Hurricane Jose Will be Deported, White House Says

PsychicTaco115

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Hurricane Jose Will be Deported, White House Says

Taco News Network is where Buzzfeed goes to get sources for its Top Ten Lists. It's where Rush Limbaugh and Keith Olbermann come to discuss topics for their shows. It's where nightly news becomes nicotine for the everyman. We dig to find the truth where none may be, and bring it out of the murk to you for your intellectual pleasure.


//cdn.themis-media.com/media/global/images/library/deriv/1424/1424826.pngIn a press release from the White House that we forgot about at the bottom of our outbox, FEMA and ICE have revealed that they are working together to deport Hurricane Jose from the United States as soon as it touches down in Florida.

"With illegal immigration being a primary focus of our administration, letting an entity like this enter US soil illegally with a name like Jose would be a disaster. Our officials have come together to have a plan before it reaches the coast," said White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, "to quickly apprehend and deport the hurricane back to Mexico."

"What's important is the safety of all US citizens. We don't want an illegally immigrated hurricane to use up valuable resources that should be serving the American taxpayer. FEMA is already running dry on funds after Harvey, and we need to deal with Irma now too. By handing Jose over to the Mexican authorities as soon as we have him, this will be a plan that's cheap, effective and works."


Although our own field reporter showed up to the official press briefing ahead of schedule, his designated spot had already been filled by one a reporter from the Huffington Post. The reporter, provided as part of a minority outreach program to help improve the network's diversity quota, sat outside the press room and deciphered the muffles into semi-coherent notes. The report continues below, although CNN may have already gotten most of the clicks.

"Thanks to the brave patriots who've already opened fire on Hurricane Irma in legal defense of their property and second amendment rights, we understand that a grassroots, violent solution is not what's best for the American people. While we respect the value of the 2nd amendment, this does count as a Non-Aggression Principle violation and are now planning on pursuing this next storm with other professionals. We've already lost enough lives to this tragic event, the last thing we need now is deaths that can be prevented," said Sanders.When asked if climate change may have contributed to the increase in violent storms in the southeast, Sanders quickly called for security to escort the journalist to the Trump Gulag.

Donald Trump also responded after the press conference, tweeting "The levee wall just got 10 feet taller! Jose must go back NOW, Mexico not sending their best."

Be on the lookout for Hurricane Pilar, which authorities plan on sending to Guantanamo Bay for suspected links to Al-Qaeda.

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tippy2k2

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Finally! I've been looking for a news source that wasn't just #FakeNews. My prayers have been answered!!!
 

Worgen

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Whatever, just wash your hands.
Truely now we are the king of news sources. ALL HAIR TACO NEWS!!!#
 

Canadamus Prime

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The sad part is that this is completely believable. I would totally buy that the Trump Administration is that mind-numbingly stupid.
 

Saelune

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...Can we please not do this? Like, really, come on. Was bad enough when we allowed it in the forums, now we're going to make up BS and make it into actual articles?
 

animeprime

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What the hell? This isn't even tangentially related to gaming or geekdom. Why on earth are you publishing stories like this? It isn't even an original or clever joke. Anyone with two brain cells can think up "Hurricane has Mexican name, Trump wants to deport it, hur hur hur!"
 

JenSeven

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Oct 19, 2010
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Okay, how should I take this?

A hurricane that can cost the lives and houses and property of a LOT of people, and then writing a parody news story about it.

Making fun of a tragic disaster?

Does anyone else here find a complete lack of taste here?
 

Fat Hippo

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Jeez Louise people, stop getting so many bees in your bonnet. I found the article funny, anyway.
 

Katherine Kerensky

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People complain about lack of content, get new, free comedy content, complain.
Just another day on the Escapist. Having a sense of humour is a bannable offence.
 

JenSeven

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Fat Hippo said:
Jeez Louise people, stop getting so many bees in your bonnet. I found the article funny, anyway.
Because yes, it's a fantastic idea to make fun of a natural disaster.
What shall we do for the next joke? Here is an idea, babies that are born with AIDS.
Yes, that sounds like a wonderful subject to make jokes about.
 

Chefsbrian

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This feels like a new low point for the Escapist. Its been over a month since the Escapist had actual gaming news, as opposed to just sponsored deals and repeats of old series. And then the first 'news' we get is... This? Disregarding being a bit tasteless, I like dark humor myself, its completely irrelevant to what the escapist actually is.

I guess we should have been a bit more specific when we asked for new content for the site.
 

vallorn

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Taco News is like the best parts of The Onion, minced up and put into a delicious corn pastry shell with spiced meat and vegetables.

I wholeheartedly support this. But now, we must debate whether the holy Taco shall be eaten on Taco Tuesday, or Taco Friday...

 

Luke O'Neill

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Easy comment, but a site called the escapist shouldn't get political. At the very least it shouldn't get political about non-game or other entertainment media content.
 

crimson5pheonix

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vallorn said:
Taco News is like the best parts of The Onion, minced up and put into a delicious corn pastry shell with spiced meat and vegetables.

I wholeheartedly support this. But now, we must debate whether the holy Taco shall be eaten on Taco Tuesday, or Taco Friday...

Tacos are strictly inferior to burritos.
 

tippy2k2

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Man, Newclassic got hate and so did Taco. I need to step up my game I guess if I'm going to become a real Escapist contributor...

I guess someone told me I had a game release missing from my news story but it seemed more informative than hatred :(
 

McElroy

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JenSeven said:
A hurricane that can cost the lives and houses and property of a LOT of people, and then writing a parody news story about it.
"Hurricane Jose was an erratic, powerful, and long-lived tropical cyclone that caused minimal damage throughout its entire lifespan."

But sure if you equate this to any and all kinds of dark humor (of which this is not an example)...

JenSeven said:
Because yes, it's a fantastic idea to make fun of a natural disaster.
What shall we do for the next joke? Here is an idea, babies that are born with AIDS.
Yes, that sounds like a wonderful subject to make jokes about.
Can't argue against that - unprotected sex is natural and can end in disaster.
 

PointlessKnowledge

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I saw the topic title and said to myself, "If this isn't Taco News, then I don't want to live on this planet anymore".

It is Taco News, so I guess I get to sadly live on this planet longer
 

Poetic Nova

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Canadamus Prime said:
The sad part is that this is completely believable. I would totally buy that the Trump Administration is that mind-numbingly stupid.
For a moment I thought it was real. Not sure what to think about it that I got some amusement out of that.