How badly have you ever been physically hurt?

[WolfMage]

Hmm, car crash, got a concussion.
Shot in the leg.
Buckshot to the back.
Horse threw me once. One of the only time I got on one, too.
Three stab wounds.
Shall I continue?

Holy shit, why did you get shot?

Cause people don't seem to like it when you date their daughters. And this was a suburban mother who did this, so at least it's funny.

Hmm, car crash, got a concussion.
Shot in the leg.
Buckshot to the back.
Horse threw me once. One of the only time I got on one, too.
Three stab wounds.
Shall I continue?

... are you James Bond? (with enemies who can actually shoot straight, it seems)

No, sadly, or else I'd be getting laid as I type.
And I'd be having a damn good martini.
(Must...Not...Say the line...!)

There's more for those who care to hear em.
Injuries, I mean.

 

[Spacelord]

I faceplanted into a wooden crate once - just a few stitches, though.

Never broke anything in my life, which is kinda impressive seeing as I have a long history of falling on my drunk ass off my bike on my way home. I do have a nice bit chipped off my front teeth since I last took a dirt dive 50 paces from my doorstep. Yes, I was drunk.

I look on the bright side of all that: at least now I know I'll NEVER even CONSIDER driving after even a single drink. If I wound myself that frequently when riding a bicycle, I don't want to know what happens when I 'm driving around 1000+ lbs of steel at 30 mph. I'm irresponsible with kinetic energy when inebriated.

 

[Hunde Des Krieg]

I died from a punctured lung.

Yay for defibrillators!

^ WIN

 

[Hunde Des Krieg]

Hmm, car crash, got a concussion.
Shot in the leg.
Buckshot to the back.
Horse threw me once. One of the only time I got on one, too.
Three stab wounds.
Shall I continue?

Holy shit, why did you get shot?

Cause people don't seem to like it when you date their daughters. And this was a suburban mother who did this, so at least it's funny.

Was that the buckshot or the one in the leg?

 

[mokes310]

Well, I grew up playing Ice Hockey, so I've had my fair share of injuries. And the list goes as follows, in no particular order of severity:

1. Severed thumb from being stepped on by another players skate. Thumb was reattached with a metal plate inserted in the bone.

2. Car crash, grade 4 concussion due to my airbag not deploying and the seat belts not being fitted properly. A man ran a stop sign, I hit him at 45mph, airbags didn't deploy, my seat belt was too low around my chest causing my head to smack the wheel. Very painful, from what I remember.

3. Six concussions all over grade 3 due to hits given and sustained during hockey games. Do you know how fun it is to wake up in a MRI machine?

4. Dislocated jaw due to a vicious hit given by me during a hockey game. I felt bad for the other kid because it shattered his jaw.

5. Playing with my puppy the other day. We were playing fetch with a frisbee in the park, and I was teasing her by not letting her have it. She had enough of it and jumped with her head first into my crotch. I went down like a ton of bricks, right in front of a bunch of little kids, and the mayor (he lives next door to me, right next to the park). Whats worse is that after I was down and out in the fetal position, she decided that we were still playing, and thus, began to hump my limp corpse. Worse than getting tea-bagged online, way worse...

 

[WolfMage]

Hmm, car crash, got a concussion.
Shot in the leg.
Buckshot to the back.
Horse threw me once. One of the only time I got on one, too.
Three stab wounds.
Shall I continue?

Holy shit, why did you get shot?

Cause people don't seem to like it when you date their daughters. And this was a suburban mother who did this, so at least it's funny.

Was that the buckshot or the one in the leg?

One in the leg, but the lady did catch me in the shoulder, too.
'Course, she also winged a vodka bottle at me head.
I got cut and cleaned at the same time.

 

[Souplex]

My left eye was ripped out two years ago.

 

[Hunde Des Krieg]

Hmm, car crash, got a concussion.
Shot in the leg.
Buckshot to the back.
Horse threw me once. One of the only time I got on one, too.
Three stab wounds.
Shall I continue?

Holy shit, why did you get shot?

Cause people don't seem to like it when you date their daughters. And this was a suburban mother who did this, so at least it's funny.

Was that the buckshot or the one in the leg?

One in the leg, but the lady did catch me in the shoulder, too.
'Course, she also winged a vodka bottle at me head.
I got cut and cleaned at the same time.

-shit...

 

[Spacelord]

5. Playing with my puppy the other day. We were playing fetch with a frisbee in the park, and I was teasing her by not letting her have it. She had enough of it and jumped with her head first into my crotch. I went down like a ton of bricks, right in front of a bunch of little kids, and the mayor (he lives next door to me, right next to the park). Whats worse is that after I was down and out in the fetal position, she decided that we were still playing, and thus, began to hump my limp corpse. Worse than getting tea-bagged online, way worse...

