If I ever...

[OmniscientOstrich]

If I ever XYZ, someone please shoot me.

The name of the game is to list a particular attitude, activity, philosophy, piece of media etc. which you hold in contempt and would rather be caught dead than saying/doing it. I'll start us off (obviously):

If I ever un-ironically start a sentence with 'kids these days' someone please shoot me.

 

[PsychicTaco115]

If I ever complain about my living situation, slap me with a giant swordfish stuffed with anti-stupid pills

 

[Aerosteam]

If I ever want to be shot, someone please shoot me.

 

[PsychicTaco115]

If I ever want to be pushed down a well, push me off a bridge

 

[PsychicTaco115]

If I ever hit my dog, hit me in the junk with a bowling ball