some sort of back of the book glossary, wouldn't be a bad idea.

Why the sects are where they are could be an interesting psuedo-history, might even be better if it is a propagandised X-sect history of how things worked out.

Be sure to hook us up with your revisions/next installment.

 

[s0denone]

In all fairness, OP, I can't critique your piece since it is essentially written by a character.

That being said, refer to NewClassic for feedback regardless. When he enters a thread, there is really little use for anyone else