Help to avoid missing an opportunity with someone!

[Blazingdragoon04]

My story is this; I have just managed to move on from a serious relationship and have started into the online dating community, and have already found someone who I consider to be pretty amazing. She seems smart, we share the same sense of humor, same love of animals, and numerous other things not listed here, yet seems different enough from me that she would be able to challenge me, help me to do things I might not do otherwise. In short, I am finding myself falling for her fast...

However, I am afraid about blowing this opportunity. We talk every day for the past 5 days online through the site. Never anything TOO deep, but still it's nice. She said that I looked cute in the very first message she ever sent to me, and keeps putting smiley faces in her messages to me, which oddly enough makes me happy even though it is so minor.

I worry about blowing it though. My confidence is still a bit shattered from my last breakup, and my current lot in life isn't exactly stellar. I would say that I am attractive, but I know I'm not the best out there. Honestly, I'm scared that someone better is also talking to her through the site, and this paranoia is biting at me, causing me to think that some ideas, such as sending her more messages before she even responds to one or rushing the prospect of meeting her in person, are good when I feel that they might not be.

It would mean a lot to me if anyone could give me some advice, or at least some words of wisdom so I do not screw this up. She seems like an amazing person, and I would hate to do anything to ruin my chances at being with someone so wonderful.

 

[Amethyst Wind]

My story is this; I have just managed to move on from a serious relationship and have started into the online dating community, and have already found someone who I consider to be pretty amazing. She seems smart, we share the same sense of humor, same love of animals, and numerous other things not listed here, yet seems different enough from me that she would be able to challenge me, help me to do things I might not do otherwise. In short, I am finding myself falling for her fast...

However, I am afraid about blowing this opportunity. We talk every day for the past 5 days online through the site. Never anything TOO deep, but still it's nice. She said that I looked cute in the very first message she ever sent to me, and keeps putting smiley faces in her messages to me, which oddly enough makes me happy even though it is so minor.

I worry about blowing it though. My confidence is still a bit shattered from my last breakup, and my current lot in life isn't exactly stellar. I would say that I am attractive, but I know I'm not the best out there. Honestly, I'm scared that someone better is also talking to her through the site, and this paranoia is biting at me, causing me to think that some ideas, such as sending her more messages before she even responds to one or rushing the prospect of meeting her in person, are good when I feel that they might not be.

It would mean a lot to me if anyone could give me some advice, or at least some words of wisdom so I do not screw this up. She seems like an amazing person, and I would hate to do anything to ruin my chances at being with someone so wonderful.

Don't get in your own way. See that you in your way? Step around that you.

You sound like you're trying to find reasons NOT to do this, rather than the reverse. Really you've got nothing to lose by asking. She says yes and you're in, she says no and it was never an option in the first place so you honestly lost nothing.

'tis tricky, especially after something that's laid you a little low, but I really think you should go for it.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

The only way to miss an opportunity is not to take it.

5 days and multiple emails is plenty to build a rapport. Ask her out on a date. *Don't dither around for weeks getting your courage up before indicating that you are interested*. I cannot stress that last point enough, and believe me I speak from LONG experience on that count. Do NOT dither around for weeks getting your courage up. The moment I started acting confident and forthright about my feelings with girls was the moment dating became "easy". Yes, I know, you're not confident. You're going to have to fake it until you are. Confidence will breed success which will breed more confidence.

Go, now! Ask that girl out on a date.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

Ask her out.
If you wait around and someone else asks her first, you'll be kicking yourself later.

 

[Vegosiux]

Ask her. If she's willing to go out with you, she'll say yes. If she's not, she'll say no. The worst thing that can happen is that you basically stay where you are, no matter what, as long as you ask her, it can't get any worse, because the worst case scenario is "things stay as they are".

But whatever you do, if you broke up recently, whatever you do, do not make this a rebound relationship. Do not try to look for what you "lost" when your last relationship ended in her. She's a new person, a new woman. If you try to look for your ex in her, that's recipe for disaster, believe me.

 

[Blazingdragoon04]

Ask her. If she's willing to go out with you, she'll say yes. If she's not, she'll say no. The worst thing that can happen is that you basically stay where you are, no matter what, as long as you ask her, it can't get any worse, because the worst case scenario is "things stay as they are".

But whatever you do, if you broke up recently, whatever you do, do not make this a rebound relationship. Do not try to look for what you "lost" when your last relationship ended in her. She's a new person, a new woman. If you try to look for your ex in her, that's recipe for disaster, believe me.

