I Can't Help Myself

[FreeFromMyself]

I've been thinking of posting here for a really long time, but I just, well, couldn't for some reason. It's not that I'm ashamed of feeling these things or needing help, but there's just this small thing that's preventing me somehow. Maybe it's because I just like to set up this image for myself, and any kind of thing that challenges this image is something that I just can't let through. I've been going through life with a smile on my face, cracking a lot of jokes and snarky replies, making people think I stand for something. Maybe I'll dance around these things, try to hint at what I'm really feeling a couple of times, but...well, it's pretty clear that I need to be upfront about this, but every part of me is preventing this from happening for some reason and I don't know what to do about it.

So, I've created this temporary account. Now, I can actually put this all out there. It's easier for me for some reason. Even though I feel I shouldn't have to do it this way, I can't even let myself know that I'm doing this. Knowing that a post like this will tie into my account and letting it build up on who I am for people to find out just doesn't sit well with me for some reason. But, being able to say something and not have it traced to the person I'm trying to build in front of other people, I can do that, because the person writing this right now isn't me. It's someone else talking for me. Someone who knows exactly what I want to say and for him to ask it to other people so he can show me what others are saying.

At least, it's what it feels like when I'm seeking for help in this way. I wonder if there are other ways to get real, tangible help, but without the person knowing who's wanting this help.

This may already be a lot so far, but, I feel like it's important as maybe talking about why I had to do it this way in the first place will give a bigger picture on what the problem is and what I need to do.

So...

I think I have depression, but I don't know what to do about it.

And, it makes me feel bad saying this, because, well, it seems like everybody is suffering from depression, so, it seems like it shouldn't be this real to me if everyone's feeling it. I should be better, stronger, and be able to handle it better than this knowing that others are going through this. Not because what everyone else is feeling isn't real or something that they should just get over, but...well, I really don't know how to explain this.

There was this part in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy when Arthur was finally able to see the vastness of the universe and how his home was built and how he said that this all started to make since because he had always felt that there was this big, threatening, terrifying thing, but he get's assured that everyone in the universe feels that way. It just feels a lot like that. It doesn't devalue what they are feeling, but knowing that makes it seem like that there should be a way to fix this or maybe that this feeling is just all in our head and that we should be able to perceive this problem in a better way.

Okay, I'll try to keep the rest short, I already feel verbose at this point. Here are things that I also feel are important.

-It makes me wonder if I should react to these problems differently. Is it normal to actually jump back from bad things that have happened in my life? It seems like others are able to do that, but, even if not, how would I be able to achieve keeping a certain agency that will help keep me going? There have been some really shitty things that have happened to me through High School, in fact, pretty much all of schooling prior to college, and I can't help focus on these negative things that have happened to me. Even if life is a little better(I wouldn't really call it a good life, but I'll take this over what I had back then), I just still seemed trap into these thoughts and feelings even though it's all in the past and I should focus on improving in the future. I've crashed and burned as far as an emotional state leaving High School, but I should be able to get up and start again in this new life presented to me, but I can't get up.

-I don't like being complimented or being called a good person. Probably because I don't feel that way about myself, but, then again, I'm the one knowing what's going through my head. I guess my actions can be generally summed up as nice, but my thoughts? Not so much. There's a lot of rage I feel like I need to get out and I have thoughts of hurting people and it makes me...well, it makes me feel better having those thoughts. But the people who seem to do think of me nicely and have actually told me that I'm a great guy, it makes me feel worse because I feel like they are either being disingenuous or delusional. This one person I encountered, whom I knew from high school, I was surprised that he didn't carry this sort of resentment towards me or made it apparent that he wanted nothing to do with me anymore like he did back in High School(just know that it was clear he and a couple of others thought I was annoying little, idiot prick, and, I'll admit, it wasn't without reason). When it seemed like he was okay with me again, it didn't feel right. I felt like he should have just treated me like he did back in High School, because I deserved it.

-This was the part that really made me think "Holy shit, I'm stuck, I need help" I'm the least assertive person ever, and while it seems like I've been able to get away with that without too much repercussion on my life(though, I think I'm digging myself into a hole right now, but I don't know what to do because I can't stand up for myself), I spent ten dollars on something completely fucking stupid and meaningless and on something that I had the option not to do and to be able to walk away from it, I did it anyway in order to not have to appear rude. Being dragged in to something after I thought I made myself clear that I wasn't interested in what they were selling, she said, "Hold on, we'll find something for you" and then I felt like a I couldn't break out of it. My brain, the logical part of me is telling me to just say no, and walk away with no feelings hurt, every thing else was forcing me to just complete the transaction because...I really don't know...

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I know that there are people out there willing to help me out, but I can't bring myself to ask.

I mean, I don't even know what I'm trying to accomplish posting here, but, I need to be pushed in some sort of direction. Even posting on a one time account has to be better than just going through life feeling this way.

 

[Simalacrum]

I'll be honest, its kind of hard to reply to this? there appears to be a LOT of pent up feelings here.

Really, I think getting help is the best way to go about it. Sadly theres only so much a bunch of gamers on an Internet forum can do for you; what you need is people who are trained to deal with these things.

If you feel like you have a persona to keep up and that you're afraid that someone might find out the 'real' you behind all this, then thats ok, there should be confidential ways of seeking help, such as anonymous helplines for depression.

