I wrote a poem!

[ultimateshadowx]

Going through a bit of a heartbreak right now...and I randomly wrote a poem about it. It's my first one I've ever wanted to write. I also don't think it's very good. However, just wanted to see what my friends at The Escapist thought. So...here it is. And be honest! Just cause I'm sad doesn't mean I can't take the truth!

Feelings (Bottled)

My feelings for you were once bottled
Stored safely inside me, not to be released
Their location was not to be known, and more importantly their existence
Alone, and neglected, the feelings grew, multiplied
And then, the unexpected happened and you found the bottle
You saw the cork on tight and in one, quick movement, pulled it out
The feelings flew out, happy and free
Never before had the feelings seen the light of day
They began to consume me, and I felt happy
But, just as soon as the feelings were revealed to you
You said it was not the time and didn?t want the feelings anymore
And so I began to collect them and put them in a bottle
But the feelings didn?t want to be constrained again
They had freedom and the feelings wanted to stay
Still I tried, for you, to contain the feelings
To hold them in when you were around
The feelings didn?t like this, and they punished me
Again and again, I hold the feelings in and they punish me
Restless nights, endless tears, a feeling of dread
But, they don?t damage my hope, because they like it too
Hope that one day you will come back and ask for the feelings
And the feelings would be ready for you
Ready to show them selves again to the beauty that is you
But, the feelings were able to slip through my fingers
Show them selves at the wrong moments, make you uncomfortable
I quickly grab them back, try to resist
The feelings punish me again, but I take it
I take it for you and the way you make me feel
For the way you give my life purpose
For the way you make everything beautiful
And so I live for that chance to show you the feelings again
They live for it too, but don?t want to wait
And so I suffer?suffer?suffer?

 

[ssgt splatter]

Good for you.

Nice job though.

 

[Aptspire]

Well, it's well done, and I noticed that it is also free verse, but I wonder if you could, you know, equalize the number of feet on each line (I've had a course on poetry this semester, that's why I'm touchy about the subject)

 

[megapenguinx]

Good poem, so shall we turn this into the poetry thread?
A bit of mine:

Portions
Pieces of me
remaining behind
Hostility grows tall and old
like oak.
Let them be.
Smoking gun in the
child's craddle.
Thin white hairs
memory returns.
Mixed with life.
Realism.
Burned out hollow
consumes to feel full.
Not out of hunger
but only to feel complete.

 

[PasDeChat]

I wish more people read Marcus Aurelius

 

[Aptspire]

Well, I shall enjoin a piece of mine, that I'm sure gamers will appreciate

Ode to Silent Hill

I.
Coming to this old town once more--
The one which is hell in the mist--
I recall those who came before
And fell prey to a fated twist.
?Cause whatever form may appear,
Will always be your greatest fear.

II.
The first came to seek his daughter
But found delusions in the fog.
Hearing the lost people?s prayer
Which were caused by an ancient drug.
Facing alone a great demon,
Thus was to foil Armageddon.

III.
The second had got a letter
Sent by his dead wife called Mary.
Found Maria, may seem better
Given the choice to be happy.
Yet, thrice delusion?s twin was felled
By the great Punisher of Hell.

IV.
The third was daughter of the first.
Vengeance for his death was her drive.
She then would quench the town?s blood thirst,
Yet the Devil?s spawn could not thrive.
Wouldn?t lead fools to Paradise:
Aborted the fiend she despised.

 

[roboosh]

Fair enough, fair enough.

 

[ultimateshadowx]

Well, it's well done, and I noticed that it is also free verse, but I wonder if you could, you know, equalize the number of feet on each line (I've had a course on poetry this semester, that's why I'm touchy about the subject)

I was thinking about doing this later. When I wrote it, it just kinda wrote itself.

 

[Aptspire]

Well, it's well done, and I noticed that it is also free verse, but I wonder if you could, you know, equalize the number of feet on each line (I've had a course on poetry this semester, that's why I'm touchy about the subject)

I was thinking about doing this later. When I wrote it, it just kinda wrote itself.

Well, that depends on which type of poem you prefer. I'm a big fan of the older style with modern subjects (The Shakespearian sonnet and the classic ode), but the modern poetry of the latter part of the 20th century works well too.

