Not sure if the title fits right or not but meh. Anyways, I have this problem where I tend to have a hard time finishing things I have started. I know that the reason is because I expect that something will happen that will stop/ruin/undo/defeat all the work I put into something, which is brought on from the forty-fifty or so times I did something (finished or closed to) and had it all smacked away. I'll split this up for those who don't want to read a fuck ton of "here is how bad my life's been"(you can tell how much I love myself can't you >.>) and no this is not a whole life story just the stuff I felt help cause the problem I am trying to fix. Also, before you mention my post history please keep in mind I have a lot of problems and possibly birth defects but please stay on this topic, I don't want some flame war spill out on here if i wanted to simply cause a flame war I'd go post everything I know about religions in R&P and just laugh as shit hit the fan so please none here.
So yeah now that the fun back story part is down, we get to the asking for advice. Even though I'm getting better I'm still having a hard time getting back into making games (which is the biggest part of who I am), simply because as it stands right now I either can't finish them, or the ones I can do will be total shit. So I was wondering, well how do you defeat defeat?(I guess it did fit) How do you get yourself to stop thinking that it's not going to work or just all the effort will go to waste?
These things ranging from video game projects I was working on when suddenly my computer dies because someone thought it would be funny to turn off my anti-virus so they could watch porn -.-, or the computer I was borrowing from my teams programmer took his back and then quit the group (so I was unable to do my modeling/animation and we were out our programmer). Out of my twenty-three game projects only two ever managed to see the light of day (most failing for similar reasons, just loosing data, people leaving, not having a budget and having to drop a project we were working on and even once or twice not being able to settle on a design that we could make on a zero dollar budget). On top of those my first four jobs I worked I was never given my final paychecks, was unable to do anything about that and in two cases hired as part of a spam hire "temp" work because the store didn't want to pay people benefits -.-. There is a long list of shit that I could mention from school but most of it didn't bother me that much except the last one that happened. I was always told to stand up for what I believed in and I believed that someone should not be teaching english literature if they only cover William Shakespeare and repeatedly states that "Edgar Allen Poe is not a true author and his poetry is not real poetry." at which point I almost through my desk at her (being a bit biased toward Poe since he was my favorite at the time) so after a month of the two of us butting heads I was given the option of drop out or be given twenty days unexcused absence and taken to court for truancy violation (which they already did to two other people). So of course I had to drop out otherwise I'd be out in the street because well...my father would have thrown me out and left me for dead rather then spend money over court deals (yeah I know great father). That covers almost all of the big and important ones, a handful of others being times were I had to give up anything and everything to act as a housemaid so my father wouldn't do anything to my younger siblings (ranging from abuse to destruction of property (and yes we tried to get DHS to do something and all they did was slap his hand and say "no you can't do that have a nice day")).
Anyway the most recent,and funnest, was last year after finally getting my siblings away from my father I was able to try and focus on myself again (having failed to find any/non-temp work) tried moving cross country to stay with family for a couple of months, find a job, and get my feet on the ground for once. I failed to think of which side of my family my aunt, who I was moving in with, belonged to...it was my fathers, well you know there is always a black sheep his siblings can't be that bad. Just to put this out first here they were/are a very christian family so I was made to attend there church each week (I was forced to do the same thing growing up so no big deal), and do basic chores around the house. So I get there first week run around town putting applications in, learning where everything is at, and fidgeting with action script (to make what would be my second game). Second week get an interview and rushed through the hiring process the same week, working two days on the clock, and getting some tech work done towards my game. Third week, proving I'm a good grunt worker get bumped up to working thirty-six hours a week, and put out my second game (actually feeling good for once, the whole new lease on life feeling). So fourth week, it turns out I was falling asleep in church which is some unwritten sin and was told if it happens again I get a bus ride back across country to an area I could not find any (good) work in for seven years, so as the week roles by I didn't think much of it till Saturday. On Saturday I had to walk to work at about 2:30 pm(just a mile and a half not that big a deal) work from then to 11:15 pm (freaking out the whole day because there was about a 98% chance it was my last day(their preacher was very boring i could be on every hyper drug known to man and still fall asleep) and nearly broke down crying in the middle of work having a full scale panic attack) had to stay at work a few extra minutes to help sort out my schedule for the next week, so I don't get back to the house till 12:15 am still freaking out a bit and unable to sleep I went to go get some fresh air and asked my cousin to leave the door unlocked and I'd be back in a few minutes(she was having a sleep over with her two pals I expected her to be up until dawn anyway) so at about 12:45 I walk back out the front door (and no I did not have a house key). After a few laps around the block I felt like a could sleep check my phone it was about 1:20 am, so I go back and the doors locked, well she must have locked it to be safe so I knocked and stood in front of the door so she could see it was me a few minutes later i knock again, their two dogs in their barking up a storm so no way they haven't come to see who it is...I had been kicked out for the night. So I went back and for to a few stores (not much money to spend so I didn't stay to avoid loitering BS) end up walking about fifteen miles in one night with the temp outside hitting freezing snow and ice on houses, lawns, and cars, finally 7:15 am roles around and I make it back to the house(they get up at 6:30 but didn't hurt to wait a few minutes knock on the front door no response, but I can hear them moving around, go to the back door at which point I am straight up told "You are NOT getting back in!" so after being told to fuck off I went grabbed breakfast and went to church sitting in the very back row since anyway in this position would fall asleep and I didn't want to "disturb" anyone, I was told to move up to the front, and knowing full well they were going to use this to send me home moved up got comfy and passed right out. After church we all climb in their van, head to their house, and I'm told to pack my things (already hit my door and was grabbing my suitcase expecting that), at least they were planning to pay for my ticket and give me time to let someone know when and where to meet me when I got off...or so I thought. I was taken out to the middle of nowhere (almost 30 minute drive to any town) and told my options were get dropped at the bus stop and pay for the ticket myself (with all that money I didn't have), or stay at this wonderful place they just brought me...which was more or less a halfway house for convicts...so yeah after that I sort of just shut down, in fact if it wasn't for the incredibly kind hearted man running said halfway house (he paid for a ticket to send me to my mother, got me to the station, and even provided me with some food/food money for the two day trip(just for the record this is a guy who had never met me before that day and knew nothing about me but what we talked about leading up to him buying me that ticket)) I'd be dead right now, not a doubt in my mind on that. So yeah this last year since that happened has been mostly me trying not to just have a full break down (came close a few times) and piece myself together you know, the type of stuff everyone should have to do when they hit 21-22.
So far for the start of the year(oh yeah that happened right at February first last year so just after my birthday (bestest B-day present eber amirite?)), I managed to move to a could/decent town, find a job working in a better town withing decent driving distance from my current home and managing (if even slightly) to keep my laptop in good/running condition(as well as myself >.>).
Anyway the most recent,and funnest, was last year after finally getting my siblings away from my father I was able to try and focus on myself again (having failed to find any/non-temp work) tried moving cross country to stay with family for a couple of months, find a job, and get my feet on the ground for once. I failed to think of which side of my family my aunt, who I was moving in with, belonged to...it was my fathers, well you know there is always a black sheep his siblings can't be that bad. Just to put this out first here they were/are a very christian family so I was made to attend there church each week (I was forced to do the same thing growing up so no big deal), and do basic chores around the house. So I get there first week run around town putting applications in, learning where everything is at, and fidgeting with action script (to make what would be my second game). Second week get an interview and rushed through the hiring process the same week, working two days on the clock, and getting some tech work done towards my game. Third week, proving I'm a good grunt worker get bumped up to working thirty-six hours a week, and put out my second game (actually feeling good for once, the whole new lease on life feeling). So fourth week, it turns out I was falling asleep in church which is some unwritten sin and was told if it happens again I get a bus ride back across country to an area I could not find any (good) work in for seven years, so as the week roles by I didn't think much of it till Saturday. On Saturday I had to walk to work at about 2:30 pm(just a mile and a half not that big a deal) work from then to 11:15 pm (freaking out the whole day because there was about a 