How to douse the torch?

[DarklordKyo]

A while back, I had a breakup and, luckily, my ex and I are still friends. Unfortunately, I'm still carrying a torch for her months after the breakup. As real men have hearts of stone when it comes to these situations, and should be able to get over it after a day at most, can anyone give me advice on dousing the torch still lit in mt pansy-assed heart? (while still staying friends with her).

 

[Saelune]

I thought this was going to be about defeating Marvel's The Human Torch.

I would say, ask why you two are still friends. Might sound mean but, maybe you are just friends still because of said torch for her.

Did you start as friends then date later, or was it you met, dated, but then tried to stay friends? If its the former, remember what it was like before you dated, and just try to view her like you might friends you arent attracted to. If its the latter, maybe "staying friends" isnt really a viable option.

 

[DarklordKyo]

I thought this was going to be about defeating Marvel's The Human Torch.

I would say, ask why you two are still friends. Might sound mean but, maybe you are just friends still because of said torch for her.

Did you start as friends then date later, or was it you met, dated, but then tried to stay friends? If its the former, remember what it was like before you dated, and just try to view her like you might friends you arent attracted to. If its the latter, maybe "staying friends" isnt really a viable option.

It's the former, we were friends in high school, started dating after, dated for a few years, and we broke up.

 

[Saelune]

I thought this was going to be about defeating Marvel's The Human Torch.

I would say, ask why you two are still friends. Might sound mean but, maybe you are just friends still because of said torch for her.

Did you start as friends then date later, or was it you met, dated, but then tried to stay friends? If its the former, remember what it was like before you dated, and just try to view her like you might friends you arent attracted to. If its the latter, maybe "staying friends" isnt really a viable option.

It's the former, we were friends in high school, started dating after, dated for a few years, and we broke up.

Well then, perhaps try remembering why you liked them as a friend, but also why it did not work out. You probably wont be able to fully get over it, atleast until someone else comes along, not that you should force yourself into a new relationship, cause thats usually bad if its just a rebound thing, but hopefully it can help keep it under control.

(Yay run on sentences...)

 

[Evil Moo]

As far as I can see, you have a few options:

1. Remove her from your life and wait for the flame to die.

2. Discover something horrible about her that extinguishes your torch and actually makes you want to do #1. Alternatively, let her discover something horrible about you, so she does #1 for you.

3. Find someone else who you want to carry your torch for more than you do for her.

4. Continue waiting and hope some more time helps.

 

[CrazyCapnMorgan]

I think the final line from an episode of The Pirates of Dark Water says it best:

"You have to know which memories to keep, and which memories to leave behind."

Take it from someone who very nearly got married.

 

[Addendum_Forthcoming]

Don't. Let it fester into a deepseated flame that will impel you to fill all your waking moments with productive busywork of all stripes as a means to take your mind off it, but only ever temporarily. Either that or find someone else to pine for. But only the weak do that... break the cycle. Concentrate on academia and individual creativity. What's the point, otherwise? Apart from a drill bit lodged strategically into your hippocampus the stimuli that she presents will fire many of the same neurons in similar patterns of activity in your brain, so you might as well change that relationship from romantic feelings to finding other stimuli to preoccupy yourself.

If what you're asking is; "How can I stop thinking of her while *constantly being around her*..."? Then you should simply associate her memory with busywork and a drive to do other stuff that is tedious but useful and pays dividends ... if only to pursue self-constructed purpose or monetary gain. Also... key rule to remember is this is *all you* ... has nothing to do with her. Or maybe it does? Maybe in the end she wants to be close to you while she weighs up her true feelings as well? Same way you're struggling to define how you feel maybe that's how she feels, also.

But this is hypothetical and you know what you get when you assume ...

This is why so many people are considered one's 'muse'. And a muse can be a powerful thing... whether or not this is successful in its goal, at the very least it's a useful cognitive device. People say all invention is born from pain and sacrifice. In truth I reckon it's frustration with themselves or others. Hence why so much stuff reminds people of a phallus.

Then again I have to take antipsychotics to retain my beloved 'high functioning' status that is arbitrarily measured, so maybe you shouldn't take my advice.

 

[Bobular]

I thought this was going to be about defeating Marvel's The Human Torch.

I would say, ask why you two are still friends. Might sound mean but, maybe you are just friends still because of said torch for her.

