Help with motivation and depression

[manic_depressive13]

Hello internet- my anonymous refuge.

This is sort of embarrassing for me, but I don't know where else I can go.

Okay, so recently I've found it virtually impossible to motivate myself to do anything. University has barely started and I'm already falling behind on my work. I just don't care. I'm actually quite grateful for this apathy because I used to get really anxious when deadlines loomed, which was not a nice feeling, but now I'm having difficulty feeling anything at all and I suspect it may bite me in the ass a bit later on, if I live that long.

Which brings me to my next problem. I think I'm depressed. I say 'think' because I've been to see two counsellors since I've started struggling and they told me I'm fine. The thing is that whenever I try to talk about my problems I laugh a lot. I guess I can't really expect people to take me seriously when I can't even take myself seriously. I feel like an idiot trying to explain myself so I tend to gloss over things. I guess I feel guilty for being such a miserable piece of shit since there are people who have it worse than me. I therefore felt the need to validate myself by cutting myself up.

I'm typing this with tissues sticky taped to my wrists as makeshift bandages to avoid ruining the sheets. I'm a poor man's suicidal. I even sterilised the knife. I have a boyfriend but I find it hard to talk to him about my stupid crap, mostly because I'm ashamed but also because I don't want to upset him. I've heard stories about people wanting to leave their boyfriends/girfriends, but they're afraid they'll kill themselves. My boyfriend is one of those overly emotional people who cares when others die, and I don't ever want him to feel obligated to stay with me. I feel guilty as hell for asking him out to begin with. I don't know what I was thinking. He deserves better than me.

I'm not really sure what to do. Maybe I should just take the hint and end this stupid charade. I'm not going to keep chasing after psycholgists in the hopes that one of them will notice I need help when I can just die. Please just distract me for a bit.

 

[JesterRaiin]

I'm not really sure what to do. Maybe I should just take the hint and end this stupid charade. I'm not going to keep chasing after psycholgists in the hopes that one of them will notice I need help when I can just die. Please just distract me for a bit.

Life is shit, world is cruel, people are vicious, and there's no real reason to build something solid for long. BUT ! Maaaaaaaaaaan, it's like with game you love to hate. You can't find the reason, but you still play it.

OT :
Please don't fucking do it. It's not worth it. There are so many wonderful things to see and try. Death is so... ultimate. Nothing beyond.

I'd suggest to really talk with your boyfriend. He is with you for a reason.

 

[requisitename]

I'm not sure how old you are, but that makes a difference in my advice.

If you're a minor: Tell your parents what's going on so they can get you help. Don't sugar coat, don't minimize, don't "gloss over" anything. Let them know it's serious, you're serious. You need help badly, from the sounds of it inpatient help, which only they'll be able to get for you.

If you're an adult: Call a crisis/suicide hotline and tell them what's going on. Do what they recommend. Alternatively, present yourself to an inpatient facility because you need help now. Again, be completely honest. Don't gloss over anything. They've heard it all before, you're not going to shock or disappoint them.

This is important. YOU are important.

Inpatient facilities don't fuck around. They counsel you (individually and in group), prescribe meds if you need them and intensively work on helping you feel better. They also teach life skills to cope with future problems. They aren't fun and games, but they work very well when you're suicidally depressed.

The laughing while you describe depression thing is called "inappropriate affect". It isn't uncommon. The psychologists you've seen are truly idiots if they're not familiar with it.

Inappropriate affect: "An emotional expression disharmonious in quality or intensity with the person, event, or idea that provoked it."

Good luck. Get help.

 

[Smooth Operator]

Oh you silly girl / boy / goat maybe... tho I'm not sure how they could operate knives.
Anyways what you need is to get out of your routine, don't just close up and wallow in your sorrow as it will simply perpetuate and build up, and the more you distance yourself from others the easier it gets to go further and ultimately harder to get back (I know because I've been there as a teen).

