How do I handle this situation?

[SeeIn2D]

Okay basically I want to know how to be reacting to my current situation. Don't want to give too much information, but my girlfriend is at a college class until the 30th of July. Now I am positive she still loves me, but I also have reason to believe she may be fooling around with a guy there. Nothing too heavy, but still, any contact beyond like a friendly hug is too much for me which I think is reasonable. Now I'm wondering how to handle this situation. Realistically even if I call her and tell her something along the lines of "Reasons A and B have given me a funny feeling you're doing something with this guy, so just be honest so we can talk about it", and I happen to be correct, she won't tell me because she to is a human being and would think I would immediately react by breaking up with her. So does anyone have any advice on how I should handle this or be reacting to it? Any advice would help of course, but avoid just telling me to dump her. Not an option, because as campy and clichéd as it sounds I love her too much and I know she still loves me. But we are in a long distance relationship so I would not be accepting of it of course, but I would also not jump to "We're only going to be apart for 3 weeks and THIS is what you do??".

Again thanks for any advice you can give. I really appreciate it.

 

[clipse15]

Okay basically I want to know how to be reacting to my current situation. Don't want to give too much information, but my girlfriend is at a college class until the 30th of July. Now I am positive she still loves me, but I also have reason to believe she may be fooling around with a guy there. Nothing too heavy, but still, any contact beyond like a friendly hug is too much for me which I think is reasonable. Now I'm wondering how to handle this situation. Realistically even if I call her and tell her something along the lines of "Reasons A and B have given me a funny feeling you're doing something with this guy, so just be honest so we can talk about it", and I happen to be correct, she won't tell me because she to is a human being and would think I would immediately react by breaking up with her. So does anyone have any advice on how I should handle this or be reacting to it? Any advice would help of course, but avoid just telling me to dump her. Not an option, because as campy and clichéd as it sounds I love her too much and I know she still loves me. But we are in a long distance relationship so I would not be accepting of it of course, but I would also not jump to "We're only going to be apart for 3 weeks and THIS is what you do??".

Again thanks for any advice you can give. I really appreciate it.

And why exactly do you think she's fooling around with another guy?

 

[SeeIn2D]

And why exactly do you think she's fooling around with another guy?

Empty slots of time where she doesn't text and doesn't say "Oh I'll text in a bit, doing X and Y", which I asked her to do just because I'd prefer to know when she won't be texting rather than having her mysteriously drop off the face of the Earth for a few hours. Said she was taking a nap one day and then later I found out via a post on her wall that at one point during the day when I wasn't being texted she was alone in her room with this guy listening to music. Now I know her personality well and she does almost always bond with guys on a friendly level better than girls so it could be as innocent as that, and I asked her about that post earlier and she basically said that yeah, they were listening to each others music, but I shouldn't worry about anyone else because according to her I'm everything she wants in a guy. I believe her when she says this because before she even went to this class she was saying that. I'm just wondering if this is me being paranoid or not. I AM a very protective boyfriend which has been displayed in multiple instances in the past so this might be a factor. (Not protective as in "DON'T TALK TO THIS GUY EVER AGAIN" but in other ways.)

Also I wouldn't be totally misunderstanding. We are in a long distance relationship and we only see each other about once a month for now, so that is a long time to be deprived of intimate contact when you're in a relationship. However, whether something like this means anything beyond just missing physical intimacy or not, I don't want her doing anything like that. I think this is reasonable. I also called her a couple days ago to basically tell her I've been having these thoughts of her not remaining faithful and I feel like shit for it because I know she still loves me, and she basically said that I have nothing to worry about and she hates people that do that stuff. I don't think if she was doing it then she would say she hates people who do, but still. Can't help but be nervous :/

 

[clipse15]

And why exactly do you think she's fooling around with another guy?

Empty slots of time where she doesn't text and doesn't say "Oh I'll text in a bit, doing X and Y", which I asked her to do just because I'd prefer to know when she won't be texting rather than having her mysteriously drop off the face of the Earth for a few hours. Said she was taking a nap one day and then later I found out via a post on her wall that at one point during the day when I wasn't being texted she was alone in her room with this guy listening to music. Now I know her personality well and she does almost always bond with guys on a friendly level better than girls so it could be as innocent as that, and I asked her about that post earlier and she basically said that yeah, they were listening to each others music, but I shouldn't worry about anyone else because according to her I'm everything she wants in a guy. I believe her when she says this because before she even went to this class she was saying that. I'm just wondering if this is me being paranoid or not. I AM a very protective boyfriend which has been displayed in multiple instances in the past so this might be a factor. (Not protective as in "DON'T TALK TO THIS GUY EVER AGAIN" but in other ways.)

So basically you have no real proof. I suggest you don't even say anything and leave the situation alone. Accusing her of something without any solid evidence just shows that you don't trust her.

 

[SeeIn2D]

And why exactly do you think she's fooling around with another guy?

