...and I need people to critique it before it becomes an endless abyss of plotholes.
Er, ignore that "see what i did thar" part, and don't think about too much.
Okay, so for the past couple days I've been thinking about this idea for a webcomic. I might end up writing this as just plain old text-prose-thing, but I'm not quite sure yet.
Be aware that if you do end up wanting to read it from the setting, bear in mind the storyline here will contain LOADS of spoilers. This is the whole storyline, people
Okay, first off, the setting, which is absolutely IMPERITIVE (ative? how do ya spell that? xD) to the storyline, so you kinda need to know it.
Basically, there are 4 "Planes". Each plane is home to a planet. Plane 1 is a planet called Pangeria, which is a fairly small, hot planet. For the most part, Pangeria is a barrenish wasteland-style place (think 'borderlands') with little government control outside the few supercities, next to no public education, ridiculously high crime levels, and nowhere is safe. Plane 2 is Terra, otherwise known as Earth in the year 2010. Yup. Here and now. Plane 3 is a massive planet called Starkhaven, and is very technologically advanced. Everyone lives in massive skycities above the ground, because the surface of the planet is far too dangerous, with massive predators, deadly parasites, and a humanoid reptilian species (see what i did thar) that form tribes, cannot speak human languages, and are hostile to pretty much anything they see. Plane 4 (Lithra) is artificial - it's a plane created by the AP (Anti-Planeshifting) cult, who needed a place to reside without having to planeshift. (don't worry, i'll explain the AP cult in more detail later)
However, the residents of the planes know the planes as being a bunch of mythological legends from hundreds of years ago, and very few people believe they even exist anymore.
Characters! There aren't many characters of significance (i learned from concession that the more characters you have, the more frustrating it is to follow, and the more you have to keep track of), so this is a short list.
Milacre - the protagonist. Milacre is rougly twenty or so, and lives alone in a house just outside of Yttra, a half-abandoned city on Pangeria. His mother fell ill to a disease and left to a supercity (Nexus) for healthcare. Milacre hasn't seen her since, but keeps in touch with her via telegram. His father had always hated him, and used Milacre's brother's 'death' as an excuse to pretend to commit suicide. Now his father lives a fair way away from Milacre with a group of bandits. Milacre moved out of his house to a smaller one once he became the last remaining member of his family there.
Hank - Milacre's brother. A year before the happenings of the story, Hank disappeared leaving a note saying, "Depression is killing me. Planeshifting to Starkhaven for a better life". Milacre's mother didn't believe the note, but Milacre himself wasn't sure what to think.
Garth - Milacre's best friend. Garth lives in the outskirts of Yttra, and also has a telegram line to Milacre's house. Garth, Milacre and before her death, Chloe, stick together when going into the bulk of Yttra, because there are bandits scattered everywhere. Going through alone is practically suicide. Garth was an only child, and has lived alone ever since his parents were killed by bandits when he was 16.
Chloe - Milacre and Garth's other friend in the trio. Chloe is slightly younger than Milacre and Garth, and is killed by bandits very early in the storyline.
Drake - Drake is a hermit living a ways out of Nexus. She has the ability to planeshift people.
Nazath - The main antagonist. Nazath is the leader of the AP cult, and lives on Lithra with the cult at his service.
Aaaand the storyline. This is what I want the feedback on.
Be aware these are notes copied directly out of my scrapbook, if they don't make sense, tell me and I'll edit it.
Also be aware that these are summary notes, and not a full write-out of the storyline. An individual event like Chloe's death would span about 4-10 comics.
Arc 5's a lot more detailed, though, that's why it looks significantly longer. It's not, though, they're mostly the same length, other than 3 and 6.
Arc 1 - Flee
With Chloe's death, Milacre and Garth realise Yttra is becoming too unsafe and flee to Nexus.
Halfway there, they are ambushed and kidnapped by bandits.
While trying to escape, Milacre discovers the leader of the bandits is Bryan. (i'll come up with a full, legit reason for the kidnapping ad hoc)
The arc ends with Milacre killing Bryan.
Arc 2 - Media
The police discover that Bryan is dead, and the evidence they find points to Milacre being their primary suspect. They track down Milacre.
Upon interrogation, Milacre mentions Hank's planeshifting a year or so beforehand. The media want more answers, and the topic becomes controversial, and airs on radio networks.
