How do I handle her?

[The Man With the Soap]

Hello, it's me again. Many of you probably know me from my "I need help falling out of love" thread earlier. Well, this is a bit of a follow-up to that thread.

A couple of weeks ago, I stumbled into a relationship with a girl I met on Xbox Live, and her fragile emotional state coupled with my severe intimacy issues has led to some problems.

Recently, she sent me nude pictures of herself. She sent me a text saying, "I took some pictures after I got out of the shower. Let me know what you think." Upon recieving the picture messages, I immediately deleted the pictures without ever opening them.

Then, I called her and said, "I'm not going to look at these out of respect for you. Don't ever think you have to do something like this."

She broke down in tears and proceeded to go on and on about how she felt like an idiot for doing something like that and that she doesn't deserve a guy like me.

I tried to console her as best I could, but I think I could have handled the situation better. What do y'all think I could have done differently?

 

[zombiesinc]

I think you were fine in how you reacted. From what you've posted, it seems she's quite insecure and unstable. It doesn't seem like a relationship is a good idea for her, but trying to explain that to her could be extremely difficult. If you say it in a certain way, even if it's the most honest and straight-forward way, she could very well break down again. She likely needs some time with family or close friends to sort out whatever it is that's causing her so much instability. This can't be left up to you, and although explaining that to her may hurt her, it's something she needs to accept.

 

[icame]

Hello, it's me again. Many of you probably know me from my "I need help falling out of love" thread earlier. Well, this is a bit of a follow-up to that thread.

A couple of weeks ago, I stumbled into a relationship with a girl I met on Xbox Live, and her fragile emotional state coupled with my severe intimacy issues has led to some problems.

Recently, she sent me nude pictures of herself. She sent me a text saying, "I took some pictures after I got out of the shower. Let me know what you think." Upon recieving the picture messages, I immediately deleted the pictures without ever opening them.

Then, I called her and said, "I'm not going to look at these out of respect for you. Don't ever think you have to do something like this."

She broke down in tears and proceeded to go on and on about how she felt like an idiot for doing something like that and that she doesn't deserve a guy like me.

I tried to console her as best I could, but I think I could have handled the situation better. What do y'all think I could have done differently?

Honestly? You handled the situation quite well. You didn't even look at the pictures, which shows you truly care about her.

Personally I think you need to talk to her about your relationship. Just repeat what you said last time. Say she should never think she needs to do something like that for you. You just need to reinforce that. Though to be honest, I've only been in a couple of relationships, and was never in this type of situation, so take from my advice as you will.

Hope it all works out.

 

[The Man With the Soap]

I think you were fine in how you reacted. From what you've posted, it seems she's quite insecure and unstable. It doesn't seem like a relationship is a good idea for her, but trying to explain that to her could be extremely difficult. If you say it in a certain way, even if it's the most honest and straight-forward way, she could very well break down again. She likely needs some time with family or close friends to sort out whatever it is that's causing her so much instability. This can't be left up to you, and although explaining that to her may hurt her, it's something she needs to accept.

My other thread goes into more detail on that, but yes. Her problem is her home situation, and she has no friends that she can meet face to face with to talk out these issues. I'm pretty much all she's got, which is why she has clung so tightly to me, I guess.

My other problem is that while I do love her, I'm not sexually attracted to her. I killed that part of me a long time ago. It's her personality that I'm attracted to. Not when she's crying and in the midst of some crisis. God no. But, those few times she is comfortable and relaxed, she is wonderful to be around.

I'm worried that I may not be what she needs right now, and I would have prefered to have sucked in my feelings for her and continued to be friends. She was the one who asked me, and in a moment of weakness I decided to say yes. I did that for me, which was selfish and wrong.

But, I've got the situation I'm in, and I'll have to make due. I see no way of ending things in the near future without absolutely devastating her.

 

[Hollock]

She was the one who asked me, and in a moment of weakness I decided to say yes. I did that for me, which was selfish and wrong.

But, I've got the situation I'm in, and I'll have to make due. I see no way of ending things in the near future without absolutely devastating her.

Don't beat yourself up over saying yes, it was what you both wanted and we're guilty of acting on what we feel rather than what may be best. You're handling this extremely well. She's right about you being a great guy

 

[zombiesinc]

But, I've got the situation I'm in, and I'll have to make due. I see no way of ending things in the near future without absolutely devastating her.

Those situations are always extremely difficult. When someone is struggling that much they need at least one close person to lean on, but it's up to them to avoid grasping and clinging. Perhaps this is something you could explain to her? If you do love her, you want her to get better. If you're willing to possibly be that only person she has, you need to make it very clear to her that you'll be there so long as she makes an effort to not suffocate you. Make it clear that you're doing it because you want her to get better, but that she can't expect anything to result between the two of you. Explain to her that, as a friend, you'll support her. Although this may be difficult for her, she should at the very least recognize that you care, and that she has someone for support during such a difficult time in her life.

