I Feel Very Alone

[DannyJBeckett]

Just recently, I found out that a friend I have a very close relationship with(non-physical, mind you) is leaving the country for 19 months. I don't know when she's going, but I care very, very deeply for her, and 19 months seems like an absolute age. I've never been in a relationship, and my friendship with this girl is by far the closest friendship I've ever had. I'd go as far as saying that I love her, and have done for quite some time. She knows I care this much for her (at least I think she does), but when I did ask her out about 10 months ago, she explained to me that she doesn't seek relationships with anyone. Regardless, I 'stayed the course', determined not to let our friendship deteriorate, and we got closer to one another as friends. Heck, I even wrote on my birthday card to her that she's my best friend.
The problem is, we don't talk very much online. In fact we hardly ever talk online unless we haven't talked for a while (we live in different cities, so the only time I really spend with her is during college terms). Add to that the fact that she's rarely online as it is, and I'm seriously beginning to fear that I'll lose this close friendship with her as a result.

 

[JesterRaiin]

(snip)
I'm seriously beginning to fear that I'll lose this close friendship with her as a result.

You don't want to hear this, you don't want to acknowledge this, but the truth is - you'll probably lose it, and despite that, you'll survive. It won't be easy at first, but later you'll get used to the emptiness your significant one left and accept it.

I won't say "cheer up", because those things aren't easy for anyone, but at least try to have faith in the better future. Just don't think about it as about the end of world or something...

 

[Paul]

See if she has an email address or something, or some other method of online contact that would work over a long period of time. I know Skype tries to automatically send IMs when someone comes online but I don't know how long that works for. If she has an email address that she's happy to share with you, then you can still send her emails now and then and know she is receiving them so you can still maintain some contact.

Like JesterRaiin said, it might not work out but at least with something like email where the message will sit unread indefinitely you'll have a chance. Don't think about it as being bad either since your friendship could still endure the time she is away. Nineteen months sounds like a long time but time will go by quickly enough, so things could still work out in your favor.

 

[Jedoro]

You survived before she came along, you'll survive after she's gone for whatever reason.

Just follow xMP44x's advice and do what you can to keep in contact with her.

 

[weirdsoup]

Sorry fella, I think the problem is your view of the relationship is not the same as hers. When she turned you down with that line, that's a huge sign post saying "Welcome to the Friendzone: You'll never leave".

 

[DannyJBeckett]

Sorry fella, I think the problem is your view of the relationship is not the same as hers. When she turned you down with that line, that's a huge sign post saying "Welcome to the Friendzone: You'll never leave".

Trust me, it's not about the 'Friendzone' I've been friendzoned before, I'm already over that. I'm well aware that I'll never be 'with' her in that sense. I see her almost like the sister I wish I had (instead of the one I've got, but that's a different can o' worms). I'm just saying I share a close friendship with her and I don't want to lose that.

 

[JesterRaiin]

I'm just saying I share a close friendship with her and I don't want to lose that.

Things change, evolve. Nothing stays the same forever. It's obvious banality, but it's also truth. Accepting it makes people more mature.

Instead of giving up, or saying "not fair" try to adjust to new situation. It's not that she died. Things changed, but they'll change even more and nobody knows how. Really, just live and see what happens. Maybe you'll find that what you perceived as tragedy will lead to something better.

Have hope. Despite everything, have faith.

Edit : Come to think about it - isn't she concerned ? Wasn't there some kind of suggestion, proposition regarding situation from her side ?

 

[DannyJBeckett]

Things change, evolve. Nothing stays the same forever. It's obvious banality, but it's also truth. Accepting it makes people more mature.

Instead of giving up, or saying "not fair" try to adjust to new situation. It's not that she died. Things changed, but they'll change even more and nobody knows how. Really, just live and see what happens. Maybe you'll find that what you perceived as tragedy will lead to something better.

Have hope. Despite everything, have faith.

I know I need to try and look at this from a different perspective. I think I'm just in a mild state of shock. I should probably say that I've only known her for about a year and 4 months, it's that in that time she's had an impact in not only the way I act, but my outlook on life as a whole. I just don't think I was ready for an announcement like that from someone who quickly turned into an important aspect of my life. You're right, things change, and they were going to do so sooner or later, I just wasn't/am not ready for that change yet.

Edit : Come to think about it - isn't she concerned ? Wasn't there some kind of suggestion, proposition regarding situation from her side ?

I have no idea, as I said earlier she isn't online often, and I switched on my computer this morning to find a post on her Facebook saying "I'm off to America for 19 months!". I literally know nothing beyond that.

