How do I move on without becoming bitter?

[TheRightToArmBears]

So, I've just been broken up with. She broke up with me because she didn't want to be in a serious relationship right now, we're getting on for 19 and she's been in relationships like that since she was 13, and apparently now we've gone to university she wants to be single and have some less serious relationships for a while.

Now I'm not entirely sure what she's feeling, because she does still seem to have feelings for me. She did suggest we take a break but she didn't want to feel like she had an obligation, and I didn't want to be a sap and wait around whilst she goes and does her thing. I'm not that much of a loser, but I do think she'll be dissappointed and regret this eventually, so we've agreed to talk about it when we're at home over christmas and see how we feel. If she's not ready or if I've met someone else or whatever reason it won't work then it's ok.

This is where I need advice. I don't want to pin my hopes on her coming back to me, because I won't be able to move on, and I may well end up being dissappointed. On the other hand, after a few months my exes and I tend to drift apart completely, and I end up resenting them. Obviously that's not to good if in her words 'there's a strong chance' that she will want to get back together with me at some point. Also, I don't like hating people, she's a good person that doesn't deserve to be hated, I want to stay as friends. I'm stuck between not being able to get over this relationship and hating her.

Halp.

...The captcha is saying 'let go'. Fuck you captcha, that doesn't answer the question.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

Captcha is right, unfortunately.

That's right around the age my first girlfriend broke up with me, after a 3 year relationship, right after we started university. I understand she left a little door open, there, but I can virtually guarantee you it was an empty gesture. I would cut your losses. The longer you orbit this girl hoping for a reconciliation, the higher the chances you grow to really, really hate her when it doesn't happen.

I'd like to tell you to just go on, be happy, do awesome things, and live your life well, because that will dramatically increase your chances of finding a new relationship, and that's really the best medicine for getting dumped. Sadly, having been dumped more than once myself, I do understand there's going to be some emotional blow back here. You're likely going to be a mess for a bit.

So the best advice I can give you is TRY AND MINIMIZE THE DAMAGE you cause during this stage. You can best accomplish this by staying away from your ex, and not being a dramatic production if you are forced into contact with her. Be light hearted, be easy going, be funny, act like you have your shit together. It will exponentially improve the odds of you guys remaining friends, and if there's a whit of hope of getting back together (and I don't recommend trying) it's going to be because you seem awesome and confident, not drippy and needy. I've tried drippy and needy. IT DOESN'T WORK. IT NEVER WORKS. And if you don't think you can avoid being drippy and needy because...hey, you just got dumped...then stay far, far away from her until you think you can.

Anyway, there you go. If it makes you feel better, I am friends with almost all my exes. It takes some work, but a few of them are really amazing friends. One of them is like a sister to me. It enriched my life tremendously to not sever contact with them. So it's worth preserving this, if you think you're up to the challenge.

And I'm sorry you got dumped. We've all been there, man. Enjoy your battle scar. Wear it with pride.

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

You're probably right... I've had exes say similar things in the past, I'm not exactly optimistic. That said, of all the times a girl has said this to me this is the most believeable time; if someone was just looking at her reaction to the break up then they could almost be forgiven for thinking it was me that had dumped her (I'm sure I sound like a deluded sap but you'll just have to take my word for it, this really does seem like one of the only times ever that a girl might end up sticking to her word on that).

But yeah, moving on is what I intend to do. We wll end up seeing eachother at christmas because all of our friends are the same, that's one of the reasons I agreed that we should talk. If it doesn't work or just doesn't happen I am well prepared for it. I'm open to the idea that I might have met someone new or that I won't want to get back together by then. I'm planning on moving on almost as if there wasn't this tiny chance. My problem is that if I avoid her and don't talk to her then I will end up hating her. I'll slowly end up spinning the whole situation in my head to make it seem like she's a horrible ***** and without her to be there and remind me that she's not then it's very hard for me to stop myself from doing that. It's one of my faults but I always end up using hatred as an emotional shield so that I don't have to deal with the real issues that caused the break up in the first place, because when I try to do that I just ruin my self esteem (I have barely any anyway) and get immensely depressed. I should really learn how to do this, not just for this relationship but for any future relationship that might go tits up in the future.

 

[Vegosiux]

This falls down entirely to be an issue of trust.

Cut contact if you need to. Seriously, you're wrong thinking that you'll end up hating her if you avoid her, you're more likely to start if she's around so you constantly get reminded what you went through by her presence.

Cut contact if you need to, but don't burn bridges, that's what I say in situations like this. Time and perspective are what's needed here. And well, after you've done your ranting and bitching (to which you're completely entitled), when everything is said and done, then say nothing more, and start focusing on your own life. What she does from this point on is completely up to her.

Oh, and also, do whatever the hell you want, it's not like you owe any loyalty or devotion to her for old times' sake.

A broken relationship is one thing, shattered trust is quite another.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

I always end up using hatred as an emotional shield so that I don't have to deal with the real issues that caused the break up in the first place, because when I try to do that I just ruin my self esteem (I have barely any anyway) and get immensely depressed. I should really learn how to do this, not just for this relationship but for any future relationship that might go tits up in the future.

No, totally. That is the one positive thing you can take out of every relationship, no matter how it ends. It's an opportunity for self-improvement. Most people tend to think of themselves as the hero in the narrative that runs in their own head, so it can be very, very difficult for us to recognize when we were at fault, let alone correct it. Many people don't actually realize that THEY were the villain of the piece until their 30's (if at all), and by then bad habits are often hard to break. That's why you hear so many lame-o stories about friend zones from younger guys (or "asshole guys" from younger women). People who are amazing and free of flaws generally don't get ditched. All the times I was dumped, I can say with 100% honesty that I had it coming. Sometimes it could've been done more tactfully, but the times I've dumped women I've hardly been a saint about it, so I'd be a huge hypocrite if I whined.

All you can do is try and be a little bit better next time. Admitting flaws should never damage your self-esteem. Being able to admit and accept responsibility for things is a sign of character and maturity, and something that should be a source of pride.

To give you an example...I work with a guy whose wife cheated on him with his best friend. Naturally, an ugly divorce followed quickly. It would be very, very easy for him to just cast her as the bad guy and carry on as normal, because what she did was so horrible. But he'd also let himself go. He'd gained 75 lbs after they got married, and just utterly stopped trying. So he also got himself back into shape. He looked better, felt better, and now he's in a pretty great relationship with a very sweet girl. There's always SOME kind of lesson you can learn, even when you get royally fucked over. It's not like you can improve them, after all, they're gone. You can only really work on yourself.

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

Thanks for the advice, I will definitely listen to it. Hopefully I will be able to pick myself up and move on to better things.