I'm really sorry I can't help you more, man; its kind of a lot of things to read through ><

 

[FreeFromMyself]

Thanks for trying to help out.

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself as it's not even like I want to keep up this "persona". Sure, there are things that I like of what I provided out of this, but, it somehow also prevents me from saying things that I really want to say, things I should be comfortable talking about, yet, there's just something that's holding me back from really saying or doing anything about it.

So, yeah, bottled up feelings seems to be the best way to describe it, but I guess I've never really done anything about it because I've always had this safety net to fall back on. I've been able to get through without it affecting my stability of actually living, but my time is running out really quickly. I still live with my parents who seem to be more willing to put up with things I really don't want to in order to just live their lives, and anything that requires a lot of money that I'll need to pay I've just been spending out of my savings.

I'll just save you the sob story(I had another long wall of text ready, but, I need to keep this short) and just say that it seems hard for me not to stop focusing on these negative feelings. I just want to be able to get up and keep going no matter what I'm feeling.

I did have a job once for a couple of months, and it wasn't a bad one either, but I couldn't escape the feeling of that "Shit, I have to go back to work" especially at this one point where it seemed like they needed me almost every day for that one month. I was better off for having it to as I didn't need to be worried about how I was going to dance around paying for this next big thing I have no way of avoiding, but I just hated the feeling so much that I didn't want to continue no matter how much it was helping me.

I feel like I need help from somewhere, somehow. But, I want it from someone of whom I know can help me, life a professional. But, I'm sort of afraid of seeking for this help too.

 

[Rylot]

So I'd written a whole long response that the Escapist didn't like so it ate it. I've got to go to bed so here's the short version:

1.) Why do you feel you can't tell anyone about your problems? Do you think that your friends and family will suddenly think less of you? That there's just too much stigma and misunderstanding around mental illnesses?

2.) Why do you feel like you can't see a professional? You seem to know you need help but don't want to seek it out. Humans have organized ourselves into societies specifically because we need to and often do rely on each other. You need to rely on people right now, later on people will need you. It's how we function and survive. Being a strong person doesn't mean never needing help, it means being smart enough and courageous enough to know when to fight through our fears and pride to seek the help we need.

3.) If you still want to talk with someone PM me. I've got no idea what your primary account might be and I don't give a shit. I just know talking it out can really help. I've got to go to bed soon but I promise I'll respond in the morning. Good night, and good luck.

 

[nariette]

Okay, so we can safely say that you have a problem. Personally, I think that you have troubles expressing your problems, or acknowledging that they are there. Lots of depressed people think: "Oh, there are people with real problems, so I shouldn't be sad, there are people who've got it worse". Of course, there will always be people who have a worse problem than you have(I'm talking about third world countries). But that doesn't mean your problem is irrelevant. There is no one that can tell you how you should feel. And when a lot of things are coming right at you, it's normal to be confused, and depressed. There are loads of people who rather want to be alone, but sometimes you do need a person to talk to.

It's normal to dislike being complimented, lots of people have the same problem, because it embarasses them. It's normal for that acquintance to act mature and be polite. You both grew up since high school, and he probably realizes that too. I think he has forgiven you, if he ever was angry with you. He knows that you both are older now, and more mature.

I think you are the kind of person that in my language would be called a "binnenvetter", someone who never talks about the personal things in his life that affect him but rather keeps it inside to the point where it's too much to deal with and he just needs someone.

In short, I think you need to find someone to talk to, someone who you feel comfortable to talk to. That can be a family member, a friend in real life or internet, or a professional. If you want to you can pm me, doesn't matter from which account. I hope this has been useful to you, and that I have not made things worse.

 

[Conner42]

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Well, thanks for the responses guys. Even posting anonymously, I was still afraid of what people were going to say, but you guys have been really encouraging though. Thanks for the offers of you guys on being open to still discuss these matters with me, but I didn't really want to put much more on anyone on this website, so, I've managed to talk to my brother about these problems after the replies I've been getting here. I actually do feel a bit better. Probably not completely or even that substantially better, but enough to want to seek more help.

So, thanks for the encouraging posts, they mean a lot!

 

[Just_A_COMS_Major]

It pained me to read your initial post, as I, too, am currently suffering almost exactly the same problems. I am glad to hear that you have decided to seek help because that is probably the best way to deal aside from just venting. It's hard to talk about such things because of the way we think people will see us; it's perfectly understandable. As you work your way through this, I hope you will feel comfortable to post more about your journey. I would like to see how well it works out for you, so that I can be inspired to do the same without fear of serious judgment from my friends, family, peers, etc. You're doing the best thing for yourself, and I am really glad to see the genuine encouragement in this thread.

 

[Mr.Cynic88]

Depression is a steep slope that hard to climb out of but easy to fall into. It feels like you have to go through a lot of shit without a guaranteed outcome, but seeking help is so worth it.

Personally, I think it's all about looking inward. You have to see past the lies you are telling yourself to determine why you are actually acting or feeling certain ways. Then you decide if you want to change that or accept it. I don't know if you've seen breaking bad, but they'res a really good scene where the therapist is talking to Jesse about self-acceptance. A lot of the time you just have to accept yourself, and then for you other things you have to make a strong effort for gradual change, because it takes time.

Totally worth it though.