98% chance it was my last day(their preacher was very boring i could be on every hyper drug known to man and still fall asleep) and nearly broke down crying in the middle of work having a full scale panic attack) had to stay at work a few extra minutes to help sort out my schedule for the next week, so I don't get back to the house till 12:15 am still freaking out a bit and unable to sleep I went to go get some fresh air and asked my cousin to leave the door unlocked and I'd be back in a few minutes(she was having a sleep over with her two pals I expected her to be up until dawn anyway) so at about 12:45 I walk back out the front door (and no I did not have a house key). After a few laps around the block I felt like a could sleep check my phone it was about 1:20 am, so I go back and the doors locked, well she must have locked it to be safe so I knocked and stood in front of the door so she could see it was me a few minutes later i knock again, their two dogs in their barking up a storm so no way they haven't come to see who it is...I had been kicked out for the night. So I went back and for to a few stores (not much money to spend so I didn't stay to avoid loitering BS) end up walking about fifteen miles in one night with the temp outside hitting freezing snow and ice on houses, lawns, and cars, finally 7:15 am roles around and I make it back to the house(they get up at 6:30 but didn't hurt to wait a few minutes knock on the front door no response, but I can hear them moving around, go to the back door at which point I am straight up told "You are NOT getting back in!" so after being told to fuck off I went grabbed breakfast and went to church sitting in the very back row since anyway in this position would fall asleep and I didn't want to "disturb" anyone, I was told to move up to the front, and knowing full well they were going to use this to send me home moved up got comfy and passed right out. After church we all climb in their van, head to their house, and I'm told to pack my things (already hit my door and was grabbing my suitcase expecting that), at least they were planning to pay for my ticket and give me time to let someone know when and where to meet me when I got off...or so I thought. I was taken out to the middle of nowhere (almost 30 minute drive to any town) and told my options were get dropped at the bus stop and pay for the ticket myself (with all that money I didn't have), or stay at this wonderful place they just brought me...which was more or less a halfway house for convicts...so yeah after that I sort of just shut down, in fact if it wasn't for the incredibly kind hearted man running said halfway house (he paid for a ticket to send me to my mother, got me to the station, and even provided me with some food/food money for the two day trip(just for the record this is a guy who had never met me before that day and knew nothing about me but what we talked about leading up to him buying me that ticket)) I'd be dead right now, not a doubt in my mind on that. So yeah this last year since that happened has been mostly me trying not to just have a full break down (came close a few times) and piece myself together you know, the type of stuff everyone should have to do when they hit 21-22.
So far for the start of the year(oh yeah that happened right at February first last year so just after my birthday (bestest B-day present eber amirite?)), I managed to move to a could/decent town, find a job working in a better town withing decent driving distance from my current home and managing (if even slightly) to keep my laptop in good/running condition(as well as myself >.>).
Basically I have had my work stolen, corrupted, destroyed, and erased. Been cheated out of pay from employers and let-go from quick hiring shady work. Used as more or less a slave most of my life forced to raise my younger siblings as kids and even taking care of a fat abomination who should have died a long time ago (just from his bad eating habits(fucker was 500 pounds), gout, arthritis, jacked up back from falling at work(mainly because he was to fat to see he was on ice), and so on). Forced out of school because I stood up for what was right, and when I thought I had gone through my "required amount of shit" for my lifetime, I got left in a building of ex-convicts basically to die by my aunt.
Just recently I started to get back on my feet, just finished my first week at a new job, my "new but slightly old computer" is still working fairly well, and in about another month I might get to start hunting for my first house (rent most likely but it counts to me dammit)
Just recently I started to get back on my feet, just finished my first week at a new job, my "new but slightly old computer" is still working fairly well, and in about another month I might get to start hunting for my first house (rent most likely but it counts to me dammit)
So yeah now that the fun back story part is down, we get to the asking for advice. Even though I'm getting better I'm still having a hard time getting back into making games (which is the biggest part of who I am), simply because as it stands right now I either can't finish them, or the ones I can do will be total shit. So I was wondering, well how do you defeat defeat?(I guess it did fit) How do you get yourself to stop thinking that it's not going to work or just all the effort will go to waste?