 

[Frostwhisper21]

This sounds like a friendzone thing. No offense, but if she was a guy (i'm going to assume you're a straight male), then you probably wouldn't have made this post at all. Is she really your friend? Or are you more interested in the romantic prospects eventually blooming?

I'm rather pessimistic on these things because I used to talk to women about their guy problems a lot... and only one of those was an actual friend zoning of me. Guys too- I saw a lot of them play the "nice guy" who really just wanted poon tang.

But if this isn't the case, then you'll live. Don't burden her with your emotional baggage on the matter. I don't know how much she cares back, but leave her with as little guilt as possible if you really care as a friend.

It's rather selfish of you otherwise, and coincides with my prior hypothesis if you do so.

I'll end this on a positive note: As I'm sure someone stated, just send E-mails. They're much more convinient than having to be on at the same time as her. If she gives a damn she'll write back. Make them long too, not a "Sup, How's America" thing. Not a very good conversation starter.

 

[DannyJBeckett]

This sounds like a friendzone thing. No offense, but if she was a guy (i'm going to assume you're a straight male), then you probably wouldn't have made this post at all. Is she really your friend? Or are you more interested in the romantic prospects eventually blooming?

I'm rather pessimistic on these things because I used to talk to women about their guy problems a lot... and only one of those was an actual friend zoning of me. Guys too- I saw a lot of them play the "nice guy" who really just wanted poon tang.

Look, for the last time, this isn't a physical thing. I know I've said that I love her, and don't get me wrong, I'd like to be in a relationship with her - if she were to suddenly say 'hey, would you like to come out sometime, just the two of us', I'd spin on a fucking 5p piece - but I know that's not going to happen, and I'm happy with that not happening. I just want to maintain a friendship with her.

 

[JesterRaiin]

Edit : Come to think about it - isn't she concerned ? Wasn't there some kind of suggestion, proposition regarding situation from her side ?

I have no idea, as I said earlier she isn't online often, and I switched on my computer this morning to find a post on her Facebook saying "I'm off to America for 19 months!". I literally know nothing beyond that.

Now it may seem a little too far fetched speculation, but when you'll be ready, try to look at this situation from this perspective :
- knowing each other for more than year
- friends4ever
- written on the FB "I'll be gone for 19 months"
- friend doesn't have a clue, she never told him she leaves
- no comment from her

What scenario you can build from these pieces ? Be honest please.

 

[Frostwhisper21]

This sounds like a friendzone thing. No offense, but if she was a guy (i'm going to assume you're a straight male), then you probably wouldn't have made this post at all. Is she really your friend? Or are you more interested in the romantic prospects eventually blooming?

I'm rather pessimistic on these things because I used to talk to women about their guy problems a lot... and only one of those was an actual friend zoning of me. Guys too- I saw a lot of them play the "nice guy" who really just wanted poon tang.

Look, for the last time, this isn't a physical thing. I know I've said that I love her, and don't get me wrong, I'd like to be in a relationship with her - if she were to suddenly say 'hey, would you like to come out sometime, just the two of us', I'd spin on a fucking 5p piece - but I know that's not going to happen, and I'm happy with that not happening. I just want to maintain a friendship with her.

My point is that your "love" is probably influencing how you feel. Would you really care enough to ask us for advice if you didn't have those types of feelings?

And from experience, I realized I did this to a few girls. That's why I ask. I did consider them friends, but when I realized I only bothered to hang out so much with them because of romantic notions, I stopped out of principle.

Your story is just such a typical Friend Zone scenario to me... I don't know how your relationship truly works so I can't make that call, but I ask you to ask yourself that before you do anything, or before she leaves in order to make the pain possibly lessen.

Regardless, there's no point in worrying so hard about this. Trying too damn hard isn't the sign of a good relationship, even a friendship. The less natural it is, the worse it'll end up.

I don't know your age either, or what's going on in your life, but 19 months is indeed a large amount of time. More likely for her, but one or both of you will change. It's just dependent on what you guys change into whether you'll still stay friends. If you guys are still in the more developmental years (~25 and below to me, especially if yall are college students) then this is doubly true.

 

[DannyJBeckett]

Now it may seem a little too far fetched speculation, but when you'll be ready, try to look at this situation from this perspective :
- knowing each other for more than year
- friends4ever
- written on the FB "I'll be gone for 19 months"
- friend doesn't have a clue, she never told him she leaves
- no comment from her

What scenario you can build from these pieces ? Be honest please.