Did you start as friends then date later, or was it you met, dated, but then tried to stay friends? If its the former, remember what it was like before you dated, and just try to view her like you might friends you arent attracted to. If its the latter, maybe "staying friends" isnt really a viable option.

It's the former, we were friends in high school, started dating after, dated for a few years, and we broke up.

Well then, perhaps try remembering why you liked them as a friend, but also why it did not work out. You probably wont be able to fully get over it, atleast until someone else comes along, not that you should force yourself into a new relationship, cause thats usually bad if its just a rebound thing, but hopefully it can help keep it under control.

(Yay run on sentences...)

My advise is basically this. I knew a guy who dated an old friend, then after they stopped dating he became extremely over protective of her, he basically drove every other guy she dated away and it really strained their relationship[footnote]Though to be honest one of the guys actually deserved to be chased away, I didn't really hang around with her that much but even I knew that guy was bad news[/footnote], he knew what he was doing and always regretted how he acted afterwards but he just couldn't help himself. This only stopped when he got himself a new girlfriend and concentrated on her.

I think until you get yourself a new focus for your feelings they will remain with your ex, even if its just a bit and that can be problematic if your still around her as a friend.

But as Saelune said, don't just go for the first girl you see on the rebound, that rarely ends well.

 

[JohnnyDelRay]

Is it your first really serious relationship? If it was, just remember that the flame does die eventually, but yes it *does* die, and the sooner you can get to living your own life the better. Just keeping involved in other things, hanging out with other people, just getting passionate about whatever does help tremendously. Less idle time for your mind to think of her and other stupid shit like what if you were back together.

Yes, rebound female is a bad idea, unless you have been through several relationships and you can come out with a person and tell them exactly what's up and that you're not carrying baggage. Which in this case, you obviously are. So just get your mind convoluted with other things for now. A grindy, long, story-intensive RPG is good, so is a thought-provoking series of a show or books. Or even a solo sport, if you're not a social type of guy. Yes, I'm talking from hard-borne experience.

 

[Glongpre]

A while back, I had a breakup and, luckily, my ex and I are still friends. Unfortunately, I'm still carrying a torch for her months after the breakup. As real men have hearts of stone when it comes to these situations, and should be able to get over it after a day at most, can anyone give me advice on dousing the torch still lit in mt pansy-assed heart? (while still staying friends with her).

Man, you need to ditch this, "I am a tough guy, real man, I don't share my feelings" bullshit. It is counter productive.

I am still friends with my first girlfriend. I think I probably still wanted to be with her for a good 6 months, and it didn't help that we were going to college together. We had a good friendship before hand.
What eventually helped me get over her, was her telling me why she did not want to be in a relationship with me. Which was that she did not have those feelings for me, and so I was able to realize that it would never happen, and move on.

So I ask, have you gotten closure on this relationship?

Also, as was said, think about why you were friends, and if you still enjoy hanging out with her. If no, then I see no reason to stay friends.

 

[Silentpony_v1legacy]

See I just permanently remove my exes from my life. If I can still stand to talk to them, listen to them, and be around them, we should still be dating and whatever drama de'jur can be dealt with.
Its only when you're frothing at the mouth at their bullshit that you need to call it quits, and then its a blessing to not hear from them.

So if you're still carrying a torch, try to get back together with them. If you want to douse that torch, cut them out entirely, block them, unfriend them, delete their number, etc etc, and maybe try to talk to them again in 5-10 years.

 

[the December King]

A while back, I had a breakup and, luckily, my ex and I are still friends. Unfortunately, I'm still carrying a torch for her months after the breakup. As real men have hearts of stone when it comes to these situations, and should be able to get over it after a day at most, can anyone give me advice on dousing the torch still lit in mt pansy-assed heart? (while still staying friends with her).

That can be rough.

Real men seem to have hearts of stone. Real men appear to get over it in a day. But this was an event that shaped your life, and will continue to do so even long after the flame is out, and life has changed. You owe it to yourself to see that for what it is, that having feelings is part of the experience, and accept that this is something that makes you a man... though it's not easy.

Distance is good, but it doesn't have to be physical, necessarily. I'd try something new (and I did). A new skill, a new course, a new hobby, not to take your mind off of her necessarily, but just to change the tempo- it will help you sort out yourself. And yeah, it can take your mind off of her for a bit, which can help douse the torch. If you're not interested in looking into other things, fling yourself into something you do like for a while. I don't see this as 'running away', it's to help you gain perspective.

