I really need some advice forgiving and forgetting...

[Leviathan2745]

Hey all,

First of all, I am already on the Escapist as another username, I just wanted to stay anonymous with this problem so I hope that won't be a problem.

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost a year now. I love her with all my heart and I know she loves me as much too. In less than a year, we're moving to Australia together and this is obviously a huge step in starting a new life together. Everything about her is perfect... She's beautiful, she's so kind and considerate of me and I care about her a crazy amount. I seriously would die for her.

Now it's not all amazing though. Two months ago, I found out that she got drunk at a party and had unprotected sex with someone else. Obviously, I was crushed to find this out. This actually happened around six months earlier when we had broken up for a few weeks after an argument but none the less, it hit me really fucking hard.

We had many long conversations after I found out and these are the things that are apparent;

1. She loves me a hell of a lot and regrets doing it. She told me she only did it because the guy looked like me and she was upset because she we broke up a few days before.

2. She was really drunk and didn't think much about what was happening.

3. This is the one that hurts the most.... Because he didn't wear any protection, he finished inside her.

There was a period of two weeks or so where we were both worried she might be pregnant because of this. Thankfully, she had her period and things were alright. It still really bothered me that we thought the woman I loved was going to have some random guy's baby.
Now, obviously I can't tell you guys everything because there's so much to tell and I doubt you guys would read all of this.
However, since this happend I have forgiven her but knowing it happens still plagues me often.

I have forgiven her, but it still sits there in the back of my mind and quite often, I think about it and it really brings me down. Things between us have been great since then and I'm really looking forward to starting a new life with her when we both move to Australia. But I just can't get this out of my head... I need to find some way to get this out completely. I don't want this fucking things up with her because she really is the woman I want to be with forever.

We've tried talking about it before but that doesn't work because it reminds her of what happened and it brings all the pain back for her because obviously, she's not proud of it and regrets that it happend... She just clams up and gets really depressed until we talk about something else.

It's affecting how things are with us though. She knows it still bothers me and has said that I need to forgive and forget about it or leave because it's damaging our relationship. I don't want to leave her because of this, but I also can't have this in my mind for the rest of my life.

The reason I've wrote all that (sorry by the way), is because I'm asking for your help... Guys and Gals of the Escapist, how can I get this out of my mind so it doesn't ruin the best relationship of my life?

Thanks in advance for any advice you give me. I really appreciate it.

Have a good day my fellow Escapees.

 

[Julianking93]

First off, I just want to say how awful that is and how sorry I am for this happening. That story.... is actually one of my biggest fears of happening (right down to every detail, in fact) so I understand how hard it must be.

Now, onto the issue;
I honestly don't think you have fully "forgiven her" as you said it's still in the back of your mind. This may just be you rethinking the incident in your head but if you honestly forgave her, you wouldn't have these thoughts at all. In order to fully forgive her and to move on, you have to discuss it with her. Don't let her say she doesn't want to talk about it. If it's an issue, it needs to be discussed, no matter how uncomfortable it may be for the both of you.

Though, to quote the person above me, her saying that you should just break up and leave each other is very immature on her part. She made the mistake and she's treating you like you're the issue. Don't take things like that. Confront her on the issue at hand and try to make things work. You aren't the one who's hurting the relationship. She needs to be comforting you, not handing out bullshit like that.

 

[Imp Poster]

I believe you have forgiven her. You are still with with her and trust her still, right? Yeah, the hard part is to forget what happened. It creeps into your mind and takes control to the point your feelings of hurt, maybe, even anger comes back. But at this point(assuming she has felt bad and apologized for it), what do you want her to do? She can't take it back obviously so in caring about your well being, maybe it is best that you do leave her. If you choose to stay, you are going do have to deal with this. It is yours to bear at this point(assuming she has done everything to make amends and you did forgive her). Does it make you feel insecure? That she may do it again if things go bad again? What is it that you fear? Want her to test for STDs? If you love her then continue to love her. If issues of trust and insecurity is the problem, you can talk about those issues, but not what happened again and again.

You are opening a wound for the both of you. How is it going to heal if you keep bringing it up? If these thoughts come up to haunt you, accept that, that is all it is. It is hurt that maybe in your mind, if you hadn't have broken up with her, she wouldn't have done that. Take what's yours(good and bad) and own it. If you can't handle it, then don't be with her and let it torment the both of you.

Sorry, if I sound mad and/or mean. It is not my intent. I feel like I should be more sympathetic, but I put down exactly what I wanted to say. I always worry about my delivery though. I had a girl cheat on me. I ended that relationship after that. It has been 7 years ago and sometimes, that thought and hurt comes back to haunt me even if I am not consciously thinking about it still.

 

[Nickolai77]

My friends gf slept with someone else soon after they had initially first broke up. I'm starting to suspect that sleeping with someone after a girl is dumped is one of those funny things women do. Did you dump her OP?

My friend however is not bothered by the fact that his girlfriend slept with someone after he had dumped her. After all, she had done nothing wrong. One's private sexual activity is not the business of an ex. If my friend can get over his girlfriend sleeping with someone whilst they were split up, i don't see why you carn't. As far as i know, your situation and his isn't that different.

Her ultimatum suggests that she is pretty tired of you fretting about this, and i personally don't feel you have sufficient reason to worry about her sleeping with someone when she was not your girlfriend. Just stop worrying about and rationalise that she hasn't done anything wrong. My impression is that you worrying about it is caused by subjective irrational emotions. It's perfectly normal to be upset or angry if your girlfriend slept with someone whilst you were still going out, but it is not rational to be upset about it if she was not your girlfriend at the time.

 

[lemiel14n3]

Wow, that sucks, you love her and she cheated on you. But you know what sucks more, this will never go away. Nothing you say or do will ever make this not have happened. (A friend of mine went through a similar situation with a girl he ended up marrying [and they were the embodiment of love/hate]

The best thing you can do here is move on, let the past be the past. And eventually this will do one of two things, destroy you and her, or it will become an old story that neither of you really bring up.

But you have do things that make this better, she loves you and she wasn't in her right mind when it happened.

 

[Stasisesque]

Are there other things wrong with your relationship? Is this the only thing that is bothering you? If so, to be blunt, you need to get over it. You weren't together when she slept with another man, she was perfectly entitled to do so. Unprotected sex with a stranger is never a good idea, but I assume she is STD free and was lucky to not get pregnant - so really, it is in the past, it doesn't even concern you.

Sorry to be so blunt, but you clearly state you and she had broken up at the time. If you had been in her shoes, would you expect her to forgive you and forget about it? I would say yes. To me, this sounds like a self esteem problem rather than a relationship problem, jealousy can be spawned by low self esteem and if you don't learn to control it it will keep popping up. And jealousy can, will and does destroy relationships.

You have two fantastic reasons to work through this, you love her and you're making a big step in moving to Australia together. It would be remiss to make that move if you are already having relationship problems due to this, I'm sure you already know that.

Sit down, alone, and work out why this is bothering you so much. She didn't cheat on you, casual sex outside of a relationship doesn't mean she doesn't love you, and as far as I can see you have no reason to suspect her of cheating or straying at any point you've been together. Once you have your reasons pinpointed, talk to her. Don't argue with her and don't blame her - I can't state this enough: she did nothing wrong.

Oh and if you haven't already - both get checked for STDs.