Helping Others

[Something Amyss]

A touch of background to this thread:

My girlfriend linked me to some survey about what kinds of affection you seek. I think it was called Languages of Love or something like that. It asks you a bunch of A-B choices about which matters more to you, displaying different kinds of affirmations (for want of a better word) of love. Touching, praise, gifts, stuff like that.

One of them was helping, and I just find it weird. I don't feel particularly loved when I help someone, and I don't help people out of love. I'll help someone who I don't like and/or who doesn't like me. I don't turn down reasonable requests for help unless there's some serious obstacle (I have back problems, for example, so moving heavy things is out). I'm not saying this to brag or feel good about myself. That goes right to my point: this is just something I was raised to do. I don't particularly look at it as more special than doing things like saying "please" and "thank you," and I don't feel good about or special for saying those.

I think we're better off if we help one another. I have been helped as I have helped others, though I'm not really paying it back nor paying it forward. If people don't help me, I'm no worse off than I was, and if they do, great. But I don't infer love or appreciation from it.

I am probably more likely to go further in helping people I like as opposed to those I don't, but the act itself isn't really contingent.

So, I'm assuming this is weird, based on a few conversations. I'm just wondering how weird.

TL;DR:

-Do you think of helping as an act of "love?" Not necessarily romantic love, but caring, friendship, whatever.
-Why do you help people, and on what terms?
-Do you seek/expect some sort of reward?
-Anything else I might have missed.

 

[Elfgore]

I'll usually help people unless I have to really go out of my way to do so, or I very strongly dislike them. Otherwise I'll help with anything to the best of my ability.

I help the same reason you do. I was raised that way. Helping people somehow trumps my passed down laziness.

Besides a "thanks" I really don't expect an award. I may joke around with a friend saying "You'll let me borrow that game right?" But there is a 99% chance they would let me borrow it even if I didn't help them.

 

[skywolfblue]

-Do you think of helping as an act of "love?" Not necessarily romantic love, but caring, friendship, whatever.
-Why do you help people, and on what terms?
-Do you seek/expect some sort of reward?
-Anything else I might have missed.

- Absolutely. My life has been blessed with many instances where people have gone out of their way to help me, when they had no "logical" reason for doing so, they cared for me, and that was enough. And I've had some occasions where I've been able to help people, not for my benefit but because I cared for them.

- I believe one's character is defined by how much you love others. Jesus said that the two greatest commandments are, to love God, and love your neighbor. His life was an example of loving others, and I seek to emulate that.

- No. The only reward that might be considered as such would be to improve your own character (which is a reward of the spirit, not a reward of the physical). Unconditional Love/Caring is the foundation of Christianity. So while it's nice to get signs of that love returned (in a favor or in a hug), it's not expected or required. Loving others when they may not love you back.

 

[Auron225]

-Do you think of helping as an act of "love?" Not necessarily romantic love, but caring, friendship, whatever.

- Well in a way, yeah. I mean, why help someone if you don't care? I'd argue you haven't been raised to help people but to care about those that need it; which is a very good thing! It doesn't have to be an act of friendship - just human empathy.

 

[Flutterguy]

Don't worry too much about these kind of surveys. Just written to sound like they are meaningful or knowledgeable.

As for helping others out of 'love' I'll be honest its out of self-interest. Even if the only reward I seek is my own satisfaction or increased understanding of human nature that is still self-interest.

 

[Frezzato]

I've mentioned this elsewhere, but I've helped at least 25 people move. In addition, I've stopped probably over two dozen times to help stranded motorists change a flat, move their dead car, or to give them a ride somewhere. In retrospect, the car-related things were easy, while moving would be an all-day affair; in some of the most extreme cases, over periods of 2-5 days.

My rule on helping people is that if I casually know the person, "the first one's free". Real friends get infinite requests. This means that a good friend can call me at any time, say 3 in the morning, and I'll go help them no matter what. I suppose you could say that I wield my willingness to help in a passive-aggressive manner, and I'm okay with that. I will not help someone I know to be an asshole.

I expect nothing in return as quite honestly, I believe these sort of things just make me stronger. Strangely enough, the ending moral to KoTOR 2 held special significance for me, as the part about 'feeding off the weakness' of people in need struck a chord in me, but I shook it off.

 

[lee1287]

It can be an act of love I guess.

I do it mainly because they are taking to long to accomplish something and I feel bad / awkward for them.

 

[Headsprouter]

At my job I rush after people when they forget something, but that's as far as it goes. I was raised to be polite, so I hold doors and give way habitually. It feels good to do these things.

...Because human!

 

[Shymer]

-Do you think of helping as an act of "love?" Not necessarily romantic love, but caring, friendship, whatever.
-Why do you help people, and on what terms?
-Do you seek/expect some sort of reward?
-Anything else I might have missed.

Helping is an act of love, but your definition of love needs to be clear and comprehensive. By helping you are making someone else happier - and satisfying yourself. You are either by making yourself happier directly - or the act of helping is appealing to your self-need to fulfil duty/parental honour or the self-need to complete a task or the self-need to be recognised by others for your contribution. Helping reinforces the bonds between people - sustains a relationship and, regardless of motive, that's a little bit lovely right there - isn't it?