 

[forever saturday]

Thats actually pretty good. I also write poetry sometimes but it usually takes some sort of inspiration, I.E. I can't just say "Im gonna sit down and write a poem". And when I do have inspiration I usually am at school or something and by the time I get home I forget all about it. So good for you. Anyway, like yours, my poetry has absolutely no structure. Like this post, it can also be rambling and pointless, but its still pretty good, or at least thats what people always tell me.

 

[ghettomedic]

Actually, ultimateshadowx, if you rearrange some of the words and set a rhyming scheme of A A B A A B, you might be able to modify this poem into iambic tetrameter... A good example of that meter is The Raven. But, it is a nice bit of prose, I want you to know =)

 

[Splyth]

it wasn't a bad poem. The way you gave the feelings a sort of personality. Very clever. I think some trimming could be done. Make no word in your poem wasted. A teacher of mine said "that you want your readers to feel the poem like a punch in the gut." I think that and a few more really good powerful words and you have yourself a decent poem.

 

[TenthRegeneration]

Not bad. I havn't seen a decent poem in free form like yours in awhile.


If we are turnign this into a poetry thread, does it have to be our own work? If not, I'll post one of my favorites:

Sonnet 130
My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask'd, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

^_^ I do love the work of William Shakespeare.

 

[scotth266]

it wasn't a bad poem. The way you gave the feelings a sort of personality. Very clever. I think some trimming could be done. Make no word in your poem wasted. A teacher of mine said "that you want your readers to feel the poem like a punch in the gut." I think that and a few more really good powerful words and you have yourself a decent poem.

Your teacher used a appropriate metaphor. All writing, especially poetry, should feel like this. That's why when writing reviews and such I go over my stuff over and over, reading it as it comes to try and get a sense of what the reader would feel.

I'll post some stuff here later, maybe in a hour or so. Busy right now.

 

[Deef]

I see your poem and raise you a rap.

I like your shirt, it's pretty cool
You must be popular at your school,
I see its cotton and coloured purple,
I wish I had a- crap, nothing rhymes with purple.

 

[megatron2.0]

i like pie
pie is good
i like pie

i like cake
cake is tasty
i like cake

dohnuts are tasty
i like dohnuts
dohnuts are tasty


I OWN at writing poems with my amazing artist talent

 

[mrpenguinismyhomeboy]

How convenient that this poetry thread by made today. Today was my school's poetry slam contest.

Small World.

 

[TenthRegeneration]

I see your poem and raise you a rap.

I like your shirt, it's pretty cool
You must be popular at your school,
I see its cotton and coloured purple,
I wish I had a- crap, nothing rhymes with purple.

Not to disapprove of a rap, however:

Hirple is a British word, which means "to walk lamely or hobble".
Curple is a word out of Scotland, which refers to the hindquarters of a horse. The current Shorter OED lists 'curple' dating from 1591.

 

[scotth266]

Hmmm. I said I would post some poems, alas, what I have on me are not really poems, but rather comments on our world. Regardless:

Seeking not, wanting not, living not.
These things people claim to fix:
With pills, with speech, with habit;
But to have any one of these afflictions is the same as death.
So to they who claim to fix these things, listen not:
For you are not dead, and will not die, unless you lose all hope.

Life is a constant struggle:
Sometimes it is joyous, sometimes it is madness.
But at all times it is important.
To lose sight of this is to lose sight of our humanity,
So listen well, and never forget, lest ye be judged and found lacking.

In motion unceasing, in manner indifferent, in action timeless:
It stretches out its hands to catch us, but lets us stumble to learn our greatest lessons.
It appears loving yet cruel to us, but we are the ones who give it moods:
For it is always fair and just, a mere balancer of the scales.

Chaos is the engine of life. We MUST live on, if only to resist death.


Life is weighted against the living, death is not. Therefore all living things die.

 

[ultimateshadowx]

Ah, poems are fun! One of my favorite poems is In Memoriam A.H.H. by Alfred Lord Tennyson. Very very long, but incredibly good (for those of you who don't know, that's were we get the line "Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all").