You really just got to go "fuck this shit", crack that shell and break the routine, do new things, pick up new hobbies possibly completely replace the ones you have, take your boyfriend out and about and just open up little by little, let some light shine in, your partner should be someone to lean on not a useless cupboard to avoid, and if you want to feel pain have him spank you... trust me it's alot more fun then knives.

 

[manic_depressive13]

Do they know you cut yourself up and that you want to die? I'd think that ought to worry them at least somewhat.

I might have glossed over that bit. But they weren't very nice and I just wanted to get out.

I'd really suggest not ending it. It looks bad right now, but when you get past it it'll be worth it =/

Also, overall it sounds like you really beat yourself up over things. It sounds like you feel guilty over a lot. You shouldn't, it won't help anything. You seem to put yourself down a lot, don't.

I can't help it, but thanks.

Oh you silly girl / boy / goat maybe... tho I'm not sure how they could operate knives.
Anyways what you need is to get out of your routine, don't just close up and wallow in your sorrow as it will simply perpetuate and build up, and the more you distance yourself from others the easier it gets to go further and ultimately harder to get back (I know because I've been there as a teen).

It's actually really odd that you would say that since my surname means goat in my language.

You really just got to go "fuck this shit", crack that shell and break the routine, do new things, pick up new hobbies possibly completely replace the ones you have, take your boyfriend out and about and just open up little by little, let some light shine in, your partner should be someone to lean on not a useless cupboard to avoid, and if you want to feel pain have him spank you... trust me it's alot more fun then knives.

I care about him. That's why I don't want to burden him with my nonsense. He wouldn't spank me even if I asked. He's too nice.

 

[Chromatic Aberration]

I'll be blunt: don't do anything stupid.

And if you didn't get that, that means:

[HEADING=2]Don't. fucking. kill. yourself.[/HEADING]


From my point of view it is fairly obvious that you are severely depressed. And YOU should have realized that as soon as you took those knives and decided to mutilate yourself. Furthermore, you feel guilty and afraid over it, which even made the depression as severe as it is: you went to two counselors in order to rectify the problem that you yourself know you have, only to be too afraid to tell them the true extend of the dark pit you are in. Each time you got more guilty about inconveniencing anyone with your seemingly miniscule problems and the depression got even worse. That charade you mentioned isn't about you killing yourself. Not at all. Its about you hiding. Its about you being trapped inside your own cage made out of fear, too afraid to break the chains that bind you. Even to such a degree that you would rather let yourself be suffocated by them than struggle.

That is your charade.

Now ask yourself: Why? Your boyfriend will not think less of you if you tell him - he cares about you, you know that. He WILL support you and he WON'T leave you. The same goes for your family and friends. So what are you fucking doing cutting yourself up? That ain't gonna help one bit. The only thing it does is making matters even worse.

Fight your fear. Don't let it consume you.

And furthermore, consider this:

I'm not really sure what to do. Maybe I should just take the hint and end this stupid charade. I'm not going to keep chasing after psychologists in the hopes that one of them will notice I need help when I can just die. Please just distract me for a bit.

Life is shit, world is cruel, people are vicious, and there's no real reason to build something solid for long. BUT ! Maaaaaaaaaaan, it's like with game you love to hate. You can't find the reason, but you still play it.

Sometimes its just because you want to see the next level, isn't it? I mean, look outside. Look in the sky. That beautiful azure, this incredible vastness and this unfathomable complexity of this, our world, our universe. Just look around you! All those people you do not know. All those experiences you could have, all that understanding you can get, all those choices you can make, these paths you can take.

Are you really ready to waste this?

Are you really ready to waste this, just because you are too afraid to tell anybody the true extend of how you feel?

NOTHING is worth that much.

GO. AND. GET. HELP.

TALK WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND, COUNSELLORS, PSYCHOLOGISTS, FAMILY....WHATEVER!

JUST....

[HEADING=3] GO. AND. GET. HELP [/HEADING]


...before I have to come over and drag you there if need be!

 

[manic_depressive13]

I'm not sure how old you are, but that makes a difference in my advice.

