I need some good jokes
- Thread starter The_Amazing_G
- Start date
Recommended Videos
An atheist and a theist are talking about a scandal,
the atheist replies: "oh my god?"
the theist responds: "You have a god?"
the atheist replies: "oh my god?"
the theist responds: "You have a god?"
What do vegetarian Zombies eat?
Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains
What's a pirates favorite letter?
Aye!
What's a pirates second favorite letter?
Arr!
o_o
I'll show myself out...
Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains
What's a pirates favorite letter?
Aye!
What's a pirates second favorite letter?
Arr!
o_o
I'll show myself out...
Edit: Spoiler just in case people get offended (can never be too sure)
A Older gentleman is on a train to Pittsburgh when he spots another man who looks like he's really having a rough day. He walks over and asks the man what's wrong.
"Oh my god" says the man. "I have had the worst day possible."
The older gentleman looks at him and smiles, replying "Aw come on, it can't be that bad. What happened?"
The man says "Well...when I went to buy my ticket, I thought the woman at the ticket counter was really beautiful. I couldn't stop staring at her. I mean, just amazingly hot. However, when I went up to her, I wanted to say 'Can I get a ticket to Pittsburgh' but what came out was 'Can I get a picket to Titsburgh"
The older gentleman smiles and replies "Well that's not too bad..."
The man quickly replies "That's not even the worst of it! After that, she began to get my change and I wanted to ask for nickles and dimes, but accidentally said 'can I get some nipples and dimes'....I'm a complete loser..."
The older gentleman says "Oh son. Don't worry about it. See, what you've done is called a Freudian slip. It's when you say one thing while thinking another. It's like the other day, I was having dinner with the Wife and kids. What I WANTED to say was 'Honey can you please pass the salt' but what came out was 'YOU ***** YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!!"
"Oh my god" says the man. "I have had the worst day possible."
The older gentleman looks at him and smiles, replying "Aw come on, it can't be that bad. What happened?"
The man says "Well...when I went to buy my ticket, I thought the woman at the ticket counter was really beautiful. I couldn't stop staring at her. I mean, just amazingly hot. However, when I went up to her, I wanted to say 'Can I get a ticket to Pittsburgh' but what came out was 'Can I get a picket to Titsburgh"
The older gentleman smiles and replies "Well that's not too bad..."
The man quickly replies "That's not even the worst of it! After that, she began to get my change and I wanted to ask for nickles and dimes, but accidentally said 'can I get some nipples and dimes'....I'm a complete loser..."
The older gentleman says "Oh son. Don't worry about it. See, what you've done is called a Freudian slip. It's when you say one thing while thinking another. It's like the other day, I was having dinner with the Wife and kids. What I WANTED to say was 'Honey can you please pass the salt' but what came out was 'YOU ***** YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!!"
The current state of the gaming industry.
OT: There's this pub, and all the people inside have been drinking a lot and they all drive cars. So, naturally, the police all come along, waiting to bust some people for DUI. They all stay in the pub for a very long time, when eventually one man, stumbling and shaking, comes out and gets into his car. Naturally, all the cops follow him and pull him over. When they look inside, though, the man is perfectly sober. They ask him about this, and he says he's the DD. "What do you mean, designated driver?" a cop asks. And the man replies, "No, designated decoy."
OT: There's this pub, and all the people inside have been drinking a lot and they all drive cars. So, naturally, the police all come along, waiting to bust some people for DUI. They all stay in the pub for a very long time, when eventually one man, stumbling and shaking, comes out and gets into his car. Naturally, all the cops follow him and pull him over. When they look inside, though, the man is perfectly sober. They ask him about this, and he says he's the DD. "What do you mean, designated driver?" a cop asks. And the man replies, "No, designated decoy."
Two men and a woman want to join the CIA, and are each told "Behind these doors are your spouses. Here is a handgun, we want you to kill them or you can't join the CIA."
The first man walks in, silence, then he walks out and says "I can't do it."
The second man walks in, silence for a few minutes, then he walks out in tears.
The woman walks in, there are three gunshots and then shouting, banging and thumping. The woman walks out, hands over the gun and says "You could've told me it had blanks in, I had to beat him to death with a chair."
The first man walks in, silence, then he walks out and says "I can't do it."
The second man walks in, silence for a few minutes, then he walks out in tears.
The woman walks in, there are three gunshots and then shouting, banging and thumping. The woman walks out, hands over the gun and says "You could've told me it had blanks in, I had to beat him to death with a chair."
Funnily enough, I was driving through my friend?s hometown and I came across an Ethiopian restaurant. The people in the restaurant looked really hungry.Bucky01 said:
Assuming a woman has a period from the age of 13 to 50, that is about 444 periods, and assuming they each last for an entire week, that's 8,5 years of their time spent bleeding.
... Never trust a creature that can bleed so much and still live!
---
---
Normally, a human being is composed of 75% water and other components are in the minority.
At the exception for Charlie Sheen; His body consists of 75% cocain and other components are in the minority.
... Never trust a creature that can bleed so much and still live!
---
---
Normally, a human being is composed of 75% water and other components are in the minority.
At the exception for Charlie Sheen; His body consists of 75% cocain and other components are in the minority.
sounds like Hugh Dennis on Mock the Week.Seishisha said:
because i instantly thought:
"Pour milk on and there you have it. Cereal."