Oh god no! I would never make a relationship a rebound one. I find the entire concept of the rebound relationship to be a bit... disrespectful I guess is the best word. Some people like them, some need them. I personally would just never do that to someone.

A lot of the posts here have also been lining up with my way of thinking too, so I thank you for all of the reassurance! I have taken quite the blow to the confidence as of late, but I can definitely fake it until I make it. And my recent philosophy has been that I am more willing to take risks with asking women out, say in bars and online and stuff like that, because I know that I won't lose anything that I didn't have an hour ago, or a week ago. But trust me, I am not actively looking for ways to NOT ask her out. I am just trying to figure out how to go about it with the greatest likelihood for success. She seems awesome, and though I can say now that I'd move on if she said no, it would definitely be a decent loss for me since she is quite amazing.

 

[Blazingdragoon04]

Ugh, so, asked her to meet in person. She says that she wants to talk for a bit more, which is understandable. Then she goes into that she's a bit burned out from not having a connection with some of the other people she's met in person, so she doesn't want to meet right away. THEN she tells me that she's chatting with other guys and that this is more of a casual thing.

I don't get it, she's being very... weird. She calls me cute and seems genuinely interested in meeting me one minute, but then says I should keep chatting with other people too and that suggesting we might never want to meet up in person the next!

All these mixed signals leave me with almost no idea on how to proceed. Right now the only thing that I've managed to come up with is I'll let her make the next move, because I honestly have no idea what direction to take this in.

Continued advice and support is welcome and asked of...

 

[SonicWaffle]

Ugh, so, asked her to meet in person. She says that she wants to talk for a bit more, which is understandable. Then she goes into that she's a bit burned out from not having a connection with some of the other people she's met in person, so she doesn't want to meet right away. THEN she tells me that she's chatting with other guys and that this is more of a casual thing.

Sounds like she's stringing you along as one of several potentials. She may just like the attention of having several guys after her.

...ugh, that made me sound like a misogynist, didn't it?

I don't get it, she's being very... weird. She calls me cute and seems genuinely interested in meeting me one minute, but then says I should keep chatting with other people too and that suggesting we might never want to meet up in person the next!

All these mixed signals leave me with almost no idea on how to proceed. Right now the only thing that I've managed to come up with is I'll let her make the next move, because I honestly have no idea what direction to take this in.

Continued advice and support is welcome and asked of...

Stay friends if you want, I guess, but maybe take her advice and talk to other people too. Maybe you'll find someone you like more. You don't want to put all your eggs in one basket waiting for her to make a move, only for her to decide she prefers some other guy more.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

snip

Thanks for the update.
Talk to other people. People use dating sites for different reasons, I guess finding an actual relationship might not be hers. You should continue to talk to her in case she changes her mind when you get to know her better, but in the meantime, don't wait around for her and look for someone else.

 

[Blazingdragoon04]

Ugh, so, asked her to meet in person. She says that she wants to talk for a bit more, which is understandable. Then she goes into that she's a bit burned out from not having a connection with some of the other people she's met in person, so she doesn't want to meet right away. THEN she tells me that she's chatting with other guys and that this is more of a casual thing.

Sounds like she's stringing you along as one of several potentials. She may just like the attention of having several guys after her.

...ugh, that made me sound like a misogynist, didn't it?

I don't get it, she's being very... weird. She calls me cute and seems genuinely interested in meeting me one minute, but then says I should keep chatting with other people too and that suggesting we might never want to meet up in person the next!

All these mixed signals leave me with almost no idea on how to proceed. Right now the only thing that I've managed to come up with is I'll let her make the next move, because I honestly have no idea what direction to take this in.

Continued advice and support is welcome and asked of...

Stay friends if you want, I guess, but maybe take her advice and talk to other people too. Maybe you'll find someone you like more. You don't want to put all your eggs in one basket waiting for her to make a move, only for her to decide she prefers some other guy more.

Eh, not too misogynistic. My way of looking at it is if you can prove it through statistics, then it's not a bad stereotype, and I've met more than my fair share of women, including my ex girlfriend, who loved the attention of having multiple guys strive after her rather than just one affectionate partner. My plan is to keep talking to her, because I see no reason not too, but I'm absolutely going to let her make the next move. She said she wanted to chat online last night, but then updated her computer's OS and didn't tell me, so I kinda got left hanging. Not mad or anything, but it just felt like being strung along.

It's weird though, she really is the most interesting and cutest person I have met on the site so far; she was the one I was hoping to get back to me the most. I just feel that, at times, she doesn't really get the sincerity of that statement. I'm not really one to lie about that kind of thing.