Milacre is constantly questioned and everyone wants his answers, and eventually he can't take it anymore and goes into hiding with Garth. Milacre attempts to planeshift out of the situation, and failing that he sinks into depression.
Arc 3 - Message
Hank speaks to Milacre in a "dream" (think furthia high but with a legit cosmic reason) and tells him about Drake, and tells Milacre to come to Starkhaven.
Milacre, still in hiding with Garth, searches for Drake by asking around. He finds that Drake lives outside of Nexus, and goes to find him.
The arc ends with Milacre being planeshifted.
(yeah, fairly short arc, i might fit in a subplot)
Arc 4 - Followed
Milacre and Garth arrive on Starkhaven and are assumed to be homeless people. Everyone they meet is confused as to why they're paranoid walking around the city, and eventually they dorm with a college student who believes their story. They don't attend college, having not previous education, and try to find Hank.
During their time in Starkhaven, Milacre and Garth feel like they are being watched.
Once they find Hank, he tells them he's also being watched.
Hank contacts Drake and gets him to planeshift the three of them to Terra to make the stalkers more 'agitated'.
Once they arrive in Terra, the stalkers are more obvious, and one even makes a full-on attack on them. They manage to knock him unconcious and get him to a secure location. There they torture him for information, and he reveals the hideout of their cult - a fourth plane, Lithra.
(even in the myths, there were only three planes, making the fourth come as a surprise)
Arc 5 - Confrontations
Upon arriving in Lithra (by means of Drake), Milacre and Garth are greeted by mysterious faceless people (note: the faceless people aren't part of the AP cult, they're mostly neutral), who capture them and take them to the hideout of the AP cult.
When they get there, Nazath tells them that no-one must ever planeshift, for the three worlds must be kept seperate, because their cultures are far too diverse and mixing them could have terrible effects.
Nazath also shows them they have taken Drake hostage, and if they try to escape, he will be killed - and they'll be trapped on Lithra.
In his cell, Milacre's guard tells him that his mother has been killed by the AP cult. Not realising it's a bluff, Milacre goes into a state of rage and knocks the guard unconcious. He takes the guard's gun and massacres the AP cult.
Nazath confronts Milacre, wielding a rocket launcher (i should probably change this, any ideas for a more suitable weapon?). He convinces Nazath to give up, and he complies, dropping his weapon.
Milacre is ordered to follow Nazath, and he does, but gives Garth a subtle signal as he walks past his cell.
Garth performs a sneak attack on Nazath, and Milacre kills him. (kills nazath, not garth xD)
Upon rescuing Drake, they realise that they cannot planeshift out of Lithra. The faceless people come to them and tell them they must not leave, but refuse to tell why (epic i-couldn't-come-up-with-a-legit-idea manouvre).
They get hold of Nazath's rocket launcher (again, ideas pl0x) and simply blast their way through the faceless peoples' defenses, and get to the platform where they arrived in Lithra. It turns out to be a planeshifting machine, and they planeshift out. To where is unspecified at the end of this arc. (everyone loves cliffhangers!)
Arc 6 - Bonds (obligatory bittersweet epilogue arc)
Milacre, Garth and Dazath come to an agreement - they will prove to everyone in the three planes that planeshifting IS possible and that the other planes DO exist, and unite the three worlds, giving them the full truth.
Hank, however, disagrees with the motion, saying that the AP cult were right - the worlds need to be kept seperate. At first he pretends Milacre convinces him that it's for the best, but he still believes Milacre, Garth and Drake are wrong, and sets out to murder them. He manages to kill Milacre and Garth, but is stopped before he can kill Drake - so planeshifting is still an option.
Eventually, the worlds do become united, with Milacre and Garth becoming legends in the eyes of the people.
/ubertext
So, there's my entire story. Like it says in the title, tell me what you think, I need all the feedback I can get... or it'll be a massive plothole-fest.
For those wondering, this is definitely not going to be a comedy. It'll be a dead serious, dark, in-your-face thriller-type-thing. As far as genre goes, think "Texhnolyze". But not so cerebral and artsy, I couldn't do something that epic.
EDIT: As far as a title goes, I've yet to decide. Originally it was going to be called 'The Proximity Experiment' and follow a COMPLETELY different storyline, but obviously it doesn't fit now. Any suggestions are welcome
For all you TL;DRers, maybe you can just skim through, try not to whine about my wall-o-text.