I think I see where you're going with that.

I should say that it wasn't a private message she sent to me saying she was going, it was on her public wall. Trust me, I'm not the only one of her friends and relatives going "whoa, what?" at this. I don't even know if she's gone (I certainly hope not, college restarts tomorrow), or, if she hasn't, when she's going. Apparently not many other people know, either.

And as for the whole 'friends4ever' thing, it's not like I've been saying that, or even thinking that. I've been friendzoned before by other girls, and each time my friendships with them rapidly deteriorated afterwards, I was just determined not to let that happen this time.

 

[JesterRaiin]

I think I see where you're going with that.
(snip)

Writing something confusing like that on the FB, giving no explanation, not caring about what people think or feel...
Something is very not right here.
Mark my words.

 

[DannyJBeckett]

Trust me, I want to support her as much as I can throughout her life. I probably shouldn't be saying this on here, what with my username being my real name and all, but this friend of mine, she's had a hard time of life recently. She's been developing insomnia with increasing severity because of getting stressed at college, she's been moving backwards and forwards between college and her home because she has a relative who's really sick, and quite recently she's been put on a course of antidepressants, which has caused her to become a bit 'emotionally uninhibited'. And despite all of this, she still managed to pull a Distinction grade last year (the equivalent of straight A's). With a lot of this stuff, I'm the only one she's confided in besides family and tutors. Over the past year or so, a lot of people at college have been asking "where is she?" when she's not in. Sometimes, I genuinely haven't known either, but other times, I've had to cover for her, and people at college have accused her of being lazy or just plain bunking-off. I've held my breath about the truth of the situation each of those times because she trusted me. Heck, at one point, literally the day after she'd told me she just wanted to be friends, I nearly lashed out at a classmate who said something about her I won't care to repeat. I trust her, too. I've confided in her things I would think twice about saying to my own mother.
When she explained to me that she just wanted to be friends, she told me that it's because she's asexual (i.e. she doesn't seek physical relationships with anyone. Ever.). She'd told me this months before, but despite my better judgement I went ahead and asked her anyway. Now in spite of all that, I've promised myself that if she ever finds someone whom she does want to be with, then I'll be happy for her, even if I have to physically force myself to do so. I'd be hurt like Hell, and I'd probably feel betrayed (we're still in hypothetical mode here), but I'd make damn sure not to show her that, because in my eyes she's the one person who deserves to be made happy.

 

[Angie7F]

I had a friend who went away to Egypt for over a year, and during that time we hardly stayed in contact.
But when she got back, we hit it off as friends like we hadn't spent 12 plus months apart.

if you are really good friends, no matter how long you haven't seen them you should be ablt to pick up right where you left off.

However, the same friend and I totally grew apart after a while.

Like mentioned several times here, you have to accept the fact that people grow apart.

While she is not around, go make new friends.
You may just be too clingy to this girl because you are in a rut and it seems like she is the only close friend you have or ever have.

 

[SiskoBlue]

Part of me is a little concerned how dependent on this relationship you sound. Hanging all your social needs on one person is risky. Be sad that your friend is going away but start working on finding other friends or at least other social contact. You're going to feel a void in your life when she goes and the bigger the part she plays in your life the bigger that void will feel.

Start broadening your horizons and you'll find yourself less crushed when she goes. This applies even if she doesn't go, or stays in constant contact when she goes.

One warning I would give. If you do think you love her then this really isn't a friendship any more. It might survive, it might not but placing so much value on the relationship means it might implode regardless.

Good luck

 

[Greedy_Smurph]

Just saying.. Unless you actually get it confirmed by her.. this could actually be one of those facebook chain things. A girl i work with posted something similar and when we asked her at work she said it was some chain mail thing to raise awareness for breast cancer.

Sorry for the lack of grammar.. posting this on my handheld keyboard and my thumbs are hating me right now.

Best of luck if it turns out she is actually moving.

 

[manic_depressive13]

It seems like a big deal now but don't worry too much. When someone you care about and spend a lot of time with moves away you find it difficult to envisage your life without them. You'll probably do your best to keep in contact for the first couple of months, but then you'll discover you're talking less and less- but here's the thing: you won't care. You'll just accept that your lives are heading in different directions now and you'll realise people aren't as fun when you don't have shared experiences. It's important that when you're actually with someone that you ascribe a disproportionately large value to their importance. That's where the feeling feelings of "closeness" comes from. When they leave you tend to find it doesn't really matter and not that much has changed in your life. You'll adapt really quickly. After all, nothing lasts forever.