 

[SonicWaffle]

Eh, not too misogynistic. My way of looking at it is if you can prove it through statistics, then it's not a bad stereotype, and I've met more than my fair share of women, including my ex girlfriend, who loved the attention of having multiple guys strive after her rather than just one affectionate partner. My plan is to keep talking to her, because I see no reason not too, but I'm absolutely going to let her make the next move. She said she wanted to chat online last night, but then updated her computer's OS and didn't tell me, so I kinda got left hanging. Not mad or anything, but it just felt like being strung along.

Bro, I've been in that position, and it really isn't worth it. I was in love with a girl when I was in college who kept me stringing along for years. She'd talk to me one day and then not the next, we'd arrange to meet and maybe she'd turn up or maybe she wouldn't. She had a boyfriend, but was always keeping me hooked by telling me how he was moving to Spain in the new year or some other bullshit.

Letting her make the next move puts all the power in her hands. It means she gets to decide how she makes you feel, and if she's a skilled manipulator that means she can do what she wants with you.

It's weird though, she really is the most interesting and cutest person I have met on the site so far; she was the one I was hoping to get back to me the most. I just feel that, at times, she doesn't really get the sincerity of that statement. I'm not really one to lie about that kind of thing.

Yeah, that's how they get you.

 

[Phasmal]

Ugh, so, asked her to meet in person. She says that she wants to talk for a bit more, which is understandable. Then she goes into that she's a bit burned out from not having a connection with some of the other people she's met in person, so she doesn't want to meet right away. THEN she tells me that she's chatting with other guys and that this is more of a casual thing.

I don't get it, she's being very... weird. She calls me cute and seems genuinely interested in meeting me one minute, but then says I should keep chatting with other people too and that suggesting we might never want to meet up in person the next!

All these mixed signals leave me with almost no idea on how to proceed. Right now the only thing that I've managed to come up with is I'll let her make the next move, because I honestly have no idea what direction to take this in.

Continued advice and support is welcome and asked of...

Sounds like you may be a little more invested in this than she is.
That doesn't make her bad, or stringing you along, but she sounds like she is still talking to a few other people and exploring her options and she is cool with you doing the same.
So why not, don't get stuck on one person.
Keep chatting to her, let her make the next move, but also chat with other people.

 

[Batou667]

Ugh, so, asked her to meet in person. She says that she wants to talk for a bit more, which is understandable. Then she goes into that she's a bit burned out from not having a connection with some of the other people she's met in person, so she doesn't want to meet right away. THEN she tells me that she's chatting with other guys and that this is more of a casual thing.

I don't get it, she's being very... weird. She calls me cute and seems genuinely interested in meeting me one minute, but then says I should keep chatting with other people too and that suggesting we might never want to meet up in person the next!

All these mixed signals leave me with almost no idea on how to proceed. Right now the only thing that I've managed to come up with is I'll let her make the next move, because I honestly have no idea what direction to take this in.

Continued advice and support is welcome and asked of...

Sounds to me like she's keeping her options open. I'd hazard a guess that except for the top 10% of attractive males, dating sites are very much a women's market, and as such, every woman who joins will be guaranteed a fair bit of male attention. A lot of this attention will be sleazy guys straight-out fishing for sexual encounters. It sounds like she's trying to avoid those types, and ascertaining that you're not one of those guys in disguise.

Carry on chatting with her. Keep being charming, interesting and funny. But don't become prematurely attached or needy - remember, the image you currently have of her is 90% constructed in your own mind. You're not "falling for her", you're falling for the idea of a perfect woman. Basically, don't put her on a pedestal. Actually I'd recommend you follow her method and start looking around for other women to chat with as well - choice is a very powerful thing.

You're a great guy, right? She'd be lucky to have you, right? Right. So don't sell yourself short.

 

[Blazingdragoon04]

Ugh, so, asked her to meet in person. She says that she wants to talk for a bit more, which is understandable. Then she goes into that she's a bit burned out from not having a connection with some of the other people she's met in person, so she doesn't want to meet right away. THEN she tells me that she's chatting with other guys and that this is more of a casual thing.

I don't get it, she's being very... weird. She calls me cute and seems genuinely interested in meeting me one minute, but then says I should keep chatting with other people too and that suggesting we might never want to meet up in person the next!

All these mixed signals leave me with almost no idea on how to proceed. Right now the only thing that I've managed to come up with is I'll let her make the next move, because I honestly have no idea what direction to take this in.