Be aware that if you do end up wanting to read it from the setting, bear in mind the storyline here will contain LOADS of spoilers. This is the whole storyline, people
Okay, first off, the setting, which is absolutely IMPERITIVE (ative? how do ya spell that? xD) to the storyline, so you kinda need to know it.
Basically, there are 4 "Planes". Each plane is home to a planet. Plane 1 is a planet called Pangeria, which is a fairly small, hot planet. For the most part, Pangeria is a barrenish wasteland-style place (think 'borderlands') with little government control outside the few supercities, next to no public education, ridiculously high crime levels, and nowhere is safe. Plane 2 is Terra, otherwise known as Earth in the year 2010. Yup. Here and now. Plane 3 is a massive planet called Starkhaven, and is very technologically advanced. Everyone lives in massive skycities above the ground, because the surface of the planet is far too dangerous, with massive predators, deadly parasites, and a humanoid reptilian species (see what i did thar) that form tribes, cannot speak human languages, and are hostile to pretty much anything they see. Plane 4 (Lithra) is artificial - it's a plane created by the AP (Anti-Planeshifting) cult, who needed a place to reside without having to planeshift. (don't worry, i'll explain the AP cult in more detail later)
However, the residents of the planes know the planes as being a bunch of mythological legends from hundreds of years ago, and very few people believe they even exist anymore.
Characters! There aren't many characters of significance (i learned from concession that the more characters you have, the more frustrating it is to follow, and the more you have to keep track of), so this is a short list.
Milacre - the protagonist. Milacre is rougly twenty or so, and lives alone in a house just outside of Yttra, a half-abandoned city on Pangeria. His mother fell ill to a disease and left to a supercity (Nexus) for healthcare. Milacre hasn't seen her since, but keeps in touch with her via telegram. His father had always hated him, and used Milacre's brother's 'death' as an excuse to pretend to commit suicide. Now his father lives a fair way away from Milacre with a group of bandits. Milacre moved out of his house to a smaller one once he became the last remaining member of his family there.
Hank - Milacre's brother. A year before the happenings of the story, Hank disappeared leaving a note saying, "Depression is killing me. Planeshifting to Starkhaven for a better life". Milacre's mother didn't believe the note, but Milacre himself wasn't sure what to think.
Garth - Milacre's best friend. Garth lives in the outskirts of Yttra, and also has a telegram line to Milacre's house. Garth, Milacre and before her death, Chloe, stick together when going into the bulk of Yttra, because there are bandits scattered everywhere. Going through alone is practically suicide. Garth was an only child, and has lived alone ever since his parents were killed by bandits when he was 16.
Chloe - Milacre and Garth's other friend in the trio. Chloe is slightly younger than Milacre and Garth, and is killed by bandits very early in the storyline.
Drake - Drake is a hermit living a ways out of Nexus. She has the ability to planeshift people.
Nazath - The main antagonist. Nazath is the leader of the AP cult, and lives on Lithra with the cult at his service.
Aaaand the storyline. This is what I want the feedback on.
Be aware these are notes copied directly out of my scrapbook, if they don't make sense, tell me and I'll edit it.
Also be aware that these are summary notes, and not a full write-out of the storyline. An individual event like Chloe's death would span about 4-10 comics.
Arc 5's a lot more detailed, though, that's why it looks significantly longer. It's not, though, they're mostly the same length, other than 3 and 6.
Arc 1 - Flee
With Chloe's death, Milacre and Garth realise Yttra is becoming too unsafe and flee to Nexus.
Halfway there, they are ambushed and kidnapped by bandits.
While trying to escape, Milacre discovers the leader of the bandits is Bryan. (i'll come up with a full, legit reason for the kidnapping ad hoc)
The arc ends with Milacre killing Bryan.
Arc 2 - Media
The police discover that Bryan is dead, and the evidence they find points to Milacre being their primary suspect. They track down Milacre.
Upon interrogation, Milacre mentions Hank's planeshifting a year or so beforehand. The media want more answers, and the topic becomes controversial, and airs on radio networks.
Milacre is constantly questioned and everyone wants his answers, and eventually he can't take it anymore and goes into hiding with Garth. Milacre attempts to planeshift out of the situation, and failing that he sinks into depression.