This is the reason I try not to fall asleep on the couch. Everytime I do, I wake up with a clear gonzo view of one of my dog's bollocks.

 

[mokes310]

5. Playing with my puppy the other day. We were playing fetch with a frisbee in the park, and I was teasing her by not letting her have it. She had enough of it and jumped with her head first into my crotch. I went down like a ton of bricks, right in front of a bunch of little kids, and the mayor (he lives next door to me, right next to the park). Whats worse is that after I was down and out in the fetal position, she decided that we were still playing, and thus, began to hump my limp corpse. Worse than getting tea-bagged online, way worse...

This is the reason I try not to fall asleep on the couch. Everytime I do, I wake up with a clear gonzo view of one of my dog's bollocks.

HAHAHAHA, that IS A GREAT REASON!!! The really sad part of my story is that my dog is a female, so I was 150% owned!

 

[CoziestPigeon]

Amusing thing is footballers that claim hockey is a womans sport.

You pansys need weapons. We use our bodies.

>_<

 

[SovietSecrets]

Two broken ribs after a snowboard collided with them.

Shattered my ankle while skating.

Jammed a screwdriver through my hand while fixing the same skateboard that i shattered my ankle on.

Sprained my ankle while playing football. Ran into the sidewalk.

Great times

 

[WolfMage]

Hmm, car crash, got a concussion.
Shot in the leg.
Buckshot to the back.
Horse threw me once. One of the only time I got on one, too.
Three stab wounds.
Shall I continue?

Holy shit, why did you get shot?

Cause people don't seem to like it when you date their daughters. And this was a suburban mother who did this, so at least it's funny.

Was that the buckshot or the one in the leg?

One in the leg, but the lady did catch me in the shoulder, too.
'Course, she also winged a vodka bottle at me head.
I got cut and cleaned at the same time.

-shit...

Yeah, purrty much.
Now, you wanna know about a bad time, I can tell ya.
This one time, I was hanging with my friends, and we decided to climb and jump off of a low pedestrian bridge onto slow moving trucks on the small road by our house.
Guess which one of us got hit by a pickup?
I had that fucking Dodge logo imprinted on my forehead for almost an hour...

 

[Labyrinth]

Amusing thing is footballers that claim hockey is a womans sport.

You pansys need weapons. We use our bodies.

>_<

I challenge you to take part in a year 11 Womens ice hockey game. See how vicious that shit gets.

 

[Chimpa]

I've managed to hurt myself quite a few times from various sports, but I actually had my rib broken in an epic bear hug from a friend. Now if the agony associated with breathing wasn't bad enough, there was a much more dismal fate awaiting me. Now, many women argue men cannot understand pain because they will never experience child birth, however, I disagree, taking a dump with a broken rib was the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced, sitting on the toilet screaming for an epidural.

 

[KSI Hellboy]

Worst I ever got was a papercut.

I feel like a wimp now =(

 

[Doug]

And I'd be having a damn good martini.
(Must...Not...Say the line...!)

Give in to your desires and turn to the dark side. It is...inevitable...

EDIT: Also, given the rest of your post, I think your officially allowed to use "My mother-in-law" jokes.

 

[Pseudonym2]

I was in an airplane crash when I was 14. I had to kick the window out, crawl out, and go get help. I did all with a broken foot and few bruised bones too.

 

[WolfMage]

And I'd be having a damn good martini.
(Must...Not...Say the line...!)

Give in to your desires and turn to the dark side. It is...inevitable...

EDIT: Also, given the rest of your post, I think your officially allowed to use "My mother-in-law" jokes.

"That is the sound of inevitability. That is the sound of your death. Goodbye, Mr. Anderson."

The chick who shot me would be my mother in law, but it's kinda frowned upon for 15 year olds to marry each other. Just sayin'.

 

[odatnarat]

it was my birthday celebration party and we were drinking a lot.. when it was 4 in the morning my friends decided to go home since they were too tipsy and drunk.. then i was waving them goodbye and decided to jump on the trunk of my friend's car and fuckingly sick my friend step on the gas abd run his car, i was too drunk to think and raised my hand like superman but realized its a scary think and shouted to my friend to stop, and he did, he did a sudden stop and got me rolling over the trunk and to the road and when i opened my eyes, i saw the tire inches away from my head i was beneath the bumper.. hahaha i got wounds and bruises all over my back and my arms and my but hahahaha.... it hurt a lot.. wuh..