There is nothing in this world that makes me happier than helping people. It fundamentally underpins my own happiness and well-being. Everything else seems temporary and illusory.

A request for help that I can satisfy is a gift in and of itself. I am not always in a position to help. When I can I need no other reward.

 

[L. Declis]

-Do you think of helping as an act of "love?" Not necessarily romantic love, but caring, friendship, whatever.

Not really. More an act of pity, or an act of caring. This person, either as a person I know and wish to make their life better, or a stranger who I feel could use a hand, I have decided to help. Love? Either platonic or romantic? No, although the more I care for someone, the higher the likelihood of me helping them.

-Why do you help people, and on what terms?

Well, I have a weakness for helping foreigners. I've lived abroad, I plan to live abroad, and going to another country is a daunting task, and culture clashes and language problems and such. I've had problems, and I've had the locals help me, and whenever I see someone not from this land having trouble, my first thought is to help them. Terms? Generally convenience.
For example, I met someone on a plane from China. She was cute, and I had a lot of spare time. So I help her, when I arrived, find her suitcase and her friends so she could be safe and secure. During registration day at University, I helped virtual strangers sign forms with their poor English and move their crap up stairs.
I've helped a bloke in a bank as he tried to explain, in poor English, his problem so I acted as an interpreter, but I didn't help him further as I had things to do that day. If I'm at the train station and someone needs a few coins for the toilet, I don't begrudge them that.

And of course, if I'm in a bad mood, I generally don't help anyone.

-Do you seek/expect some sort of reward?

A thank you. That is all I expect. If I go out of my way to help you, I damn well expect a thank you. Nothing more though. Doesn't matter if I do something huge or simply open the door.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

I like helping other people when I can and I don't reserve it for only friends and family. I have no issues helping out complete strangers and I often don't expect to get anything out of it besides warm fuzzies. I just think it's a nice thing to do. When I get help from other people, it makes me think the world is a better place, I would hope my helping in turn does the same. I also know when I feel upset or depressed, helping other people makes me feel better.

 

[MysticSlayer]

-Do you think of helping as an act of "love?" Not necessarily romantic love, but caring, friendship, whatever.

Sort of. I generally help people naturally, whether they are someone I have a close relationship with or a complete stranger. As a result, I rarely help someone out of an act of love.

However, a lot of people have trouble helping someone unless coerced to do so or because they actually value the person on about the same level that they value themselves. When it comes to these people, then it could be an act of love.

-Why do you help people, and on what terms?

As mentioned above, I try to just help people regardless. I don't think anyone needs a special reason to help someone else. The only reasons I wouldn't is if my "help" would be more of a hindrance to them or if they really don't want help for some reason.

-Do you seek/expect some sort of reward?

No, not really. I generally think helping people so you get a reward sort of lessens the act itself.

 

[Pink Gregory]

Well, it's something to do, isn't it?

I don't really see what I have to gain by seeking tit-for-tat renumeration.

 

[Raikas]

One of them was helping, and I just find it weird.

I think that's the point of the Love Languages thing - I find the gifts part to be superficial, but for a lot of people it's not. Helping is probably just the same for you.

-Do you think of helping as an act of "love?" Not necessarily romantic love, but caring, friendship, whatever.

Up to a point, yes. And I certainly think that a conscious decision not to help someone is a statement of a lack of love.

-Why do you help people, and on what terms?

It depends - I hold the door open for people carrying packages because it's polite. I'll help a friend with renovations because we have a reciprical relationship. But if I climb a ladder with a chainsaw after an icestorm when a tree falls on my mother's roof, or if I drive 6 hours in a snowstorm to pick up my wife and my sister-in-law who were stranded on a roadtrip, that is love. Because I'm not doing that kind of thing for random people.

-Do you seek/expect some sort of reward?

I think at a certain level - especially with friends, yes. If I help someone move, I do expect them to be willing to do the same for me. But for basic politeness or extreme family stuff, no.

And I think with general volunteer activities, the act is usually the reward (unless you're doing it for the resume, in which case that's the reward, of course).

 

[Someone Depressing]

I hold doors open for people. I pick stuff up for people. I repay debts as soon as I can, among other things.

I'd say I like helping others, unless I really, really dislike the person. Then I won't help them.

 

[Something Amyss]

Thread's been a good read so far. I'm not not replying mostly because there's little I've seen that needs response or clarifcation--sorry if I glossed anyone over.

- Well in a way, yeah. I mean, why help someone if you don't care? I'd argue you haven't been raised to help people but to care about those that need it; which is a very good thing! It doesn't have to be an act of friendship - just human empathy.

I'd argue any empathy I've derived from my upbringing was a separate entity in itself. I don't actually need to care about someone to help. On a few occasions I've helped people while thinking they downright deserved the situation they were in in the first place. Yeah, I'm not necessarily a good person, even if my acts likely have a positive effect.

I honestly have trouble seeing "being helpful" as anything beyond sort of a perfunctory action--a thing you do.