Arc 3 - Message
Hank speaks to Milacre in a "dream" (think furthia high but with a legit cosmic reason) and tells him about Drake, and tells Milacre to come to Starkhaven.
Milacre, still in hiding with Garth, searches for Drake by asking around. He finds that Drake lives outside of Nexus, and goes to find him.
The arc ends with Milacre being planeshifted.
(yeah, fairly short arc, i might fit in a subplot)
Arc 4 - Followed
Milacre and Garth arrive on Starkhaven and are assumed to be homeless people. Everyone they meet is confused as to why they're paranoid walking around the city, and eventually they dorm with a college student who believes their story. They don't attend college, having not previous education, and try to find Hank.
During their time in Starkhaven, Milacre and Garth feel like they are being watched.
Once they find Hank, he tells them he's also being watched.
Hank contacts Drake and gets him to planeshift the three of them to Terra to make the stalkers more 'agitated'.
Once they arrive in Terra, the stalkers are more obvious, and one even makes a full-on attack on them. They manage to knock him unconcious and get him to a secure location. There they torture him for information, and he reveals the hideout of their cult - a fourth plane, Lithra.
(even in the myths, there were only three planes, making the fourth come as a surprise)
Arc 5 - Confrontations
Upon arriving in Lithra (by means of Drake), Milacre and Garth are greeted by mysterious faceless people (note: the faceless people aren't part of the AP cult, they're mostly neutral), who capture them and take them to the hideout of the AP cult.
When they get there, Nazath tells them that no-one must ever planeshift, for the three worlds must be kept seperate, because their cultures are far too diverse and mixing them could have terrible effects.
Nazath also shows them they have taken Drake hostage, and if they try to escape, he will be killed - and they'll be trapped on Lithra.
In his cell, Milacre's guard tells him that his mother has been killed by the AP cult. Not realising it's a bluff, Milacre goes into a state of rage and knocks the guard unconcious. He takes the guard's gun and massacres the AP cult.
Nazath confronts Milacre, wielding a rocket launcher (i should probably change this, any ideas for a more suitable weapon?). He convinces Nazath to give up, and he complies, dropping his weapon.
Milacre is ordered to follow Nazath, and he does, but gives Garth a subtle signal as he walks past his cell.
Garth performs a sneak attack on Nazath, and Milacre kills him. (kills nazath, not garth xD)
Upon rescuing Drake, they realise that they cannot planeshift out of Lithra. The faceless people come to them and tell them they must not leave, but refuse to tell why (epic i-couldn't-come-up-with-a-legit-idea manouvre).
They get hold of Nazath's rocket launcher (again, ideas pl0x) and simply blast their way through the faceless peoples' defenses, and get to the platform where they arrived in Lithra. It turns out to be a planeshifting machine, and they planeshift out. To where is unspecified at the end of this arc. (everyone loves cliffhangers!
)Arc 6 - Bonds (obligatory bittersweet epilogue arc)
Milacre, Garth and Dazath come to an agreement - they will prove to everyone in the three planes that planeshifting IS possible and that the other planes DO exist, and unite the three worlds, giving them the full truth.
Hank, however, disagrees with the motion, saying that the AP cult were right - the worlds need to be kept seperate. At first he pretends Milacre convinces him that it's for the best, but he still believes Milacre, Garth and Drake are wrong, and sets out to murder them. He manages to kill Milacre and Garth, but is stopped before he can kill Drake - so planeshifting is still an option.
Eventually, the worlds do become united, with Milacre and Garth becoming legends in the eyes of the people.
/ubertext
So, there's my entire story. Like it says in the title, tell me what you think, I need all the feedback I can get... or it'll be a massive plothole-fest.
For those wondering, this is definitely not going to be a comedy. It'll be a dead serious, dark, in-your-face thriller-type-thing. As far as genre goes, think "Texhnolyze". But not so cerebral and artsy, I couldn't do something that epic.
EDIT: As far as a title goes, I've yet to decide. Originally it was going to be called 'The Proximity Experiment' and follow a COMPLETELY different storyline, but obviously it doesn't fit now. Any suggestions are welcome
For all you TL;DRers, maybe you can just skim through, try not to whine about my wall-o-text.
Er, ignore that "see what i did thar" part, and don't think about too much.