She needs to focus on getting past this, and back to being able to cope with every day life, and all it's issues. She can't be focusing on infatuation or love towards another person, because if that's how she manages to get past this, her reality will shatter if that person leaves her life.

If you don't want to be this person then unfortunately, you're going to hurt her by explaining it, but it needs to happen. You have to do what you think is best not only for her, but for you. If you don't wish to be a person she leans on, don't be that person. If you choose to be that person out of fear of hurting her and making her situation worse, you'll end up not being much support in the long run.

 

[The Man With the Soap]

But, I've got the situation I'm in, and I'll have to make due. I see no way of ending things in the near future without absolutely devastating her.

Those situations are always extremely difficult. When someone is struggling that much they need at least one close person to lean on, but it's up to them to avoid grasping and clinging. Perhaps this is something you could explain to her? If you do love her, you want her to get better. If you're willing to possibly be that only person she has, you need to make it very clear to her that you'll be there so long as she makes an effort to not suffocate you. Make it clear that you're doing it because you want her to get better, but that she can't expect anything to result between the two of you. Explain to her that, as a friend, you'll support her. Although this may be difficult for her, she should at the very least recognize that you care, and that she has someone for support during such a difficult time in her life.

She needs to focus on getting past this, and back to being able to cope with every day life, and all it's issues. She can't be focusing on infatuation or love towards another person, because if that's how she manages to get past this, her reality will shatter if that person leaves her life.

If you don't want to be this person then unfortunately, you're going to hurt her by explaining it, but it needs to happen. You have to do what you think is best not only for her, but for you. If you don't wish to be a person she leans on, don't be that person. If you choose to be that person out of fear of hurting her and making her situation worse, you'll end up not being much support in the long run.

I am perfectly ready and willing to be that person she can lean on. I'm not worried about her suffocating me and not "giving me my space." Her situation gives her well being priority over my own.

What I am worried about is her becoming completely emotionally dependent on me. I want to be there to support her (be it as a boyfriend or a best friend). But, I do not want to be like a medication to her which she can't function without (she has been diagnosed with mild bipolar disorder as well).

I have been trying to help her build her confidence through what I call "exercises" (for lack of a better term). Everyday, I have her tell me one thing she likes about herself-be it a physical attribute, a talent, or an accompishment-that cannot involve me. I write all of these things down and read them to her when she is having a hard time. Also, whenever I pay her a compliment, I ask her to repeat it to me while still directed at herself.

She was the one who asked me, and in a moment of weakness I decided to say yes. I did that for me, which was selfish and wrong.

But, I've got the situation I'm in, and I'll have to make due. I see no way of ending things in the near future without absolutely devastating her.

Don't beat yourself up over saying yes, it was what you both wanted and we're guilty of acting on what we feel rather than what may be best. You're handling this extremely well. She's right about you being a great guy

Thank you for the sentiment. It is much appreciated.

 

[zombiesinc]

I am perfectly ready and willing to be that person she can lean on. I'm not worried about her suffocating me and not "giving me my space." Her situation gives her well being priority over my own.

What I am worried about is her becoming completely emotionally dependent on me. I want to be there to support her (be it as a boyfriend or a best friend). But, I do not want to be like a medication to her which she can't function without (she has been diagnosed with mild bipolar disorder as well).

I have been trying to help her build her confidence through what I call "exercises" (for lack of a better term). Everyday, I have her tell me one thing she likes about herself-be it a physical attribute, a talent, or an accompishment-that cannot involve me. I write all of these things down and read them to her when she is having a hard time. Also, whenever I pay her a compliment, I ask her to repeat it to me while still directed at herself.

You already know the biggest risk of being 'that person' someone leans on, you understand that she cannot become emotionally dependent on you, which is the most important part of a situation like yours. You're also enforcing positive attributes about her that do not involve you, or anyone else for that matter. This is all extremely helpful and important.

Honestly, it seems you're doing everything I would suggest in your situation, and you're doing it well. I'm quite impressed. So long as it's been made clear to her that she cannot become dependent on you, why that is (emphasize that it's for her own good), and you're sure she fully understands that, you've taken every important step necessary to help ensure this situation goes well. From here, all I can really say is good luck, and I hope she starts feeling more secure and confident in who she is soon enough.

 

[The Man With the Soap]

I am perfectly ready and willing to be that person she can lean on. I'm not worried about her suffocating me and not "giving me my space." Her situation gives her well being priority over my own.

What I am worried about is her becoming completely emotionally dependent on me. I want to be there to support her (be it as a boyfriend or a best friend). But, I do not want to be like a medication to her which she can't function without (she has been diagnosed with mild bipolar disorder as well).