Empty slots of time where she doesn't text and doesn't say "Oh I'll text in a bit, doing X and Y", which I asked her to do just because I'd prefer to know when she won't be texting rather than having her mysteriously drop off the face of the Earth for a few hours. Said she was taking a nap one day and then later I found out via a post on her wall that at one point during the day when I wasn't being texted she was alone in her room with this guy listening to music. Now I know her personality well and she does almost always bond with guys on a friendly level better than girls so it could be as innocent as that, and I asked her about that post earlier and she basically said that yeah, they were listening to each others music, but I shouldn't worry about anyone else because according to her I'm everything she wants in a guy. I believe her when she says this because before she even went to this class she was saying that. I'm just wondering if this is me being paranoid or not. I AM a very protective boyfriend which has been displayed in multiple instances in the past so this might be a factor. (Not protective as in "DON'T TALK TO THIS GUY EVER AGAIN" but in other ways.)

So basically you have no real proof. I suggest you don't even say anything and leave the situation alone. Accusing her of something without any solid evidence just shows that you don't trust her.

I know, no accusing went on. I even basically called and said I feel bad for even thinking about it, which I truly do. Just can't really help myself with being nervous about this :/

 

[Rylot]

Just can't really help myself with being nervous about this :/

You probably don't want to hear it, but from someone who doesn't know either of you and from what little you've said on the subject, it doesn't seem like you trust her. It's really difficult, and more so with a long distance relationship, to date someone you don't trust.

 

[aba1]

It's natural to be a little paranoid when you are apart so much she spends so much time with other guys you just sorta have to ignore it n deal with it.

 

[lettucethesallad]

Maybe she doesn't want to constantly have to give reasons for her actions or tell you about everything she does every second. I've been on the receiving end of that kind of insecurities. It's not fun.

When so much in a relationship is built on trust, you should probably ask yourself _why_ you don't trust her with this guy.

 

[SiskoBlue]

That's tough, unfortunately this is where they say a relationship relies on trust. We all know people cheat. We also know people get paranoid their partner will cheat on them when their partner would do no such thing. You can never quite know.

So how to stop yourself thinking about it, and looking for clues, and obsessing over black spots where you couldn't contact them, and having conversations which have a subtle subtext which is either a) trying to catch them in a lie or b) guilt them if they ARE cheating.

I can only offer my own solution. Jealousy often comes up when we have low self-esteem. That tiny thought at the back of your head that says "But what if she meets a guy who she thinks is better than me". Well she might but that's not giving her much credit is it. Your assuming she'll just lap up any attention, not see it for what it is and some guy will manipulate her into cheating. This just isn't true. If she decides to cheat on you your relationship is already over and whether she cheat or not won't make a lick of difference.

People rarely cheat when they're happy with their partner. I joke with my wife about it but I've told her if she cheats on me it's over. Not because of the sex but because it means rather than talking to me about problems in our relationship, or giving much thought to how much it would hurt me, she's gone and cheated. And that's someone I can't live with. Relationships take work and if that trust is tainted I can't get it back. Others seem to but it's just not my personality.

And as part of that I've realised if the person I love DOES cheat on me, then they're not the person I thought they were, therefore I don't love them. Sounds stupidly like a formula but it's true. Too many people build up a false persona of their partner, they make the partner they WANT to have, and fall in love with that. When it turns out the person isn't what they seemed people feel cheated and heart-broken. But what you lost was the fantasy, the delusion.

And lastly, I'm sure your girlfriend is attractive, but think about reality. How many times have you cheated on her? How many times have you been with a girl who had a boyfriend? Or how many times have you heard real stories about real people you know either cheating, or dating someone who is cheating. You'll probably find it's not very many, if anyone. For lots of people getting laid even when you're single is hard enough. How more likely is it when you're in a relationship, not looking, and don't want to cheat. Despite the media hype people aren't having sex all the time.

I hope these helps with the paranoia. It might never go completely away so at some point you're going to have to go on faith and just trust her.

Good luck.

 

[Phasmal]

Haven't you made other threads about your mistrust for your girlfriend?
You sound way paranoid. Your girlfriend doesnt have to text you telling you where she is all the time.
I think you should tell her you are having trust issues.

 

[ajemas]

Maybe you could say something like "I promise I won't break up with you if you did anything." If she admits it, then go ahead and dump her. If she has a problem with you breaking your promise, then maybe she should have thought about that before she tried cheating on you!

In all seriousness, this is a very tricky situation. First of all, the chances that she is actually doing anything are extremely slim given how much you two seem to care about each other. Jealousy and fear of cheating are very common in relationships. I've seen people get into huge fights over wayward glances of other people on the street, so don't think that your feelings necessarily mean that there is something to worry about. I think that it is important that you express how much you care about her, and don't make it sound accusatory. Perhaps you could talk about what she did specifically during the times that you are worried about? That might assuage your fears somewhat.
I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that everything works out OK!