If you're an adult: Call a crisis/suicide hotline and tell them what's going on. Do what they recommend. Alternatively, present yourself to an inpatient facility because you need help now. Again, be completely honest. Don't gloss over anything. They've heard it all before, you're not going to shock or disappoint them.

This is important. YOU are important.

Inpatient facilities don't fuck around. They counsel you (individually and in group), prescribe meds if you need them and intensively work on helping you feel better. They also teach life skills to cope with future problems. They aren't fun and games, but they work very well when you're suicidally depressed.

The laughing while you describe depression thing is called "inappropriate affect". It isn't uncommon. The psychologists you've seen are truly idiots if they're not familiar with it.

Inappropriate affect: "An emotional expression disharmonious in quality or intensity with the person, event, or idea that provoked it."

Good luck. Get help.

I'm 18. My high school counsellor was the one who said I seem to be 'cheerful' and am therefore fine. She was a bit of a moron, yeah. That was several years ago.

Half the reason I'm cautious about telling the whole truth is that I don't want to be institutionalised. The very idea frightens the hell out of me.

 

[manic_depressive13]

From my point of view it is fairly obvious that you are severely depressed. And YOU should have realized that as soon as you took those knives and decided to mutilate yourself. Furthermore, you feel guilty and afraid over it, which even made the depression as severe as it is: you went to two counselors in order to rectify the problem that you yourself know you have, only to be too afraid to tell them the true extend of the dark pit you are in. Each time you got more guilty about inconveniencing anyone with your seemingly miniscule problems and the depression got even worse. That charade you mentioned isn't about you killing yourself. Not at all. Its about you hiding. Its about you being trapped inside your own cage made out of fear, too afraid to break the chains that bind you. Even to such a degree that you would rather let yourself be suffocated by them than struggle.

That is your charade.

That's a bit dramatic.

Now ask yourself: Why? Your boyfriend will not think less of you if you tell him - he cares about you, you know that. He WILL support you and he WON'T leave you. The same goes for your family and friends. So what are you fucking doing cutting yourself up? That ain't gonna help one bit. The only thing it does is making matters even worse.

Fight your fear. Don't let it consume you.

My family is the reason I'm like this. It's not as though I woke up one day in despair. It took several years of being told I was a worthless piece of shit who should kill herself, on a daily basis.

And that shoud be 'friend', singular.

And furthermore, consider this:

I'm not really sure what to do. Maybe I should just take the hint and end this stupid charade. I'm not going to keep chasing after psychologists in the hopes that one of them will notice I need help when I can just die. Please just distract me for a bit.

Life is shit, world is cruel, people are vicious, and there's no real reason to build something solid for long. BUT ! Maaaaaaaaaaan, it's like with game you love to hate. You can't find the reason, but you still play it.

Sometimes its just because you want to see the next level, isn't it? I mean, look outside. Look in the sky. That beautiful azure, this incredible vastness and this unfathomable complexity of this, our world, our universe. Just look around you! All those people you do not know. All those experiences you could have, all that understanding you can get, all those choices you can make, these paths you can take.

Are you really ready to waste this?

Are you really ready to waste this, just because you are too afraid to tell anybody the true extend of how you feel?

NOTHING is worth that much.

I won't miss it when I'm dead.

 

[JCD2k4]

Sure you don't. Your friend will, though. Pretty much so if he's such a caring person.

Get a grip. Nobody's useless, nobody's worthless. Get out of the pit by making positive choices for you, every single day. Inch towards daylight. Feeling better takes time and requires action. Start small, stay focused and slowly build from there. Bring your friend in. Whatever you are thinking now, if he's the kinda person you think he is he'll gladly help ya. It's so much harder doing this alone rather than having somebody help you.

 

[BrassButtons]

The thing is that whenever I try to talk about my problems I laugh a lot.

I do the same thing at times (I also do it when I'm in physical pain. Confuses the hell out of people). You may need to explain to the psychologist that you laugh despite not being happy. That said, I would think a half-way decent psychologist would realize that if someone comes to them and says "I think I'm depressed" that there's probably something wrong. Sadly not all psychologists are worth a damn, and it can be hard to find a good one. Personally I think you deserve credit just for making the attempt. Twice. I'm too afraid to do it once.