I have been trying to help her build her confidence through what I call "exercises" (for lack of a better term). Everyday, I have her tell me one thing she likes about herself-be it a physical attribute, a talent, or an accompishment-that cannot involve me. I write all of these things down and read them to her when she is having a hard time. Also, whenever I pay her a compliment, I ask her to repeat it to me while still directed at herself.

You already know the biggest risk of being 'that person' someone leans on, you understand that she cannot become emotionally dependent on you, which is the most important part of a situation like yours. You're also enforcing positive attributes about her that do not involve you, or anyone else for that matter. This is all extremely helpful and important.

Honestly, it seems you're doing everything I would suggest in your situation, and you're doing it well. I'm quite impressed. So long as it's been made clear to her that she cannot become dependent on you, why that is (emphasize that it's for her own good), and you're sure she fully understands that, you've taken every important step necessary to help ensure this situation goes well. From here, all I can really say is good luck, and I hope she starts feeling more secure and confident in who she is soon enough.

The support means a lot. Much obliged, mam.

Is it a good thing if I let her talk me through some of the petty problems of my day (nothing big that could cause her undue stress)? Not that I really need it. I just figure it's good for her confidence if she feels like she is helping me too.

Also, she recently asked me if she could move up to Richmond (where I live) once she graduates high school (she's a senior and I'm a junior). I am inclined to say yes because it would get her away from her destructive enviroment at home, and it would mean I could be more readily avaliable. I could also include her more in my life and my social circle where I could help her foster some relationships with other people to provide a larger support structure.

 

[ultrachicken]

I'm not getting the feeling that there's much of anything you could have said in that situation without a resulting breakdown.

Also, she recently asked me if she could move up to Richmond (where I live) once she graduates high school (she's a senior and I'm a junior). I am inclined to say yes because it would get her away from her destructive enviroment at home, and it would mean I could be more readily avaliable. I could also include her more in my life and my social circle where I could help her foster some relationships with other people to provide a larger support structure.

Why does she need your permission to move? Unless she's moving in with you. Either way, you'll solve some problems and create more.

 

[The Man With the Soap]

I'm not getting the feeling that there's much of anything you could have said in that situation without a resulting breakdown.

Also, she recently asked me if she could move up to Richmond (where I live) once she graduates high school (she's a senior and I'm a junior). I am inclined to say yes because it would get her away from her destructive enviroment at home, and it would mean I could be more readily avaliable. I could also include her more in my life and my social circle where I could help her foster some relationships with other people to provide a larger support structure.

Why does she need your permission to move? Unless she's moving in with you. Either way, you'll solve some problems and create more.

Yeah, I told her that she didn't need my permission. She will be an adult in under two months. I told her she had to do what she thought was best.

She wouldn't be moving in with me, though. That could get a little awkward with the folks, haha.

I'm just wondering if I should encourage her to move up here. She already has a fair amount of money saved up, and I'll have money from a job bolstered by money I make dumpster diving that I could use to support her should she require it.

 

[zombiesinc]

The support means a lot. Much obliged, mam.

Is it a good thing if I let her talk me through some of the petty problems of my day (nothing big that could cause her undue stress)? Not that I really need it. I just figure it's good for her confidence if she feels like she is helping me too.

Also, she recently asked me if she could move up to Richmond (where I live) once she graduates high school (she's a senior and I'm a junior). I am inclined to say yes because it would get her away from her destructive enviroment at home, and it would mean I could be more readily avaliable. I could also include her more in my life and my social circle where I could help her foster some relationships with other people to provide a larger support structure.

I don't see why that'd be a bad thing. Not only does it allow you the opportunity to vent out your own frustrations, but as you said, it may help her confidence if she feels she helping you. Plus, it takes the focus off her for a while. Although that focus is meant to be helpful and supportive, everyone needs a break from time to time.

Again, it's not a problem so long as she understands that as much as you care for her, none of this necessarily means something will result of the situation and your support. That's not to say it won't, at all, but it needs to be clear. If that's an area she's happy to live in, and an opportunity to get away from her current negative environment, then I say go for it. If you meant she's moving in with you, that would be different though, but I'm assuming that's not the case.

I feel you're doing a really good job with all this, and handling it maturely and calmly. That's a lot more than I can say for many people I've seen in similar situations from past experience. If you ever find yourself unsure of something however, feel free to send me a message (or of course create/add to a thread).

 

[ultrachicken]

I'm not getting the feeling that there's much of anything you could have said in that situation without a resulting breakdown.