Continued advice and support is welcome and asked of...

Sounds to me like she's keeping her options open. I'd hazard a guess that except for the top 10% of attractive males, dating sites are very much a women's market, and as such, every woman who joins will be guaranteed a fair bit of male attention. A lot of this attention will be sleazy guys straight-out fishing for sexual encounters. It sounds like she's trying to avoid those types, and ascertaining that you're not one of those guys in disguise.

Carry on chatting with her. Keep being charming, interesting and funny. But don't become prematurely attached or needy - remember, the image you currently have of her is 90% constructed in your own mind. You're not "falling for her", you're falling for the idea of a perfect woman. Basically, don't put her on a pedestal. Actually I'd recommend you follow her method and start looking around for other women to chat with as well - choice is a very powerful thing.

You're a great guy, right? She'd be lucky to have you, right? Right. So don't sell yourself short.

This is actually something that I have been actively trying to avoid. When I was young and foolish, I had a bit of a problem with putting my crushes up on a pedestal. Not entirely sure why, it was just something I did. Now, being single for the first time in over 4 and a half years, I find I need to put effort into falling into my old habits. I've been trying to not hold her up to some extreme standard, since it's both immature on my part and not fair to her.

I just don't like being told I have competition; it puts me off since I've had problems with confidence for a long time. Plus, even my old girlfriend seemed to make me "compete" for her attention despite being together for 4 years, and it really made me feel crappy about myself.

I will certainly keep talking to her, and try to expand my choices. Haha, as most of you have pointed out though, I don't have any options out of choice. I have been emailing other people, it's just that dating sites are certainly a woman's market and none of the other people, between 30-40 of them, have gotten back to me.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

Ugh, so, asked her to meet in person. She says that she wants to talk for a bit more, which is understandable. Then she goes into that she's a bit burned out from not having a connection with some of the other people she's met in person, so she doesn't want to meet right away. THEN she tells me that she's chatting with other guys and that this is more of a casual thing.

I don't get it, she's being very... weird. She calls me cute and seems genuinely interested in meeting me one minute, but then says I should keep chatting with other people too and that suggesting we might never want to meet up in person the next!

All these mixed signals leave me with almost no idea on how to proceed. Right now the only thing that I've managed to come up with is I'll let her make the next move, because I honestly have no idea what direction to take this in.

Continued advice and support is welcome and asked of...

That's not a mixed signal. That's a rejection.

Either she met someone else, or she re-evaluated you at some point and decided she lacked interest.

I know you liked this girl, but I'd cut my losses and move on, were I you.

Eh, not too misogynistic. My way of looking at it is if you can prove it through statistics, then it's not a bad stereotype, and I've met more than my fair share of women, including my ex girlfriend, who loved the attention of having multiple guys strive after her rather than just one affectionate partner.

Those aren't statistics. That's anecdotal experience colored by confirmation bias. I can assure you that EVERYONE, male or female, likes the feeling of having multiple people interested in them.

It's weird though, she really is the most interesting and cutest person I have met on the site so far; she was the one I was hoping to get back to me the most. I just feel that, at times, she doesn't really get the sincerity of that statement. I'm not really one to lie about that kind of thing.

Your sincerity isn't really relevant to the situation one way or the other. You're basically asking "How can she not be interested in me when I'm clearly super interested in her", as if the only metric we ever used to gauge interest in another person was how interested they were in us.

This is just dating man. Rejection comes with the territory. The fact that online dating provides us with numerous potential people to interact with just allows us to be more fickle and flaky than we might otherwise be, and interacting online gives us many opportunities to be cowards about being up front with people when we're not interested. So instead of just ripping the band aid off, we get to dither around and act evasive until they lose interest.

If you're bummed out and want a good object lesson in girls who seem perfect but aren't go watch 500 Days of Summer.

 

[Blazingdragoon04]

She bailed. Seemed to be a lot less into it than I was. Kinda called me out on trying to get to know her, seemed to be put off that I'd actually be interested in talking to her.

Thanks for the help everyone. Maybe I'll have better luck next time...

 

[Vegosiux]

She bailed. Seemed to be a lot less into it than I was. Kinda called me out on trying to get to know her, seemed to be put off that I'd actually be interested in talking to her.

Well, now that's a bit of a dick move if she's blaming you for her own disinterest. Ah well, that's life, just keep doing your stuff, really.

And don't obsess over it, really. Never a good idea to feel pressured like you "have" to find a relationship.