I guess I feel guilty for being such a miserable piece of shit since there are people who have it worse than me.

I'm going to copy something I said on another website:

I get that feeling a lot, too. The thing to remember is that it doesn't matter if other people have it worse than you, because you aren't living their life, you're living your life. It is impossible for you (or anyone else) to consistently judge your perceptions in the context of what everyone else is going through. Yes, right now there are people who have it worse than you do. But that doesn't mean what you're going through isn't bad, and it doesn't mean you shouldn't be upset.

Imagine if someone got happy when they saw a butterfly, but then decided this was somehow wrong, because someone else was happy because their mother was just told her cancer was gone. Does the first person's happiness stop counting if someone else has a "better" reason to be happy? Of course not, and sadness works the same way.

I even sterilised the knife.

This is a very good thing, even if it doesn't seem that way right now. Even if you can't stop cutting, please don't stop using a sterile knife.

I'm on a self-injury support forum. PM me if you're interested in that, or if you'd just like to talk.

 

[Chromatic Aberration]

That is your charade.

That's a bit dramatic.

I know. It should have been.
Your post and your stance worries me. That's why I put special emphasize on this post being as emotional and as honest as it is. Let me say it again: Get out and talk to someone - as I can gather the prime choice would be your boyfriend here - it will help you. I'am rather certain of that.

Now ask yourself: Why? Your boyfriend will not think less of you if you tell him - he cares about you, you know that. He WILL support you and he WON'T leave you. The same goes for your family and friends. So what are you fucking doing cutting yourself up? That ain't gonna help one bit. The only thing it does is making matters even worse.

Fight your fear. Don't let it consume you.

My family is the reason I'm like this. It's not as though I woke up one day in despair. It took several years of being told I was a worthless piece of shit who should kill herself, on a daily basis.

And that shoud be 'friend', singular.

Look, I don't know much about you and I won't presume to do so here but the only thing I can tell you is this: don't let that kind of shit get to you. That might not help much and it might be a bad catchphrase at this point, especially since that stuff has been going on for years, but if you do, the only thing it does is making you more miserable. I can only echo JCD2k4: Nobody's useless. And you are no exception to that rule.

As for what you need to do to get yourself out of where you are right now, except for talking about this issue - which you NEED to (and soon) - I'll also stick with another poster: Mr. K. You need to dig yourself out of that hole where you are in, break the routine, try something else and meet new people. From my watchtower here, it almost looks like this could very well be a reason why you got depressed in the first place. Sometimes a change of place or the discovery of a new hobby works wonders - and its even easier if someone (like your boyfriend) helps you there. Give it try - can't be worse than killing yourself.

And furthermore, consider this:

I'm not really sure what to do. Maybe I should just take the hint and end this stupid charade. I'm not going to keep chasing after psychologists in the hopes that one of them will notice I need help when I can just die. Please just distract me for a bit.

Life is shit, world is cruel, people are vicious, and there's no real reason to build something solid for long. BUT ! Maaaaaaaaaaan, it's like with game you love to hate. You can't find the reason, but you still play it.

Sometimes its just because you want to see the next level, isn't it? I mean, look outside. Look in the sky. That beautiful azure, this incredible vastness and this unfathomable complexity of this, our world, our universe. Just look around you! All those people you do not know. All those experiences you could have, all that understanding you can get, all those choices you can make, these paths you can take.

Are you really ready to waste this?

Are you really ready to waste this, just because you are too afraid to tell anybody the true extend of how you feel?

NOTHING is worth that much.

I won't miss it when I'm dead.

Thats a cop out. You don't know what you are missing. There is still so much awesomeness to be found...take Diablo III for example....or, my personal favourite, the Baldur's Gate Enhanced Edition

 

[requisitename]

I'm 18. My high school counsellor was the one who said I seem to be 'cheerful' and am therefore fine. She was a bit of a moron, yeah. That was several years ago.