There's no need to cut her out of your life entirely. But 'friends' means you simply aren't as close as you were before (Unless your relationship was very unorthodox to begin with). You need to accept that that is what she wants, maybe even remember that it is better this way for yourself, and if she is already dating, then you owe it to yourself to move on, too (that is to say, to change your focus, which doesn't necessarily mean dating or seeing others, but certainly can).

 

[sanquin]

Cutting off all ties for a while might help. That's what did it for me. It still took me a few months though.

 

[aegix drakan_v1legacy]

A while back, I had a breakup and, luckily, my ex and I are still friends. Unfortunately, I'm still carrying a torch for her months after the breakup. As real men have hearts of stone when it comes to these situations, and should be able to get over it after a day at most, can anyone give me advice on dousing the torch still lit in mt pansy-assed heart? (while still staying friends with her).

OOOOF...

If you want to stay friends with her...I can't really help you too much there.

In my case, the only way to start the healing process was to stop considering her a friend entirely and focus entirely on myself and what I needed for a while, radically reforging my emotional self (Building your entire sense of self-esteem on a relationship is a BAD idea it turns out). Even then it took 2 years for the pain and "wishing she was still here" to go away. I am JUST NOW able to look back on old memories without pain, just mild irritation.

Also, "real men" don't have "hearts of stone". "Real men" just suppress things on the outside to look stoic and tough and masculine and drown their inner torment with alcohol until it turns to rage and they hate their exes with extreme silent viciousness and almost never manage to deal with their issues and find peace.

So... Screw being a "real man". Be a human. FEEL those emotions. Cry and scream into a pillow and let it out if you have to (From personal experience, it actually really helps in the short term as a means to process the trauma and set it up for the longer fixes that need to happen after). Then take the time you need to address the situation.

This can mean not seeing the person for a while as you sort out your feelings, this can mean having a serious discussion with them about why it didn't and can't work for you both, this can mean cutting them from your life entirely (What I wound up having to do), this can mean refocusing on other important things in your life and finding new things to pour your passion into, this can mean seeing a therapist for a while.

It's not an exact science and there's no universal answer.

But for your sake, stop carrying the torch. That will just hurt you continuously over the long term and prevent you from moving on.

 

[Catnip1024]

The same way you douse any torch - bucket of ice cold water. Or copious amounts of alcohol, but that could wind up being counterproductive.

Flee the country?

There is a reason why I'm not an agony aunt. Although, on a serious note, I've found jogging a great way to get some clear thinking done. Stops you getting all et up about things while thinking them over.

 

[DarklordKyo]

The same way you douse any torch - bucket of ice cold water. Or copious amounts of alcohol, but that could wind up being counterproductive.

Flee the country?

There is a reason why I'm not an agony aunt. Although, on a serious note, I've found jogging a great way to get some clear thinking done. Stops you getting all et up about things while thinking them over.

Appreciate the feedback, but leaving the country isn't really an option.

 

[balladbird]

Sadly, the only cure is time. I've been where you sit many times. I don't think I've ever been the one to instigate a break up in all my life, so I'm generally the one who still has feelings lingering afterward. XD

One thing I will say is that, even if you're still friends, it's not quite a sincere friendship since you do still want it to be more. In 100% of my past breakups, I had to eventually cease contact with my exes to stop pining over them, and to date I only occasionally have contact with any of them. Not saying you have to do that, but be prepared for it to take far longer to get over your flame if you don't. Sadly, there's a reason the vast majority of romantic partners don't remain friends after they break up, even if it's done amicably.

 

[Strazdas]

All my ex's live in Texas / And that's why I hang my hat in Tennessee

The quickest way to achieve what you want is to remove her and anything that reminds you of her from your life.

Or you could not, and keep carrying the torch for years. Trust me its not a nice feeling though, so take step 1.

 

[Padwolf]

Well, give it time and space. Just focus more on other people and other things. Think about why the relationship didn't work and consider just why you still want to stay friends.

 

[DarklordKyo]

Also, "real men" don't have "hearts of stone". "Real men" just suppress things on the outside to look stoic and tough and masculine and drown their inner torment with alcohol until it turns to rage and they hate their exes with extreme silent viciousness and almost never manage to deal with their issues and find peace.

What about those of us who don't deserve peace.