Also, she recently asked me if she could move up to Richmond (where I live) once she graduates high school (she's a senior and I'm a junior). I am inclined to say yes because it would get her away from her destructive enviroment at home, and it would mean I could be more readily avaliable. I could also include her more in my life and my social circle where I could help her foster some relationships with other people to provide a larger support structure.

Why does she need your permission to move? Unless she's moving in with you. Either way, you'll solve some problems and create more.

Yeah, I told her that she didn't need my permission. She will be an adult in under two months. I told her she had to do what she thought was best.

She wouldn't be moving in with me, though. That could get a little awkward with the folks, haha.

I'm just wondering if I should encourage her to move up here. She already has a fair amount of money saved up, and I'll have money from a job bolstered by money I make dumpster diving that I could use to support her should she require it.

You should encourage her to make her own decisions, but also explain that you want to help her, but that she can't be fully dependent on you.

Introducing her to your friends is a nice idea, but it sounds to me like she is one intense introvert, and you had better be 100% sure that she's going to fit in with whoever you introduce her to. In a condition this fragile, you don't want her to get too uncomfortable, lest a breakdown ensue.

Regardless of what you do, make sure you let her help you with stuff, as well, so that she feels like she has some use. That would help boost her confidence, and would be directly beneficial to you, as well. Just make sure not to patronize her in this; pretending to be helped by her is NOT a good idea.

 

[rutger5000]

Hell no you acted the best you could, be proud on yourself. If you're not comfortable with that kind of situation because it lowers your selfrespect, then don't go through it. You could maybe have phrased it differently. Say you're sorry but you would really feel creepy ogling her like that. If you want to flirt you could also addd, "but you make it really tempting" or something like that. Be honest about how you feel about her, if you really like her then tell her so. If not, then that's also important to say. Yeah she's fragile and telling her you don't like her that much will only make her fall, but if you don't tell it you're only lifting her higher and eventually she'll come crashing down.

 

[rutger5000]

Ultra chicken is right, be careful that she doesn't become your little charity project though.

 

[Aurgelmir]

SNIP

Okey, so I do not know the whole story, so I do not really understand your actions.

Am I right if I say you do not want a relationship with this girl? Is that it?

To me it seems the girl really want your attention, and of course she would be upset with you for not wanting to see her naked... because thats exactly what she wanted you to do...

And if you do want a relationship with this girl, then why did you not look at the pictures?
I think you telling her you deleted them was a mistake though, but I guess I just don't know the situation well enough to give any good advice.

 

[The Man With the Soap]

You did the right thing. She's clearly had some tough times before if she felt the need to send you nude pictures to feel secure in your relationship. I don't know how close you live to her or if you've even met her irl, but don't rush the sex. She could have some issues with it. Just be there for her, and support her emotionally, and make sure she knows that you like her for HER, not for her body.

Oh, no. I am in no rush to have sex with anyone again. I could happily live the rest of my life without doing that again. Past relationships have left their mark on me for better or worse. I tend to not have a very positive view on sex because I was cheated on in four out of five.

I'm not even really sexually attracted to her. I've killed my sex drive. I like her for her personality (when she is happy of course, not when she's crying).

I did tell her that she didn't have to do that for me to like her. She is a virgin, but she also admitted to me afterwards that the whole idea of sex kind of scares her.

SNIP

Okey, so I do not know the whole story, so I do not really understand your actions.

Am I right if I say you do not want a relationship with this girl? Is that it?

To me it seems the girl really want your attention, and of course she would be upset with you for not wanting to see her naked... because thats exactly what she wanted you to do...

And if you do want a relationship with this girl, then why did you not look at the pictures?
I think you telling her you deleted them was a mistake though, but I guess I just don't know the situation well enough to give any good advice.

If I do want a relationship with her, why do I have to look at the pictures? I don't consider love and sex to be synonymous.

 

[Aurgelmir]

If I do want a relationship with her, why do I have to look at the pictures? I don't consider love and sex to be synonymous.

No it is not, but you did hurt the poor girls feelings.
She most likely sent them to you to get your attention, and you gave her none of it.
I am not saying look at the pictures and have a good time with yourself.

All I am saying is that I find it odd that you didn't.

But hey we are different. I just think the way you handled it was odd and the girl was saddend by it.

 

[The Man With the Soap]

If I do want a relationship with her, why do I have to look at the pictures? I don't consider love and sex to be synonymous.

No it is not, but you did hurt the poor girls feelings.
She most likely sent them to you to get your attention, and you gave her none of it.
I am not saying look at the pictures and have a good time with yourself.

All I am saying is that I find it odd that you didn't.

But hey we are different. I just think the way you handled it was odd and the girl was saddend by it.

Why is it odd? I did give her my attention. I would have felt like I was taking advantage of her by looking at the pictures (don't want to go to the special hell after all). I just don't think it's healthy for her to think her only value as a person comes from her appearance.