Half the reason I'm cautious about telling the whole truth is that I don't want to be institutionalised. The very idea frightens the hell out of me.

I saw that you're in Australia(?)

I'm not sure how things work over there, but I know that in the United States, there are two kinds of commitment - one is voluntary and one is involuntary. Voluntary means you go and tell them you need help and you get it. I don't know how the laws are set up there, but HERE if you voluntarily commit yourself, you can leave before they say you're fine if you absolutely can't stand it. However, if you keep cutting yourself and end up at the emergency room or something and you're involuntarily committed, you're there until they say you can leave.. full stop.

As for being "institutionalized", (again, here) it's basically unheard of for all but the worst cases. Worst cases being people who can't separate reality from hallucinations for months or years and things like that. People who have no hope of functioning in the world. Decades ago, that was a common response, but it isn't any more.

However, as with all things mental health related, you're going to do what you're going to do. The hardest part, much as with an addiction, is admitting you need help. Until you do that, no one can help you.

 

[manic_depressive13]

Really hard for me to be sorry for you considering most of your quotes are mean.

I didn't come here for pity.

Of course if you want out, by all means slice away. Not going to kill yourself because you would of done it already. What your doing is just trying to find some kind of meaning to keep going.

I'm looking for meaning in my veins? Nope, even stupider than that. I'm doing it to prove to myself that I'm depressed.

Have to say that reaching out to the internet is not going to help because people are going to tell you what you already know.

Reading posts got me through the night, didn't it. Haven't we spoken before about using pronouns?

I think most people that who kill themselves do it in private and don't reach out at all.

Most likely.

Take your whiny head out of your ass and suck it up.

I tried but it's lodged.

 

[manic_depressive13]

Really don't care if you do it. Of course people that who play teacher on the internet are as good as dead to me. Nobody needs you to tell them anything. We didn't ask for your advice. Have no interest in your suggestions. I don't need a life coach and neither does anybody else. The only people that who are going to miss you is are your family. Every grammar nazi I have met don't doesn't have a [space] lot of friends, so slice away.

Wrong again! My family won't miss me.

You're improving! Your sentences are almost coherent now. Out of everyone who posted here you probably cheered me up the most. Thanks!

 

[Jedoro]

Hmm, I'd say stay alive and be strong through this for your boyfriend. You say that he deserves better, but it looks like he cares about you, so you could try being the person you think he deserves. Even if you don't want to fight through this for yourself, fight through it for him.

Really don't care if you do it. Of course people that who play teacher on the internet are as good as dead to me. Nobody needs you to tell them anything. We didn't ask for your advice. Have no interest in your suggestions. I don't need a life coach and neither does anybody else. The only people that who are going to miss you is are your family. Every grammar nazi I have met don't doesn't have a [space] lot of friends, so slice away.

Wrong again! My family won't miss me.

You're improving! Your sentences are almost coherent now. Out of everyone who posted here you probably cheered me up the most. Thanks!

Also, after reading these posts, I'm starting to like you.

 

[manic_depressive13]

Hmm, I'd say stay alive and be strong through this for your boyfriend. You say that he deserves better, but it looks like he cares about you, so you could try being the person you think he deserves. Even if you don't want to fight through this for yourself, fight through it for him.

Argh, okay fine. I'll try.

Also, after reading these posts, I'm starting to like you.

Heh, cheers.

 

[DreamaSkylar]

My family is the reason I'm like this. It's not as though I woke up one day in despair. It took several years of being told I was a worthless piece of shit who should kill herself, on a daily basis.

If this is true, then I would advise you to stay away from your family as much as possible. If you have some friends that you can trust (and maybe even your boyfriend), try to spend as much time with them as possible. Heck, maybe you can even open up to your boyfriend/friends more and tell them about your issues with your family. I know that over time, friends have opened up to me about some pretty serious grievances in their lives about their friends and family.

I know it seems hard now, and being 18 (despite what television and movies tell you) can really suck. Please try to hang in their and reach out to people that you know that you can trust.